Critters - a movie about carnivorous intergalactic beasts that the whole family can enjoy!

Careful - what you're about to watch might actually be a pretty decent movie.  Critters was one of my absolute favorite movies as a child.  It didn't occupy QUITE the same cool quotient that Gizmo and his cohorts occupied, but few movies around that time period did. 

It cannot be overstated just how big of an effect Gremlins had on my life; it is the first movie that I actually remember watching, and ranked respectably on the auspicious list of video titles that I would bore my parents to tears with due to repeated viewings.  How repeated?  Along with Ghostbusters, the somewhat gruesome yet somehow also family-friendly saga of Billy Peltzer and his Mogwai companion was one of only two movies that my mother ever TOOK AWAY for an extended period of time just to get me to stop watching the damn thing.  Now that is some kind of powerful mental hold.

At any rate, sometime in 1990, I saw an ad for this movie called Critters that was about to be broadcast on local TV, and like the misguided bat that I am, I immediately flocked to the channel.  I don't know what it was that these movies about fuzzy and/or freaky-looking demon puppets that fascinated me so much.  Maybe it was because seeing 1' snarling dwarven creatures scream obscenities in subtitles was all kinds of amusing to a six-year-old.  Maybe the effects, consisting of honest stop-motion movement and simple puppetry, pounced on me way harder than anything George Lucas' best visual effects wizards could dream up.  Or maybe I just liked that there were monsters up on the screen terrorizing entire cities who were smaller than me.  It's up for debate, but my money is on the latter.

Some background information - at the time of its release, a lot of people wrote Critters off as nothing more than a Gremlins ripoff, but in actuality, the script had been written BEFORE the Spielberg-produced blockbuster entered production.  Furthermore, it was tweaked even more in the two years between Gremlins and this film's April of 1986 release date, focusing a bit more on the "alien bounty hunter" aspect of the story than it did originally.  Considering that these dudes occupy many of the flick's most hilarious moments (however unintentional they may be), I feel safe reporting this was a good move.

The man behind the director's chair is Stephen Herek, a guy who has actually done some pretty successful movies that I dare say everyone has heard of in the years since Critters, including Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, The Mighty Ducks, Mr. Holland's Opus, Rock Star and, proving his deft hand at dealing with an evil force that no Crite could ever hope to contend with, directing the man who will one day (sigh) be the head of the world's largest pro wrestling company in The Chaperone.  

And, after 4 1/2 paragraphs of essentially nothing, that about wraps up the introduction.

THE MOVIE!!

The opening segment of the movie takes place in some faraway galaxy, where a small population of the Critters - known as "Crites" within the confines of this film - are being transported to a prison asteroid.  Within short order, they escape, causing one of the benevolent aliens in charge of the prison operation (who admittedly looks AWESOME considering that the budget of this film was two million bucks) to hire out a pair of bounty hunters to track them down.  We haven't seen the crites yet, but if these blank-green-faced big dudes with really, really big guns are after them, they're obviously trouble.

And, just like that, we're back on Earth.  Much like Gremlins, the flick strongly features a kid as one of the central protagonists.  This is always a very dicey issue for horror movie directors - on one hand, a kid in peril generally makes for a bit higher drama than we're used to with these types of films.  On the other hand, some kid actors are really, really annoying.  For his part, Scott Grimes - the man who now does the voice of Steve Smith on American Dad! - manages to be a fairly engaging kid in peril.  He's a sneaky, Bart Simpson-esque character who likes to shoot off fireworks and shoot his sister in the ass with slingshots, constantly raising the ire of his strict father.  It comes off as way more likable than it sounds, believe me.

We're also introduced to the rest of the hero characters - mechanic dad Jay (Billy Green Bush), token slutty character and daughter April (Nadine Van Der Velde), and the guy pictured with Brad above, alcoholic family friend Charlie (Don Opper).  In one of the most baffling decisions that any horror franchise has ever made, it's frickin' CHARLIE of all people who would show up in all four movies in the series, turning into the de facto main protagonist by the end.  In this movie, he's essentially comic relief who really isn't that comic, but other than the moments focused on him, these mundane early scenes do their job - they get you to feel for a somewhat ordinary family about to be faced with somewhat dire circumstances. 

