@AWESOME

Yup, kids, I've officially adopted the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality and hopped on the Twitter bandwagon.  Follow me around and I'll follow you right back: @LickNessMonster.  #AFOREMENTIONED

Fear not, Monsters...

If you follow these blog posts (hopefully), you've no doubt noticed that the updates have...um, well...stopped.  And you'd be very observent and correct.

The updates HAVE stopped, but rest assured this is just a temporary situation.  I'm actually in the midst of writing something very involving, very lengthy, and very non-horror-related at the moment, but when this project is completed, the Lick Ness Monster will be BACK and better than ever.  I've got some amazing films on the docket when that day comes (hopefully before the next Vernal Equinox), so look forward to some old-school bitching and backbiting in the hopefully not-too-distant future. 

Until then, VIVA LA HORROR!!

Gallery of Evil: My Ten Favorite Horror Villains

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before, but Halloween is a pretty big deal in Lick Ness Monsterland.  OK, maybe I've mentioned it once or twice.

Ever since I've been old enough to have conscious memories I've been aware of it.  The earliest Halloween that I remember celebrating involved two full bags of candy (more on that later) and being dressed as - I shit you not - the king of clubs.  Yes, as in the playing card.  Proof of this momentous occasion exist somewhere in the inner confines of a photo album, and I'm sure that with minimal searching I could probably find and digitize them for everyone's viewing pleasure.  But then I would have to kill each and every one of you.  What do you need to know about this?  Nothing, other than giant cardboard playing cards with a facehole ROCK!

Anyway, from my very earliest days, it was my favorite holiday, and since I love bold blanket statements, I can say without a doubt that I've had a better Halloween atmosphere than any of you.  Because let me tell you a little something about Smith Avenue in Worthington, Minnesota during Halloween season (brother)...it's unreal.  So unreal that NOBODY believes me when I tell them - until they check it out for themselves.  People have come and gone from this street over the years, but somehow, some way, the tradition has always stayed the same.  Even more amazingly, the effect of this atmosphere has multiplied exponentially over the years.

Almost everyone on this street decorates.  A fair percentage go completely balls-out with their Halloween festivities, throwing huge ghost-and-witch filled displays in their front yard augmented by whatever cheapo crap can be had from Wal-Mart.  And when five o'clock hits on October 31st, nobody is a cheapskate - every porch light is lit, every homeowner is ready to participate.

The result?  Last year, more than 800 kids came, saw, and conquered.  You know how you look at the unbelievably busy streets during "trick-or-treating" scenes in movies or sitcoms and say "that's bullshit - our street is nothing like that!"  Well, sucks to be you, because mine actually is.  For the better part of four hours, it's a gigantic, candy-filled, mirthified Halloween party, and it is, without a doubt, the thing that I look forward to most every year.

So yeah, it is under this environment that I grew up, the costumes getting more intricate as I went from Kindergarten to sixth grade (the mystical cutoff point for trick-or-treating in my household, and, IMO, this is the way it should be) and every Halloween being better than the next.  As mentioned in last year's mammoth Friday the 13th retrospective, I discovered the series featuring everyone's favorite hockey-masked psycho during the summer of 1994, and coupled with that AFOREMENTIONED Halloween atmosphere of Smith Avenue, this started a lifelong fascination with masked killers, stage blood and gratuitous nudity that continues to this day, probably serving as a primary reason why I'm 29, still single and have absolutely zero prospects of changing that anytime soon.  There is also the slight possibility that it's due to the fact that I'm a shy pro wrestling-obsessed weirdo, but fuck it...I'm blaming the horror movies.

While I didn't outright say it in last year's manifesto, it should have been apparent that the one thing that drew me to Friday the 13th more than anything else was the big guy himself.  As a kid, Jason Voorhees was this bizarre antihero.  Like, I knew that he was doing terrible, terrible things to people...but there was something about him, something about the way that he wreacked havoc on swathes of popular, happy, horny young kids that stood out to me as cool, even if watching his movies made me cower under the covers at night (this actually happened more than once).  And he wore a goddamn hockey mask. 

This is nothing unique - I'd be willing to bet that it's the villains who draw most horror fans in to the genre, as they are frequent faces in the pantheon of long-running series that dot the horror landscape amidst a sea of stock, sometimes sympathetic and almost always stereotypical victim characters.  But enough of that.  On Halloween night of 1998, I invited friends over just to watch the TNT MonsterVision Friday the 13th marathon to do nothing more than pass out candy on my unbelievable street and watch a whole slew of movies about a mother-avenging psycho killing countless teenagers.  The two just go hand-in-hand.  It's almost primordial, in a way.  And it's still my favorite Halloween ever.

So that's where we're at today, kids.  During my college years, I had something of a dynasty going at a fairly prominent annual Halloween costume contest dressing as some of those very villains of my youth and adolescence.  I was fascinated by them then, and I'm still fascinated by them now - a great number of them have been constants in my life for many years, serving as de facto childhood friends that I cling to for reasons unknown.  Some of them have even been bastardized by myself in script or story form.  I wish I was making that up. 

Thus, for Halloween 2012, allow me to introduce...

Lick Ness Monster's Top Ten Horror Villains of All Time!

Note that this is not necessarily a "Best" list, but the ones that have been my favorites throughout the years, and the ones that have had the most impact on my life.

10.

First things first - I've actually met Doug Bradley.  He was at a horror convention I attended sometime in 2008, and he's a super nice English gent whom you'd never suspect plays an S&M-obsessed, pasty-white helldemon.  My first viewing of Hellraiser was in October of 1994 (I know this, because it took place after an episode of Monday Night Raw involving Psycho Bob Backlund in all of his glory building up his upcoming match with Bret Hart), and it was one of the first horror movies I took in that didn't feature Jason and his pals.  The Hellraiser series is a very different beast from the other long-running horror franchises out there - much more cerebral, with a focus on high-fallutin' concepts like Lovecraftian elements and literal visions of Hades.  But forget all that - Pinhead, the leader of the "cenobites" who inhabit a puzzle box known as the Lament Configuration promising the ultimate in pleasure and pain for anyone dumb/brave enough to open it, is like a more restrained Freddy Krueger clad in all-black male dominatrix gear.  I've always found him to be awesomeness personified, and, of course, he looks all kinds of badass.

9.

More nitpicky readers out there (and you know who you are) might say that this guy isn't a HORROR villain, per se, but in my world, the first two Predator films have a prime directive - scare audiences.  This makes them horror films.  The first movie in particular has a very slasher-movie style execution, with its band of characters (a likable group of elite Special Forces soldiers led by the king of asskicking himself Arnold Schwarzenegger) getting picked off one-by-one until a sole survivor remains to do battle with the unstoppable villain.  Back in my middle school years, this was one of my favorite movies, and I still dig out the original 1987 Predator at least twice a year to partake in its excellent script, memorable characters...and the Predator himself.  Films that feature an alien villain take vastly different avenues; while the rival Alien franchise made the villains malevolent and primitive, the civilization of hunting aliens seen in these films are technological terrors, boasting all kinds of cool weapons and sophisticated killing techniques.  You just can't get much cooler than a heat-seeking killer discus.  That combined with the amazing makeup work to create the signature visage seen above is enough to make him one of my favorites.

8.

For a very brief period of time (I'd like to say 2004, but this timeframe is uncertian), this guy was my absolute favorite horror villain.  I discovered the charms of Full Moon's low-budget but earnest Pupper Master series long after their heyday, but the cheesy-yet-honest special effects, interesting story taking place during the World War II era and unforgettable group of villains instantly won me over.  For the uninitiated, Pupper Master focuses on puppetmaker Andre Toulon and his ability to transfer souls into inanimate objects, an ability he utilizes to perfection in the back-story filled third film which concerns his revenge on a group of dastardly Nazis for the death of his wife.  Each puppet has a distinct look and weapon (type "Miss Leech" into Google and get ready to be disturbed), but Blade is definitely the coolest of the lot.  With a hook for one arm, switchblade knife for another, glowing red eyes and trenchcoat, Blade is recognized as the leader and most sadistic of the puppets and is the point man for one of the single best kills in horror movie history - the human villain's death in the original movie.  All of that said, it's no wonder why I went as this guy for Halloween 2006.

