Tremors 5: Bloodlines (2015)

2015
Directed by Don Michael Paul
Starring Michael Gross, Jamie Kennedy and Pearl Thusi

The people behind this franchise have always had a knack for upping the ante and trying new things.  Whether it's a prequel, a new creature, or a TV series with a whole slew of non-Graboid-related mayhem, Stampede Entertainment did a hell of a job taking its simple concept of "quirky characters meet even quirkier monsters" and milking it for all it was worth.  Now, we're in 2015.  As far as I know, Stampede had nothing to do with this particular feature film, choosing to bring Michael Gross back as Burt Gummer but none of the previous cast members, and filming live on location in South Africa.  Sounds like a decent enough concept, but with no Brent Maddock, S.S. Wilson and Nancy Roberts involved?  It just didn't seem right.  At any rate, this movie is still pretty fun, so let's just get right to it.

The movie opens up with an introduction for a reality show starring Burt Gummer - "The Survivalist," which serves to both remind us of who this guy is at the same time that it educates new viewers as   Michael Gross might be 68 years old, but he has lost absolutely none of his charm or his ability to make this character likable and badass.  Within short order, he is interrupted by filmmaker Travis Welker (a.k.a. Jamie Kennedy on a motor bike), who relieves Burt's cameraman of his duties before announcing that he wants to expand Burt's brand.  Within even MORE short order, a representative of the South African wildlife organiation (or something - it's not important) arrives with an assignment.  Ass Blasters (and yes, that's what they're still called) are on the loose on the dark continent, and Burt is on the way along with Travis, who wants to film the proceedings and make Burt a household name once again.

There's your setup, and it's time to meet the secondary characters, beginning with two paleontologists (one of which played by the impossibly hot Natalie Becker) who summarily get slurped by a Graboid.  Of these, the two most important are Erick Van Wyk (Daniel Janks), the guy who did the aforementioned hiring, and Dr. Nandi Montabu (Pearl Thusi), the woman in charge of the village conveniently located near creature central and even more conveniently a master bow and arrow marksmen.  This coincides with the South African government confiscating Burt's expected cache of huge guns that he brings with him, meaning that our heroes are behind the 8 ball from the beginning.

Overall, this movie is MUCH less humor-driven than previous entries in the series, no doubt an effect of not having the usual Stampede suspects in charge of the script and creative direction.  Instead, it's much more about rampaging monster action and gunplay.  On that level, however, it is pretty fun.  The last time we saw Graboids, Shriekers and Ass Blasters (seriously, that name) given the heavy CGI treatment, it was pretty rough.  Fortunately, there have been some big advancements in the field in the last 12 years or so.  Thus, we get some pretty cool-looking monsters on a low budget.  The script again doesn't disappoint when it comes to bringing new wrinkles, either, as the Graboids have now gone mobile (their tentacles detach - spoiler alert) and we get something of a human villain in the form of Erick Van Wyk (he's actually a poacher who wants the Graboid eggs for himself - more spoiler alert).  All throughout, we get some pretty effective action sequences, with Burt and Travis shooting down the new monsters in the South African wilderness while Nandi fights off an AB invasion in the village. 

It's very strange.  Ever since Tremors 2, I have had the exact same experience with each movie.  I start off not liking a particular character, but by the end of the film, I'm somehow on their side.  It's a hallmark of old school creature features that put a focus on writing...and it happens ONCE AGAIN with this movie.  The subject in question: One Mr. Jamie Kennedy.

This dude is one of the strange cases in my long movie fandom.  I absolutely loved his character in the first Scream movie, thought he was pretty cool in Malibu's Most Wanted, and then outright hated him on Ghost Whisperer.  I didn't even know this movie existed until I subscribed to Netflix, and when I saw him on the marquee along with Michael Gross (and folks, it isn't a Tremors movie without Michael Gross), my heart kind of sank.  Or maybe I was just still mad at him for dating Jennifer Love Hewitt in real life.  Again...take my word for it, he grows on you as the movie goes on, and by the time this movie throws its BIG curveball at you with this character, you'll accept it readily.  Complete with what's admittedly a pretty damn cool ending showdown and mid-credits sequence featuring the character.

So...this is it.  This is it for the Tremors attack-a-thon, as the franchise has come straight up to the present day.  I must say, I was expecting something pretty bad, and instead was actually given something pretty slick and polished.  Odds are, if you're watching this movie, you've probably seen the previous movies.  And if you're watching this, you're not going to see anything that pisses you off.  The writers of this movie seemed to understand that, as continuity and pleasing the audience were always hallmarks of this franchise.  It shows.  It's not a masterpiece or anything, but it's fun.

*** out of ****.  Cool creatures, decent characters, and some good swerves that Vince Russo would be proud of.  Check it out.

Tremors 4: The Legend Begins (2004)

2004
Directed by S.S. Wilson
Starring Michael Gross, Sara Botsford, Brent Roam, Ming Lo, Lydia Look, Sam Ly, August Schellenberg and Billy Drago

Yes, folks.  It's a prequel.  And everybody loves those.

This was the first I'd seen this movie.  Once again, by the time this one came about in January of 2004, I was just burned out on Tremors.  I hadn't watched the series and I wasn't interested in a prequel, particularly after being disappointed by two of the godawful things in the Star Wars franchise.  Then I read the plot description on the burgeoning message board scene and gleamed that it took place in the Old West.  Seriously?  It just seemed like a far cry from the series that I was used to by this point, and kind of desperate attempt to continue making movies.  But then I saw Michael Bay's various remakes and reduxes of popular childhood franchises, and it made me realize that this flick couldn't possibly be worse.  So here we are.  100 minutes later, I can report that it's about as successful as any movie in the series has been up until this point, and up to par with where the series had gone in the early 2000s mini-boom.

Welcome to 1889 and the mining town of Rejection, Nevada.  The prologue gives us the opening attack of the Graboids (we're back to just the giant worms in this film - no Shriekers or Ass-Blasters to be had) in said mine that kills some 17 people in an offscreen rampage for the ages.  This is followed by the prologue of Star Wars-esque panning shot that brings us to the nearby town.  We've got the return of several of the well-known landmarks that we're used to, like Chang's Market, the water tower, etc., complete with a cast of crazies inhabiting them.  The market is run by a family of Chinese immigrants, and we've also got tough-as-nails hotel owner Christine Lord (Sara Bostford), miner/wannabe rancher Juan Pedilla (Brent Roam), handyman-of-sorts Tecopa (August Schellenberg)...you get the gist.  Anyway, the mine has been shut down and everyone is moving away from Rejection, prompting the arrival of one Burt Gummer's great-grandfather Hiram Gummer.

Played by Gross, this character really surprised the hell out of me, in that he's the complete opposite of everything we're used to.  Prissy, cultured, not prepared...he doesn't even use firearms or do any form of menial labor.  He's kind of like how I picture Leonardo DiCaprio in real life.  And, truth be told, folks...I REALLY didn't like this switch at first.  Gross did his best with Hiram, but it just wasn't clicking with me.  Now, the character DOES get more engaging later on, but this dude is going to test your patience early on with him.

The script moves along at a brisk pace here as Hiram demands to be taken up to the mine to see his investment.  Up here, all of the secondary characters that aren't worth mentioning get picked off by the early larvae stage of the giant Graboids, leaving only Hiram and Juan to return to Rejection.  See those last two sentences?  That's like 30 minutes of Tremors 4 condensed.  This is followed up with Hiram hiring a gunfighter played by Billy Drago (a.k.a. Captain Awesome - see his turn in the X-Files episode "Theef" for further proof) to take out the worms.  This is where the movie starts to turn the corner, as Drago is always great.  He's particularly great here as he sells his strengths to the townsfolk before humorously trying to teach Hiram how to shoot before he gets Walter Chang'd and is almost never mentioned again.

Now, I WILL give credit to the fine folks at Stampede Entertainment here in a really important regard - the effects.  Maybe I just missed it, but it didn't seem to be like there was any CGI here.  The Graboids are animated almost exclusively with puppetry and camera tricks, and that's just the way I like it.  I didn't get taken out of the movie here like I did a few times with the last on, and that's a big plus.

Fortunately, there are another couple big things this movie has going for it.  Firstly, the characters are pretty likable.  This was another complaint I had about Tremors 3, and it got rectified here.  All of the townspeople are given nuances that make them pop, and it's a much-appreciated move.  Secondly, the final showdown is some pretty damn cool stuff.  This is where Hiram Gummer has his babyface turn, coming back to Rejection after having a change of heart with a whole slew of guns and ammo that we're used to.  Lots of explosions and fire to be had here as Hiram and the townspeople square off with the big suckers, and it works.  It's even got a Wayne's World-style Mega Happy Ending that didn't feel out of place. 

