Hobgoblins (1988)

1988

Directed by Rick Sloane
Starring Tom Bartlett, Paige Sullivan, Steven Boggs, Kelley Palmer, Billy Frank and Daran Norris

Here's a movie that has a reputation as one of the worst ever featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000...and, surprise surprise, I don't think it's that bad.  Now, don't get me wrong, Hobgoblins isn't a GOOD movie by any traditional definition.  But watching it for the first time without Mike and the 'Bots actually made me realize how damn delightful this thing is.  That has to be the first time I've ever said the word "delightful" in a review, so it's probably a good thing that the blog is closing up shop at the end of June.  Devastating news, I'm sure, for my legion of (three) fans.

Released in 1988, this flick was directed, produced, written, shot and edited by Rick Sloane.  That kind of workload really does qualify this dude as a modern-day Ed Wood.  The budget is absolutely minuscule even by horror movie standards at $15,000.  Folks, there's people like myself who have a bunch of screenplays sitting around and will never do anything with them because we think it's just "too hard" to get it moving.  Using this movie as an example, I could make one TODAY.  At the time it came out, it was universally panned as being the lowest of the low rent version of all the "little monster" movies of the '80s, especially Gremlins.  It's also really trashy.  But I assure you, it's trashy in the fun, zany way, with a group of characters and actors that are so bad they're strangely interesting.  This flick really is a kind of beautiful disaster.

It takes little time for the movie to become a laugh riot, as we're introduced to Mr. McCreedy (Jeffrey Culver), old geezer security guard for a run-down movie lot.  His partner is Dennis, wannabe rocker with a face that only a movie could love.  Within minutes, he wanders into the one vault on the entire lot that McCreedy has IMPLORED him not to enter, promptly envisioned himself as an '80s cock rocker and then killed by a few unseen creatures before McCreedy shuts the vault.  Shits and giggles all around.

Meet the new partner for McCreedy - Kevin (Tom Bartlett), manly man who efficiently whines out most of his lines.  Kevin is a funny character in and of himself, but he's nothing compared to the cast of zanies that make up his friends.  For starters, his shrill girlfriend Amy (Paige Sullivan).  She's frigid, she's unsupportive, and she's all kinds of repressed.  There's also Daphne (Kelley Palmer), the requisite slut of the group who gets countless hilarious jokes directed at her promiscuity by the other characters.  There's Kyle (Steven Boggs), dorky guy who wears the same red shirts throughout the film's running time.  This group of jokers is then rounded out by by Nick (Billy Frank), Daphne's lunkhead army boyfriend who soon engages with Kevin in an impromptu match of garden-tool battle to the death before banging Daphne in a nearby van.  Did I mention this movie is a blast?

The horrific plot of the movie gets unleashed one night after Kevin manages to stop a burglar on the lot.  The search for the thief leads him to the vault where he accidentally releases the Hobgoblins on the world.  Hobgoblins, you say?  Yup.  Hogoblins.  Furry, somewhat cute puppets/aliens with the psychic power to manipulate their victims into thinking their greatest fantasy is coming true, which they use to trick the person into making themselves vulnerable enough to kill.  It actually sounds kinda scary, but the execution?  Yeah, not so much.  They really were going more for laughs than anything with this film, and we get all the evidence we need of this as they make their way immediately to Kevin's friends.  For an indication of what we're dealing with, the monsters trick pervy Kyle into thinking that the sex-line vixen he talks to every night is right outside the door waiting for him, with the end game being said vixen pushing his car over a cliff.  Amazingly, that's just one of the many delights we have in store from this point out.

The final third of the movie takes place at a dive called Club Scum, where we get yet another classic character in the form of the fey Club MC played by Daran Norris.  I like this Daran Norris; he's an accomplished voice actor who has played everything from Cosmo on The Fairly OddParents to VoodooRic on The PowerPuff Girls.  But enough about that.  Turns out that Amy has been manipulated into being the star attraction at the place ahead of the amazing band that performs their classic song "Kiss Kicker" (or possibly "Pig Sticker").  Long story short, we get lots of hilariously bad stuff at this place including Nick leading a commando raid (and holy Christ is that an amazing sequence) followed by, predictably, Kevin proving that he's a real man by leading the Hobgoblins back to the lot to get blowed up real good.  Oh yeah, spoiler alert.  And Kyle still can't get laid.

By pretty much every conventional definition, this movie isn't good.  Acting, script, cinematography, all leave more than a little something to be desired on the Martin Scorsese officially-credited scale of film-making.  Believe me, this wasn't lost on Rick Sloane either, because he PERSONALLY submitted his own flick to Best Brains Inc. to be considered for the MST3K treatment.  It was later said that he regretted the decision after the closing bit in the theater where the characters did a mock interview of Mr. Sloane that bordered on cruel.  Man, you have to put yourselves in the shoes of the people behind that show for a second.  They probably had to watch this movie multiple times in preparation for riffing it.