7.

Freddy was the hardest villain to pinpoint on this list; after all, I've written an entire freakin' FAN SCRIPT about him - my version of a remake film that, fortunately or unfortunately, Platinum Dunes made impossible with their incredibly banal 2010 reboot.  On the other hand, I saw my first Nightmare on Elm Street film comparatively late - 1998, again, long after the series' heyday - and I've come to hold the series in a different light in recent years, seeing only the third film as a genuinely great horror film with many of the other movies fitting the "ambitious but flawed" banner...but that doesn't take anything away from Freddy Krueger himself.  The original vision of Freddy - a scarred, hideous undead dream stalker exacting revenge on the angry mob responsible for his death by killing their children...in their goddamn sleep.  Brrrr.  Robert Englund's portrayal of Freddy was, and still is, irreplaceable, with the veteran character actor giving malice, menace and just the right mix of humor to the opening cycle of the series.  Eventually, the powers-that-be made Freddy a wisecracking antihero in the later films, but it's the Freddy of films 1-3 that still stand as the definitive version of the character to yours truly.  Oh, and I dressed as him for Halloween 2005.

6.

I really feel sorry for people whose only exposure to the Story of the Cursed Videotape (capitalization intended) is the American films The Ring and The Ring Two.  The first is perfectly passable, but the second...well, it sucks.  Although it does include the unintentionally hilarious deer attack scene, so there is that.  Nope, kids, for the uninitiated out there, this story had been unfolding for many years in the land of the rising sun in no less than four theatrical films and a whole host of TV movie and television series adaptations, all based on Koji Suzuki's epic series of novels about a deadly urban legend that spreads like a virus through the once ubiquitous and now almost forgotten VHS tape.  Stateside, you knew the crazy chick who crawled out of the TV screen as Samara; in the Japanese films, we get to know Sadako Yamamura on a much more than cursory level, with the fourth film, Ringu 0, serving as the rare horror prequel that is both entertaining and scary.  In late 2007 when I started seriously building my J-horror collection, the Ringu series was the first series that I sought out.  It's still something that I have to experience in its entirety at least once a year, mainly due to the lady of the hour herself; she might not talk much until Ringu 0, but actions speak louder than words.

5.

Whoo boy, this one takes me back.  Late in 1995 (for those keeping score, I was 12 at the time), I checked out one of the annual gigantic Roger Ebert movie companions from the library.  Of course, as a punk kid fascinated by any and all things scary, the first thing I did was look up the various horror franchises that enticed and terrified me from the video shelves, and in the review for the original Halloween, Mr. Ebert proclaimed "this is a film so violent and scary that, yes, I would compare it to Psycho."  That was all it took to sell me - I'd seen Halloween a short time earlier, and there was another movie out there that was better?  Holy crap!  In some ways, Psycho was one of the first movies I enjoyed on a more than "kiddie amusement" level - I did research on it beforehand, checking out a book on Hitchcock's films and understanding approximately 17% of it before that initial viewing.  The character of Norman, played by Anthony Perkins, is simply a masterpiece; in the Robert Bloch novel, he is old, fat and dislikable.  Hitchcock's decision to make the character young, handsome and likable was a stroke of genius, making the ending switch that the film pulls on us all the more impactful.  Oh, and the dialogue given to him by screenwriter Joseph Stefano is so pitch-perfect that I can recite almost every word to this day.

4.

I've mentioned this several times before, but the first movie that I have a conscious memory of watching is Gremlins.  I can't even remember the first time I saw it; from my earliest memories, I was well aware that I was taking in a movie that had been seen several times already, and Stripe - the evil counterpart to the cute-as-a-button Gizmo - was the epitome of badassery to my VERY young self.  Gremlins is a movie that just lends itself to kids, in a way; the cuteness of the furry Mogwai, the Christmas setting, Corey Feldman wandering around, it all sucks you in.  Then, once Stripe and his cronies rear their very ugly heads, it all turns into a frenzy of violence that, in some way or another, I think all kids identify with.  We'd all like to play havoc with our neighbors, cause all kinds of mayhem without getting caught, and launch a batty old lady up her automatic stairs at a horrifying speed.  It's like an unwritten law, or something.  As the leader of the bunch, Stripe was the most easily distinguishable of the villains, boasting a signature look and an even more signature bad attitude - quite impressive since his lines are primarily limited to "Gizmo" and "Milk Duds."

3.

Halloween night, 1995 - that was the first time I saw the film about babysitters, an escaped lunatic, and the night that Michael Myers came home.  Up until this point, only one other film character had frightened and fascinated me as much as the guy in the Shatner mask, and in some ways, the 12-year-old version of me found Michael to be a much deeper character than the other guy.  We're introduced to him as a kid in the first movie, an ordinary child in a solid middle-class family who goes batshit crazy for no reason whatsoever.  We get to know his psychiatrist, wonderfully played by Donald Pleasence, who tells us time and again in the early goings that Michael Myers is an inhuman beast who should not - and cannot - be set free.  The "stalking and watching" portions of the first two Halloween films were what really stood out to me as a kid, and I couldn't get enough of them for the better part of a year.  Sometime in my early college years, I became borderline obsessed with the series after catching one of the later entries in the series for the first time on AMC, tracking down limited edition tins for the fourth and fifth films while taking in the rest via rental, even briefly considering getting a tattoo of the all-white mask a few years after that.  The Michael Myers as seen in the original slate of films is a character that makes you conjure things up - until disappointing sixth film (not to mention Rob Zombie's godawful remakes), we're given ideas and clues as to what makes this guy tick, but few outright answers.  And that's the way I prefer it.

2.

I'll spare everyone the excruciating details; they were already spelled out in last year's masturbatory full-length blog article outlining my long, bloody history with Mr. Voorhees and the Friday the 13th film franchise.  I don't know what else there is to say about this series that hasn't already been said; all these years later, and still no slasher movie can hold a candle to the decade-long reign that this series boasted during the '80s.  Through eight films, a failed reboot attempt midway through and a transformation in the latter films to an undead zombie terminator, Jason has captivated me from the first time I saw him as a scared-out-of-my-wits nine-year-old watching Part VII: The New Blood in the basement with my brother, even if I did laugh at the scene where he whacked a sleeping bag - pretty girl inside - against a tree.  The entire series is the very definition of "campfire scary story," with heavy moral undertones for its would-be victim characters, a remote location, and an uncontrollable psychopath killer.  Less is more.  Beauty in simplicity.  And that's why the most famous man to ever don a goalie mask has been a constant in my life for 20 years

1.

No doubt a surprise to many of you; compared to many of the other names on this list, ol' croakin' Kayako is a relative newcomer in the Lick Ness Monster lifescope.  I wasn't blown away by it initially, having seen the first American Grudge film in 2005 and not being terribly impressed initially.  Then, two years later, I caught the 2003 Japanese film Ju-On: The Grudge (actually the third Japanese film, interestingly enough) late one night after getting off my crappy fast food job.  In a word, unbelievable.  I couldn't tear myself away from the TV during the wee morning hours that winter night in 2007 - mainly due to the trademark vocalization, contortionary mannerisms and, in an extremely strange way, sexiness of the ghost crawling around in her death throes and killing the holy hell out of any souls dumb and/or unfortunate enough to enter her home.  Takako Fuji takes a mostly mute character and does for it what Kane Hodder did with Jason Voorhees, making the character completely hers for an extended period of time encompassing six films.  Each movie, while varying slightly in quality, somehow managed to find ways for Kayako to top the previous when it came to money scenes.  More than anything, though, it's just the mood that I got from watching these films that have played such a big role in my adulthood journey; they're like a calm, quiet storm, gathering slowly and eventually exploding in a furious crescendo, all with Kayako as the dark cloud hanging over our heads.  For one final bit of proof as to just how much Kayako has affected me, head on over to the "Grudge" section at fanfiction.net and look for two stories authored by thomasrigby.  Yup.  I've written goddamn FAN FICTION due to my fandom for this character.  You can't get more nerdy/sad than that.