For many years, this was the final Tremors-related thing released by Stampede.  As a final sendoff, it actually isn't half-bad, giving maybe the final clues as to how these damn monsters spread and re-populate was the final question that a lot of us had about how something that had been on Earth for as long as it has been around could stay hidden for so long.  More than anything, though, while it has its faults, it's still got the moral of this story down to a tee.  The series has always been about how human ingenuity and fortitude can win out over pretty much anything.  Do what you can with what you have, just like Burt Gummer likes to say.  If you like that stuff, odds are you'll like this movie and everything that came before.

*** out of ****.  Admittedly, this movie starts slow, but stick it out.  It has a payoff that works.

Tremors: The Series (2003)

From cult classic to cult phenomenon to TV series.  Seems like the logical progression that a story about giant mutating killer prehistoric life forms should take, doesn't it?  Lo and behold, that's what we got, as Tremors: The Series hit the Sci-Fi (not SyFy) channel in 2003, with Michael Gross returning once again as Burt Gummer and the entire production team responsible for the films.

Fortunately and unfortunately for everyone, I have no nostalgic story to share when it comes to watching the show.  Truth be told, I was kind of burned out on Tremors when this hit the airwaves.  Not enjoying Tremors 3 in the least bit on that first viewing didn't help, either, and I more or less wrote this show off as a cheap cash-in.  Having bought this series for something like the cost of a BK Veggie recently, I think I made a mistake.  The series isn't a masterpiece or anything, but it's definitely got its fair share of fun characters and moments going for it.  Thus, if you watched every movie in the franchise up until this point, this is a logical, funny and occasionally pretty damn entertaining extension with some new Graboid/Shrieker/Ass-Blaster action for everyone to enjoy.  Or maybe not.

Your basic premise: The conclusion of Tremors 3 saw the city of Perfection essentially deemed nonlivable due to the presence of a lone Graboid, dubbed "El Blanco" by the locals.  Led by master of kickass Burt Gummer, the townsfolk decide to stay and coexist with El Blanco, taking pride that their town is known as Graboid Central and facing daily attacks from the Graboid and occasional surprises from Shriekers, Ass Blasters, and a whole assortment of random human villains looking to either exploit the Perfection situation in some way or get Burt and his merry band to pick up their stakes and move away.  Cool idea, but the execution is hit and miss - more hit than miss, mind you.

For starters, the characters in the series are much more likable than they were in the third movie.  As for holdovers, Gross is the only one, but he really is indispensable when it comes to anything connected to this story.  He's lost none of his charm or ability to get you on his side.  We do, however, have a couple of the same characters, albeit played by new actors - Jodi Chang, Walter's niece who runs the general store, and Nancy, the former hippie who sells pottery stuff (and also the mother of Mindy, who also shows up in an episode).  Although we DO get the return of Melvin, now a weasely real estate mogul hoping to turn Perfection into a strip mall, so there is that, in addition to the new character of the red-hot former Vegas showgirl Rosalita, Miguel's niece who has come to take over his farmland.  'Cus when you think smooth transitions, that's a good one to make.  At any rate, Jodi and Rosalita provide lots of good comic relief, with the latter also being a potential love interest for Tyler.  

Wait, Tyler?  The new character that sets the season in motion is Tyler Reed, former NASCAR driver and new owner of Desert Jack's Graboid Tours.  After being saved by Burt in the prologue of the first episode, he becomes Burt's partner of sorts, traveling all around Perfection Valley as they exterminate the worm- and non-worm connected creatures that pop up in the area.  The pilot episode itself consists of some very good stuff, as Melvin is revealed as the mastermind behind a scheme to get the locals to kill a newly batshit El Blanco and render the valley as his new personal Lex Luthor-esque Austrailia.  In fact, the episodes that focus more on the traditional monsters of the series tend to be the strongest ones, as the one where the Ass Blaster that Nancy sold to a Las Vegas magic duo in the third movie returns in one of them while another one involves Shriekers invading a nearby town festival.  Very good stuff involved here, with plenty of government bureaucrats to be made fun of and lots of monster shredding action.

Unfortunately, it's the episodes that consist of an over-arching plot that aren't as strong.  Christopher Lloyd (yes, that Christopher Lloyd) materializes out of thin air in one episode as kinda mad scientist with a pet monster that needs to be taken out.  Through some miracle, there's a decades-old government research lab buried in the Perfection countryside that invented a compound called Mixmaster with the power to blend the DNA of animals.  I suppose this plot convention existed so that every episode wouldn't be the same, but surely there were other ways to get around this, as instead there's a stretch where we get Burt and Tyler hunting down rhyno creatures, giant brine shrimp...stuff like that.  And while Christopher Lloyd is always game for any role he's in, I just think that this plot convention was just a little too convenient for convenient sake.  Cliche statement time: call it glandular.

For mysterious reasons, this series only lasted half a season despite some pretty strong ratings on the Sci-Fi Channel.  Anybody out there have an inkling as to the exact reason why this was?  Wikipedia is pretty vague on it - something about how the demographics weren't quite up to snuff with Farscape.  But man, ratings are ratings.  Or was the show just too expensive?  While the CGI is about as laughable as it was in the third movie, it WAS CGI, combined with the usual puppetry that the [i]Tremors[/i] flicks were known for.  Who knows.  Provided that they wrapped up the Mixmaster storyline, I would've been more than game for this series continuing.  It's got all of that same tongue-in-cheek charm and monster movie convention that we've come to know and love.  In addition, the new characters of Tyler and Rosalita are very likable, and Jodi and Nancy get much better showings than they did in Tremors 3.  And if you like Christopher Lloyd, he gets yet another chance to play a trademark nutbag.

*** out of ****.  I'd say that the quality-to-crap episode ratio is somewhere around 2-1, and that's pretty decent for a Sci-Fi/SyFy series.  Pick this one up for five bucks if you're even a casual fan of Tremors, it's worth it.

Tremors 3: Back to Perfection (2001)

2001
Directed by Brent Maddock
Starring Michael Gross, Shawn Christian, Susan Chuang and Ariana Richards

My personal history with this flick is a bit of an interesting mixed bag.  I remember not liking it AT ALL back when I first caught it in 2001, and I spent more than a decade pretty much not acknowledging its existence.  There were a couple different factors that fed into my distate for it back then: (1) They seemed to be basing the entire script around whatever actors from the first film they could persuade to return, and (2) the Graboid and creature effects were nowhere near as good as what I was used to.  Fortunately, I now become enraged to Incredible Hulk proportions whenever somebody gives me the "this movie sucks because it has crappy special effects" speech these days, so after giving it another try on AMC FearFest and re-watching it again on DVD, I can report that this movie is alright for what it is.

Ringing endorsement, I know.

Anyway, we've got a lot of the same actors from the first film for this one, and pretty much the EXACT same production and creative teams still in place.  This time, it's Brent Maddock who gets the directing duties as we reach the digital age fully, and Michael Gross as your full-fledged star character Burt Gummer.  By this point, the powers-that-be knew that this guy was the bread and butter character for the franchise, and this was a wise move - he's still just as awesome as he was before, particularly in the flick's opening sequence where he gets to mow down a large herd of Shriekers in the Argentinian countryside.  And no, folks, I'm not going to explain the various factions of creatures contained in the Tremors universe this time.  Look up my previous reviews or read them when they're posted, people.

From there, it's just like the title says...Back to Perfection, Nevada, and I've got to say that coming back to this setting actually does feel like a little bit of a homecoming.  Years after its release, I actually do find the characters a bit more endearing than I did initially.  There's Jodi Chang (Susan Chuang, and it's a shame she didn't get more roles - she's pretty and pretty great), Walter Chang's niece who now runs his general store.  There's "Desert" Jack Sawyer (Shawn Christian), the character that turned me off this movie in a big way back in 2001, a kind of backwoods cool dude who runs Graboid "attack" tours for the tourists.  Yeah, he is annoying, but take my word for it - he actually does grow on you with repeat viewings.  Then we've got the returning characters - Miguel (Tony Genaro), Nancy (Charlotte Stewart), Mindy (Ariana Richards) and Melvin (Robert Jayne), all of whom have various roles of various importance levels.  Another ringing endorsement, I'm sure.