Nevertheless, I can report that if you don't have to concentrate your viewings of this movie, it's actually fun.  Look...all of the characters are memorable.  They might not be memorable for reasons that a screenwriter WANTS them to be, but walk away from this movie and tell me that you don't remember sex-crazed Daphne and her trademark "I'm about to do it" dance, or Nick and his serial camo wife-beater wearing.  Or the Club Scum MC and his introduction of the Kiss Kicker band.  Or Mr. McCreedy and his Eddie Munster Widows' Peak during the flashback origin sequences.  Or...hell, pretty much everything.  If you can turn your brain off, you'll have a fun time watching this movie.

Thus, I give Hobgoblins ** out of ****.  And with that, we're done with our March celebration of the movies of MST3K, and we're on to finishing off (finally) a series of movies that I've talked about a bunch of times on this here blog before...the marionettes are about to be unleashed...

Track of the Moon Beast (1976)

1976

Directed by Richard Ashe
Starring Chase Cordell, Leigh Drake and Gregorio Sala

Ok, kids, I'm giddy about this one.  In the annals of bad movies, there are few of them that manage to achieve the true levels of badness that Track of the Moon Beast manages to achieve.  Bad plot, bad dialogue, bad acting, this one pretty much has it all.  It's also got one of the downright funniest characters you'll ever see in any horror movie for reasons that we'll be getting to in due time.  In short, a damn fun time all around.  It's also easily in my top five MST3K episodes, so if you've got the time...trust me, YouTube this episode.  It's #1007, for reference.

This is all surprising, because there is actually a pair of talented people associated with the making of the movie.  First is screenwriter Bill Finger.  Yes, THE Bill Finger, the one who pretty much created the Goddamn Batman.  Granted, his other screenwriting credits included The Green Slime and Death to Planet Aytin, so maybe his otherworldly creative powers were restricted strictly to creating superheroes on an illustrated page.  It also has Rick Baker doing the makeup effects, and while the budget was definitely low enough that the future big-time makeup FX wizard didn't have much to work with, he does a decent enough job considering the constraints.  No, sirs, what made this film suck was a pace that felt so slow that it doesn't even qualify as a slow burn and one of the most out-there premises you'll ever see.  Let's jump right in to the world of giant meteorite-powered lizard men, shall we?

Meet Paul Carlson, recently-graduated mineralogist out in the nondescript deserts of New Mexico attempting to find stuff in the dirt.  Which is weird, because that sounds like what archaeologists do.  At any rate, he is interrupted from his dig by one of the most confusing pranks you'll ever see committed to film before meeting up with his old buddy, Professor Johnny Longbow (Gregorio Sala), and meeting his future love interest, big city reporter Kathy Nolan (Leigh Drake).  Amid some stilted dialogue while finding out about a coming meteor shower, the bond grows quickly between Paul and Kathy and they head out from a legendary stew supper prepared by Johnny to a nearby mountain where Paul is struck in the head by one of the meteorites.  Cue sad, somber transformations.

Before we get into the rest of the film's plot, I just have to take a pause here to discuss the character of Johnny Longbow.  There have been a lot of amazing side characters in the films featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000, but in my humble estimation NONE are better than this guy.  It's hard to explain just what makes him so priceless, but here goes - he's just one of the most pompous guys you'll ever meet without being over the top, constantly ready with some out-there story or legend to explain everything at a moment's notice.  My favorite bits are when he states that Paul still has a "lot to learn," prompting Kathy to ask him what and for his response to be one thing.  There's a good half-dozen moments in the movie involving Longbow trapping some poor sap with his amazing wisdom.  I know it's hard to convey, but take my word for it, you'll be laughing at this guy every time he's onscreen by the end of this movie.

So the plot goes like this.  The meteorite affects Paul's brain chemistry, and he begins turning into a giant lizard every time the sun goes down.  A few locals get offed, and Longbow and the surly local sheriff have no clue who could be doing the killing.  This is interspersed with the heartwarming romance between Paul and Kathy, featuring lines like "Paul, why did this have to happen to YOU??!".  Eventually, the bodies begin piling up as the characters notice that Paul's sudden day sickness episodes are increasing.  MORE eventually, they are able to conduct an experiment (that involves locking him up overnight in a hospital as he transforms) proving him to be the killer.  A killer with scales, fangs, and really, really big claws.

The script also throws the interesting emotional wrinkle that the meteorite will eventually kill Paul.  As a result, the finale takes place as a kind of chase, with Paul breaking out of the hospital and heading for the hills, presumably to kill himself.  Since Kathy has known him for a grand total of 72 hours, she knows exactly where he is heading - the same mountain where he was struck by the meteorite in the first place.  This gives us one of the most baffling finishes in movie history, with a bunch of hapless cops after Paul at the same time that Johnny Longbow fashions the mightiest weapon in his arsenal to take SuperPaul down.  Did I mention that Longbow is also a master archer?  Man, he is a LEGEND.