There you have it.  Ten horror movie villains that were introduced to me at different phases in my life, but ten who, in their own unique way, have left an undelible imprint in the psyche of my primitive Zeuglodonian brain and continue to periodically crop up in my thoughts and dreams.  Happy Halloween, and if you want some free advice, you could definitely do worse than to pop in a DVD featuring any one of the ten luminaries listed above come October 31st!!

You've read the last five, what's one more? It's "Leprechaun: Hood Bookend"!!

Fun fact for the day: this movie, the LAST (finally) film in the franchise to date, was originally supposed to be Leprechaun: Destination Spring Break.  The title may have been less stupid, but that was indeed the premise.  For God knows what reason, the producers reniged on this idea, and instead, we get this - Leprechaun: Let's Just Copy What We Did in the Last One. 

That's all the introduction I feel like this week. 

THE MOVIE!!

The film opens with a double prologue - and it's a doozy.  Firstly, we're treated to what's actually a pretty well-done animated short detailing the back story of Leprechauns and their fascination with gold.  Turns out that the little guys were once called by an Irish king to protect the treasures of the land.  Only one of them didn't return to the forest after these fictional wars were over, staying behind in our world to become twisted and evil over time.  So...wow, six movies in and we've finally got some semblance as to just what the hell Warwick Davis is supposed to be.

Prologue #2 is decidedly less interesting, as a old and very sweaty priest dukes is duking it out with the Leprechaun at a youth center's construction site.  I swear to you, this is what's happening.  In a darkly-lit scene that rivals anything in A v P: Requiem when it comes to incomprehensibility, the priest - who presumably has used to the Leprechaun's gold to fund a youth center - succeeds in banishing our pint-sized hero to the nether world with some clover-laced holy water, only to keel over immediately afterward due to a heart attack.  Leprechauns, heart failure, some guys just can't catch a break.

Unfortunately, this means that I've got to introduce you to our protagonists.  It's an exercise that I'm not looking forward to, but here we go.  Our leads Emily (Tangi Miller) and  Lisa (Sherrie Jackson).  Want some defining characteristics that make these two characters pop out a bit more than just first names?  Emily = nice, sweet, likable hairstylist trying to save up enough money to attend college.  Lisa = stuck-up, sassy, materialistic.  For what it's worth, Tangi Miller isn't bad in the movie; she's got a fair amount of charisma, and actually manages to elicit a few moments of sympathy throughout the film.  I said a few, don't get your hopes up. 

For secondary characters, we're blessed with Jamie (Page Kennedy), an idiotic stoner who gives us no less than ten "humorous" scenes that are anything but.  For an indication of the material that we're working with, an early scene shows him getting high and barking to his dog (bad pun, I know) that he can't have any weed.  His mom walks in, pissed expression on her face, and says "damn, boy -- you talkin' to the dog again?"  There's also Rory (Laz Alonso), a drug dealer who used to date Emily.  And it's just as Romeo-and-Juliet-esque as you'd think.  It should also be pointed out that the clothing label 57 Fake probably provided half of this movie's budget for the amount of times they are seen wearing shirts blaring their merits throughout the film's duration.

Well, if you know your Leprechaun history (and if you've read all of these reviews, you do, in addition to being a very patient soul), you know that every one of these movies has a lynchpin event where our idiots who aren't in peril put themselves in peril.  This happens when our four lead characters decide to have a picnic on the abandoned youth center site, where Emily promptly falls into a covered hole and finds the Leprechaun's gold.  It all happened so quickly and without intrigue, and I really wish I had some big epic story for you, but I don't. 

Anyway, the four friends split up their gold findings - amounting to roughly $250,000 a piece - and commence spending, awakening our pint-sized hero in the process.  We get our first kill out of this, as Warwick Davis enacts the obligatory "Leprechaun gets high" sequence before shoving a bong through a dude's stomach.  Let's see, we've already seen him get drunk in the second film and high in the previous "Hood" entery.  And all of these sequences dragged FOREVER.  I don't quite get why the makers of these films felt that little people getting all sorts of f**ked up equaled comedic gold, but you take what you're given, I guess.

Within short order, we enter full-on, tried-and-true "I want me gold!" murderous rampage mode.  In a move that somewhat surprised me, Lisa is one of the first ones to be killed off.  Surprising because (a) she was starting to warm up to Jamie's awful attempts to woo her, and (b) she looks utterly fantastic in booty shorts, which she parades around in during her murder scene. 

Emily and Rory go on the run from the Leprechaun now (Emily had encountered him earlier, barely escaping his wrath at the hair salon, and thinks that maybe - just maybe - their dead friend had something to do with the hideous-looking fiend who accosted her).  The bodies begin piling up from this point on, mostly of a bunch of completely irrelevant characters who had been vaguely introduced at some earlier point only to serve as murder fodder later.  One of them is Rory's floozy girlfriend, who stole a gold coin at a house party to turn it into a gold cap for her tooth.  Meaning that the Leprechaun rips her jaw off and begins walking around with a gold tooth of his own.  You know, Jon Lickness is one of the whitest white dudes you'll ever meet, and some of these stereotypes are making ME uncomfortable.  There's also Rory's drug-dealing rivals and a pair of idiot cops who had been hounding Jamie and Rory throughout the movie.

One thing that immediately stood out to me about this movie - remember how in four non-Hood films the Leprechaun actually had some pretty cool powers consisting of trickery, voice-changing and so forth that led to some gruesome and cringe-worthy death scenes (like a guy eating a lawnmower blade in Leprechaun 2?  In this movie, he's way more into duking it out with his bare fists, choking, gouging and so forth, as we get two scenes within close proximity to each other where he challenges various characters to a fistfight, gets beat up for a while, and eventually rips a body part off of his opponent.  I don't know, I guess I just liked the character who was a threat because of his supernatural powers better than a tiny guy who happens to be a good boxer.  Either that, or God, I'm a nerd.

For more nerd trivia, Sticky Fingaz is in this movie.  So don't say I didn't mention it.

Having nowhere else to turn after witnessing so much death and debauchery, Emily, Rory and Jamie head to the local fortune teller who has made a few appearances throughout the film so fascinating that I didn't even bother to mention them.  Armed with new knowledge about a Leprechaun's weakness, Rory makes some clover-infused bullets (and I've got to admit, that's actually a pretty clever plot idea) before the Leprechaun himself shows up and pops down the door.  Rory begins peppering him with bullets, and just as it appears that the movie is about to be over at the 72-minute mark, his Glock jams.  Brilliant plot device alert.

Begin ending sequence.  I know that I've used this phraseology before, but after six freakin' Leprechaun movies, sue me, I want to wrap this up quickly - do you really need me to spell out that the good guys win?  Jamie is incapacitated due to a wooden bat getting lodged in his knee, meaning that we are without his services for the remainder of the film.   We get our usual batch of false-finishes (including Rory giving the Leprechaun a very Leprechaun 1-style Rodney King beating in a scene that made me laugh for all the wrong reasons).  The endgame?  Rory fixes his gun, pops a cap in the Leprechaun's ass, and gets thrown off a roof into a puddle of wet cement.  And everyone lives happily ever after.  Although we do get a similar animated ending to what we got in Prologue #1, involving a hand coming up out of some concrete as the cliffhanger leading toward the sequel that never happened.