But you don't come to Tremors for character drama.  No, sir, you come for quirkiness, humor, action, and good, solid creature action, and in that regard, Tremors 3 gives us another decent helping.  Burt has converted his survivalist compound into a Graboid-proof stronghold, and it's a good thing, because lo and behold there are three of the creatures roaming around the Perfection countryside (isn't calling this place "countryside" a little redundant, AMIRITE, people?).  It seems that their egg gestation period is something like 300 years.  Of course, Burt wants to blow all of them out of the water, but some slimy government agents show up to declare the Graboids an endangered species and threatening Burt's greatest eminent domain fear if he does so.  It isn't long before the Graboids morph into Shriekers (well, with the exception of one - more on that later), leaving Burt, Jack, and Jodi primarily as a trio to fend them off once their next evolutionary phase comes into play.

And...yeah.  The first gave us giant Graboids.  The second gave us the biped Shriekers.  And this one...has Ass Blasters.  Not a typo.  This form isn't quite as cool, and I'm not unconvinced that it's largely due to that ridiculous name, but that's pretty much what they are - creatures that fly after launching from their posterior nether-regions.  The dialogue gets plenty of milage out of this, so much so that it actually gets a little annoying, but the action sequences are enough to break it up before it reaches punch in your TV levels.  Listen, people - I really did like this movie.  It's got its irritating passages, but fortunately it has a pretty big ace in its hole.

Time for the "broken record" phase of the Tremors "Attack-a-Thon" reviews - these movies are all about funny, quirky characters, not the monsters.  Thus, while they don't look as cool and while we get goddamn ASS BLASTERS as villains for the final trimester, we've fortunately got Burt Gummer, Desert Jack, and Jodi Chang.  Once again, this group of survivors is interesting enough during the Attack scenes that we've got an emotional investment, and that's the most important thing that any movie can have.  I've said it approximately 7,484 times, so it must be true.  I also hasten to mention that the movie has a pretty impactful character death, a pretty funny sequence in Burt's "safe room," plenty of jokes at the expense of Gummer's insane lifestyle, and a really solid setup for the TV series of the same name that followed involving the aforementioned Graboid that I said I would get to.  Seems like this guy is sterile and Shriekerize, meaning that our heroes have to co-exist with a giant worm under their feet once these end credits roll.  It's a a pretty nifty plot move, I must say.

Summary time.  Tremors 3 isn't as strong as the first two flcks.  That much is a given.  But it's still a joy to return to this world every few years or so, and I'm glad I did return to this movie after many years of not giving it that chance.  It's got a certain charm of its own, a nostalgia for the original film, old characters being used in new ways, and a couple new characters that grow on you like a Fungus.  And while the production values definitely show their reduction, I wouldn't say that it lacks in action or excitement in the least bit.

*** out of ****.  Give this a shot, people, because it's got its own things going for it.  Another 100 minutes of Burt Gummer doesn't hurt, either.

Tremors 2: Aftershocks (1996)

1996
Directed by S.S. Wilson
Starring Fred Ward, Christopher Gartin, Helen Shaver and Michael Gross

Time for Round 2 of the All-Out Tremors Attack-a-Thon, and this direct-to-video sequel to end all direct-to-video sequels is a doozy.

Now, if you'll recall in my review of the original Tremors, I was 12 years old and blown away when I saw that movie.  And it's still one of my ten favorite movies ever.  Imagine my surprise when, a mere few months after catching the original flick, I hear word about an honest-to-goodness sequel hitting the shelves, with almost all of the same production team and two of the same main stars.  Count me in, then and now, because this movie is still a damn fun time.  It brings back characters from the original at the same time it brings back the main villains (more or less - more on that later), maintains the same ambiance throughout and even has a similar aesthetic.  Much kudos to the production team behind this, led by S.S. Wilson, Brent Maddock and Nancy Roberts - the same trio responsible for every movie in the series.  They did a fantastic job on this labor of love, and it shows.

This movie picks up a few years after the first, as the worms have been discovered near a Mexican oil refinery.  While the first movie focused more on Kevin Bacon's Valentine character, your star this time around is Earl.  Still played by Fred Ward, still just as gruff and badass as ever.  Of course, being someone who has survived a previously undiscovered GIANT WORM ATTACK led to some opportunities for old Earl that he summarily squandered on an ostrich farm.  But all isn't lost, as the owners of a Mexican oil field along with his #1 fan Grady (Christopher Gartin) arrive to offer him quite the deal: $50,000 for each animal that he can kill.  Only, in this movie and in all subsequent ones they call the worms "Graboids," since that's what a quirky side character in the original named them.  1950s-style creature names FTW.

Anyways, that's your setup, as Earl and Grady head to Mexico to begin Graboid hunting.  Once again, the movie has a real strength when it comes to its characters.  Grady starts off a little grating but take my word for it, the dude reallly grows on you as the movie goes on.  He's got this endearing idiocy about him, and I remember thinking back in 1996 that Christopher Gartin was going to be a big deal.  Yeah, that didn't quite turn out to be the case.  The opening chapters show us that all the tropes that the series invented in the first go-round, with the seismology monitors that they use to track the worms and their inability to climb onto rocks, are still alive and in effect.  That, and it just looks really fun to use remote control cars to blow the suckers up.  And before long, Burt Gummer shows up to assist these two jokers in their quest for money/human safety.  And yes, Michael Gross is again aces as this paranoid gun nut.


I've got to give the powers-that-be responsible for this series credit, because this is definitely not a rehash of the original movie.  It might start out that way, but a good deal of the second act of this film gives us an evolution.  Both in terms of the creatures themselves and the storytelling devices that need to get invented to deal with that.  After the mostly fun and harmless first act, the worms enter their second life cycle that had conveniently been left out of the first movie, turning from giant no-legged creatures into vicious bipeds that hunt by body heat.  We get some secondary character deaths here from some of the refinery workers who might as well have been labeled "cannon fodder" when they were initially introduced.  By my count, its one of the movie's few weaknesses.

Make no mistake, though, once the Shriekers (the name given to the new small animals, given that they shriek like the Shrieking Sheik when they spot body heat) hit the scene, the movie cranks it up to 11.  Just like the original, the characters, which also include a comely scientist played by Helen Shaver (seriously, what's up with female scientists being so damn attractive in these movies?) find themselves barricaded on the rooftops with the creatures down below.  The final showdown is a slight disappointment compared to Kevin Bacon yelling "can you fly, sucker?" in the original, but it's a minor complaint considering we get one damn big explosion.

I also need to point out that this flick definitely doesn't LOOK direct-to-video.  This is thanks to the special effects work of Phil Tippett, one of the guys who made the dinosaurs of Jurassic Park come to life.  Dealing with only $4 million to work with, I've got to hand this guy a thousand Fonzie cool points for the job he did, because both the Graboids and the Shriekers look great, including the scenes where they move - typically where low-budget tends to struggle.  Thus, if the direct-to-video label typically scares you off for the cheapness factor, that's no reason to avoid this one.

But it's the first movie's strengths that largely define this one as well - humor and characters.  I'll admit that I was a little worried when I saw the above poster back then, as I had my doubts that Fred Ward could carry a movie as Earl Bassett.  Those fears were quickly assuaged, because the increased focus gave Ward the opportunity to showcase what he could do as an actor and a tough guy.  His chemistry with both Michael Gross and the new guy gives the movie much more emotional investment than, say, Avatar in its finale sequences for that reason. 

There really isn't a whole lot more to say about Tremors 2.  If you liked the first movie, and just about everyone who has seen it does, odds are you'll like this one almost as much. It's well worth a check-out.

*** 1/2 out of ****.  This is arguably the best direct-to-video film I've ever seen.  Take that out of the equation, and this is still just a damn entertaining, fun time in front of the TV.  Highly recommended.

Tremors (1990)

1990
Directed by Ron Underwood
Starring Kevin Bacon, Fred Ward, Finn Carter, Michael Gross and Reba McEntire

"What kind of fuse is that?"
"Cannon fuse."
"What the hell do you use it for?"
"My cannon."

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman...nope, that's not it.  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the next wave of Lick Ness Monster reviews: the all-out Tremors Attack-a-Thon.  That's the name, and I'm sticking to it (/Colin Quinn).

First things first: I'm a huge fan of the Tremors franchise, and have been ever since that one Saturday afternoon I spent as a 12-year-old watching the flick in question today as a rental from the Greatest Video Store Ever.  No point in keeping this cat in the bag, either - this movie right here is one of my Top 10 favorites of any genre.  Great action, great tension, great effects, great characters, any way you slice it, the flick is just awesome.  And then there's this irresistible sense of humor and a plot that pays tribute to classic '50s monster movies without ever turning snarky about it.  A rare feat in and of itself when it comes to films that spent the vast majority of their time paying homage.  Nonetheless, audiences at large also really liked this  movie, since it made its budget back some four times over and still pops up on cable every so often.
 
