Critters - a movie about carnivorous intergalactic beasts that the whole family can enjoy!

Careful - what you're about to watch might actually be a pretty decent movie.  Critters was one of my absolute favorite movies as a child.  It didn't occupy QUITE the same cool quotient that Gizmo and his cohorts occupied, but few movies around that time period did. 

It cannot be overstated just how big of an effect Gremlins had on my life; it is the first movie that I actually remember watching, and ranked respectably on the auspicious list of video titles that I would bore my parents to tears with due to repeated viewings.  How repeated?  Along with Ghostbusters, the somewhat gruesome yet somehow also family-friendly saga of Billy Peltzer and his Mogwai companion was one of only two movies that my mother ever TOOK AWAY for an extended period of time just to get me to stop watching the damn thing.  Now that is some kind of powerful mental hold.

At any rate, sometime in 1990, I saw an ad for this movie called Critters that was about to be broadcast on local TV, and like the misguided bat that I am, I immediately flocked to the channel.  I don't know what it was that these movies about fuzzy and/or freaky-looking demon puppets that fascinated me so much.  Maybe it was because seeing 1' snarling dwarven creatures scream obscenities in subtitles was all kinds of amusing to a six-year-old.  Maybe the effects, consisting of honest stop-motion movement and simple puppetry, pounced on me way harder than anything George Lucas' best visual effects wizards could dream up.  Or maybe I just liked that there were monsters up on the screen terrorizing entire cities who were smaller than me.  It's up for debate, but my money is on the latter.

Some background information - at the time of its release, a lot of people wrote Critters off as nothing more than a Gremlins ripoff, but in actuality, the script had been written BEFORE the Spielberg-produced blockbuster entered production.  Furthermore, it was tweaked even more in the two years between Gremlins and this film's April of 1986 release date, focusing a bit more on the "alien bounty hunter" aspect of the story than it did originally.  Considering that these dudes occupy many of the flick's most hilarious moments (however unintentional they may be), I feel safe reporting this was a good move.

The man behind the director's chair is Stephen Herek, a guy who has actually done some pretty successful movies that I dare say everyone has heard of in the years since Critters, including Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, The Mighty Ducks, Mr. Holland's Opus, Rock Star and, proving his deft hand at dealing with an evil force that no Crite could ever hope to contend with, directing the man who will one day (sigh) be the head of the world's largest pro wrestling company in The Chaperone.  

And, after 4 1/2 paragraphs of essentially nothing, that about wraps up the introduction.

THE MOVIE!!

The opening segment of the movie takes place in some faraway galaxy, where a small population of the Critters - known as "Crites" within the confines of this film - are being transported to a prison asteroid.  Within short order, they escape, causing one of the benevolent aliens in charge of the prison operation (who admittedly looks AWESOME considering that the budget of this film was two million bucks) to hire out a pair of bounty hunters to track them down.  We haven't seen the crites yet, but if these blank-green-faced big dudes with really, really big guns are after them, they're obviously trouble.

And, just like that, we're back on Earth.  Much like Gremlins, the flick strongly features a kid as one of the central protagonists.  This is always a very dicey issue for horror movie directors - on one hand, a kid in peril generally makes for a bit higher drama than we're used to with these types of films.  On the other hand, some kid actors are really, really annoying.  For his part, Scott Grimes - the man who now does the voice of Steve Smith on American Dad! - manages to be a fairly engaging kid in peril.  He's a sneaky, Bart Simpson-esque character who likes to shoot off fireworks and shoot his sister in the ass with slingshots, constantly raising the ire of his strict father.  It comes off as way more likable than it sounds, believe me.

We're also introduced to the rest of the hero characters - mechanic dad Jay (Billy Green Bush), token slutty character and daughter April (Nadine Van Der Velde), and the guy pictured with Brad above, alcoholic family friend Charlie (Don Opper).  In one of the most baffling decisions that any horror franchise has ever made, it's frickin' CHARLIE of all people who would show up in all four movies in the series, turning into the de facto main protagonist by the end.  In this movie, he's essentially comic relief who really isn't that comic, but other than the moments focused on him, these mundane early scenes do their job - they get you to feel for a somewhat ordinary family about to be faced with somewhat dire circumstances. 

Before we dive further into the abyss, I also need to report that Charlie is involved in this subplot throughout the film where he is convinced that aliens have been trying to contact him for years, and spends a whole lot of tedious airtime crying out to the sky that he was right all along once he sees some actual, live, honest-to-christ REAL aliens.  However, this aspect of the flick repeatedly goes nowhere, so I'll spare you the details.  Trust me, I'm doing you a favor.

Oh, and one more thing - the mother of the family, named Helen, is played by Dee Wallace Stone, someone who truly deserves to be inducted into some kind of horror hall of fame.  She was aces in the Joe Dante werewolf classic The Howling (a flick that, for my money, was loads better than the incredibly overrated An American Werewolf in London), as well as playing the heroine in Cujo and working with Steven f**king Spielberg himself in a little movie about a very different type of alien than the one featured in this film.  You may have heard of that one.

Meanwhile, in space, the bounty hunters - named Ug and Lee (clever, I know) - have tracked the crites to Earth.  Since it would be somewhat conspicuous for two shapeless, glowy-green faced aliens to walk around, they must take a form familiar to the people of Earth.  One of them molds his look after a fictional cock rocker named Johnny Steele (Terrence Mann) - and it's so much more glorious when we get to see the complete accompanying music video first.  Now, it is a catchy song and everything, but heed my warning that you will be sick TO DEATH of it by the time you finish watching this movie.  By my count, they play snippets of it on four separate occasions.  Streets are calling, indeed.