FINAL ANALYSIS:  I'm going to do my best to sum up my thoughts on this movie first: ugh, just ugh.  As the last movie in the first official Leprechaun series, Back 2 Tha Hood is the very definition of a Euthanasia treatment.  The franchise was clearly on life support by this point, both in budget and execution.  And, it sucked.  Ordinarily, I try to provide at least some empirical evidence of those blanket statements, but really, just read the above recap and that shoudl spell out all the reasons why that statement is correct.  1/2 * out of ****.

Now for some words on the series itself:  I'm done?  I'm really done?  Man, this was an endurance test of epic proportions.  The third film was the closest thing that we ever got to a GOOD movie in the entire series, and even that film made me occasionally want to gouge my own eyes out with pliars.  The Leprechaun films run the gamut of pretty much everything that a stuffy film major would deem to be "bad": bad screenplays, bad acting, bad stories.  However, as is the case with most micro-budgeted horror films, there is one catch - I always felt like the people who actually MADE these films had a ton of fun doing them.

Especially Warwick Davis.  I've mentioned it several times throughout these reviews, but the dude really did look like he was having the time of his life while making these films.  The way I understand it, he has said in more than a few interviews throughout the years just how much he loved the character that he got to play no less than six times.  It definitely showed on screen, as he put every bit of his 3'6" frame into a murderous, rhyming mythical Irish demon.  Fifteen stars for this guy, and a true class act all the way. 

Unfortunately, this means that I have to switch gears and talk about the future of this franchise.  You know, upon completing my reviews of the Ghoulies and Critters films, I said - with full confidence - that these things were effectively remake-proof, mainly because I don't believe there is a movie executive out there willing to shell out the money to acquire the franchise rights and trout out a remake to appease the three fans that each series had.  I also believed that this was true for this series - but apparently some geniuses out there believe that marketing to three people is a wise film business strategy.

Those geniuses, of course, would be WWE.

It goes without saying that I'm a huge wrestling fan.  I've dropped a few references to it in my reviews that hopefully a few astute souls have picked up on, and to make a long story short, while I bitch and moan about it a lot, much like horror films, I WANT this particular art form to succeed.  So here's some sobering facts for ya - WrestleMania XXVIII, their biggest pay-per-view event of the year, was a phenomenal success this year, having sold 1.3 million buys and putting 75,000 people in Sun Life Stadium.  Yet, if you looked at their stock price, you would never have even thought that the event took place. 

While the company continues to make money by the boatloads with their TV programming (no matter how inane and backwards it has become, but I won't get into that particular rant), they continue to sink millions into their film division, which cannot be considered anything other than a complete, utter, colossal failure.  They've released something like 18 films in the past seven years, and I believe a grand total of three have turned a profit.  It goes beyond value on a balance sheet, though - their movies completely, utterly suck, and while we've all been aware that Vince McMahon is an ancient, decrepit, borderline senile guy with his finger on the pulse of pop culture from 15 years ago, it still legit amazes me that he thinks that, at some point, he's going to make bajillions of dollars making horrible films about prisoners chaperoning field trips and John Cena rescuing random love interest #2.

The point of all this?  I'm anything but a fan of the Leprechaun series.  But I'm not in favor of remaking it - especially if it's from WWE, and especially since we no longer get Warwick Davis.  We get this guy.

I rest my case.

Leprechaun Series Locale #5: THE HOOD!

Okay, kids, we've come to this.  Up until this point, the Leprechaun series had gone...essentially every other direction it could have gone, really.  The countryside.  The big city.  Las vegas itself.  Outer frickin' space.  In a series where really little changes other than the locale, sooner or later, it had to reach this. 

Ahhh...Leprechaun: In The Hood.  Coming to video store shelves in early 2000, this particular entry in the [i]Leprechaun[/i] saga is a real mixed bag - some fans see it as a welcome change of pace for the franchise, others think it's just as crappy as the first four installments.  Me?  I'm not quite so sure.  The mood significantly different than anything I've seen from the series thus far, but as we've learned, different does not necessarily always mean better.  I'd have to say that this law is fully in effect here. 

Oh, and Ice-T is in the flick.

I've gone through a very weird pop culture fandom journey with Ice throughout my existence.  As a kid, I used to love the hell out of his song "Colors" to the point where my brother once got royally pissed off at me for keeping his "Cool Rap" compilation cassette tape (remember those?) too long.  Around my teenage years, I was a big fan of his film Surviving the Game which once got shown on MonsterVision for some reason or another (it wasn't really a horror film, so don't ask me).  And lately...I don't know, I won't change the channel if Special Victims Unit is on.  While I enjoy his rapping (although LL totally owned his ass in their early-'90s feud), watching him in this movie, it legit amazes me that he ever got the role on SVU.  Everyone else's milage may vary, but I don't find acting to be the guy's strong point.

THE MOVIE!!

The film opens with a truly epic confrontation.  Two jive soul bros (one of whom played by T, the other one a nonentity whose name I won't even bother to learn) are looking for lost gold.  In a captivating bit of continuity, the Leprechaun is trapped in a statue exactly like the one seen in Leprechaun 3 surrounded by his pot o' gold and bound - just like in said third film - by a necklace around its neck.  Before the first dissolve hits, random idiot is dead, Ice-T has managed to subdue the Leprechaun threat, and we've already had more afros than legally allowed in 34 states. 

Flash forward twenty years, which unfortunately means that we have to meet our protagonists for this particular go-round.  Our lead guy - Postmaster P.  Occupation - rapper with Positivity (hence the P).  He's played by Anthony Montgomery of Star Trek: Enterprise, and for what it's worth, the dude actually puts every bit of his somewhat suspect acting chops into the role of a rapper bucking the trend of gangsta.  His buddies, however, aren't as likable - there's impulsive Stray Bullet (Rashaan Nall) and idiot Butch (Red Grant).  See those one-word character descriptions?  That's pretty much all you need to know.

Moving right along, here's your basic setup - these guys are desperate to get played and make it, and in this movie's fictional universe, the best way to make it is through record producer Mack Daddy O'Nassus.  O'Nassus, is, of course, Ice-T himself, now twenty years older and relatively wiser.  He's also the possessor of the Leprechaun's magical flute, which has a sort of mind-altering power over anyone who hears it.  Long story short, they perform for T, he wants them to change their act, and they refuse.  Only since we need a better setup than that, Stray talks Postmaster and Butch into raiding Mack Daddy's pad (where the Leprechaun statue now resides, along with the flute) for loot, a process that results in Postmaster shooting O'Nassus dead and wandering off with both the necklace and the flute, awakening the Leprechaun in the process.

Want some unintentional hilarity that nobody could write?  This movie, with oodles of ghetto slanguage and "N" words aplenty, was written by a guy named Mark Jones.  Yeah.

I'm going to do my absolute damndest to streamline the remainder of this review, partly because I'm tired and partly because you're likely really, really bored.  Ice-T actually SURVIVED the shooting (his big gold Cross stopped the bullet), meaning that he's plenty pissed off at the wannabe rappers who raized his belongings.  After sharing a joint with the Leprechaun (seriously), the two declare a truce as they have a common enemy in the three schlubs who made off with their treasures.

So here's your film for the next thirty minutes or so:

(1) Ice-T marauding around, doiong his best to look menacing while getting revenge on our (*sigh*) heroes;
(2) Postmaster (who is struggling with guilt after reniging on his Positivity platform by using guns and stealing from Mack Daddy), Stray and Butch utilizing the mind-altering power of the flute in a few rap cadences while on the run from Mack Daddy;
(3) Warwick Davis, once again exceptionally watchable in this film despite the expectedly awful story, attempting to reclaim his flute. 