OK.  I know that I've complained about this movie for a good solid six paragraphs already, so let's get to things that I liked about it.  For starters, man, Leigh Drake (the chick that played Kathy) really had some great legs.  The director realized this early on and exploited it for all it's worth.  If the skeevy paragraph were still a thing, believe me, it would get a workout here.  Amazingly, I also find myself strangely caring about this story, no matter how bad it was.  You actually do buy Paul and Johnny as longtime buds, with the romance angle giving the finale some tragic level of emotion.  But this movie was featured on MST3K, wasn't it?

Oh yes, it was, and for good reason.  Remember how hot I just said Leigh Drake was?  Her hotness quotient carried some sort of directly inverse relationship where it concerns her acting ability.  Whenever she looks into the camera, I swear it feels like she's about to suck your soul out through the television.  Chase Cordell wasn't much better.  And Gregorio Sala...well, he's Johnny Longbow, so I can't complain too much about him.  The rest is just as horrific, from that godawful synthy score to the victim characters that pop up in one scene only to never be mentioned again.  For an indication of what we're dealing with here, Lizard Paul's first murder is of his neighbor who gets in an argument with his wife after coming home drunk one too many times.  Both of them are dead a minute later and nothing of value was lost.  There's also a tent filled with a bunch of old guys playing cards, and one of them gets their arm ripped off live and in color.  It's even funnier when you see it.  You get scenes like this, and Johnny Longbow.  In short, it's one of the greatest Satellite of Love experiences for a reason.

Rating time.  Track of the Moon Beast gets a * out of ****.  It's bad in just about every way that a movie can be, but fuck me if it isn't entertaining anyway.  Check this out on all 50-movie public domain movie packs available to you!

The Creeping Terror (1964)

1964

Directed by Vic Savage
Starring Vic Savage, Shannon O'Neil, William Thourlby and John Caresio

Now it's time for MST3K March to really kick into high gear.  In the mammoth 11-year history of the show, there might have been no stronger season than season six.  From the Colton Francis trilogy of doom (Google it) to Zombie Nightmare (which was also reviewed on the blog here at some point), the first full year with Mike Nelson as the host was definitely one for the ages.  And The Creeping Terror was another one of the big highlights.  As we're about to see, it definitely provides plenty of fodder for riffing, in addition to being pretty much universally recognized as one of the worst horror movies of all time.

There are stories abound on the interwebz about the making of this movie.  It really is quite the fascinating little story.  The brainchild of Vic Savage (who also starred in the film, if you want to put it that way), they had pretty much every production problem possible.  For starters, the film's original soundtrack was lost before release, meaning that they had to do either overdubbing of all the dialogue or just have voice-over describing everything going on, including conversations.  And there are some really interesting ones, believe me.  But more importantly, the movie's main monster itself was stolen by a vindictive special effects guy shortly before filming, meaning that they had to rebuild one - and fast.  The result is a creature that looks like an overgrown carpet.  Add in some bad actors, bad music and amazingly unscary scare scenes and you've in for a really good time.  Get ready.

Meet Sheriff's Deputy Martin Gordon, the movie's star character.  He's played by Vic Savage, and we're introduced to him as some fascinatingly bland narration gives us his epic story as he drives along a lonely highway with his new wife (Shanon O'Neil).  Nearby, an alien craft has just crashed and Gordon is very inquisitive about the matter.  Not quite enough to put his own life on the line when the gigantic creature that calls the craft home slides out the side of it, however.

Without a doubt, the most hilarious part of the film is the creature itself.  Actually, there is TWO of them.  I can't quite report what the things originally looked like before the effects guy got pissed off at the production and vanished with the original monster, but what we get is essentially a giant two-sided seat with a mouth.  It also moves around like a huge worm.  To their credit, being eaten by a gargantuan alien worm probably ranks pretty highly on the list of worst ways to die in the world, and the movie exploits this fact for all its worse.  Almost immediately, the town Sheriff and a park ranger are eaten by one of the aliens, which works out pretty good for Gordon since he is now the new head lawman in charge.  HLIC for short.

A lot of what happens in this movie can be summed up with the following: (1) Attack scene featuring the monster, (2) A LONG sequence of narration that sets up a new victim character, often accompanied by some inane music and dubbed-in dialogue, and (3) Another attack scene.  This is interspersed with occasional bits of Gordon and his men doing their best to track the creatures down.  It's all just as fascinating as it sounds.  Make no mistake, though, all of the best bits in this movie involve the monster.  There is an extended sequence involving a mother attending to her sick baby (with a rectal thermometer, no less - don't ask) that ends in tragedy.  But the peak of hilarity is reached when the requisite horror movie hot girl in a swimsuit is eaten.  And when you read "eaten," you should read "flailing her legs loudly while trying to make it seem like she is not crawling inside the fake monster's mouth."  Don't say that this movie isn't memorable.

