F13 Megareview: "Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday" (1993, Adam Marcus)

In all honesty, I really don't know where to begin with "Jason Goes to Hell." You've got to hand it to any movie that has the balls to actively and frequently take everything that the series had been known for up until this point and do a complete 180, but at some level, the "Friday the 13th" formula was fine just the way it was. It lived and died in the '80s, at least according to this reporter. It was just fine being a cheesy remnant of that glorious decade, and nothing less than the sum of all slasher parts. Or something. I at least TRY to make my paragraphs look long so that readers think that they may be substantive on some level. Since many of you are probably just glossing over this review anyway, I enjoy hardcore porn and your mother frequently has a starring role in them. What?

Well, I'm sure that you're all just begging to know how the F13 series passed from the slasher-riffic '80s in the ironic '90s, but the truth is...well, the only truth I know is that Paramount let the series go and New Line Cinema, also the owners of a certain razor-gloved serial killer franchise, picked it up. A four-year gap in movies occurred between this flick and its predecessor, "Friday the 13th Part VIII," leaving a lot of fans of the series to wonder if Jason had indeed been drowned for good at the climax of that particular movie. Alas, it was not to be. He WAS resurrected twice more in "official" sequels to the Paramount series, although pidgeonholing these movies into the "Friday the 13th" chronology (which is so confounding that it really requires its own separate set of essays) is some kind of unenviable task.

This movie was overseen, once again, by Sean S. Cunningham, the man responsible for bringing F13 to the world in the first place. In a Vince Russo-esque twist, he came back to the series with the same high-minded and elitist viewpoint that many directors seem to have when one of their movies turns into the long-winded horror franchise. Namely, he looked down on it. The flick was written and directed by a newcomer named Adam Marcus, freshly graduated from film school, and Cunningham's only instruction to Marcus was to "get Jason the hell out of that hockey mask." Regardless of everything else that happens in this movie, yes, Marcus did indeed deliver on that part of the job description.

Egads, this is some weird movie. At the time, it WAS intended as the final, end-all denounment of the series; the movies had already seen a "Final Chapter" and a four-year gap between sequels, so props to the creators for the title on this one. Indeed, it was powerful enough that his next resurrection wouldn't come for nine years this time. In this one, however, we don't get Jason Voorhees as we know and love him. Rather, we get Jason Voorhees in the form of a coroner, a police officer, and a whole host of other nonsensical characters. Basically, "Jason Goes to Hell" is "Friday the 13th" meets "The Hidden." Or at least that's what they tell me. I've never seen "The Hidden," but I hate this movie, so I'm allowed to quote anonymous movie-based forum posters in their derision of this flick, right? In addition to that, it's got a whole bunch of nonsensical and downright hilarious stuff happening within its bite-sized 100-or-so-minute running time, so allow me to recap.

The movie at least gets points for its opening. Typical "Friday the 13th" hot counselor-type hangs out at a decidedly Crystal Lake-y campsite for a while before being attacked by Jason, the man. She runs in typical horror heroine fashion, but in reality, that panic is all there for a purpose, baby. She lures Jason out into a clearing in the forest, at which point approximately 50,000 armed soldiers open fire on the poor guy and blow him to smithereens. We just met an FBI agent posing as your typical F13 siren, so get used to some of the baffling switcheroos that this movie pulls on you.

The remains of Jason (I can't believe I just typed those four words) get taken to a nearby morgue, where KANE HODDER IN NON-JASON FORM is one of the FBI guards. And what happens here? Why - the most logical thing, of course, as the AFOREMENTIONED coroner gets possessed by the evil spirit of Jason and goes on a kill-crazy rampage, eventually heading back toward Crystal Lake itself in search of his long-lost cousin, whom he must kill in order to preserve his reign of terror forever. Lots of s**ts and giggles all around, I tells ya.

To say that this was a jarring switch for diehard F13 fans is the understatement of the century. I have no problem with film-makers taking an established entertainment venue in a new direction, but come on, guys, this is Jason Freakin' Voorhees we're talking about. Not only did they take the hockey mask out of the beloved series, they even took Kane Hodder out of the series with the exception of the introductory and closing scenes. When you've got the absolute BEST guy who's ever played your iconic role in your movie, a guy who not only brings a fresh portrayal to the silent role but is a huge fan of the character's lore and history as well, you use him. With much due respect to the guy who created my favorite horror series, Mr. Cunningham, WHAT were you thinking?