Anyway, time for this movie's plot to (finally) get rolling.  April - who despite her magenta-colored jeans is actually quite the looker - brings a new boyfriend home.  Most amazing?  New boyfriend is played by Billy "Jerkass Guy from Titanic" Zane.  After eating dinner at the brown household, Zane (and yeah, his name is "Steve" in the screenplay, but I refuse to call him anything else) is coerced by April into heading out to the cozy family barn for some rolling around in the hay foreplay.  One thing that struck me about this movie instantly after discovering it all these years later - you can DEFINITELY tell that they were shooting for a family audience with Critters, because (a) there's no nudity in this scene, and (b) this is the LONGEST "make out/foreplay" scene in movie history.  The action cuts away numerous times from this, and, all added up, this probably goes on for 15 minutes.  Yikes.  What a teaser that April is.

Somewhere in the countryside, the crites (finally) land in a nearby field, and promptly make their first kill - the dopey local deputy.  It isn't a very creative murder, although we get some semblance of their prowess.  They can roll up into little balls and shoot "poison quills" at unsuspecting foes that render them helpless and/or unconscious.  Gather up a bunch of these things together, and you might have enough for an '80s horror movie. 

The plot continues to unspool as the crites make their way toward the Brown residence, immediately cutting the power and trapping Jay, Helen, and Scott inside.  One of them has already made himself at home in the basement, royally roughing up Jay as we finally get an obscured look at them.  Amazingly enough, we're about halfway through the movie by this point, and we still haven't really seen them - the picture above is pretty much the extent of it.  They DO come across as very menacing due to these fleeting glimpses, however - rows of big, snarling teeth combined with rolling power and the ability to snarl obscenities via the magic of subtitles.  Yup.

The flick's bodycount soon rises just above the minimum standard for a horror film, as one of the crites interrupts the AFOREMENTIONED longest makeout scene in movie history.  Since this IS a family horror film and the slutty-yet-virtuous daughter is off limits, that means that it's curtain time for Zane, baby.  THIS death is a bit more entertaining, as we are treated to the sight of the Phantom getting his finger bitten off before the thing attacks and eats his stomach, accompanied by a whole lot of girly screaming.  Anyway, Brad runs in and saves the day by throwing a firecracker at the hungry crite, who promptly eats it and collapses after it explodes.

Have I mentioned that we've been treated to a bunch of comedic skits involving the bounty hunters searching for the crites?  Well, we have.  This aspect of the movie is actually loads of fun.  One would expect the film-makers to take a serious approach with these guys, but instead of being badass alien trackers, they're essentially trigger-happy goofballs who like to blow stuff up just because they can.  My favorite involves Ug (the guy who transformed into Terrence Mann/Johnny Steele) picking up a bowling ball and casually flinging it toward a group of pins with such velocity that it shatters said pins.  One of the better "WTF" moments in the realm of horror, I must say.

The Brown family make their way back inside the house, where the movie essentially calms down a little bit and becomes Night of the Living Dead with little rolling balls of doom in the place of zombies.  While Jay, Helen and April fend off attacks from the crites inside the house, Brad makes a run for it, eventually making his way to the bounty hunters and setting us up for the final showdown.

As far as final showdowns go, it's not too shabby, either.  We finally get to see Ug and Lee blast a few of the crites to smithereens with their gigantic energy weapons, and the makeup effects don't skimp on the details.  There's lots of exploding chunks and splattery crite gore to be had in this movie.  It's only in the human death where we kind of get screwed.  The movie also doesn't disappoint in the action aspect, as Ug and Lee blow the holy hell out of the Brown residence during the shootout.  Thus, again - Michael Bay and Stephen Summers take note.  THIS is how you make the most of your budget.

Anyway, upon the arrival of the hunters, the crites roll back to their ship to regroup while the largest of them kidnaps April.  I don't know - do you really need me to spell out that the good guys win?  Well, they do.  Brad sneaks into the ship and rescues April, and after escaping, he and Charlie get the honorary "ultimate savior" honors, throwing a homemade molotov cocktail concocted from Charlie's whiskey that he (constantly) carts around onboard.  And...that's pretty much it.  The crites take off, they blow up the Brown household just because they can, and their ship explodes, presumably killing all furry, toothy monsters onboard. 

I also need to point out that Critters contains one of the best denounments in horror history.  The bounty hunters give Brad - having already adopted him as a surrogate little brother after spending all of ten minutes of screen time with him - this sort of magical walkie-talkie item, with Ug/Johnny Steele smiling one of the goofiest movie smiles of all time and telling our hero to "call him sometime."  As they walk away, Charlie - sick of being a laughingstock and a loser on Earth - follows them and asks them if they need a good mechanic.  It is played off in a manner that suggests mere comic relief, but since freakin' Charlie is a full-fledged bounty hunter in the next movie, apparently the application process for being an intergalatic asskicker is easier than I think. 

The icing on the cake?  We get yet another Wayne's World-approved Mega Happy Ending (man, I'm on quite a roll of upbeat horror films lately) as the Browns return to their ruined house.  On a whim, Brad presses the button on the bounty hunters' remote control device, causing their home to be rebuilt piece-by-piece in reverse stop motion.  Everyone is a better person, life is grand, and we've still got a whole host of crite eggs residing in the barn to set up possible sequels in the event that this film makes a decent return on its modest investment.  Which it did.