After the movie's requisite body count has been reached, we arrive at a dance party populated by a bunch of early '60s cool hepcats.  Said scene is also accompanied by one of the most soul-destroyingly repetitive dance tracks in the history of film, and if you ever watch the MST3K episode where Mike listens to it for what seems like 17 hours you will NEVER get this tune burned out of your memory.  Where do we go from here?  The monsters attack the dance party, Sheriff Gordon shows up, explosions and fire, and a credits sequence that releases us from the mind-numbing mix of tedium and violence that preceded us.  Best of all, it was only 74 minutes long.

I'm not the only one who feels that this was one of the strongest episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  It was even chosen to be in the very first DVD box set that was released back in the early 2000s.  Oh man, that box set...I remember back when it came out and my plan was to buy every one that came out and eventually have the entire series.  What made this insane?  That first set cost $65, meaning that owning every episode would have cost me something like a solid gold island.  But if you look at the many, many fan sites and message board dedicated to this legendary show, you'll always find a lot of love for this film and the episode that lampooned it.

Why is that?  Well, it's a fun movie to laugh at.  It really did exemplify everything that was bad about the micro-budgeted horror movies of the '50s and '60s.  A horrible-looking monster, a terrible plot, wooden characters, laughable lines...you name it, it's all in here.  Throw in that ever-present narration and stuff like a gigantic alien worm creature looking for all intents and purposes like it's humping a car and you've got the makings of comedic gold.  Yeah, guys, this is a fun movie to watch and laugh at with your friends.  I can't say that I own a copy of this one in its original, un-MSTed form and I'm not even sure it exists.  That poster up above isn't even an official one because it doesn't exist, but man...a movie as trashy as this one DEFINITELY would have a poster like that, wouldn't it?

The rating: 1/2 * out of ****.  If you're even mildly curious about bad old horror movies or interested in watching some MST3K, this is definitely a good movie to start with because it's TERRIBLE.

The Giant Gila Monster (1959)

1959

Directed by Ray Kellogg
Starring Don Sullivan, Fred Graham, Lisa Simone, Shug Fisher and Bob Thompson

February has officially crossed over into March, which means that we're no longer looking at horror movies that make you feel all tender and tinkly with love.  Thank God.  No sir, now we're looking at films that occupy a very special place in my heart.  Schlocky horror movies with (mostly) micro budgets, easily mockable tropes, and lines of dialogue that make you say "WTF" out loud.  If you're into internet acronyms, anyway.  Folks, it's MST3K March, and for the next four weeks get ready to read about some movies that have been featured on the legendary bad movie TV show Mystery Science Theater 3000.

I've proclaimed my love for this show many times on this here blog over the years.  But for those of you who don't know what the hell I'm talking about, allow me to introduce you to the world of cheesy movies, robots and riffing.  Originally airing on local Minneapolis TV in 1988, the show premiered on Comedy Central in 1989 and became that network's signature series for many seasons before eventually finishing up its original run on the Sci-Fi Channel.  Always filmed locally in my home state of Minnesota, the premise was pure genius - mad scientists have trapped a regular joe in space and are conducting an experiment to see if they can drive him crazy by showing him terrible movies.  Only he has a secret weapon: humor.  Along with two robot friends, said regular joe viciously rips on every movie that he sees and thus is able to survive, and we the audience get to witness the entire film along with them.  So not only is the show hilarious, it's also a really cool metaphor for not just casually accepting all the crap that passes as entertainment.  Remember, kids, just because it's there doesn't mean you have to watch it!  And the movie that I'm reviewing today is one that I consider to be one of the most fun...

There was a whole heap of "giant monster" movies in the 1950s, but The Giant Gila Monster...man, it's something else.  It had a budget of $138,000, which was a then-modest amount for a major motion picture but from what I understand was HUGE in comparison to most of the movies featured on MST3K.  It also wastes precious little time cluing us in as to why it's titled they way it is, since within the first 30 seconds of the movie we see a teenage couple making out on lovers' lane and promptly getting their car dumped down the side of a mountain by the giant lizard (actually NOT a gila monster but a bearded dragon filmed on small sets - clever use of forced perspective, admittedly).  Unfortunately, this also means that we're subjected to something like 65 minutes of terminal boredom peppered in between small bits the monster attacking things.  There's your plot, kids, goodnight.

Well, that's not all there is.  Your star character is Chase Winstead, chunk-headed 1959 cool dude who works as a mechanic by day and drives his cool hot rod by night.  He's played by Don Sullivan, and the script also takes advantage of his singing ability by including a couple of his original songs in the movie.  Chase has a girlfriend/wife (seriously, I can't remember which) played by the thickly-accented Lisa Simone, who amazingly enough was France's Miss Universe representative in 1957.  Given that fact, I'm surprised that this film didn't just embrace the trash factor by including a few scenes of her in a swimsuit, but I digress.  There's also a Sheriff played by Fred Graham (who humorously seems to view car skidmarks as his chief method of crime scene investigation) and a lovable town drunk who isn't exactly Otis from Mayberry.  Amazingly, this whole town seems to revolve around the mechanic shop/towing business.