Of course, there's plenty of blips on the radar along the way.  More than a few people get offed by the Leprechaun, including not one but TWO pawn shop owners (one of whom played by the same guy who couldn't pronounce George Costanza's name in the Chinese restaurant) and a drag queen whom the protagonists briefly shack up with.  Don't ask.  Truth be told, they aren't very creative murders; certainly nothing along the lines of that legendary lawnmower blade scene from the second film.  Then again, few horror movie deaths are.  All things added up, the death toll this time is pretty pedestrian, so don't go in expecting any sort of bloodbath.  The best death is one of Mack Daddy's goons, who gets psychically shot by the Leprechaun, complete with Ice-T looking through the bullet hole.  

If you can't tell, this movie' second act consists of a whole heap o' tedium, so let's just warp ahead to the final trimester, shall we?  The Leprechaun and Mack Daddy track the trio to a church where they've holed up.  The brief partnership between the two bad guys ends here as Ice-T cuts a vicious Bobby Lashley-style promo on his diminuitive friend.  Mack Daddy himself manages to evade harm after the AFOREMENTIONED goon gets excavated.  Meanwhile, our heroes manage to trap the Leprechaun in a safe, but this only winds up REALLY pissing him off.  Leprechaun's response?  Simple - conjure up some Zombie Fly Girls!

Seriously, that's actually what he says.  These chicks become his loyal servants for the remainder of the film and, to be fair, they're pretty smokin' hot.  They have powers much like the Leprechaun does, and their eyes light up mystical green to signify their allegiance to the little dominator in buckled shoes.  Popping this movie in the ol' DVD player, the last thing I expected were three characters named Zombie Fly Girls, but there they are.  Pure genius.

Meanwhile, Postmaster, Stray and Butch are keeping their rap career going despite the mortal threat against their lives, and utilize the flute to impress a record executive into letting them into some kind of rap contest in LAS VEGAS, BABY (/Heath Slater).  Almost immediately after hearing this, the Leprechaun - Fly Girls in tow - shows up to reclaim his flute, forcing Stray to shoot himself in the process.  I ACTUALLY thought this movie was going to end on this admittedly down note, but nope - we've still got the mother of all finales to talk about.

Remember how I said in my last review how every film in this series has given me at least one thing that I'll never, ever forget?  Well, this movie is no different.  Butch buys a copy of "Leprechauns for Dummies" (seriously) and has concocted a truly masterful plan - get the little guy to smoke some four-leaf-clover-infused weed.  Four-leaf clovers, if you'll recall from the extensive lore of the Leprechaun series, are one of the many weaknesses that the screenwriters have dreamed up.  Butch has also discovered the hotel that the Leprechaun is staying at, and that he's basically a pimp now.  Amazingly enough, this is actually shown, as the Fly Girls bring him a new, um, employee to service him.  Yeah.  Leprechaun loves him some pussy.  The final cog in the plan - how to get close to the Leprechaun?

Why, of course - dress up like hookers and make their way up to the Leprechaun's room.  Now, I've never seen the movie White Chicks, nor do I have any plans on reversing that fact, but I do know this - the Wayans Brothers looked absolutely, positively nothing like human females in the commercials for that epic film.  And, well, Anthony Montgomery isn't much better.  Amazingly, despite this, it goes off practically without a hitch, as the Leprechaun smokes some of the clove-infused weed that the dragified Postmaster and Butch bring, putting him to sleep. 

They immediately grab the whistle and scamper off, only to be stopped by the returning Mack Daddy, who shoots Butch.  Red Grant gets the opportunity to show his Charlton Heston-style acting chops here with a death soliloquy that rivals anything in Shakespeare, dammit.  A tense standoff ensues in which Postmaster wrestles with his inner morals, brandishing a gun on Mack Daddy and debating whether or not to blow the sucker away...and he decides to go ahead and do it, thinking he has escaped with the flute and his ticket to rap superstardom. 

BUT THE TWIST IS (blatantly stealing from Troy Steele's awesome "Blogger Beware" website): The Leprechaun has recovered from his weed stupor, surprising Postmaster and reclaiming the flute.  He also manages to blow away a not-quite-dead-yet Mack Daddy (Jesus, how many lives does that guy have?) with another psychic bullet before entrancing Postmaster as another one of his slaves, leading to a legendary closing rap montage as Warwick Davis gets down with his bad self and unleashes "Lep in the Hood."  All things considered, Davis raps about as well as anybody I've heard in at least ten years.

FINAL ANALYSIS: Well, this one is...interesting.  I'd been looking forward to this movie in the series due to what I thought would be a dark and atmospheric "hood" tone.  That's not what I got, but what are you going to do when you're given a budget of approximately 75 cents in Mallow-Cup money.  I've got to hand it to Anthony Montgomery, who actually turns in a pretty good performance - it may not have come across in the review, but he's believable as a rapper who wants to take positivity to the charts (something that I'm firmly on the side of, for the record) wrestling with selling out and living the dirty lifestyle.  As usual, Davis looks like he's having even loads of fun.  I know I've said this numerous times, but you can really tell that he LOVES the character that he plays.  Everything else, though, is pretty much a wash.  None of the other characters are likable, the story is preposterous even by direct-to-DVD horror standards, and the scares are once again nonexistant.  Rinse, lather, repeat.  * out of ****.

So it's come to this: Leprechaun in Space. Get ready.

Normally, this is the part of the review where I give some sort of information on the film.  However, we're going to do something a bit different this time - some boring life and times of Jon Lickness storytime.  Hopefully no one wants to slit their wrists two minutes from now.

It's been three weeks since my last review, and in that time, I moved.  At 29 years old, I'm now the owner of an honest-to-christ HOUSE, and it's awesome.  I've got the horror collection on prominent display, I've got all 30+ Batman trade paperbacks firmly planted in my living room of all places, and I've got DISH Network and, by proxy, the ability to order wrestling pay-per-views from my living room instead of my goddamn laptop.  But that's not the most important thing.  That would be the fact that, for the first time in my life, I now have a place to put a brand-spanking new HDTV.  Which means that, after all of my bitching and moaning about Blu-Ray technology, I finally have something that can play it in the format that it's intended for.  And...it's awesome. 

I don't own any Blu-Ray discs yet, but I've been rewatching a lot of my long-neglected DVDs lately in glorious upconverted-to-1080i format.  It's really been an eye-opening experience.  Even better, summer dumbass blockbuster movie season is officially over - we've got Halloween Horror Season on the horizon, we've got The Possession opening in theaters today, we've got that new Clint Eastwood-Amy Adams baseball flick that looks all kinds of awesome.  In short, my love of movies has been rekindled.

So, with that, the first HMM review from the brand-new Lick Ness Monster HQ - Leprechaun 4: In Space.  I've heard a LOT about this movie - released in 1997, Filet-o-Fish budget - so let's just get right to it, shall we?

THE MOVIE!!

Welcome to an indeterminate date in THE FUTURE.  You know how Aliens had a group of badass space soldiers on an intergalactic search-and-destroy mission?  Well, this movie has the same thing.  Only they're much, much more annoying.  Their leader is Sergeant Hooker (Tim Colceri), a dude with a metal plate protruding from his skull who also uses the phrase "son of a bitch" more times than anyone I've ever known save for my high school gym teacher. 

Before I get going further, I should point out that I actually recognize a couple of people making up this film's Marine Corps.  The first is Debbe Dunning as the sluttish Costello, best known as Heidi from Home Improvement and the source of much, much private joy in the life of the adolescent Lick Ness Monster.  The other is Miguel A. Nunez Jr. as cool guy Marine "Sticks," , known to most as the star of the godawful comedy Juwanna Mann but best known to me as one of my favorite Friday the 13th victim characters of all time - little Reggie's older brother Demon.  Those damn enchiladas will kill ya.