Final judgment: Since I'm already well aware that this review has been mammoth-sized, I'll try and make this brief.  There are some horror movies that just appeal better to kids and kid-hearted than they do to cynical adults, and this is one of them.  It's got a very different vibe from the vast majority of horror films out there, and while I don't hold it in quite the same high regard as that movie about Billy, Gizmo and Stripe that I watched over and over long ago, I still think Critters is a pretty damn fine horror movie that, yes, the whole famly can enjoy.  I love the honest, hand-made special effects, the simple country-bumpin likable characters, and the unapologetic get-right-to-the-point plot.  It appealed to me as an seven-year-old kid who liked scary flicks involving freaky-looking puppets, and it still appeals to me now.

*** 1/2 out of **** - loads of fun and highly recommended.

Ghoulies IV, featuring the return of Peter frickin' Liapis and the single most random fight scene in cinema history!

Alright, I'll just let cat out of the bag - I enjoyed Ghoulies IV.  Judging by the harsh reaction that it gets seemingly everywhere else on the interwebz, I'm one of the few (but not quite proud) souls out there who will admit to this in public.  Fans of the series just hate this movie, but for the life of me, I can't really figure out why.  Yeah, the Ghoulies barely serve a purpose in it.  Yeah, the plot is stupid and makes pretty much zero sense.  My response to this - the previous films were technically the absolute, drizzling s**t too...so your point is what, exactly?

At any rate, this is the last Ghoulies film.  And folks, I think this is one franchise that is pretty safe from the soul-stripping remake treatment, although that's also what I said about Black Christmas, so what do I know?  Still, it's difficult to imagine any genius producer out there picking up these films that all of five people (one of whom residing in the murky, eerie Lake Okabena) profess their love for, watching approximately six hours of (mostly) terrible acting, banal plotting and puppets who like to stare at hot college co-eds' mammoth funbags and seeing something commercially viable from it.  Thus, if you're a Ghoulies completionist, pick this one up and I'd wager 47 dollars that you're set for life.

The flick was unleashed on video store shelves in 1994, and is one of many, many fine craptacular horror flicks directed by Jim Wynorski.  Wynorski is one of my favorite bastions of bad cinema, having helmed the undisputed masterpiece (/Patrick Bateman) Chopping Mall along with 976-Evil II, the two Munchie films, and a whole host of Skinemax pictures and Syfy originals.  Long story short, I knew I was in for a treat seeing his name listed at the end of the credits.  Even better, this movie actually does serve as an actual, honest-to-goodness ENDING for the franchise.  It brings back Peter Liapis as Jonathan Graves, the part-time college student/part-time devil worshipper from the original film, and features a plot that, while quite moronic, does its damndest to tie up any loose ends that might be out there from the series.  All two of them.

THE MOVIE!!

Pop quiz - what is one of the Lick Ness Monster's favorite movie traits?  That's right, when it wastes absolutely no time getting going, and this is one of the reasons why horror movies rock.  Because when you've got a budget that wouldn't buy eight Whopper sandwiches, time is of the essence.  Within the first five minutes of Ghoulies IV, the impossibly hot chick in the above picture (played by Stacie Randall of Puppet Master 4 and Trancers 4-5 relative fame) bursts into one of those patented movie warehouses consisting of loads of boxes and other assorted knickknacks, kills two guards, steals a shiny red jewel, draws a pentagram on the floor, watches as a dark, shadowy figure emerges from said pentagram, and promptly messes up this whole ritual by passing the jewel inside the drawing.  Everybody got that?  After being berated by this guy (whose voice sounds like he should be telling Randall that there is no Dana, only Zuul), she receives her mission - there is ANOTHER jewel, and he needs it to become complete.  Or something.  What do you need to gleam from this?  There's a really hot girl on screen who likes to wear skin tight black leather for no apparent reason, and we're returning back to the devil worship theme of the first movie.

So begins Ghoulies IV, and within short order we're re-introduced to Jonathan Graves.  Eight years ago in the original film, he had really bad hair and liked to dabble with Satanic spells in his spare time.  Now, he's a gruff, rough and tough cop who doesn't play by the rules.  I said this in the review of the original film, but Peter Liapis is actually a really good actor; he's kind of like Michael Madsen without the 18,000-gallon daily alcohol intake requirement.  These early scenes with him establish his character as a maverick (including not just one but TWO shootouts inside convenience stores...yup, they exist), and also introduce us to his trainee, Scotty Mancuso (Bobby Di Cicco).  Remember Roger Ebert's Law of Economy of Characters?  Well, screenwriters don't introduce characters for no reason, so keep this in mind as Scotty unleashes a whole lot of bad comedy in the early goings of this film.

Yeah.  See that dude up above?  That's Jonathan Graves, and Dirty Harry ain't got nuthin' on him.  After another in a long-line of against-the-rules shenanigans, we then meet Jonathan's Captain.  And what an interesting little number she is.  Her name is Kate, and she's played by Barbara Alyn Woods, whom the DVD box proudly proclaims is on One Tree Hill.  I'll take their word for it since I've never watched a microsecond of the show.  At one point, these two were partners in more ways than one, and throughout the movie we get all sorts of angsty arguments between them that actually come across WAY better than one would expect in a movie like this.  To give you an indication of the material we're dealing with here, one of Kate's main complaints is that she thought "handcuffs were meant to restrain criminals and not to spice up your sex life!"  Liapis and Woods have excellent chemistry, and as a result, these scenes form a nice little emotional center of the film. 

Periodically, the action switches back to the hot chick in black leather, whom we find out from the Gatekeeper-voiced hooded dude is named Alexandra.  To be perfectly clear, a lot of these scenes are just filler.  What we can gleam from them is that she is attempting to bring devil dude over from the netherworld into the real world, where all sorts of s**t disturbing is likely to take place.  It might not be said, but it's strongly implied.