One thing that sticks out about this movie is that it never really gets around to explaining just WHY there is a freakin' Giant Gila Monster running around, but yet there it is.  As far as set pieces go, director Ray Kellogg actually takes on some pretty ambitious stuff.  There's this one bit where the gila monster takes out the supports from an overhead railway bridge, causing a passing train to collapse into a dried-up river bed.  Throw on some overdubbed screaming sound effects from the supposed passengers and you've got some amazing stuff.  Throw in the MST3K jokes about the oncoming "dining car" and you've got some comedic gold.

The finale?  Well, Chase gets the opportunity to show off his singing prowess at a local sock hop, only for the gila monster to crash the teenage funfest.  The hapless Sheriff mutters something about how "we can't stop it," but Chase knows that it can be done, rigging his hot rod with nitro and piloting it into the thing.  Don't worry, he bailed first.  Lots of fire and happy music, the end.  And you just know that more skidmarks were created in that scene.  Yeah, it's not as funny when I make the joke.  Oh, and I just realized that there is this woefully out-of-place subplot involving Simone's daughter (?) and the new braces that she gets for her legs.  Yup, this story is in the movie, complete with a heart-wrenching song of celebration from Chase.

Surprise, surprise, there are actually some things in this movie that I like.  For starters, Fred Graham as the continually uninterested Sheriff who utters lines like "well, that's officially not my problem" over and over again when he's not talking about his precious skidmarks.  The guy just puts off such a vibe of "don't give no fucks" that it's kind of hard not to like him, or at least get plenty of mileage out of mocking him.  I know that Joel and the 'Bots did.  You've also got to give it up to the film-makers on this one for getting the most they could have out of a tiny bearded dragon and some miniatures.  There really isn't one LOL special effect moment in this movie - all of the funny stuff comes from character moments and Chase's unreal songs.

This movie was on MST3K for a reason.  Story wise, there's pretty much nothing.  It gives you the absolute bare bones of a narrative, a few monster scenes, and some good exploitation elements (in this movie, the hot rods and the songs).  It's hard to give a shit about any of that stuff.  It is, however, easy to get into if you're in that mood to have fun with it.  Any film with an impromptu "fixing a car" a capella song sequence is worth seeing at least once in your life, believe me.

Alright, now time to grade this movie on a quality scale.  In that regard, it gets a * 1/2 out of ****.  But since this movie comes in pretty much every public domain "50 horror movie pack" collections, odds are you'll have it in your possession at some point...so give it a watch.

Warm Bodies (2013)

2013

Directed by Jonathan Levine
Starring Nicholas Hoult, Teresa Palmer, Rob Corddry, Dave Franco, Analeigh Tipton, Cory Hardrict and John Malkovich

Oh boy, a zombie movie.  I have the vaguest of memories of this film when it came out (like it came out ten thousand years ago or something).  I think I saw one ad, one poster and said "well, folks, another zombie movie" and never gave it a second thought.  However, looking for horror movies that fit the whole "Love and Red Stuff" motif was running a little dry on the ol' search for recent movies, so...here goes.  After dismissing this as just another run of the mill movie with brain-eating, communicate-by-grunt monsters, imagine my surprise when I find out that the movie is actually good.  Not GREAT, but good, and definitely worthy of the five bucks I spent for that rental on Amazon Video (/free plug for Jeff Bezos that I am in no way getting paid for).

Why is this exactly?  Well, for starters, it's pretty unique.  At least as unique as a movie with all the trappings of the usual zombie movie can allow.  It's actually told from the perspective of the freakin' main zombie.  Folks, this is a development that I thought would pretty much make the movie unwatchable, but lo and behold Nicholas Hoult managed to pull off a minor miracle with his performance as this guy.  More on him in a bit.  It also had a bigger budget than I anticipated ($35 million) and the always cute Teresa Palmer playing the hero's love interest, as well as John "The Man" Malkovich in a supporting role.  In short, they had a lot of help on this one.  It's a good thing, too, because the plot goes into all-too-familiar territory on a pretty frequent basis.

Meet "R," your typical American zombie movie zombie played by the aforementioned Hoult.  Along with his partner-in-crime "M" (Rob Corddry), R is currently milling around in an airport looking for new potential human victims.  Yes, folks, this is what he's doing.  Every movie in this subgenre has its own lore and science associated with the "how" of being a member of the undead, and we learn pretty quickly here that R has no heartbeat and that the reason that he craves human brains is because it makes him feel "alive" by absorbing the memories of that person.  I've got to say, from a writing standpoint, that's not the worst contrivance the guy who wrote the novel that this film is based on could have come up with.  Unfortunately, we also get a fascinating conversation between R and M consisting entirely of grunts and occasional near-words.  It's just as enthralling as it sounds.