Explaining the appeal of Tremors, and this original movie in particular, is really one of those difficult things.  I mean, we're dealing with a movie about giant killer worms terrorizing a small community of people who live, almost literally, in the middle of nowhere.  Brent Maddock and S.S. Wilson, the founders of the Stampede Entertainment production company who helmed every movie in the series, had an original idea to make a badass throwback to old-school monster flicks, something that the general public at large couldn't possibly have cared less about.  And yet people love it, and not just horror fans either.  I've met plenty of ordinary people who also love this flick.  Folks, Roger Ebert's adage that it's not WHAT a movie is about but rather HOW it's about it is proving more true as the years go by, because the execution of the movie is forward momentum, quirky characters, and 100% fun all the way through.  With that, let's get to it.

Valentine McKee (Kevin Bacon) and Earl Bassett (Fred Ward) are a couple of down-on-their-luck handymen who ply their trade around the "town" (quotation marked because population 18) of Perfection, Nevada, an old mining settlement that now sits comfortably in the middle of the Nevada desert with no towns for miles.  It goes without saying that a place like this attracts some interesting cats, and the movie delivers us no shortage of those.  There's Walter Chang (Victor Wong), friendly local general store proprietor who loves this opportunity to monopolize the nonexistant competition.  There's Melvin Plug (Bobby Jacoby), abrasive teenage kid who spends his days annoying our intrepid heroes.  There's Burt Gummer (Michael Gross) and his wife Heather (Reba McEntire), paranoid survivalists who live in a fallout shelter and have a downright obscene collection of firearms and weapons that come in handy later on.  And then there's Rhonda LaBeck (Finn Carter), young geologist sent to study the strange collection of underground vibrations rumbling near Perfection as of late.

The early goings of the flick show us the daily grind that Val and Earl go through, and it does wonders for establishing some investment as the flick goes on.  They're sick of their jobs and sick of Perfection, deciding to pack up shop after (literally) cleaning up shit and heading for a nearby town to live out their hopes and dreams somewhere else.  But cruel fate deals a stunning blow, as a pair of dead bodies they discover (one on top of a telephone pole, dead from starvation, the other a farmer who appears to be decapitated) keep them in town a few days longer. 

The reveal of the giant worm villains was one of the more skillful things that I've seen a horror movie do.  The poster art and the execution here decided to go the Jaws route and build up the concept of the worms in your mind.  We even get a pretty good fakeout as Val and Earl's truck brings home a four-foot orange worm in a tire.  Suffice to say, yeah, these things aren't four feet long.  It's when the handymen head out on horseback to get help from the nearby town of Bixby that the movie really kicks into high gear, as the killers are revealed to be 30-foot worms who shoot tentacles out of their mouths and hunt via sound vibrations.  Val and Earl meet back up with Rhonda, and we get the early goings of romantic tension between her and Val as they use some clever ruses to make their way back to Perfection.

And that's when shit really starts to go down.

I remember thinking as a kid that the final hour or so of Tremors was the most well-sustained sequence of tension I'd seen since Aliens, and that statement still kind of rings true today.  Eventually, all of our townspeople are trapped up on the rooftops away from the creatures, and the writers manage to get all kinds of cool situations of out this.  Particularly when Burt shows up with his massive collection of weapons.  I think it goes without saying that Gummer was the most popular character in this movie - after all, they decided to bring him back for all of the sequels and it's easy to see why.  Gross was just boss in this role, creating the rare badass who doesn't rely on brute strength but rather all-powerful paranoia and even more powerful guns.  He's coolness personified.  But hell, everything in this movie is cool.  You've got fantastic hand-made creature effects (the worms look amazing, both static and moving), shocking deaths, a hot quirky heroine in Rhonda LaBeck (and Finn Carter's underwear scene was one of the things that introduced me to puberty), and infinitely relatable heroes in Val and Earl.

The final showdown is also pretty damn terrific, striking just the right balance between the cleverness of the human heroes and the relentless pursuit of the worms.  Take my word for it, it's awesome stuff.

What?  It's judgment time?  Tremors is just one of the most fun movies of all time, bar none.  It's all about entertainment.  There's no social message, no diving into characters' hidden emotional facilities, no extraneous bullshit to get in the way of its intended goal to have you glued to your television screen.  And that's just the way I like it.  It's a flick that deserves every bit of its cult following and the franchise status that followed, and I can't recommend it enough.  So ends one of the most gushy reviews I've done in a long time.

**** out of ****.  It's right up there with Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker at Bad Blood '97, King!

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

1995
Directed by Joe Chappelle
Starring Donald Pleasence, Paul Rudd, Marianne Hagan and Mitch Ryan

Yeah, yeah, I know.  It's November.  Halloween is over, but I refuse to let it die, dammit!  Every October, I typically throw out another review in the Halloween franchise, but that formula is going to have to take a back seat this time around for two very important reasons: (1) I saw this film approximately 17 times this Halloween season, and thus, I wanted to get this done while it's still more fresh in my head than I would ever, ever wish, and (2) I was busy last weekend and didn't watch anything on Netflix.  Laziness rules!

Which brings me to Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers.  This really is a STRANGE movie, and unless you've seen it, no collection of words on a web page can convey its sheer level of weirdness.  There were several contributing factors to this, not the least of which was the amount of time that transpired between this and its immediate sequel.  Six years is a f**kin' eternity for slasher sequels, let alone ones that try to pick up the plot line as closely as this was one does from the weird Thorn cult/family angle that Revenge of Michael Myers began.  In addition to that, this movie was also a classic case of "too many cooks in the kitchen," with something like four different creative directions all pulling on each other in regards with how to wrap up this whole dog and pony show.  Yes, kids, this was intended to be the final Halloween film at the time of its release...and I've got to say, had they crafted a slam-bang continuation of the ending of Halloween 5, the potential was definitely there for this to be an absolutely killer way to go out. 

But that does bring me to issue #3: it was 1995.  This was an absolute dearth of a time for the horror genre, when it had largely moved on from slasher movies and sequels that dominated the '80s but hadn't quite yet found the sometimes clever, sometimes obnoxious self-aware trend that Scream would usher in.  Thus, the tone is all over the lace here right along with the story.  Looks like we're back to the ultra-long introductions.  Let's get to the show.

First things first: an incredibly shitty recap of Halloween 5.  In that film, Jamie Lloyd - Michael's 10-year-old niece - had her second faceoff with Myers that ended with her foster sister dead along with a whole slew of dislikable asshats.  But along the way, we did get an intriguing wrinkle to the formula in the form of a black-suited man following Michael's mayhem, a curious symbol on his hand and his boots being pretty much all we saw.  After Dr. Loomis beats Michael within an inch of his life in the Myers house and all sorts of hints that Michael was not acting under his own power, we got the shocking climax as the black-suited figure busted Michael out of jail and presumably kidnapped Jamie in the process. 

And that's where we pick up, ladies and gents.  Unfortunately, it also doesn't take long for this movie to take on a decidedly dreary, downright mean-spirited tone, as Jamie Lloyd (unfortunately no longer played by Danielle Harris) is held captive by a Druid-like cult.  She has been impregnated, and the baby is born on Halloween Eve.  All throughout this sequence - and, hell, the entire movie - Michael is seen patrolling the area, almost like some sort of hitman or guard.  This would be something like the third or fourth character-killing moves that got started in the previous installment that could have been easily fixed for this go-round, but I digress.  With the help of a midwife, Jamie breaks out of the stronghold, hiding the baby in a bus station before ultimately being killed by Myers.  A happy story for Jamie Lloyd, all around.

Unfortunately, from this point on, we get to meet our main characters for the remainder of the film.  This would be the descendants of the Strode family who, perfectly enough, live in the recently refurbished Myers family home.  Your star final girl is Kara Strode (Marianne Hagan), and of this family, she is the one who has the ability to make audiences watch what's going on without wanting to chuck stuff at the screen.  And yes, this includes her 6-year-old son, but you already know my biases when it comes to kids in horror movies.  There's also Kara's oblivious mother and her dickwad abusive father, but the less said about these two, the better. 