What other vital, important pieces of movie history are there to tell you about? Oh, right - the horror aspect of this horror movie. To be sure, there's plenty of murder fodder found within "JGTH." But the fact of the matter is that the vast majority of what goegs on in this flick is just downright BORING. The "Friday the 13th" films were many things before this movie came out, but boring was never among them. This movie is an experiment in controlled tedium, in which a whole slew of secondary characters that aren't even interesting enough to get an official secondary character rolodex get trotted out before us. Well, except for the police officer who gets shaved by Coroner-Jason in perhaps the most homoerotic scene in motion picture history. That's a very...interesting scene.

Our hero characters in this go-round are something else, as well. There's Creighton Duke, played by Steven "Mr. X" Williams, a bounty hunter on the trail of Mr. J who gives us the classic line "you could have had the Duker!" Williams has always been a favorite of mine, in everything from "Twilight Zone: The Movie" to "Blues Brothers" to "X-Files," and here he's just as charismatic. Virtually the only guy in the entire movie who doesn't just phone it on, he steals every scene that he's in.

Unfortunately, none of the other characters are even worth mentioning - including our main protagonist and antagonist. Surprisingly, I found myself incredibly apathetic to the story presented in this movie. I understand that many people don't watch these flicks for the story, and at a base level I don't either; however, I do expect at least some sort of investment in a slasher flick, and sadly the only investment I had with "JGTH" was when Steven Williams would turn up on screen again to take me away from the Land of Tedium (just a door over from the Land of the Lost - bah dum bah). That can really sum up the whole movie - it's got moments of brief loudness that interrupt us from the boring, one-note stuff happening onscreen that do little more than lull us out of our stupors. It really does little more than just reinforce my opinion that "Jason Takes Manhattan" should have been the final movie in the series. "Friday the 13th" lived in the '80s, and in the mind of the Horror Nerd, died there as well.

F13 Megareview: "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan" (1989, Rob Hedden)

Before I delve into the epicness that is "Jason Takes Manhattan," a bit of rhapsodical waxing on just how we got to this point.

The "Friday the 13th" phenomenon was, in my humble opinion, the single biggest news-worthy story in the history of the horror genre. It is the equivalent of the coming of Babe Ruth and his mammoth home run hitting seasons throughout the 1920s, and its effect on the sport of baseball. Until Cunningham's original movie came along, horror flicks with more risque content - particularly when it came to gore and nudity - were typically relegated to drive-in or rock-and-roll movie status. Read, not headliners. "Friday the 13th" changed all that, and not only were all of its sequels big-time events trotted out by Paramount studios on a yearly basis throughout the awesome '80s, but the countless like-minded slasher flicks hoping to cash in on its formula were, as well. While the "Nightmare on Elm Street" franchise would eventually top its box office clout, however, the F13 series was the ever-present albatross of '80s horror, and when I think of that most magical decade, I think of Prince, Madonna, Ron Reagan and Jason Freakin' Voorhees.

So now we're up to 1989. We started with the dawn of the decade, and now we've reached the end, and lo and behold Jason is still well-alive and kicking (actually, undead and kicking would be more accurate, but bear with me, here). While every film in the series had turned a profit from their miniscule budgets, the series had been going through a downward spiral of diminishing returns for quite some time. "Friday the 13th Part III" and "Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter" were hugely successful films, grossing more than $30 million from their production budgets of less than $5 million. Each successive film did less business, with "Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood" raking in the lowest take out of any film in the series. It was also the last movie in the series (well, until the remake, anyway) to be done in the traditional F13 style - set in Crystal Lake, plenty of forest chases, and gore aplenty. Thus, the heads at Paramount were pretty open to listening to some suggestions about a fresh direction to take the series.

Enter Rob Hedden, a young, enthusiastic writer working on "Friday the 13th: The Series" (don't get excited - it had nothing to do with the movie series that you've read about for almost two months now). Paramount liked Hedden, liked his contributions to the series, and liked the possibilities of a Hedden-helmed F13 film. His idea, in turn, was to take the series out of Crystal Lake for the first time. And if you're thinking different, you might as well think big, as well - so why not New York City?

On paper, I still think this was a fantastic idea. In Hedden's original script, there were scenes set at the Empire State Building, Madison Square Garden and Central Park, with two-thirds of the action taking place in Manhattan itself (the first third would take place on a cruise ship, with Captain Hockey Mask stowing away with a group of vacationing high schoolers bound for the Apple). And then the reality of the budget came crashing down on ol' Robby...

This is one of the most chastised entries in the entire series, and for good reason. For starters, it's barely "Jason Takes Manhattan." It's Jason Takes the Ship. The simple version of the story is this - despite this film being granted the highest budget in the entire series, it was still peanuts by the standards of studio execs who practically regurgitate money just because they can, and it simply wouldn't allow for much time - at all - to be spent in NYC. In the end, Hedden and crew only shot ONE SCENE in the city itself - the all-too-brief scenes in Times Square. The rest of the "city" scenes were shot in Vancouver, and the ominous cruise ship serves as our main site of chaos.