The plot kicks into motion with the arrival of Julie Grigio (Palmer) and a group of human survivors.  I've been a big fan of Palmer's dating back to her days as one of the bitchy friends of Arielle Kebbel in The Grudge 2, and she's very likable and engaging here as a no-nonsense girl who has no problem putting herself in danger.  Of course, R is immediately smitten with her, and it's not hard to imagine why.  What is hard to imagine is what happens not too long after this initial meeting, as R attacks and eats the brain of Julie's boyfriend, thus causing his attraction to her to grow even more.  And cause his heart to start beating again.

In a lot of ways, this really is a romantic movie.  R saves Julie from a few attacks by his fellow zombies and hides her in the airplane that he calls home.  A lot of the middle section of this flick takes place in said airplane, as the story gives us admittedly a pretty nice long, slow burn with the relationship between these two.  They play a few games, listen to records, and even start to converse.  When I was doing my pre-viewing research, I thought I would absolutely HATE this part of the movie since modern-day screenwriters generally suck when it comes to crafting romances that I actually care about...but, amazingly, I did.  So +2 Fonzie cool points to the powers-that-be on that one.  Eventually, Julie gets restless and tries to escape, but the mindless hordes still attack her.  Derp.

The last half of the movie is a bit more action-oriented, as R resolves to take Julie back to the human encampment lorded over by Julie's father, Colonel Grigio (Malkovich, and he's awesome here as always).  Along the way, he reveals to Julie that he killed her boyfriend, prompting a mini-existential crisis that is probably much less fascinating than the flowery way that I just made it sound.  While all of this has been going on, all of R's friends have also begun to show signs of humanity - and this puts them on a collision course with the "Boneys," weird skeletal zombies who go after anything with a pulse.  All in all, decent storytelling that leads us to the big climax in a baseball stadium and a fight between R's band of good zombies and the Boneys.  And a surprisingly upbeat ending!  Wow!  Exclamation points because such a thing is fairly rare when it comes to movies featuring flesh-eating grunters.

Back in 2009 (and it makes me feel old that it was almost ten years ago), a little movie called Zombieland was released that I absolutely loved because it broke the mold for zombie movies by featuring actual likable characters.  It was the film's biggest strength by far, along with that amazing cameo by Bill Murray.  In a lot of ways, this movie is kind of similar.  It doesn't do what Zombieland did by going LONG stretches with no zombies onscreen, but that's kind of an impossibility with this setup.  But it does spend just as much time giving us some very human touches into its very inhuman story, and words cannot express how much that move was appreciated by this admittedly bad writer.

So what didn't I like about the movie?  Well, if it was any indication from the handy-dandy plot description, the first little bit of the movie is almost unwatchable.  Kind of like how I can't believe that they actually went ahead and decided to make an entire movie featuring nothing but the Minions (tell me, people, is the movie really nothing but those little fuckers talking gibberish?), the adventures of R and M and their deep friendship didn't exactly have me hyped up for the movie.  In truth, it was hard for me to get into the story of R because of this - at least until he starts talking.  But Hoult was so committed to this part that he actually managed to make it work.  Almost spiting itself, this is just one of those movies that works.

Rating time.  *** out of ****, and take that with the idea that I went into this one fully expecting to hate it.  Check it out.  And with that, we're done reviewing romantic horror movies.  Next month, we're taking a trip to the Not Too Distant Future...

Wolf (1994)

1994

Directed by Mike Nichols
Starring Jack Nicholson, Michelle Pfeiffer, James Spader, Kate Nelligan and Christopher Plummer

Looking back, the '90s weird a very strange time for horror movies.  The slasher boom of the '80s had gradually given way to the Nothing from The Never-Ending Story, meaning that we were in for a lot of flicks that essentially had no clue what they were trying to be.  Not on a macro scale, anyway.  Some of them were paying tribute to older stuff.  Some of them were still trying to milk the slasher craze.  And then there was the mini-trend of big budget, big deal, big cast movies that started with Bram Stoker's Dracula and continued well into the middle of the decade.  I don't know if they were all specifically trying to rip off the template from Stanley Kubrick, but none of them quite got there.  Not that they didn't try.

Which leads me to Wolf.  Released in 1994, this film was expected to be a big deal.  It had a MASSIVE budget of $70 million, which has to be some kind of record for the time period when it comes to horror movies.  It did modestly well in theaters, but it wasn't QUITE the mammoth hit that it was expected to be.  I didn't know any of that back then, because this movie was definitely a big deal with me.  Folks, Michelle Pfeiffer might have been my very first boner ever.  That alone on the ad was enough to sell 11-year-old me on the proposition, so when this baby hit HBO, I was there.  A horror movie with Catwoman, the Joker and that douchy guy from a bunch of '80s flicks?  Are you kidding me?  Loved me some Wolf back in the day!  So, does it hold up?  The answer is...kinda. 