More importantly, we've also got the return of Tommy Doyle to the story.  Yeah, you remember Tommy Doyle, the kid who was easily spooked by the schoolyard tales of the Boogeyman?  Well, he's back.  And he's played by Paul Rudd.  This was actually Paul's first big-screen movie role, predating Clueless by a few months, and he does alright in the survivalist role that he's given.  See, the kid from that movie grew up obsessed with Michael Myers, and it's this character that REALLY drives everything in the movie forward.  After hearing a phone call that Jamie placed to a radio station, he is able to find her baby at the bus station.  From here, the movie becomes the usual game of cat and mouse, with Myers on the trail of Kara and Tommy to reclaim the baby for the cult in their plan to do...something.

I actually believe that the plot of this movie sounds good on paper.  But the execution...yeesh, it's really rough.  As previously mentioned, the tone is all over the place, with the movie trying to be a family drama one minute with the Strode family.  The next, it's trying to be darker and more gritty than any of the previous movies in the series.  At other times, screenwriter Daniel Farrands is dead-set intent on throwing his own personal touches into the story at the expense of everything else, as Kara's kid occasionally sees hallucinations of a strange figure in his bedroom yelling "KILL FOR HIM" or something else equally as cryptic.  As a result, watching this movie is just an incredibly JARRING experience.  It's throwing brutal murders at us one minute, and the next trying to intrigue us with all of this cult mumbo-jumbo.  And since none of the characters are particularly likable, none of the former will rock your world.  Folks, remember when the original film had, like, three deaths, and each one was spaced out and hard-hitting?  Pepperidge Farm remembers...but yeah, you get nothing like that here.

And now, it's time for the saddest part of this review.  The part that I've left out entirely until now, because, well, the script really doesn't offer much for this guy to do in this movie, yet he's still there.  In his final film performance, Donald Pleasence returns as Dr. Sam Loomis.  Without a doubt, this dude is one of my favorite characters in any horror film, and his presence throughout the entire series up until this point was always a sight to behold even when the movies involved weren't particularly strong.  It was such an interesting change of pace in the horror genre, this resourceful, intelligent doctor chasing after this serial killer like Ahab chasing the great white whale.  In this movie, he's just kind of there.  I mean, don't get me wrong - he's there, but his presence, sadly, was not needed for any other reason than the script seems to say, "well, it's a Halloween movie, we need to throw Loomis in there."  What we get here for such an iconic actor in his final film role and character in his final screen appearance is the dude who stumbles around with Paul Rudd and Marianne Hagan while they do all of the heavy lifting.

And don't even get me started on who the big, bad, Druid cult leader is revealed to be in this movie - a truly character-killing moment that nullifies essentially everything that had already transpired in the series and rendered Michael Myers a pointless be-yotch. 

If you can tell, I'm not a fan of this movie.  I like it even less than the previous installment, which had its moments despite its incredibly glaring flaws.  And it's not like it's a long, slow descent into hell, either.  The wheels fall off the tracks early here and just keep veering further and further into the ditch.  Even the final fight sequences fall incredibly flat, as we are not quite sure as to who we should be booing - Myers or the figures pulling the strings, neither of which make particularly effective villains due to the diffused effect.  It really is a startling change from the first two films, when Michael Myers was the "Shape of Evil" and easily the most completely irredeemable antagonist that horror audiences had ever seen.  A far cry from there to "get her, Michael" that we get here.

* out of ****.  I've seen a lot of "WTF" horror movies in my day, but this ranks right near the top of the list of my "WTF" scale.  And that amounts to a lot of "Whats?"

Friday the 13th Countdown: The New Beginning

So it's come to this.

2015 is a very special year for Jason Voorhees and the Friday the 13th franchise.  For starters, we've had three of the actual days pop up on the calendar - and the upcoming one is always extra special, because a November Friday the 13th means a continuation of the Halloween horror season.  And another excuse for fans and, yes, non-fans to see more of these films on TV.  More importantly, the series turns 35 years old and we've got another movie coming up on the horizon.  Of course, said movie is still owned and operated by Michael Bay, the man who has made seemingly a career goal out of anally raping pretty much the entirety of my childhood.  This guy's grubby mitts have soiled Leatherface, Jason, Freddy, the Ninja Turtles...all that's left is a Michael Bay-produced version of Indiana Jones and we're all set.  But I digress.

Kids, this really is an awesome series, isn't it?  The films are textbook examples of "less is more" played out to perfection, all based around one simple moral: be a good person or else bad things will happen to you.  Add that up with one of the two or three most badass villains of modern cinema and some sympathetic victim characters and you've got the makings for a series that can last for damn near four decades.  But it's the series' quirks that truly make the movies unforgettable, and that's what I've looked at all throughout the year here on the ol' blog.  I've counted down the best expendable victim characters, the hottest camp counselors, the most eye-catching trailers, the most suspenseful locales, the most ass-kicking Final Girls, and the freakiest "Jason without a mask" looks. 

All of that has led us to the following.  I'm ranking the entire series, starting with the worst and finishing with what I consider to be the greatest slasher movie ever made.  While the last part of that sentence is true...don't think of this as any sort of authoritative, nuanced list.  Not that you would, anyway, but I'm not ranking these movies by a strict storytelling method.  If that were the case, the original movie would win this in a landslide.  These are just the movies that I have the most fun with, and that's what the F13 series is all about.

With that, let's count this bitch down.

12.  Jason X (2002)

Friday the 13th movies come in all types of shapes, sizes and themes.  In fact, that's part of what makes them so awesome - their ability to morph and change and still call themselves Friday the 13th.  But this movie...yeah, it's not so good.  It's "Jason in Space," and this reporter's opinion is that it set out to parody itself in the most obnoxious possible way.  And while the kills are pretty memorable and visceral, the characters are all totally wasted.  It's like if they took Michael Myers, sent him to a nuclear wasteland and had him do the hokey-pokey - yeah, this movie is out there. 

11.  Friday the 13th (2009)

The aforementioned Michael Bay remake certainly wasn't the out-and-out disaster that his versions of Leatherface and Freddy Krueger were.  It had some things going for it, including a decent cast, an awesome first act, and Jason's newfound ability to use traps.  But Michael Bay has one all-encompassing power that is a running theme throughout all of his movies: sucking the soul right out of everything, and this one isn't any different.  The characters are entirely forgettable as is the rest of the movie, and the result was a flick that was fun to watch in theaters but one I haven't wanted to revisit since.

10.  Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

For many years, this movie was on the bottom of my list.  Now that I've seen it a few more times on AMC FearFest, I've come to appreciate some of its more underrated charms.  For starters, I really dig the two main characters; the dude's journey to get back with his wife is actually kind of emotional.  I also really like Creighton Duke, with Steven "Mr. X" Williams bringing all of his badass charm to the role of the bounty hunter trying to put Jason Voorhees six feet under for good.  It's just a shame that those strengths are buried behind a wall of body-soul-swapping mayhem, because it has its moments.

9.  Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

What we have right here is one of the most fascinating horror movies of all time.  By this point, it had been three flicks with Jason Voorhees as the main villain.  The previous movie had effectively killed him off, and this was the producers' attempt to give the series a mini-reboot at its halfway point and give us a new killer in the former Jason slayer, Tommy Jarvis.  It was a sound enough idea on paper, but the execution is quite simply amazing.  And I mean that in both the best and worst possible ways.  This is an infamous movie within the Friday fan community, mainly due to its HUGE body count (it's 22) and its repeated "introduce characters and summarily kill them off five minutes later" style.  This flick is loads of fun to watch, but it's desired effect of making the audience want to hate Tommy Jarvis was not achieved.

8.  Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Writer/director Rob Hedden hears your complaints, and he agrees.  For a movie that bills itself as "Jason Takes Manhattan," a movie that decided to take Jason Voorhees out of his very familiar forest location and unleash him on the Big Apple, it sure doesn't spend much time there.  The final thirty minutes or so of the movie, to be precise.  But the movie DID succeed in freshening up the now more-than-familiar Friday formula as the '80s came to a close, giving us some pretty decent kills and scares aboard a cruise ship for the first two acts along with some decent characters and Kelly Hu in one of her early film roles.  And it's got a scene where Jason punches a dude's head off.  That alone accounts for something like 80 Fonzie cool points, but when you throw in the amazing "decapi-camera" that follows the head downward, it's a real winner.