Since this movie IS called Ghoulies IV, you might be wondering where the pint-sized fun-loving demons are.  Well, they're here - they cross over into the real world at the beginning of the film when Alexandra's first ritual fails, and spend the rest of the movie making bad jokes, stowing away in vehicles, and attempting to get back to hell.  They also LOOK quite a bit different than they did in the previous installments, having morphed from semi-mobile puppets to dwarves in devil costumes.  They contribute absolutely nothing to the plot, and this is one of the many aspects of this film that fans routinely harp on.  My reaction?  Meh.  Yeah, their scenes are stupid, but they're pretty damn harmless.  So suck it up, Poindexter.

Lo and behold, it's Jonathan and Kate who wind up investigating the warehouse murder scene, where Jonathan recognizes not only the Pentagram but a peculiar painting outside the warehouse.  This brings back all sorts of bad old memories, as well as a whole lot o' anguish and emotional pain wracking his inner being.  If you're wondering where a lot of the 84 minutes' worth of running time of Ghoulies IV went, it's right here, as the two cops go back and forth between a few murder scenes and Jonathan debates whether or not to tell his old flame about his demonic past. 

There's another principal character that I need to introduce you to - Jonathan's current girlfriend, a hooker named Jeanine (Raquel Krelle) who is almost as tired of Jonathan's narcoleptic sleepiness as Kate was/is.  Seriously, Jonathan dozes off with such frequency in this movie that one has to wonder if he doesn't suffer from some previously unknown kind of chemical brain imbalance that prevents his brain matter from being able to recharge as well as a normal human being.  I know that he drinks a lot, but still.  After passing out before some celebratory sex can be had, Jeanine steals the object that the film's plot cruxes on - the OTHER jewel seen in the movie's prologue that Alexandra wants oh-so-badly - and, just because it's so red and shiny, begins wearing it around her neck.  The Law of Economy of Characters strikes again!

And it strikes AGAIN in short order.  After waking up and seeing his prostitute girlfriend off, Jonathan is called to yet ANOTHER box-laden warehouse by Scotty.  Did I mention that Alexandra had appeared to him in his car and entranced him into doing her bidding?  Well, she did, and this is a trap that Admiral Ackbar himself would be damn proud of.  Jonathan and Alexandra exchange threats before she unleashes Scotty on him.  All appears lost until Jonathan remembers his devil-infused powers, and defeats his bewitched partner by shooting blue lasers out of his fingertips.  Yes, sir, that's what he does.

Jonathan finally comes clean to Kate after this incident, and it's here where we get a bit more background.  In the time frame following the first film but before he presumably entered a law enforcement program, Jonathan and Alexandra used to date, engaging in blood sports, black magic and all other forms of debauchery.  I'll give it to Jonathan Graves - he knows how to get him some poon.  Eventually, Jonathan grew out of the phase, but, in his own words, "Alexandra couldn't get enough."  Eventually, she tried to kill him, which led him to commit her to a mental institution and leaving her with a nasty and decidedly anti-human disposition.  The dark lord of the Sith that she worships is in reality the embodiment of Jonathan's dark side, and getting the gem means bringing dark Jonathan - named Faust, cleverly enough - into the real world and banishing real Jonathan to Hades.  End exposition.

Since evil demonic twins and Pentagram-infused rituals are starting to pick up in frequency, it's time to enter the movie's final trimester.  In one of the finer plot copouts I've seen, Alexandra sacrifices a random extra to Faust and is able to decipher the location of the gem.  Within minutes, she has tricked and kidnapped Jeanine, which is a fine bonus for us the film viewer as Alexandra carries Jeanine over her shoulder like a burlap sack, affording us several nice looks at her panties in the process.  Double secret bonus to the movie here.

Through some convoluted way, Jonathan and Kate are able to figure out the location of the final ritual - the very mental institution that he dumped her off at after deciding that Hot Topic-style Paganism wasn't for him.  And after ditching Kate and making his way there, we get perhaps the single greatest scene in movie history, as Jonathan is ambushed by a lady in red whom we have never seen before and a gigantic sumo wrestling-style fighter.  I could post a lengthy blow-by-blow of this scene, but suffice to say, this is one you have to see for yourself.  It's SO inexplicable and out of nowhere that any recap will just spoil it.  Take my word - Jonathan Graves vs. Imposing Sumo Wrestler Guy is comedic GOLD.

Out in the institution's courtyard, Alexandra has Jeanine tied to a ceremonial altar, and soon enough is able to swap Jonathan with Faust for the officially-sanctioned sacrifice that will spell victory for the bad guys - until Kate shows up.  It's here where the Ghoulies finally get to do something (YAY!), snatching the gem from around Jeanine's neck and tossing them to Kate.  Somehow, our heroine also knows that she can shoot energy blasts out of the gem, promptly blasting both Alexandra and Faust to hell, opening a porthole in the process where real Jonathan and Scotty reappear.  Since this is the final movie in the series, and clearly shoots for the Wayne's World-approved Mega Happy Ending, Jonathan and Kate rekindle their love, and there's no need to feel bad for street walker Jeanine, either, since she finds a quick rebound in Scotty.

Then, in what is legit a pretty damn good moment for the series, the Ghoulies themselves wave goodbye to the audience, telling us that they will be back in Ghoulies IV Part II

Ordinarily, this is where your humble host goes off on some big long-winded soliloquy and puts on a whole bunch of masturbatory smart guy armor to give hard-hitting analysis of the movie in question...but really, what more do you need to know?  As stated numerous times already, the flick was absolutely napalmed by pretty much everyone who saw it, but I don't really see what the huge problems are.  It's got two very good performances from Liapis and Woods, genuinely likable characters, and a simultaneously fun and ridiculous plot that somehow manages to feel like a fitting sendoff for the series.  I'll take that over a Twilight reboot featuring a guy from The Social Network any day.  Thus, I'll give this one *** 1/2 out of **** for all the wrong reasons - pop this one in on a rainy day and you won't be disappointed.