That little bit of exposition out of the way, these guys are on their way to a planet called Ithacon in order to eliminate a creature causing problems for Earth's mining operations.  Three guesses as to just what creature we're talking about.

Yup, it's the Leprechaun, presumably making life miserable for the talked-about-yet-never-seen-because-the-budget-won't-allow-it mining company in order to pad his pot o' gold.  Or something.  In addition, he has also resumed his mating interest from Leprechaun 2, as he has somehow managed to kidnap an alien princess named Zarina (the insanely hot Rebekah Carlton) for the purpose of wooing her, murdering her father, and eventually marrying her to become King of the Universe.  Seriously, that's implied.  This time, it's not just for gold.  It's for THE WORLD.  Capitalization alert.

And...the Marines soon arrive.  I should mention that the main characters in our protagonist group are nice guy Sergeant "Books" Malloy (Brent Jasmer) and friendly medical officer Tina Reeves (the rather fetching blonde Jessica Collins, of Tru Calling relative fame).  Of the entire cast, they're the only ones who don't immediately stand out as future Leprechaun fodder, and the director does his damndest to convey some sort of romantic tension between them throughout the film.  Considering that Brent Jasmer doesn't even have a hyperlink on Wikipedia, this sweeping love story doesn't go too well.  I should also point out that Collins' character was sent for the mission at the last minute by Dr. Mittenhand (Guy Siner), a disembodied head who periodically appears on a video screen to give our characters various orders, all while talking like the most aggravating James Bond villain you've ever heard.

While Warwick Davis puts his best pimp on Zarina (he actually manages to win her over after promising her the fortune that her hapless father lost - her character really isn't portrayed sympathetically in the least bit, she's a spoiled brat and almost as power hungry as her pint-sized suitor).  And I'll say this for high-definition - it really makes the cardboard sets stand out.  With the power of 1080i pixelation, Ithacon looks like a honeycomb representation of a planet.  Or something. 

With very little intrigue, one of the greedier Marines happens upon a huge treasure trove of gold.  Or rather, a psychic representation of gold delivered by the Leprechaun.  This leads to our first kill (lightsaber to the shins - nice), followed by a gunfight that results in Zarina being shot and the Leprechaun being blown to bits by a grenade.  Allegedly. 

Alright, folks, we're about to enter Act Two.  I hope I'm not coming across too exasperated quite yet.

The Marines - and Dr. Reeves - take the body of Zarina back onto the ship under the orders of Mittenhand with the premise of "improving relations with her home planet."  Seems like a sound enough plan to me.  In celebration of their successful mission, the soldiers soon enough begin a big, rocking '80s movie style drunken blowout.  Hilarious in and of itself, but we also get the glory of Debbe Dunning dancing in a very sexy fashion.  +2 points for the movie, right there.  Dunning is able to seduce one of the Marines - named Kowalski - and leads him away from the party for some hot coitus, and it's here where we get a scene for the ages.

So, after the Leprechaun was blown up on Ithacon, Kowalski decided to urinate on his remains.  Apparently, this led to some sort of Leprechaun-y possession of his unit that manifests itself at the absolute worst time.  He and Dunning begin making out on some remote section of the ship, and the action starts to get heavier.  Before he can seal the deal, however, the almighty crotch demon AWAKENS, as a bulge appears and...Warwick Davis pops out of a man's penis.

You know, this series is quite terrible, but I'll give them this - every film has given me one sequence that I'll never, ever forget.  The first had Jennifer Aniston and Company beating down the Leprechaun Rodney King-style.  The second had the lawnmower blade kill.  The third had Warwick Davis interacting with an Elvis impersonator.  And now we've got perhaps the most wacky moment yet - a horror villain being reborn after being pissed on and emerging from the sexual organs of the offending character.  As far as horror movie villain regenerations, I'd say that this is the best of all time.  Sorry, flaming dog urine from Nightmare on Elm Street 4, there's a new champion.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming.  Dunning runs back to the rest of her team and kindly informs them that there is a murderous stowaway on their ship.  Through some means that I didn't quite catch - mainly because I was half-asleep by this point - they determine that the Leprechaun is located in the ship's waste disposal unit where another of the meatheads is killed off.  It isn't a very creative death - his hazmat suit taken off while in the waste disposal chamber, leading to some off-screen skeletonizing.  It seems to scare the other characters quite a bit, however, as they soon do their best Monty Python impression and decide that running away is the best course of action.

Back on the bridge, we get a Vince Russo-style swerve, as it turns out that Dr. Mittenhand reveals that he has been on board the ship the entire time.  Due to a computer experiment gone horribly awry...well, he looks like this.

Yep.  Having discovered that the blood of Princess Zarina's species has regenerative powers, he has plans on using her preserved carcass to repair his mutilated body, and while the Marines want to abort the mission, this guy makes it quite clear that retreat equals treason, and even offers them a cut of the mining profits if they stay and attempt to kill the intruder.

And there you have it, kids.  Our characters begin to split and pair off in search of the Leprechaun - who in turn is looking for his bride-to-be and ticket to ruling the galaxy.  This means that we get several more death scenes as Warwick DAvis makes short work of several more cast members.  He crushes a Marine under a metal structure, drops Debbe Dunning to her death, and cartoonishly flattens Dr. Mittenhand's lecherous assistant's face after convincing him that Tina has shown up at the door completely stripped of her clothes.  I should also point out that this guy attempted to grope the unconscious body of Princess Zarina only to be interrupted by Dr. Mittenhand before he could complete the fondling session.  So this is really a cheer-out-loud death.

Zarina awakens, and immediately orders her husband-to-be to destroy Dr. Mittenhand. He responds by injecting Mittenhand with a mixture of Zarina's regenerative blood along with spider and scorpion specimens.  In a movie full of sound plans, this is by far the best.

Okay, get ready for another Amazing Scene.  The remaining protagonists (for those keeping score, we're down to Books, Tina, Sticks and Sergeant Hooker) burst back onto the main bridge to find only Zarina.  The Leprechaun appears behind them and takes Hooker as a hostage.  This SHOULD have been the end of the scene, but it gets so much better.  Zarina unsnaps her bra and shows her funbags to the protagonists, then goes off on a long-winded soliloquy where she instructs them to "look upon these and despair."  At least that's kind of what I remember - there were boobies on my television screen.  After popping her top back together, she departs with the Leprechaun and the now captive Hooker, and we get perhaps the best movie line of all time, delivered by Tina: "Don't get too excited, boys.  On Dominia, a woman of royalty showing you her breasts is a death sentence."  Ladies and gentlemen, we have the best excuse for gratuitous nudity in motion picture history.

"Look at these.  You're DEAD!!"

The Sergeant Hooker death scene follows which, while not quite an Amazing Scene, is still pretty out there.  Dig this - the Leprechaun convinces Hooker that he is a drag queen and uses his magical powers of coercion to puppeteer him into duking it out with the rest of the crew before eventually getting his head cracked open.  And he's a CYBORG.  Aliens ripoff alert.  Thus concludes the screenwriter crack alert portion of Leprechaun 4: In Space.

Okay, where are we at now...so the Leprechaun and Zarina head to the cargo bay in search of his stolen gold (yep, this movie does feature the tried-and-true "looking for ME GOLD" story, albeit much less emphatically than the previous flicks).  While en route, our terrible twosome (dodges tomatoes) activate the ship's self-destruct mechanism and get into their first lover's quarrel, which prompts the Leprechaun to psychically convince Zarina that she has a huge collection of warts on her face before knocking her out with his trademark shelale.  Soon after, he finds his gold, but it has been shrunk by one of Dr. Mittenhand's inventions. 