I never thought of this back when I was an idiot kid watching this movie, but one thing that kind of amazes me now as a grumpy adult is how many movies and TV shows have main characters who are book editors.  Maybe it's a symptom of where a lot of these films are written, but still...book editors.  I couldn't even tell you what these guys DO, and I've watched something like 2,000 hours of entertainment footage depicting their lives!  Well, in this movie, we get Jack Nicholson.  Full-on 1994 Cool Guy Jack Nicholson, no less, and he's playing...Cool Guy Book Editor Will Randall.  Yup, he exists, but it's Nicholson, so you know it's good.  The character is actually pretty likable despite me not knowing what he does for eight hours a day, and in this movie, he's got a young mentor played by James Spader.  Only Spader isn't really a grateful mentor, as he plays dirty in the early goings of this movie to pass Will over for a promotion.  Derp.

The movie shows us a lot of the trials and tribulations of Mr. Randall in the early goings.  In addition to his tumultuous relationship with Spader (and I refuse to call him anything else), there's also a tumultuous relationship with his tumultuous wife Charlotte (Kate Nelligan).  Will secretly suspects that Spader is banging her, and eventually he is able to catch the two of them in the after-stages of fucking.  I know that sentence might not make much sense, but believe me, it's portrayed strongly.  Wait, isn't this supposed to be a wolf movie?  Oh yeah - Will was also bitten by a wolf while out on a drive at the beginning of the film, and after discovering Spader and his wife's secrets, he starts to grow the familiar gnarled fangs.  Yikes.

Wait, isn't Michelle Pfeiffer supposed to be in this movie?  Yes, and that's the next stop on the plot train.  With his life effectively in shambles, Will goes traipsing away to the countryside estate of Laura Alden (Pfeiffer), the daughter of his boss (played by the always awesome Christopher Plummer - this movie really did have some cast).  For what it's worth, the love story here is actually done pretty well.  When you've got performers as good as these two, you can pull off pretty much anything, but the material isn't too weak.  Laura is written as a sensitive, nurturing person, just the type of soul that Will is in need of. Looking like Michelle Pfeiffer doesn't hurt either.

The setting also gives us a nice backdrop for some wolf action, as Will kills wild animals and bites the fingers off would-be muggers while out and about in full canine mode.  I also need to mention that MOLA RAM HIMSELF makes a surprise appearance as a local mystic who gives Will an amulet meant to keep him from transforming.  Yeah.  Goddamn Mola Ram.  Can't say I saw that one coming.  But the movie's real meat takes place back in the big city as Will begins taking back his life from Spader.  By the end of the story, a few people are dead, several more people are bitten, and we've witnessed an office scene consisting of Jack Nicholson pissing on James Spader's shoes.  Yes, folks, this actually happens.  Everything eventually leads up to an ending that I've always found slightly confusing, but from what I've read it seems to be exclusively me who feels this way.  Probably just a case of my ever-present glandular condition.

Watching this movie again after all these years, the first thing that jumped out at me is that the tone of this film is just all over the place.  You can definitely tell that this script went through something like four bazillion rewrites as it made its way through the big-budget Hollywood system.  Sometimes, it's trying to be scary.  Sometimes, it's trying to be funny.  Sometimes, it's trying to be darkly satirical.  I get the feeling that the latter is the one that the original screenwriter was going for, and ironically, I think it's those bits that are the least interesting.  As such, it's really hard to sink your teeth into this story (horrible unintentional pun alert).

That's not to say that the movie is bad, though.  Acting wise, it should be pretty obvious that this film is top notch.  Nicholson, Pfeiffer and Spader were all at the top of their game, and the scenes between Nicholson and Pfeiffer definitely didn't disappoint.  I've always loved the "curse-and-redemption" storyline done in monster movies, and it's still pretty emotional here.  Those bits, though, are brief.  And one would think that a movie with as much money to spend as this one would have some pretty impressive wolf makeup, but whenever Nicholson has to get wolf-ized...LOL.  That's all I'll say about that one.

Time for a rating.  This one gets ** 1/2 out of ****.  It's still one of the sentimental favorites of my youth, but this flick is kind of a textbook example of a movie not knowing what it's going for.  Check it out for the performances, but as a scary movie, it's lacking.

The Fly (1986)

1986

Directed by David Cronenberg
Starring Jeff Goldblum, Geena Davis and John Getz

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Round II of Love and Red Stuff, where we explore the connection between love and...um, death, I suppose.  It's as good of a theme as any.  Also, by my calculation, this review will get posted the day before Valentine's Day, so enjoy your heart-shaped review of The Fly, the certifiably awesome 1986 film about love and death.  That's right.  This was planned, people.  I had no idea that this movie was so beloved when I first saw it, but it's easy to see why.  In fact, I have it comfortably slotted at #2 on the all-time remake barometer behind only John Carpenter's redux of The Thing.