Before we dive further into the abyss, I also need to report that Charlie is involved in this subplot throughout the film where he is convinced that aliens have been trying to contact him for years, and spends a whole lot of tedious airtime crying out to the sky that he was right all along once he sees some actual, live, honest-to-christ REAL aliens.  However, this aspect of the flick repeatedly goes nowhere, so I'll spare you the details.  Trust me, I'm doing you a favor.

Oh, and one more thing - the mother of the family, named Helen, is played by Dee Wallace Stone, someone who truly deserves to be inducted into some kind of horror hall of fame.  She was aces in the Joe Dante werewolf classic The Howling (a flick that, for my money, was loads better than the incredibly overrated An American Werewolf in London), as well as playing the heroine in Cujo and working with Steven f**king Spielberg himself in a little movie about a very different type of alien than the one featured in this film.  You may have heard of that one.

Meanwhile, in space, the bounty hunters - named Ug and Lee (clever, I know) - have tracked the crites to Earth.  Since it would be somewhat conspicuous for two shapeless, glowy-green faced aliens to walk around, they must take a form familiar to the people of Earth.  One of them molds his look after a fictional cock rocker named Johnny Steele (Terrence Mann) - and it's so much more glorious when we get to see the complete accompanying music video first.  Now, it is a catchy song and everything, but heed my warning that you will be sick TO DEATH of it by the time you finish watching this movie.  By my count, they play snippets of it on four separate occasions.  Streets are calling, indeed.

Anyway, time for this movie's plot to (finally) get rolling.  April - who despite her magenta-colored jeans is actually quite the looker - brings a new boyfriend home.  Most amazing?  New boyfriend is played by Billy "Jerkass Guy from Titanic" Zane.  After eating dinner at the brown household, Zane (and yeah, his name is "Steve" in the screenplay, but I refuse to call him anything else) is coerced by April into heading out to the cozy family barn for some rolling around in the hay foreplay.  One thing that struck me about this movie instantly after discovering it all these years later - you can DEFINITELY tell that they were shooting for a family audience with Critters, because (a) there's no nudity in this scene, and (b) this is the LONGEST "make out/foreplay" scene in movie history.  The action cuts away numerous times from this, and, all added up, this probably goes on for 15 minutes.  Yikes.  What a teaser that April is.

Somewhere in the countryside, the crites (finally) land in a nearby field, and promptly make their first kill - the dopey local deputy.  It isn't a very creative murder, although we get some semblance of their prowess.  They can roll up into little balls and shoot "poison quills" at unsuspecting foes that render them helpless and/or unconscious.  Gather up a bunch of these things together, and you might have enough for an '80s horror movie. 

The plot continues to unspool as the crites make their way toward the Brown residence, immediately cutting the power and trapping Jay, Helen, and Scott inside.  One of them has already made himself at home in the basement, royally roughing up Jay as we finally get an obscured look at them.  Amazingly enough, we're about halfway through the movie by this point, and we still haven't really seen them - the picture above is pretty much the extent of it.  They DO come across as very menacing due to these fleeting glimpses, however - rows of big, snarling teeth combined with rolling power and the ability to snarl obscenities via the magic of subtitles.  Yup.

The flick's bodycount soon rises just above the minimum standard for a horror film, as one of the crites interrupts the AFOREMENTIONED longest makeout scene in movie history.  Since this IS a family horror film and the slutty-yet-virtuous daughter is off limits, that means that it's curtain time for Zane, baby.  THIS death is a bit more entertaining, as we are treated to the sight of the Phantom getting his finger bitten off before the thing attacks and eats his stomach, accompanied by a whole lot of girly screaming.  Anyway, Brad runs in and saves the day by throwing a firecracker at the hungry crite, who promptly eats it and collapses after it explodes.