Well, that effectively ends the Ghoulies saga in the life of the Lick Ness Monster, so what monster hunter is lined up with a harpoon and oxygen barrels now?  Well, let's just say that in the power of the night...streets are calling...

Talking puppets, nude Hope Carlton, and a scenery-chewing charactor actor - what else could it be but Ghoulies III?

Welcome to the mythical third entry of Ghoulies, loyal Horror Movie Madness readers.  For lack of a better explanation, this is the point where the Ghoulies series took a turn for the Jason Lives, doing its damndest to put on a happy face (yes, even more than the last film, which proudly featured a Shakespeare-quoting midget as its most interesting protagonist) and attempt to bring the comedy.  During my typical exhaustive research phase in planning out this review (which consisted of five minutes' worth of Google searching), I've surmised that this is a real mixed bag with fans of the series.  It's either a love it or hate it deal, with some people deriding this as worse than Troll 2 and others calling it a misunderstood classic.  In other words...it looks like I'm in for an interesting watch.

A few other things I gleamed from my five-minute research binge - this was the point in the series where it was no longer considered financially viable to be released on the big screen.  Which means that it's direct-to-video city, baby.   Charles Band is also gone as the executive producer - instead, Iain Peterson is the guy most directly responsible (kind of like Miles Bennett Dyson) for this claptrap.  Horror fans might recognize the name - he also produced Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood as well as a bunch of episodes of Friday the 13th: The Series.  With Peterson comes John Carl Buechler, a makeup wiz who did the creature effects for Ghoulies II as well as directing Friday VII for Peterson.  This sterling resume was enough to get him the prestigious director's chair for Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College.

I suppose that's enough introduction.  Ready for the complete blow-by-blow?  No?  Well, tough.

THE MOVIE!!

I'll say this for "college" movies from the early '90s - they REALLY make me wish I had been born in the early '70s, because going to college during this period seems like loads of fun.  Massive debauchery, nonstop partying - and plot props like we get in this flick in the form of "Prank Week."  Yup, this flick is set during fictional Glazier College's Prank Week, which is a HUGE deal with all of the fraternities at given campus.  So much so that the first thing we are treated to is a five-minute montage of said pranks, consisting of such things as sprinklers going off on random students and ejector benches.  And it's rip-roaringly hilarious, I tell ya.

Our main character for this flick is Skip (Evan MacKenzie), leader of the Beta Zeta Theta fraternity.  To sum it up as conveniently as possible, this would be your "Animal House" fraternity within the confines of this film.  Their chief rival is the evil, Cobra Kai-ish Gamma Sci bunch, led by the douchebaggy (and you can tell this because he's blonde - I've noticed this in college movies; evil frat leaders are ALWAYS blonde) Jeremy, played by John Johnston.  Proving that this flick's screenplay has a truly epic scope, Skip is attempting to woo an impossibly hot brunette sorority chick named Erin (Eva LaRue from CSI: Miami), who in turn dates the vile Jeremy.  It's a truly Romeo-and-Juliet style conundrum.

Our human villain in this film comes in the form of Professor Ragnar, played with scenery-chewing zeal by Biff Loman himself Kevin McCarthy.  McCarthy is a real unsung hero in the world of film, a character actor who has the ability to vanish into any role he's given, no matter how stupid or contrived.  He's even a genre vet, having a pretty memorable role in Joe Dante's werewolf classic The Howling as well as both the original and 1978 versions of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  All things considered, he's definitely the best thing about this film.  Ragnar will be serving as your Dean Wormer in this extraordinarily inventive film.  As the stodgy old codger in a college movie, he, of course, despises Prank Week with a fashion, and the plot is set in motion when he confiscates a "Ghoulish Tales" comic book from Wes, one of the Beta Zeta frat boys who kinda looks like Pauly Shore.  Of course, said comic book is really the all-powerful Ghoulie-summoning tome in this film, and before you know it, we've got creatures roaming around Glazier campus.

Before we continue, a few words on THESE Ghoulies...they're, uh, different from what you're used to.  By and large, they LOOK the same as the creatures seen in the previous film - there's a green "imp" Ghoulie, a "rat" Ghoulie and a "stripe" Ghoulie, but it's their ACTIONS that are such a radical departure.  In this film, they talk.  And not just sparingly.  Every time they're on screen, the script gives them a whole host of Freddy Kruger style one-liners to grace us with.  They've also got some new rules - in this movie, toilets serve as their portal within the various points of interest at Glazier college.  And, presumably, the world.  I've got to hand it to the screenwriter here - it takes some balls to make the toilets of Earth your primary villains' intraplanetary mode of transportation.  Ten points to the movie in this regard.

Anyway...since Ragnar ressurrected the Ghoulies, he has full control over their actions.  And what does he use this seemingly unlimited power for?  Ending Prank Week.  Man, this guy REALLY hates Prank Week.  In short order, we get our first kill scene in the movie, as the Ghoulies make quick work of Wes (which would be Pauly Shore guy, conveniently shown above along with his hottie blonde girlfriend).  How?  By quite literally flushing him down the toilet.  It should also be noted that we get some stellar nudity in this sequence from Hope Marie Carlton, the actress playing "Veronica," the movie's resident sluttish character.  This is, unfortunately, followed by a very hard-to-watch and unfunny five-minute-some sequence where the Ghoulies drink beer, belch, and flatulate, all while throwing words around like "idiot" and "schmuck" with reckless abandon.  This movie makes some endurance test whenever the Ghoulies are on screen.