In addition, this movie feels absolutely raped by the MPAA. "Jason Takes Manhattan" is BY FAR the least visceral movie in the entire series. Today, this movie could have gotten a PG-13 rating with no problem, but things were a little more controlled back then. For this reason and the previous one, fans love to heap bile at this particular movie, but you know what? I actually like it.

So enough high-minded criticism - on to the fun that is "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan," in my mind the last TRUE F13 movie.

For starters, I love the opening scene, as young lovers Jim and Suzy travel down the river that apparently connects Crystal Lake to the great big ol' Ocean, and Jim pauses in their makeout session long enough to relate the tender, tragic legend of Jason to his hot little girlfriend. One can get the sense fairly early on that Paramount thought that this was indeed going to be the LAST friggin' Friday movie; it's a nice moment of nostalgia that reminds us of the cultural impact and meaning that F13 had throughout the '80s. Of course, one hokey resurrection scene later (and wait until you see this one - it's laugh-out-loud ludicrous and awesome at the same time) and Jason LIVES AGAIN! A few minutes later we've got our two first kills, and then Jason makes his way toward the AFOREMENTIONED ocean...

...Where the Crystal Lake seniors are about to embark on a class trip to New York City, and are taking the world's unluckiest luxury liner to said city. Our star character this time around is Rennie (Jensen Daggett), a girl with a fear of water like I fear grasshoppers (and I hate the little bastards), which affords us some fantastic character depth as Rennie learns to overcome her fears. OK, it's not that deep, but it did give us the standard-issue "demonize a couple characters so that we can root for Jason for a little while" scenes as a couple of the dislikable automatons on the screen push/prod our heroine into the water that she hates so much. Of course, Rennie is also the only virginal one, so she takes the honors this time around for being the honorary Jason slayer.

There's a couple other noteworthy characters - one is McCulloch, played by Peter Mark Richman. Richman is absolutely fantastic in the role, giving us an awesome sleazebag performance that might actually top Terry Kiser's role in the previous film. When Jason tips this guy upside down and holds him in a vat of acid, you will stand up and cheer. This guy is a scuzzball. He's also Rennie's legal guardian, and is one of the AFOREMENTIONED assholes responsible for Rennie's water phobia.

What else am I missing? Oh yeah - Rennie has a tragic past involving Jason that is every bit as confusing as Dana Kimmell's rape-ambiguous interlude with Jason in "Friday the 13th Part III," and there's all sorts of weird crap where Rennie sees hallucinations of Jason - in child form, no less - calling out for mommy before adult, undead zombie terminator Jason rounds the corner looking for her.

I know that a lot of what you read above makes this sound like a terrible movie, and you're right. By the standards of stuffy English majors, this is indeed quite the craptacular flick, but I can overlook those flaws. It definitely doesn't rank as the best of the series, but I believe that Rob Hedden accomplished what he wanted to with this film. It took the series out of Crystal Lake. It felt very FRESH compared to the previous "zombie Jason" films. And it also would have made a very nice capper for the series itself, as in the closing moments of this film Jason drowns once again. While Jason's actions in his death scene are the subject of much controversy and debate, I believe it to be quite the effective little moment. Jason is dead and gone. He can't ever come back. You're probably sick of me harping on it, but this was the end of the '80s (the decade this series had owned), the series was waning in popularity, and it appeared like a good time to END this godforsaken thing. I, for one, think this would have been the ideal.

Of course, this movie has one more thing going for it - Kane "The Machine" Hodder, who made history in this movie by being the first man to play Jason more than once. He would play the role twice more after this film, and for good reason - his mannerisms, walk, and actions during kill scenes are simply without equal. Hodder IS Jason. He understood the character, liked the character, and took what was an emotionless robot until his arrival and game him a personality. Sure, the Jason facial make-up in this movie may suck, but at least it's good to know that a man you admire is behind said sucky makeup, right?

F13 Megareview: "Friday the 13th Part VII - The New Blood" (1988, John Cael Buechler)

Ugh, another "Friday the 13th" review? I'm really coming to regret the day that I agreed to tackle this series one at a time. My eyes are starting to bleed, and I hear the stupid "ki ki ki ma ma ma" thing in my sleep. The days are starting to blend together, not unlike some nightmarish reality in a David Lynch film. Only this series features directors who, by and large, did nothing after their turn at the Jason Voorhees table. Can you tell that this review is going to be pretty scatterbrained?

Perhaps the most depressing thing is that I'm just now crossing the HALFWAY POINT with this friggin' series. Yes, folks, there's three more official sequels after this one...AND THEN...the long-awaited throwdown between Jason and everyone's favorite claw-handed miscrient Freddy Krueger...AND THEN...last year's remake tour-de-force from Michael Bay's production team which, also ironically, is my favorite thing ever associated with the Antichrist himself. Just thought I'd give everyone a little head's up, in case anyone's wondering just when the hell this thing will be over.