Speaking of Dr. Mittenhand...he has managed to sneak back into the movie.  Actually, sneak may be the wrong word, since the injections suffered at the hand of the Leprechaun have turned him into a bizarre man-spider-scorpion-slime-gloppola monster contraption.  It's yet another one of those things that has to be seen to be believed in the Leprechaun series, but there it is - a man-spider-scorpion-slime-gloppola monster on my television.  And it just makes me that much happier.  What this means from here on out - we now have villain #3 in the form of this guy wandering around the bridge looking to exact revenge on his former subordinates.  All while screaming in the most slimy manner imaginable.

Well, we're now firmly stuck in "Movie Self-Destruct Mode" by this point.  You know what I mean.  Lots of flashing red lights and computer voices from this point out.  Unfortunately for yours truly, there's yet more fascination to recap.  Sticks makes his way to the escape shuttle (I think) and gets trapped by Mittenspider's webbing.  Meanwhile, back in the cargo bay, Books and Tina run into the Leprechaun, where Tina blows the Leprechaun up to several times his own size with Mittenhand's enlargement ray.  I'll say this...it's moderately amusing to see Warwick Davis stomp around on a set in forced perspective.

The Giant Leprechaun (just typing that makes me happy) begins stalking our heroes, who decide to split up (geez, what's with these people and splitting up?).  Books remains behind to duke it out with his giant foe while Tina heads through the air ducts to attempt to halt the auto-destruct.  While crawling through the ducks, a hilarious moment is presented as Mittenspider attacks and rips off her pants in a smooth, easy motion.  Seriously, you wouldn't think the guy was AIMING for seeing the woman's panties up close and personal...but there's his hand, acting as an extremely efficient hook.  The bonus?  The admittedly hot Jessica Collins running around in her underwear for the remainder of the movie.  Shits and giggles all around, I must say.

Alright, kids, we're almost there...THE GRAND FINALE.  A stunningly non-scary game of cat-and-mouse ensues between Books and Giant Leprechaun, wherein Books finds the now-hot-again Zarina and, for mysterious reason, carries her away to relative safety.  I've got to say, this doesn't make much sense, and really isn't satisfying.  This woman spent much of the movie being an unlikable bitch, assisted the main villain in killing some of the heroes...and now here's our chunkheaded main dude lifting her to salvation.  As bad as the movie is...this might have left a worse taste in my mouth than anything else.  And that's saying something.

Tina - who, if you need to be reminded, is running around in tiny panties - makes her way into the escape shuttle, finding Sticks in his webified state...and one pissed off spider/former boss behind her.  A brief struggle ensues, and Tina wins out, freezing Mittenspider with liquid nitrogen before giving him the Terminator 2 treatment, shattering him into a million pieces with a gunshot. 

And...that's pretty much it.  Books makes his way to the bridge, Tina manages to figure out the disarm password to halt the self-destruct, the Leprechaun is shot out of the ship's airlock and explodes, Books and Tina kiss and confirm their mutual attraction, and we get our semi-humorous ending, as the Giant Leprechaun Hand gives the camera the middle finger.  Very apt, considering the 93 minutes that preceded this.  Although I've got to say...I'm surprised that Miguel A. Nunez managed to survive this movie.  Demon rises!

FINAL ANALYSIS: If you're not expecting much, you won't be disappointed.  I wasn't expecting much from Leprechaun 4: In Space.  According to some folks on the good ol' interwebz, this is the worst movie in the entire series.  I wouldn't quite go THAT far - it's hard for me to imagine something worse than the incredibly mean-spirited second film.  Having said all that...yeah, this flick is pretty bad.  The characters are terrible and not very likable, the scares are nonexistant, and the acting...yeesh.  ESPECIALLY the guy who plays Books.  He's K-Stew levels of bad.  Having said that, the AFOREMENTIONED Amazing Scenes, somewhat different storyline and plethora of hot chicks that this movie parades out are all entertaining in their very different ways.  Not enough to recommend this flick on any level, but hey, it's better than, say, The Devil Inside.  * 1/2 out of ****.

Don't call this Leprechaun "Lucky" - Warwick Davis hits Sin City in "Leprechaun 3"!!

Careful, there just might be a halfway-decent movie lurking within the confines of Leprechaun 3. 

A bit of background - the unfathomably bad second movie in the franchise was far less successful than the first, having barely made its budget back at the box office and being panned by all but the bravest/most idiotic of horror fans.  With the law of diminishing returns firmly kicking in, Trimark Pictures decided to cut their losses and we got this - the first in a LONG line of direct-to-video Leprechaun films.  Having just taken the movie in, I've got to say that they could have done much worse for their first foray into the world of extremely low-expectation film-making.

This is where the series loses any semblance of attempting to be serious (not to say that the previous movies were Audition or anything) and just goes all-out goofball.  This results in a bit more intentional humor than we're used to...and, surprise, this new tone actually worked a little bit with yours truly.  Having said that, yeah, the movie is still pretty bad.  BUT, it's not bad in the "I've lost the will to live" and very mean-spirited way that Leprechaun 2 was.  Nope, we've firmly entered "so bad it's good" territory with this film, and if you're ever all alone on a Saturday afternoon with absolutely no friends and no life to speak of (draw your own conclusion about the conditions under which I watched this movie), you could do worse than Leprechaun 3.  Once again starring Warwick Davis, and once again starring Warwick Davis giving the movie about fifty times as much effort as the script deserves.

THE MOVIE!!

When one of the first two characters you see in a crappy direct-to-video movie is a dude with one leg and a Roy Munson-esque hook hand, you know you're in for a good time.  Alas, that's what we get in Leprechaun 3, as a very scared bum wanders into a pawn shop wanting to sell his antique Leprechaun statue.  Which, of course, looks curiously like Warwick Davis in Leprechaun form.  After accepting twenty dollars for the item, the unlucky vagrant informs the pawn shop merchant - a super-stereotypical Indian guy named Gupta (Marcelo Tubert) - to never, ever touch the very large medallion around the statue's neck.  Three guesses as to what Captain Genius does immediately after coming by this knowledge.

Yup, Gupta removes the medallion, prompting the little guy to spring to life for another round of fun.  As a parting gift for his liberator, the Leprechaun also bites part of Gupta's ear off as well as the better part of his big toe.  Seems like a fair trade-off for me.  At any rate, in the process of taking his gold away from the premises, the Leprechaun drops one of the 100 gold shillings in the pawn shop which Gupta promptly snatches, thus setting the epic plot of Leprechaun 3 in motion.

Since pretty much every movie in this franchise needs to include young idiots and their foibles for some reason, meet Scott McCoy (John Gatins, whose acting career is so illustrious that the Wikipedia page for this movie doesn't even have a hyperlink for his name - telling, that), college student traveling through Sin city.  He happens upon Tammy (Lee Armstrong), a hot young thing who works as a magician's assistant in the Lucky Shamrock casino.  She's having some car trouble, and needs our hero to drive her to work.  Thus begins our Harold and Maude-style love story.

Upon reaching the casino, Scott has Tammy sneak him inside so he can look around (he's under 21, ya see) while Tammy gets accosted by her magician boss.  And this guy...his name is Fazio the Great, and he's the highlight of your movie.  John DeMitta is charged with the actual act of playing Fazio, and suffice to say, every time this guy on screen Leprechaun 3 gets a little better.  Whether or not the guy was in any other movies, I couldn't tell you, but I completely bought him as an egomaniacal over-the-top magician.  That and it's nice looking at Tammy in her swimsuit/corset stage outfit that she wears throughout the duration of the film.  For what it's worth, while her acting is ridiculously bad, Lee Armstrong is all kinds of hot.  According to her official Wikipedia biography, she once served as an intern on the Howard Stern show.  I wouldn't mind seeing her on the sybian.