In short order, we get this movie's money scene...the officially-sanctioned college movie panty raid sequence, as the Beta Theta's attempt...and fail...to raid some panties from the sorority house.  What does this mean for you, oh lucky viewer?  Oodles of gratuitious nudity, most notably more goodness from the blonde Goddess Hope Carlton.  This time, we get a completely pointless but also completely glorious striptease in her room followed by a VERY nice shower scene with Carlton and two other nameless chicks.  We get another death scene here, as the Ghoulies have also decided to crash the party...but who cares?  It's gratuitous nudity, one of the main ingredients missing from a lot of modern horror films, so soak it up while it's there.  A+++ for this sequence.

Ragnar gives a lecture in class about the corrupting evil that power grants people, then announces that if the pranking doesn't stop, he is going to recommend the Beta Zeta frat for expulsion.  Jeremy takes this opportunity to blow up Ragnar's desk, which of course leads to Skip taking the blame and promptly getting thrown out of school.  Even this isn't enough, as Ragnar orders the Ghoulies to kill Skip.  As previously mentioned, this guy REALLY hates pranking!  At any rate, this sets in motion act three of Ghoulies III.

First things first, Erin finds out that her boyfriend Jeremy was the douche all along (he's a sneaky one, the douche) who framed Skip for a few other pranks that have taken place throughout the film (like stealing the tinfoil Prank Crown) and makes up with our esteemed hero.  Moving swimmingly along, the Ghoulies attempt...and fail...to kill Skip with a massive Super Mario Bros. bob-omb only for this plan to backfire and explode in the presence of the movie's campus cop, whom I just realized I've left completely out of this review.  Which should be an indication as to how compelling his plot thread is. 

Anyway, Skip and Erin sneak over to Ragnar's office in an attempt to get him to reverse the expulsion only to get ambushed by Jeremy and the rest of the Gamma Scis.  Ragnar himself kidnaps Erin, leading to some fascinating sex-lust that is touched on by McCarthy's excellent delivery of the standard "we could be friends...GOOD friends" dialogue during the requisite bondage scene.

We get our rousing final confrontation scenes, as Skip fights off the Gamma Scis with his newfound Chuck Norris fighting ability and rescues Erin from Ragnar and the Ghoulies.  They gain control of the comic book and order the Ghoulies to attack Ragnar - which they do, leaving his body a big, green, gloppy mess on the floor for no apparent reason.  Although, since it's shown in such detail, obviously there must be a reason.  Spoiler alert.

Skip and Erin make their way back to the Beta Zeta house, where we get some lovely glimpses of the half-naked Eva LaRue.  I've only seen a grand total of one episode of CSI: Miami and can't say much as to her sex appeal these days, but she was quite the looker back in 1991.  Before we can get our Wayne's World-approved Mega Happy ending, however, Jeremy bursts into the house brandishing a shotgun...but not before something MUCH more fascinating comes back for revenge...

Yup.  See, earlier in the film, Ragnar had gone on this big manifesto about how, as the lord and master of Ghouliedom, his death would mean absorbing the collective powers of the creatures.  And, well, it's happened - and just look at the gloriousness on display in the above picture.  We get some long overdue hilarity here, albeit the unintentional kind, as McCarthy hams it up and attempts to look menacing in the big foam rubber monster costume.  All appears lost for our heroes as they are cornered in the bathroom - but then Skip flushes the all-powerful comic book into the toilet, spelling instant doom for the best damn college disciplinarian...there ever was.

And from here, we get our ACTUAL Wayne's World-approved Mega Happy Ending.  Skip gets the girl, the Beta Zeta's reclaim their prank crown, Jeremy gets expelled (since little-mentioned campus cop blames him for the bomb that blew up his golf cart - don't ask), and our final frame of the film shows a Ghoulie arm emerging from the toilet and crushing a beer can.  All smiles all around!

After highly enjoying the first two films in the Ghoulies franchise, I had high hopes for the third film in the series.  90 minutes later, I'm a little disheartened and not terribly looking forward to the fourth film.  While the second movie took a radically different approach to the material from the quite dark and serious original film, this one takes an even BIGGER quantum leap into the realm of goofball.  And while there are a couple glimmers of hope (including one of the Ghoulies saying "I'm sporting half a chubby!" during the awesome Hope Carlton shower scene), the humor in the flick falls flat on its face, failing to elicit any laughs from your humble host. 

In addition to that, while the actors give this their all (including a young Matthew Lillard as one of the frat guys), the characters are quite badly written.  Even the protagonists come off as quite dislikable people.  Undoubtedly, we have the most fun whenever McCarthy is on the screen; he's so goofy and over-the-top as Ragnar that watching him is always wildly amusing. 

Finally, the movie seems like a bit of a waste when it comes to the talents of one John Carl Buechler.  The movie earns its 'R' rating when it comes to nudity, but with Buechler's name attached, I expected some pretty out there murder set pieces.  That's not what we get.  Instead, we get the Ghoulies in extended "comedy" sequences that are anything but that, and while the animatronics and puppetry involved in the Ghoulie effects are pretty fluid and lifelike, the movie is a bit of a letdown considering some of the talent involved in their creation.

Having said all that, if nudity and hot girls are your thing...this movie is definitely worth a watch.  Let the record show that the Lick Ness Monster loves him some Hope Carlton!