7.  Friday the 13th Part III (1982)

a.k.a. Friday the 13th Part It's Comin' Right at Ya, since this was the one that was originally filmed and released in glorious 3D.  The fact that a goddamn Friday the 13th movie was the highest-grossing of the early '80s 3D revival pictures fills my heart with gladness.  While this movie has its flaws, it is nonetheless a pretty iconic movie within the series' framework, as it gave us the introduction of the familiar hockey mask and a Final Girl sequence that, while it wasn't QUITE as strong as the one that preceded it, ranks respectably as one of the series' best.  It also has Dana Kimmell playing a very interesting mentally unhinged heroine, an interesting counterpart to the trope of the time.  But it just treads too much into dopey territory due to the 3D gimmick far too often for me to rank it higher.  Yo-yos, anyone?

6.  Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

This movie has tons of nostalgic and emotional value for yours truly.  It was the first movie in the series that I saw way back in 1991 thanks to my older brother, and all these years later, I still remember that experience watching it in my parents' basement.  Director John Carl Buechler knew that he had a tall task when initial negotiations to do a movie where Jason took on Freddy Krueger fell through.  What we got was Jason vs. Carrie, but when it comes to that concept, the writers and Buechler really did a smash-up job.  This was Kane Hodder's first of four go-rounds under the hockey mask, and his presence and emotion when portraying a silent film villain was really something to behold.  I also love Jason's LOOK here, as the makeup crew took every bit of battle damage that had been done to him up to this point and made it stand out.

5.  Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

After more than a decade in development hell, horror fans were simply dying to see these two stalwarts of the slasher genre meet up on the big screen.  Director Ronny Yu didn't disappoint, as this was just a damn fun time in theaters - and it even stands up to home viewings pretty damn well, combining the mythologies of the two characters and blending them together seamlessly.  Picky viewers might point out that this is more of a Nightmare on Elm Street movie than an F13 flick, but it should be pointed out that Jason racks up a huge body count in this one and does the dirty work of spreading the word about Freddy Krueger, thus bringing him back to life.  The final showdown itself was also everything that myself and horror fans everywhere had asked for.  The ONLY thing it was missing was Kane Hodder, as everything else was spot-on.

4.  Friday the 13th (1980)

The one that started it all.  At the time that Sean Cunningham took an ad out in Variety promising the most terrifying movie ever made, no one thought that a film shot for half a million dollars and shot at a New Jersey summer camp would do anything but fly in and out of theaters.  Frank Mancuso thought different, releasing this primal, violent horror piece as a big-time summer movie.  And it exploded right out of the gate.  For good reason, because this is still a very effective piece of horror cinema.  Each one of the characters is a recognizable archetype that the teens watching in theaters could readily identify with, one of several things that screnwriter Victor Miller turned on its head as the increasingly violent body count piles up.  By my tally, one of the two or three most influential horror movies ever made.

3.  Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)

After the misfire that was A New Beginning, the powers-that-be behind the franchise knew that they had to bring the big guy back with a vengeance.  Jason Lives did just that and more, as this is just one of the most fun motion pictures of all time.  It starts off with an absolute bang, as Tommy Jarvis (retconned out of going all villainous batshit crazy in the finale of the last one) inadvertently brings the dead body of Jason back to life.  From here ensues one of the earliest meta-humor laden horror movies out there, as writer-director Tom McLoughlin pokes fun at the conventions of the series without ever veering into the snobby or mean-spirited.  All the while, this is also a very cool, effective horror movie with a great many classic scenes, the best of which being Darcy DeMoss and her clueless boyfriend biting it.  Ouch.

2.  Friday the 13th Part II (1981)

The first movie to feature Jason Voorhees is still an absolute classic of '80s horror that has more than stood the test of time.  Kicking off with a creepy opening bit ("The itsy bitsy spider...") and never looking back, everything about this movie fires on all cylinders.  It's darker and more intense than the first movie, creating an even more foreboding sense of total isolation than that one did as this group of counselors seem WAY off the beaten path.  Amy Steele as Ginny Field is simply one of the best Final Girls that the horror genre has ever seen - she's a girl next door, but she's also got an intelligence and inner toughness that makes her very endearing.  As for Jason himself, yeah, he looks a LOT different in this one, but that one eye darting around underneath the sack mask in the finale is some truly unnerving stuff.

Drumroll...

1.  Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

You know, the real fascinating thing to me about The Final Chapter is how seemingly NO ONE showed it on basic cable back in the day.  As such, this was one of the last movies in the original 8 that I saw.  It lived up to the hype that it had built up on the internet, as this is a movie where the combination of quirky characters, brutal kills and a stunning final showdown adds up to just kickass awesome stuff.  Corey Feldman, Crispin Glover, Judie Aronson, the dancing scene, the gory murder set pieces...folks, if this really had been the way that Jason Voorhees went out, they couldn't have asked for a better sendoff.  As it is, this WAS the end of the first (read: Human) version of Jason Voorhees, with Feldman's child makeup prodigy making an unlikely but fascinating foil for the machete-wielding maniac.  A must-see, and an A+ horror epic.

It's over?  It's really, truly over?  Thus concludes the 2015 Friday the 13th countdown of countdowns, but as the years tick by and that unlucky day rolls up on the calendar, just ignore that familiar "Ki ki ki ma ma ma" reverberating throughout the background.  It's probably just your soundbar, anyway.

Curse of Chucky (2013)

2013
Directed by Don Mancini
Starring Fiona Dourif, Danielle Bisutti, Brennan Elliott, Maitland McConnell and Brad Dourif

The collection of five people who read these reviews might have noticed that I've thrown a few complaints about my internet service dying every night around 7:00 p.m.  As a result, I haven't reviewed any recent (read: anything release since, like, 2000) flicks on the blog in a while.  Well, I decided to open up a Steve Austin-style can of whoop ass on that situation and get new internet service as of...7 days before this review was posted.  For now, though, I just watched Curse of Chucky on Netflix at high noon.  Somehow, the atmosphere was lost.

Yup...it's Curse of Chucky, the sixth installment in the much-loved and simultaneously much-maligned killer doll franchise.  Still written and directed by Don Mancini and still with Brad Dourif doing the voice of the main man himself, no less.  According to the fine folks at Wikipedia and IMDB, this was Mancini's attempt at bringing the series back to its roots and away from the goofiness of Bride and Seed.  Personally, I didn't think there was anything wrong with the horror-comedy approach.  I mean, we're dealing with a series of movies about a f**kin' KILLER DOLL.  It's not like the concept is one that begs to be taken as seriously as Jim Cornette likes to take...pretty much everything.  But it seems like I'm outnumbered.  With that bitching out of the way, I'm at least happy that Mancini didn't decide to go the original remake route that he planned on and instead made this flick another sequel.  It follows the continuity of the series just fine.  But since it's not scary in the least bit, it's only partially successful in its mission.  Enough jibber jabber.  Let's get to it.

Here we are, 25 years after the events in the original Child's Play, just like we are in real life at the time of this flick's release.  This is another one of those films that wastes absolutely no time getting the hell going, quickly getting to the strained familial existence between Nica Pierce (Fiona Dourif - yes, Brad's real-life daughter) and her mother Sarah (Chantel Quesnal) live in a bigass house together.  It's established early that Nica is none too happy with her life, and she has reason to be.  A paraplegic throughout her entire existence, her father died before she was born, boring life.  You know, the works.  Five minutes into the running time, Nica and Sarah receive a mysterious package containing...you guessed it...Chucky.  Five minutes after that, Sarah is dead, found by Nica with a big stab wound in her throat.

Now, much was made in this movie of the fact that Chucky looked exactly as he did during the original trilogy of movies before they ramped up the goofy.  It was meant to signify a return to the darkness, or something.  But he's still the same Chucky, more or less. 

For starters, this movie takes the original movie's approach when it comes to his dialogue.  After Sarah's death, Nica's older sister Barb (Danielle Bisutti), her husband Ian (Brennan Elliott), daughter Alice (Summer H. Howell) and their live-in nanny Jill (Maitland McConnell) arrive at the house, along with their priest, Father Frank (A Martinez).  Of these, the only one who doesn't immediately scream "cannon fodder" is Alice, and it's this character that Chucky immediately forms the friendship with.  It's also for this reason why we get the LONG buildup of Chucky doing his best poker face while Nica's family prove themselves to be a bunch of dislikable asshats trying to scheme her out of the house in order to get a boatload of cash for selling it.  I WILL give the movie some bonus points, however, in that it surprised the hell out of in how it went about handling Jill the nanny's presence.  I took one look at this hot blonde and said, "yeah, Ian is banging her."  The actual reason why she sticks around managed to throw me for a loop.