Meanwhile, we get our resolution to the fascinating pawn shop story, as Gupta attempts to exchange the medallion in exchange for half of the Leprechaun's gold.  This move doesn't prove fruitful, as it results in him getting the holy hell beaten out of him via the Leprechaun's Fit Finlay-style shelale.  Just after the coup de grace strike, Scott shows up to sell his watch for some much-needed cash (having just lost his entire college tuition at the Roulette table) and discovers Gupta's lifeless body.  This provides us with some unintentional hilarity, as Scott - in the most deadpan voice of all time - picks up a phone and informs the police that, yes indeed, there is a dead person in this pawn shop.  Seriously, you've heard Randy Orton speak with less excitement.  After finding the Leprechaun's shilling, the folklore universe of these films states that he is entitled to one wish, which he uses to wish for a winning streak.

And...it works.  In short order, Scott is back at the table, winning back everything he just lost, the Leprechaun now hot on his trail.  It's also worth noting that Loretta, the casino's roulette dealer, is played by Caroline Williams, the one cast member whom I recognized from something else - she plays Stretch, the insanely hot disc jockey heroine in Texas Chain Saw Massacre II.  I knew that if I stuck around this series long enough, it would reward me with the chick who ran around screaming w hile looking great in tiny shorts in the only REAL sequel to TCM.  Maybe this was a dream.  And maybe I'm just stupid.

A quick aside about the Leprechaun series - all of the films have Warwick Davis spouting off these "humorous" rhyming limericks at varying intervals, but I've got to give it to screenwriter David DuBos for this go-round, because they're actually somewhat amusing in this film.  Example: "Lovely golden palaces, completely full of riches, I'll rip 'em off and rob 'em blind, those dirty sons of bitches!" 

And yeah, this movie has a scene where the Leprechaun interacts with an Elvis impersonator.  I would recap this, but it's just too wonderful.  See it for yourself.

As one would expect, Scott's little lucky streak doesn't fly too well with Mitch (Michael Callan), the owner of the Lucky Shamrock, who has Fazio sneak into Scott's freshly-comped hotel room to steal back the fortune he just won.  After Fazio absconds with the gold shilling (and directly after throwing a smoke bomb in the most hilarious, overly theatrical manner imaginable), the Leprechaun shows up looking for ME GOLD.  I know that I've said this in every review thus far, but Davis really does own this role; he seems to be having more fun than a human being should be allowed to have.  Fifteen Fonzie cool points for him.  The epic conclusion to this scene?  He doesn't find the gold and heads back to the casino for more mayhem.

So Fazio gives the shilling to Mitch, who wishes in a roundabout way that Tammy was in love with him.  While the movie had been much better than expected thus far, this is where we get one of the most truly moronic sequences I've seen in any film, as both Armstrong and Callan engage in some of the most insipid acting this side of Nicholas Cage while engaging in the opening throes of rough sex.  Folks, I wish I was making that up.  Loretta (who would be Caroline Williams, in case you had forgotten), having witnessed the magic of the shilling firsthand, makes her way up to Mitch's room and steals the shilling.  She soon wishes this spell off, leaving the blue balls-infused Mitch all alone by himself. 

We FINALLY get our second death scene, as Mitch bites it in a wildly amusing sequence involving a naked, big-breasted chick (although sadly it's not Lee Armstrong - despite her woeful acting, she is quite nice to look at) and the Leprechaun imitating both a preacher and a psychic from Mitch's TV...and electrocution.  It's a lot more fun than it sounds, believe me.  Downstairs, Tammy runs into Scott, and the two of them decide to head back up to Mitch's pad to give them a piece of their mind only to find the Leprechaun screaming for ME GOLD.  If it's not apparent, that's a pretty common phrase in these films.  Well, our lovebirds escape, although we do get a couple more deaths here in the form of two complete nonentity casino workers who wander in after hearing the screams.

We get a couple more poetic justice deaths here in short order, as Loretta wishes for her 20-year-old body back and Fazio wishes to be "the greatest magician...IN THE WORLD!"  And yeah, he does deliver that line with his trademark awesome overacting.  After first getting some spanktastic scenes involving Caroline Williams flaunting her body, the Leprechaun appears and causes her lips, boobs, and ass to expand to Brobdingnagian proportions and eventually explode. 

Did I mention that this movie has also been pulling the Shaggy Dog storyline?  Well, it has - in his first encounter with the Leprechaun, Scott was bitten on the arm.  Amazingly enough, this series throws yet another weird rule our way, as apparently Leprechauns have vampire-like powers, as Scott begins TURNING INTO A LEPRECHAUN.  It's kind of a slow-burning process - at first, he imagines himself with a Leprechaun face in the mirror.  Then he develops a taste for potatoes.  And eventually, he begins TALKING WITH A GODDAMN THICK IRISH BROGUE AND SCREAMING ABOUT GOLD COINS AND SHILLINGS and eventually entering full-on ZOMBIE PLAGUE MODE, wherein he is confined to a hospital bed in a very deathly state with tons of gloppy makeup applied to his face. 

Far too much capitalization in the past paragraph, I know, but this stuff really has to be seen to be believed.  If it's more story development you want, our heroes have made their way back to the pawn shop - curiously lacking in any and all police involvement since a fatality call was placed from this location earlier in the film, but what do I know - and discover that the way to destroy a leprechaun is by destroying its gold.  So there's your copout ending spoiler.

As Scott's condition worsens, Tammy takes him to the local hospital.  The Leprechaun soon uses his ever-impressive teleportation abilities to follow suit, killing one of the morticians and capturing Tammy.  Before he can do terrible, terrible things to her amazingly hot body, Scott - now a full-on overgrown leprechaun - shows up and does battle with his newfound magical powers.  The Leprechaun escapes after Scott/Chaun divulges that Fazio has the missing shilling.

This prompts the movie's money death, as Fazio's world-famous saw trick goes horribly wrong.  Another lesson learned from the Leprechaun film series, and it's a valuable one - kids, don't wish to be the best.  Ever.  At anything.  It can only end in Rod Serling-style ironic punishments and/or dismemberment.

Time to jump forward to the end.  Scott and Tammy arrive at Fazio's now-panic-induced magic show, where Scott continues his magic battle with the Leprechaun before being entranced by the pot of gold left on the stage floor.  There's some sort of mystical moral dilemma that goes on here within Scott's inner soul, or something, as he ponders saving the gold versus saving his hot piece of ass girlfriend.  In the end, good wins out, as he burns the pot of gold with a nearby flamethrower (don't ask), burning the Leprechaun to a crisp and resulting in Scott turning back into his normal human being form.

And you know what happens from here.  Scott and Tammy share a passionate kiss, head out of the casino, and happy times for all.  Although I'm not quite clear if Scott still retained all of his gambling winnings, so he may or may not be dead broke.  Still, having Lee Armstrong on your arm kinda makes up for that.

FINAL ANALYSIS: I wasn't looking forward to watching this movie.  Leprechaun 2 was one of the worst movies I had ever seen, no exaggeration, and knowing the direction that most franchises take after hitting direct-to-video hell, this one had all the makings of being yet more cinematic torture.  Lo and behold...it was actually pretty watchable.  Maybe not in the way that I'll ever, EVER want to watch it again, but I was ale to make it through Leprechaun 3 without wanting to punch the TV.  Having said that, the acting is quite terrible, as John Gatins and Lee Armstrong's combined charisma is roughly equal to Kelly Kelly territory.  But the story is rather imaginative, and the humor of the Leprechaun's various rhyming taunts - and Davis' delivery of them - made for some occasional entertainment.  Lastly, the Vegas setting really works for the movie, giving a story about searching for lost pots of gold some much-needed fun atmosphere.  Not exactly a rave review, but hey, at least I don't want to kill myself.  ** 1/2 out of ****.