I get comments every so often about how good my recall is.  It's just one of those things that I've always been a natural with, and it definitely helps for reviews like this, because I can still remember the DAY that I first saw The Fly.  It was at the end of a particularly trying day of middle school where I had three tests and a boatload of algebra homework to do, and nothing seemed like a better capper for said day than a horror movie about a dude transforming into a giant fly.  Little did I know that this film would connect with me so much as a geeky eighth grader.  This movie is scary, yeah, but it's a lot more than that.  It's about isolation, changing, and eventual death.  If there is a middle schooler alive who wouldn't relate to that...well, you must be the greatest human being alive.  Sorry, folks, couldn't think of a punchline there.  The film was also a mammoth hit when it came out in 1986, with director David Cronenberg (the master of weird - seriously, look up this guy's filmography) shocking, sicking and emotionally walloping audiences and critics alike.  Today, the movie is still quite popular and has a substantial cult following.  So what is this legendary little legend about?  Well, let's get to it.

Meet Jeff Goldblum.  Specifically, Jeff Goldblum in 1986, fresh off the success of The Big Chill and before he would launch himself into stardom as everyone's favorite all-purpose movie oddball with Jurassic Park.  In this movie, Goldblum plays Seth Brundle, brilliant scientist who owns a sweet warehouse/loft where he keeps his prized possession.  More on that later.  As the movie opens, he meets science journalist Veronica Quaife (Geena Davis) and the two of them immediately hit it off.  Davis is also really good in this role, and the love story here comes off as quite genuine.  I don't know how many science journalists look like Geena Davis, but stick with me.

It isn't long until Brundle has taken Veronica back to his lair and shown her what he has been working on.  Teleporters.  He has two of them, but he still has difficulty with living beings, as shown by what happens when he tries to move a baboon from one pod to another.  Think that thing from Watchers times a thousand.  This is about where the character of Stathis Borans (John Getz) enters the fray, an old flame of Veronica's and also her former editor who really hates the presence of Seth in his ex's life.  The jealousy factor is what triggers Brundle to make his next move, transporting himself after making some tweaks to the pods...with a common everyday housefly in the pod, unbeknownst to our hero.  Oops.

I'd seen a decent amount of monster movies at the point in my life that I first caught this flick.  As such, I was expecting some good rampaging fly-monster action from this point forward.  What follows is something very different, and much better, frankly.  The script did a great job getting us emotionally invested in these characters from this point forward - and it continues to do so!  Amazingness!  Slowly but surely, Seth begins transforming.  First, he's just much more jumpy and emotional.  Then he notices freakish human strength and sexual energy.  Then he starts losing fingernails.  Then vomiting digestive enzymes.  Yeah.  The movie is REALLY realistic and detailed when it comes to Brundle turning into "Brundlefly" (as he dubs himself), all with Veronica looking on with horror.  I should also point out that Veronica has learned by now that she is pregnant, which gives us what I deem to be the scariest nightmare scene in movie history.  No spoilers here if you haven't seen it.

In order for a horror movie to be, you know, horror, people have to die.  Or at least get severely injured.  Those are the official rules that I came up with just now, and I'm sticking to them, dammit.  Well, The Fly is a horror movie - even more so than the Vincent Price original that I actually just saw for the first time a year ago.  Case in point: the final trimester of the movie, as Brundlefly abducts Veronica after finding out that she plans to abort the baby and brings her back to his lab, with Stathis in hot pursuit (huh-kuh-kuh-kuh).  It's emotional, it's brutal, and it's...pretty stomach-churning.  If you've got a weak tolerance for gore, this is probably a movie to avoid, because there's some disgusting stuff to be had.  Advance warning.

This movie is good.  Like, really good.  As far as remakes go, it's pretty much the gold standard.  I enjoyed the 1958 film for what it was, but it can't hold a candle to what Cronenberg and screenwriter Charles Edward Pogue were able to conjure up here.  They took that basic concept and framework that was provided and just totally let their imaginations run wild, and the result is definitely a labor of love that has stood the test of time.  The special effects are also ungodly; the transformation of Brundle to Brundlefly is especially some amazing stuff, starting off with your basic household rash and eventually winding up at full-on Freddy Krueger-esque hideousness.  Yikes.

More than anything though, this is definitely still Jeff Goldblum's movie.  People slather on the praise for how good he was in this, and every bit of it is deserved.  In the hands of somebody else, the role probably could have been laughable, but Goldblum's natural weirdness an eccentricity actually made this guy likable.  Even a little pitiful, at times, as he spits out lines buried behind something like 97 pounds of makeup.  Because of Goldblum, this movie hooks you and doesn't let go for all 95 brisk minutes.

No surprises here.  This movie gets a **** out of ****, bah Gawd!  You guys know that I don't pass around the "Must-See" moniker very often, but a horror movie about love that manages to repulse you at the same time?  Tell me you're not curious.