Anyway, commence series of deaths.  Mancini has always been really good at crafting strong death scenes throughout the series.  Like, we're talking cringe-worthy stuff.  Curse of Chucky has some real audience poppers.  The first one to go is the Priest, who bites it in a vicious car accident brought on by some timely rat poison in his chili.  We get stabbings, decapitations, axes, and all kinds of other happy stuff along with the requisite amount of times that the f-bomb can be dropped by Brad Dourif's trademark dark, angry voice.  Once again, this guy really does make the movie, even though he is only ON camera for about five minutes when the movie gives us its background exposition segment explaining just why Chucky chose this particular destination to be mailed to.  Suffice to say, he has a lot more to do with the Pierce family than you would ever think.

Still, as visceral as the movie was on occasion, it wasn't scary.  When you've got a script filled with a bunch of dislikable characters.  Now, that CAN work when you give the antagonists some cool factor and one-liners.  To me, this is why Bride and Seed (the former more than the latter, definitely) worked.  There isn't much investment in the characters, so thus, there's no reason to be pissing yourself in terror when Mancini and his frankly amazing camerawork are pulling their tricks during the "stalk and slash" sequences.  Now, Nica DOES get more likable as the movie goes on.  Fiona Dourif did get her father's genes when it comes to becoming characters.  Hell, Brad was able to make Rob Zombie's Halloween remakes almost watchable.  You can't get much higher praise than that, and Fiona has a lot of that same charisma.  So +2 points for her - here's hoping we get to see her in more horror movies.

And the movie has a really cool post-credits sequence that you should definitely stick around for.  No spoilers here, but suffice to say it's a real crowd pleaser for long-time fans of this series like myself.  Even moreso since it features a guy that I met face-to-face at a horror convention.

Whoo boy, time to wrap up this dog and pony show.  I know it sounds like I hated this movie, but truth be told, there actually is quite a bit to admire about it.  It finds a way to tie everything together that has happened previously in the series into a nice, neat little ball at the same time that it makes things feel like something totally new.  Whoa, what?  It's also got some good kills, some decent lines from Chucky (once he actually starts to talk), and a background sequence featuring Brad Dourif as Charles Lee Ray, serial killer, that might be some of the most sickly disturbing stuff I've seen in any horror movie.  But the overall tone of this movie is one of the most depressing things I've seen in a while, and not in a good way.  Coupled with those characters who will inspire you to reach through the TV and strangle them, and we're not talking Joe Bob levels of "check it out" here.

** 1/2 out of ****.  I'd still recommend this movie for a watch if you've seen every previous movie in the series, which, if you're reading this blog is almost certainly the case.  If you're new to the series, however, start with #1 and then make the call if you're up for the rest or not, because this one isn't worth going out of your way to watch.

Five Underrated Halloween Day Flicks

Wait, it's Halloween week again?

Before I get going with this week's manifesto, think back to when you were in, say, eighth grade.  Now warp ahead to being a senior in high school.  Remember that time period?  It felt like it took a f**king ETERNITY to get from point A to point B then.  When you're younger, time moves in slow motion.  These days?  It feels like just yesterday that I was still living in my parents' house and this here blog was under one of its previous failed incarnations.  However, I did crank out that life-time Friday the 13th retrospective, something that I can safely call the best thing I've ever done on here.  So there is that.

But yeah.  Adult life.  It flies by, and it sucks.

Anyway, Halloween falls on a Saturday this year.  If I was a kid, no doubt I would be all kinds of jazzed about that prospect.  These days, I always head back to my childhood home for candy detail to soak in the spectacle on the greatest street in the history of Halloweens, but I've told this story many times already.  If you're like me (and if you're reading this blog, count yourself in my mutant category), October 31st is a day when you soak in horror movies every waking moment.  If you're like me, you have a pretty established playlist.  It always consists of Night of the Living Dead, the first two Hellraisers, and then I close out the day with a Halloween I and II nightcap.  But somewhere in the middle of all that, I always toss in a wrinkle, something that people don't typically think of when it comes to Halloween-day viewing.

And that's what we're looking at today, kids.  Yeah.  Lead-in.  Read up for five alternate flicks to check out on Halloween day.

Trick r Treat (2007)
I don't know if it's entirely accurate to call this movie underrated.  Just about everyone who has seen it loves it, and it definitely has that "cult classic" thing going on, but you'd be surprised how many people don't know about this one.  Sitting on the shelf for a long period of time before seeing the light of day on DVD shelves, this is an anthology horror flick that aims to please, presenting a group of stories all based around Halloween day itself - two things that had been neglected for far too long by the film-makers of the world.  Two of the stories are definitely a lot stronger than the others, and I'll leave it up to everyone to decide which ones those are.  But the atmosphere contained within Trick r Treat, as well as "Sam," the puppet/mascot/villain guy in the costume that you saw on the DVD cover, make this a really good movie to check out to break up the monotony of Freddy, Jason, Pinhead and Michael that typically make up the day.

Jack the Ripper (1959)
This is one that I GUARANTEE isn't on anyone else's "Halloween Day watching" list.  Released during rock and roll fever, this is a very, very, VERY fictionalized version of the legendary English serial killer mystery.  And as goofy as this movie is, it played a big part in me becoming something of a Ripperologist myself.  And when I say Ripperologist, I mean that I own exactly two books on the subject and have read them.  I saw this movie LATE at night on AMC many moons ago, and there's just something about it that I really dig.  As I said before, this is 1959 we're talking about, leading us to the unintentional hilarity of an 1888 detective rocking a 1950s-style Elvis do.  With the writers subscribing to the vengeful "harlot killer" murder theory, it unspools its mystery in a pretty satisfying way.  And it's got one of the most out-there endings to a horror movie I've ever seen that actually had to be edited down to protect everyone's eyes back in 1959.

Bay of Blood, a.k.a. Twitch of the Death Nerve (1971)
If you've got yourself a gathering of people on Halloween, this is a good one to show just for the history lesson.  More inquisitive people might wonder where the exploits of all the '80s slasher icons came from, and they owe a HUGE debt to this Italian slasher flick directed by Mario Bava.  One of the first true "body count" movies in existence, this movie shocked audiences in its day with its rapid fire, slam-bang, one gory/graphic murder after another style of suspense.  It lends itself really well to Halloween-day viewing for first-time watchers, something that I can report with my expert eyes (LOL) as I watched the movie for the first time on Halloween day for that very purpose.  Now, I will admit that there is a pretty long section in the middle involving various characters playing and conning each other that almost derails the mood entirely, but the first 20 minutes combined with the final series of shocks are a real crowd pleaser.  Check this out.

House by the Cemetery (1981)
More Italian horror and splatter, courtesy of one of the masters of the genre, Lucio Fulci.  When you're looking at a movie suitable for viewing on Halloween day, it goes without saying that "party movies" are high on the list.  But this is one movie that will just scare the living daylights out of you.  It combines several of the best-known horror tropes out there - we've got a haunted house, a zombie, and a mad scientist all rolled up into one somewhat incomprehensible but always tense entry in Fulci's "Gates of Hell" trilogy.  Of course, a big part of the plot of this movie is something that would have absolutely traumatized me had I see the movie when I was younger, as it gives us perhaps the most literal translation of the "monster in the basement" story (involving a goddamned KID as the victim, no less) in any movie I've ever seen.  BRRRRR.  Give this one a watch if you want to give your Halloween party-goers a serious case of the creeps.

and finally...

Return of the Living Dead Part II (1988)
It's highly likely that the original Return of the Living Dead ranks pretty high on most aficiandoes' best-movies lists, and rightfully so.  Charles O'Bannon's movie had a simultaneously humorous and creative take on the zombie movie (and it feels infinitely refreshing these days).  But for mysterious reasons, I've always preferred the sequel, even though I know that it's a FAR less impactful flick.  What can I say?  I just like goofy.  And this is most assuredly one GOOFY movie, complete with zombies dropping one liners and a plot involving a zombie teenage bully that must be seen to be believed.  This flick is just total fun from start to finish - there's no social gobbledygook that zombie movies (and TV shows) typically get way too caught up in, instead going for total entertainment.  Whether it hits or misses for you is a bit iffy, but this movie hits for me in a big way.  And it's even got a punk rock version of "Monster Mash" over the end credits.