Have I mentioned that we've been treated to a bunch of comedic skits involving the bounty hunters searching for the crites?  Well, we have.  This aspect of the movie is actually loads of fun.  One would expect the film-makers to take a serious approach with these guys, but instead of being badass alien trackers, they're essentially trigger-happy goofballs who like to blow stuff up just because they can.  My favorite involves Ug (the guy who transformed into Terrence Mann/Johnny Steele) picking up a bowling ball and casually flinging it toward a group of pins with such velocity that it shatters said pins.  One of the better "WTF" moments in the realm of horror, I must say.

The Brown family make their way back inside the house, where the movie essentially calms down a little bit and becomes Night of the Living Dead with little rolling balls of doom in the place of zombies.  While Jay, Helen and April fend off attacks from the crites inside the house, Brad makes a run for it, eventually making his way to the bounty hunters and setting us up for the final showdown.

As far as final showdowns go, it's not too shabby, either.  We finally get to see Ug and Lee blast a few of the crites to smithereens with their gigantic energy weapons, and the makeup effects don't skimp on the details.  There's lots of exploding chunks and splattery crite gore to be had in this movie.  It's only in the human death where we kind of get screwed.  The movie also doesn't disappoint in the action aspect, as Ug and Lee blow the holy hell out of the Brown residence during the shootout.  Thus, again - Michael Bay and Stephen Summers take note.  THIS is how you make the most of your budget.

Anyway, upon the arrival of the hunters, the crites roll back to their ship to regroup while the largest of them kidnaps April.  I don't know - do you really need me to spell out that the good guys win?  Well, they do.  Brad sneaks into the ship and rescues April, and after escaping, he and Charlie get the honorary "ultimate savior" honors, throwing a homemade molotov cocktail concocted from Charlie's whiskey that he (constantly) carts around onboard.  And...that's pretty much it.  The crites take off, they blow up the Brown household just because they can, and their ship explodes, presumably killing all furry, toothy monsters onboard. 

I also need to point out that Critters contains one of the best denounments in horror history.  The bounty hunters give Brad - having already adopted him as a surrogate little brother after spending all of ten minutes of screen time with him - this sort of magical walkie-talkie item, with Ug/Johnny Steele smiling one of the goofiest movie smiles of all time and telling our hero to "call him sometime."  As they walk away, Charlie - sick of being a laughingstock and a loser on Earth - follows them and asks them if they need a good mechanic.  It is played off in a manner that suggests mere comic relief, but since freakin' Charlie is a full-fledged bounty hunter in the next movie, apparently the application process for being an intergalatic asskicker is easier than I think. 

The icing on the cake?  We get yet another Wayne's World-approved Mega Happy Ending (man, I'm on quite a roll of upbeat horror films lately) as the Browns return to their ruined house.  On a whim, Brad presses the button on the bounty hunters' remote control device, causing their home to be rebuilt piece-by-piece in reverse stop motion.  Everyone is a better person, life is grand, and we've still got a whole host of crite eggs residing in the barn to set up possible sequels in the event that this film makes a decent return on its modest investment.  Which it did.

Final judgment: Since I'm already well aware that this review has been mammoth-sized, I'll try and make this brief.  There are some horror movies that just appeal better to kids and kid-hearted than they do to cynical adults, and this is one of them.  It's got a very different vibe from the vast majority of horror films out there, and while I don't hold it in quite the same high regard as that movie about Billy, Gizmo and Stripe that I watched over and over long ago, I still think Critters is a pretty damn fine horror movie that, yes, the whole famly can enjoy.  I love the honest, hand-made special effects, the simple country-bumpin likable characters, and the unapologetic get-right-to-the-point plot.  It appealed to me as an seven-year-old kid who liked scary flicks involving freaky-looking puppets, and it still appeals to me now.

*** 1/2 out of **** - loads of fun and highly recommended.