 ** out of ****.  Mildly recommended for hardcore Ghoulies fans, not recommended for horror fans at large.

What I learned from Ghoulies II - classically-trained dwarf actors ROCK!

The original Ghoulies film is one of those movies that almost everyone has heard of, yet somehow no one has seen.  Of that minute percentage who actually HAVE taken the plunge and seen the first flick, the number is even more minute who have seen any of the sequels.  Well, call me a glutton for punishment, because I'm about to embark on this Homeric journey.

Ghoulies II was released in 1988, three years after the first film and after a whole lot of rethinking and retooling of the premise.  The original was much more of a Satanism/black magic/witchcraft horror film than a "little demons attacking people" movie, and I'm betting that a lot of people walked out of the theaters in 1985 feeling more than a little gypped that the Gremlins ripoff that they just paid five dollars to see hardly even featured any stop-motion puppet killing action.  Well, fear not, citizens - this is the movie where the Ghoulies series effectively becomes all about the creatures.  Never say that Charles Band doesn't give the audience what they want.

And yep, Band is back as the executive producer of this film, swept in just before he opened up Full Moon Features and introduced the world to a very different sort of tiny homicidal threats with Puppet Master.  As I understand it, this was actually one of the very last projects done for Empire Pictures, and I'm not entirely sure that this movie and that incident are mutually exclusive.  Interestingly enough, it's Albert Band, Charles' honest-to-christ FATHER, who handles the directing duties this time, and much like pretty much every Full Moon Feature, the movie has a decidedly low budget but makes the most of its limited resources.  Michael Bays and Steven Summers of the world take note - you CAN make a good-looking film without $150 million freakin' dollars.

THE MOVIE!!

From what I can gather, this movie takes place a short time after the first, as the creatures that escaped from the Graves household/Satanic stronghold are still on the loose.  The flick quickly introduces us to our two main hero characters - Larry (Damon Martin) and his uncle, Ned (Royal Dano).  They run a haunted house at a traveling carnival, and are driving a gigantic truck (with a pretty nifty-looking "Satan's Den" sign on the side) toward the next carnival.  Through some miraculous incident that's full of Dark Knight-style coincidences, wouldn't ya know that the Ghoulies wind up stowing away in their truck.

There's five of 'em this time.  I'm not going to describe them quite yet, but rest assured, they have characteristics that make them endlessly amusing (and at times annoying) to watch.  Just to partially sate you - because I'm sure you're all hanging on every word of this review - one of them is a freaky-looking flying squirrel-Ghoulie hybrid that emits noises like that little rat thing that hangs around Jabba the Hutt.  Yes, really.

Back at the carnival, we meet our secondary hero character, and this guy is really the movie's ace in the hole.  His name is Sir Nigel Penneyweight, and he's played by Phil Fondacaro, a dwarf who has a pretty damn impressive filmography.  He is the assistant of sorts at Satan's Den, whose job is to utilize his acting chops to scare the crap out of the customers.  His intricate plan?  Running around while dressed up like a gorilla.  He also constantly quotes Shakespeare and talks up his thespian past.  All things told, he's the most likable guy in the movie, and Fondacaro steals the show.

What other vital plot points do I need to talk about?  Oh yeah - our HUMAN villain character.  It seems as if a lot of the attractions at the carnival have been losing money, and Philip Hardin - the son of the guy who owns the carnival - has been dispatched to lay the gauntlet and tell everyone that any attraction that isn't turning ap rofit will be shut down.  And you should know where this is going - Satan's Den hasn't been making a profit for 16 months, as Hardin (played with plenty of douchebaggy zeal by J. Downing - and yes, folks, that is his name on IMDB), and they have until the end of the weekend to turn business around.

Immediately after this, we get our first kill - some nameless blonde who served as this flick's PG-13 "slut" character.  Since we don't even get the requisite nude scene from her, it's not worth recapping, although her primary attacker is the dude shown above - commonly known by fans (this series has fans?) as the "Toad" Ghoulie.  The action smash cuts to Ned, now drunk and performing some of his old-school magic tricks.  The Ghoulies show up, and the crusty old geezer becomes convinced that he's managed to perform "real" magic and call up demons.  I've got to say that Dano is also pretty damn likable in this movie - he's got kind of an M. Emmet Walsh vibe.  I can't say the same for Damon Martin.  He tries and everything, and maybe it's because he's got a nice old man and a dwarf surrounding him, but the dude is just very forgettable.  Sorry, Damon.

We get an...unforgettable sequence inside Satan's Den, as two bastard kids and a group of cool '80s rebels go inside to explore.  It's also worth noting that the group of teens consists of two perfectly happy hot couples...and Bill Butler!  Bill is a personal favorite of mine, having appeared in Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood and Texas Chain Saw Massacre III, and as one of the select few group of humans who can recognize this guy from sight, I can report that he owns every role he's in.  Since he is our resident dork character, he makes our next victim, as the Ghoulies stretch him out on a torture rack and slice him in two with a guillotine.

This section of the movie also shows us the power of the "Rat" ghoulie - a creature who kinda-sorta looks like Splinter and vomits adhesive green glop on people.  To demonstrate this, just before Butler eats it, he covers one of the happier couples in the slime, causing them to become eternally stuck with their mouths intertwined and with the guy groping the girl's tits.  Yup. 

From here, we get one of the most wonderful scenes in movie history.  People begin flocking to Satan's Den after hearing about the Ghoulies from the bastard kids, and they are treated to some show once inside.  They catch the Ghoulies in the act of mummifying Bill Butler (and man, just typing those words made me all kinds of giddy), then begin chanting "Rats!" at the Ghoulies in an attempt to get them to...I don't know what.  Just to oblige the crowd, two of the creatures - "Rat" Ghoulie and the de facto leader of the group whom I'll refer to as "Mogwai" Ghoulie - slap hands, causing the denizens to erupt in cheers.  It's way more glorious than it sounds, believe me.