You know the drill by now.  No closing paragraph.  Stay safe, have some good scares, and VIVA HORROR.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: Series Retrospective

Throughout 2015, I've reviewed R.L. Stine's Goosebumps series and the "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" anthologies.  Both of those particular items were ubiquitous with my childhood in the early-to-mid '90s.  Obviously, they were with many others as well, since one of these now has a movie with Jack Black.  But when it comes to the bygone era of actual horror stuff aimed at the youth market, there is nothing that I remember quite so fondly from my youth as Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Ah, Are You Afraid of the Dark?  Airing originally on Canadian television and getting the licensed simulcast treatment on Nickelodeon, this was a kids' anthology horror show that was everywhere during its peak years.  If you weren't watching this on Saturday nights, you might as well have been buying offshoot Skidz pants from K-Mart, because you were out of it man.  Every Monday, there was a group of 4-5 kids in my grade who would gather by the big stack of board games in the back of the room to hash over each new episode.  And when I say hash over, I mean hash over.  Like, it rivaled anything Robin Williams did in Dead Poets Society.  We'd read into these things just as much as we read into pro wrestling, and folks, for my collection of grade school bros...that's a lot.

The experience of watching an episode of this show on Saturday night really was something else.  For starters, it had a framing device to die for.  Taking a cue from The Twilight Zone, what we had here was a "story within a story," as a group of kids - all from different schools, oftentimes with different groups of friends - would gather in the woods every Friday night to tell scary stories to each other.  As a kid, this was one of those ideas that seemed so inherently cool that it hurt not to have your own bunch of friends to do this with.  And man, how awesome were these kids' parents?  Meeting up in the middle of a goddamn forest...at midnight...unsupervised...try this shit today and you'd be turned in to child services.  It's also for this reason that I think we could DESPERATELY go for an Are You Afraid of the Dark? redux.  Put this concept on TV today, kids would still think it was cool.  Especially if you gave the kids distinctive personalities like they did here.

While the stories on the show were the main draw, weirdly enough, me and my group of friends found ourselves talking about the kids a lot more.  First and foremost was the badass name of the club - The Midnight Society.  The rule was simple.  Each member could bring in a new member, who would be pulled in to the meeting place (while blindfolded, holy fuck) and do their best to scare the crap out of everyone else.  If they did, they were in.  This was the setup for the first episode of the series, as resident nice guy David brings his friend Frank to a meeting.  A bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks, Frank has an ace up his sleeve in the form of the Dr. Vink character, a mad scientist-y type guy who would show up in all of Frank's stories from that point forward. 

One of the real treats of the series was in noticing how the character traits of the members of the various Society members carried over into their stories.  The founder of the group was Gary, and it's likely this guy that people who watched the show during its initial run remember the most.  Kind of a bookish nerdy guy, Gary has a big interest in magic and sorcery.  As such, most of his stories revolve around magic and a phony-baloney magic shop owner named Sardo.  I absolutely LOVED whenever Sardo showed up in these episodes, if for no other reason than his catchphrase was fun to say (that's Sar-DO - No Mister, accent on the DO).  There was David and Kristen, the resident members with a romantic interest from the early seasons, the latter of which was a prissy princess who liked to tell dark versions of fairy tales.  There was Betty Ann, a sweet girl-next-door type whose innocent exterior hid a dark side, and thus liked to play up the macabre and morbid as much as possible in her yarns.  In the later seasons, we got Tucker, Gary's little brother and all-around bastard kid who told a lot of stories about families facing danger and coming together.  And then there was Kiki, a spunky tomboy and moralist who liked stories that dealt with kids dealing with their own choices while dispensing some African-American flavor.

One story introduction followed by dust being tossed into a fire later, and we were ready to be enthralled.

Random bit from Lick Ness Monster's childhood: When I was in fourth grade, I wrote my own Are You Afraid of the Dark? story where I (yes, I - Jon Lickness) got a stab at getting into the Midnight Society.  The story I whipped out was about one of those abandoned houses that seemingly every small town has where all of the kids are afraid to enter or approach.  One of the early bits had a kid going into said house and being horrified that the walls started to bleed before darkness shot out of the shadows and enveloped him.  Yeah, I was one fucked up kid.  Of course, everyone in the Society loved "The Tale of the Bleeding Mansion."  Especially Betty Ann, who was so impressed with my storytelling prowess and general coolness that she wanted to date me.

Ladies and gentlemen, my first ever attempt at self-serving fan fiction.

With that lovely bit of waxing out of the way, let's go through some of the notable tropes, characters and episodes of the series.

First and foremost have got to be the recurring characters Dr. Vink and Sardo.  Vink showed up three times as a villain in an awesome trilogy of episodes where the doctor would bring his trademark inventions to hapless kids and summarily unleash them.  The best of these is undoubtedly the season three finale "The Tale of the Dangerous Soup," where Vink has managed to find a way to extract the liquid form of fear from his hapless victims utilizing an ancient gargoyle statue, putting the fear into stew concoctions and selling them at his restaurant.  The episode stars a young Neve Campbell as a restaurant employee, and it's got some truly nightmarish bits involving the various characters' fears being played out.  Freaky-deaky Sardo was in four episodes, and this guy was a different beast - not an out-and-out villain, he was really much more of a clown, selling cursed artifacts or powerful magical tools to the hapless kids in his stories while being totally oblivious to the carnage.  These two long-running characters eventually met up in the team-up story "The Tale of Cutter's Treasure," where Dr. Vink makes a babyface turn in an excellent two-parter starring Charles S. Dutton as an evil pirate hoping for one last showdown with a worthy adversary.

Unlike Goosebumps, Are You Afraid of the Dark? didn't shy away from moral lessons.  This starts in the second episode, the immortal Betty Ann yarn "The Tale of the Laughing in the Dark."  Kids in my age bracket remember Zeebo the Clown and the main character's dickish reaction to stealing Zeebo's nose.  The third act, with the kid getting his just desserts, was pretty freaky stuff for a ten-year-old to process.  Another good example was Kiki's Season 3 story "The Tale of Apartment 214," where a teenage girl has just moved into a new apartment building and becomes friends with an old woman who lives in an adjacent apartment.  After breaking a promise, she finds out the old woman's true identity and learns a big-time lesson in the process.  But relax people, there's a happy ending.  And then there's "The Tale of the Crimson Clown," where Gary uses a story to teach his younger brother about being a good kid with something that I can safely say was the most horrific thing I'd seen on any medium at the time I first saw it.  Folks...the bratty kid in this story gets such a long, drawn-out, creepy punishment that it really must be seen to be believed.  And they showed this stuff to CHILDREN.  No wonder we're all so messed up.

The episode list really does read like a timeline of my childhood from those years - there are a legit 20 episodes that I would give ***+ if I was grading them on my movie scale, and amazingly enough, they still hold up well through adult eyes. 

"The Tale of the Super Specs" - Sardo's first story, where Gary proves to the Midnight Society that he hasn't lost his touch by giving us the first (da-dum) BAD ENDING in the series.

"The Tale of the Dark Music" - Maybe the single most scary episode of the series, where a friendly paper boy discovers that the door in his basement is a gateway to hell every time that music plays.

"The Tale of the Frozen Ghost" - Three words: Melissa Joan Hart.  Two more words: I'M COLD.  Brrrrrr.

"The Tale of the Watcher's Woods" - A young Jewel Staite guest stars in this episode about a trio of witches who have eternally held up in the woods near a summer camp, and an ancient entity that lords over the wilderness.

"The Tale of the Dollmaker" - Google this episode title and just look at the image that comes up.  This story about a dollhouse that transforms people into living dolls is something else.

"The Tale of the Quiet Librarian" - Proving once again that silence is always creepier than LOUD NOISES, this is a story for every kid who has ever feared their old, crotchery library wench.

"The Tale of the Fire Ghost" - Many of the Are You Afraid of the Dark? ghost stories were particularly strong, and this one is no different.  Don't look into the fire, people.

"The Tale of the Dead Man's Float" - This one came out near the end of the show's run, and what a way to go out.  An undead zombie that drags unsuspecting kids to a watery grave?  Count me in.

It goes on and on.  Without a doubt, Are You Afraid of the Dark? qualifies as one of the finest quality kids' shows of all time.  Its quality is such that I still peruse Youtube playlists or, on the nights when Frontier Internet feels like saying "No Mas" at 7:00 p.m., digging out my season DVDs.  This was a show for children that actually respected its audience, a common occurence at the time it aired but something that is at an unbelievable premium these days.  If they scared the crap out of the kids, the people behind this show didn't worry about it.  They knew that being scared is cathartic, a release of tension that can't be matched by any other type of story.  And if they could make you want to be the cool kids telling the stories in the process of give you a nice little moral lesson, that was just an added bonus.  It's a show from a bygone era that is very sadly bygone, and one that is treasured for a reason.

I guess what I'm saying is that Joe Bob wants you to check it out, people.