It's here where the string of amazingness comes to an end, as old man Ned gets offed in an extended (read: never-ending) scene where he realizes the error of his ways and attempts to conjure up some kind of demon-eliminating spell.  I've got to say that this move was a bit of a surprise; Ned was a pretty likable character, and normally, in horror movies, the crusty old guy is safe.  Oh, well. 

Well, this causes Larry to go into all sorts of depression - for all of a minute.  The next morning, he has a conversation with an until-this-point completely inconsequential character named Nicole, whom Phil Hardin had been attempting to woo earlier in the film.  Nicole, played by Kerry Remsen, is one of the carnival's belly dancers, and we get our movie's two-minute romance subplot as she relates this tragic past story about how she used to be a tightrope walker and saw her brother die in a horrific accident.  Or something.  It ends with Larry shoving his tongue down Nicole's throat, so mission accomplished.  From this point forward, Nicole is heavily featured, so get used to her and her sterling acting skills (/sarcasm) from this point forward.

Inside Satan's Den (I never get tired of typing that), Sir Nigel sees the Ghoulies firsthand, and eventually so does Larry.  This does nothing to persuade Phil, already stricken with greed over the spook house's newfound success, as the attraction remains open.  There's this whole fascinating bit where the Ghoulies attempt to slice another park-goer in half before they are stopped by the carnival's Strongman and Rajah-fortune teller guy.  It's here where Hardin fully embraces being the all-out dick that you suspected he was at the beginning, sensing the money to be made from these creatures and offering a thousand bucks for anyone who brings him one of the Ghoulies alive.

And, the Ghoulies have escaped from Satan's Den, which means that this movie has officially entered its "s**t hits the fan" stage.  The Ghoulies wreak havoc on the carnival, causing a bunch of accidents and even a couple random explosions.  Not one of the better s**t hitting the fan sequences I've seen, but it gets the job done.

With that, it's time for Hardin to get his comeuppance.  He goes through some kind of metaphysical transformation first, realizing the pain and destruction that his greed has caused in a metamorphosis that would make any screenwriter piss himself.  However, amidst all the chaos, amazingly, he doesn't forget that nature is calling.  He retreats to one of the carnival's bathrooms, and...yeah.

Karma's a bitch, ain't it, Phil?

I'm going to play like Vince Russo and break kayfabe here - it's Saturday morning as I'm typing this, and my weekly Saturday morning headache is starting to get unbearable, so let's wrap this up quickly.  Our remaining heroes - Larry, Nicole, and Nigel - attempt to stop the Ghoulies, but nothing seems to work.  Nigel hits upon the idea to "fight fire with fire" and use magic.  Lo and behold, it works, as a massive, behemoth-ified version of the green "hobgoblin" Ghoulie pops forth from the dirt and promptly eats all of the other Ghoulies. 

Only, now our heroes are left with this big beast to contend with.  Thinking quickly, they hide a stick of dynamite inside Nigel's gorilla suit and toss it to the big lug.  And he eats it.  And he explodes. 

The day after (or something resembling it), Larry and Nicole head out on the open road, already madly in love after their two-hour courtship, and Larry leaves the spook house in the hands of Nigel.  All things told, another mega-happy ending...at least until the camera pans over to the men's bathroom, and we hear the familiar giggly laughter.  Yup - the miniature "hobgoblin" toilet Ghoulie is still alive.  The screen fades to black...and we are then treated to an unexpected bonus in the form of the admittedly awesome song "Scream Until You Like It" by W.A.S.P. as the end credits tick by.

What more do you really need to know about this movie?  Do you really need me to pass judgment on it?  Well, let's see what else I can conjure up.  The tone for this sequel is VERY different from what the original movie gave is - in addition to the vastly different villain cast, it's also a lot more lighthearted in nature.  In my humble opinion - it was the right move.  The comedy in this movie may not be laugh-out-loud funny, but it's amusing most of the time.  The "rats!" bit alone is worth whatever it costs to buy a used DVD copy of this film.  I paid $2.98.  It's well worth that. 

More than anything else, Phil Fondacaro is a riot in this movie as SIR (capitalized because he corrects any and everyone who calls him MISTER repeatedly in this film) Nigel.  In a movie where more than a few people phone it in, Fondacaro invests as much heart, soul and spirit as his diminuitive frame can muster, and it shows.  Every time he's on screen, Ghoulies II becomes a better movie.  You've got to hand it to any movie that can make a Shakespeare-quoting, somewhat pretentious dwarf its most likable character, but that's what we get, and Nigel makes some hero.

What else am I missing?  Oh yeah - the fact that this movie features creature effects from John Carl Buechler, a pretty well-known makeup/FX guru in the horror field.  He is the man responsible for the makeup on movies like Nightmare on Elm Street 4 and Prison as well as the director of Friday the 13th Part VII (and I've got to hand it to the guy for remembering Bill Butler when casting that film).  He's not quite Tom Savini, but he's pretty damn good - any time you see his name in the credits, get ready for some awesome hand-made creature effects.  It's a shame that this movie was rated PG-13; I would have loved to have seen a bit more red stuff flying around with Buechler behind the scenes.

That should about wrap it up.  If you liked the first Ghoulies...eh, you might not like this one, since they're almost unrecognizable as far as being from the same series.  But hell, I liked it.  That should be enough.

*** 1/2 out of ****.  Highly recommended for my fellow horror fans.