Alright, so where we? Oh, right - "The New Blood," which has got to be one of the most nondescript titles ever given to a horror sequel. The New Blood what? One can argue that every single "Friday" sequel ever produced featured new blood in the form of prime new pieces of hot teenage ass lining up to get sliced by our hockey-masked hero, but I digress. The story has been repeated many times, but this movie came out in the summer of 1988, when pop culture was getting rocked by the AFOREMENTIONED wisecracking antihero Freddy Krueger, whose "Nightmare on Elm Street" films were leaving the old stalwart "Friday the 13th" films in the box office dust. So, what was the low-budget, lowly slasher series to do? Obviously craft a movie where the two icons met and have THEIR hero beat that burned Sam Kinison once and for all. Alas, it was not to be, as the two studios (New Line Cinema owned the "ANOES" series) couldn't agree on a script that made both characters look strong. Thus began the long, long, incredibly long history of the "Freddy vs. Jason" film project, which was first talked about in earnest way back then and continued well into the 21st century. I swear, when I walked into the theater that sweltery August day of 2003, I briefly had to thank my personal deity for finally pulling the creators' heads out of their asses and allowing them to spend three months of reasonably productive time together to finally put the f***ing thing on film.

So, "Freddy vs. Jason" circa 1988 was scrapped, so what did we get? Plan B - Jason vs. Carrie. Pretty much the entirety of this film can be summed up with those three words. The plot is pure "Friday the 13th" moronicness all the way around, but coming from someone who will be there on opening day for every "Friday the 13th" film that ever gets released, I can't say that I blame the creators for their lack of originality. So, do you really want to know what the plot is? A group of nubile, attractive teens/college students shows up next to Crystal Lake, now curiously reverting back to its original name after its "Forest Green" renaming in the previous movie, where Jason springs back to life, kills a bunch of them, and eventually is destroyed by the Final Girl. That, in essence, is your plot.

To its credit, "The New Blood" does throw a few interesting wrinkles into the formula. For starters, this movie has a very detestable human villain in the form of Terry Kiser's Dr. Crews character. When this guy gets it from Jason, you stand up and cheer - it's that satisfying of a moment. See, the movie's main character is a telekinetic young girl named Tina (Lar Park Lincoln), who accidentally killed her father as a child and has lived with insane guilt ever since. Sensing the power within the girl, Crews poses as a sympathetic soul trying to help her, but really is only trying to use her for his own monetary gain (in the form of books, reports, and what not). It's certainly a nice twist and a fresh spin on the usual "F13" formula, I'll give them that, and actually makes it a bit logical that our final girl is away at Crystal Lake, seeing as Mr. Evil Psychologist took her back there as it's the site of the infamous father killing, and thus is "part of her therapy."

What else am I missing? Oh, right - this is the first movie in the series with Kane Hodder, Mr. Awesome himself, as Jason. Up until this point, big J had been played by a different stuntman/actor in every film, but Hodder did such an amazing job with this film that he would reprise the role three times after this film, making him easily the most prolific man ever to don the jumpsuit and grab the machete. Much like Robert Englund does with Freddy, and Takako Fuji does with Kayako of "Ju-On"/"Grudge" fame, Hodder took a role and completely made it his own, giving Jason a truly imposing menace, gait, and even EMOTING through the pounds of goddamn makeup that he is required to convincingly play a monster. As such, the Jason in this go-round is extremely pissed off and angry (and if you listen to the DVD commentary on this beast, you'll get more than a few gut-busting stories from Hodder himself about how various actors were terrified of him on the set). In short, Hodder deserves all the praise that hardcore F13 fans heap on him, so five gold stars for Saint Kane.

In addition, I also have to give a major shout-out to director John Carl Buechler for his handling of the Jason makeup within this film. Buechler was a noted horror makeup master before landing the director's chair on this film, and it shows. It was his idea to give the Jason of "New Blood" every bit of battle damage that he had absorbed throughout the "Friday the 13th" films, and it's a real treat for the series' hardcore fans to spot all of the wounds and give the reference to any poor unfortunate soul sitting beside them on the couch. The axe shot from "Friday the 13th Part III," the machete-to-the-head from the finale of "The Final Chapter," not to mention the years spent at the bottom of Crystal Lake following the previous movie...it's all accounted for and visually referenced throughout the course of this movie, granting the Jason character a truly mythic status, and signifying to us fans that SOMEBODY at the helm of a movie in the franchise believed in the character enough to call him something other than a camp icon.

However, in the end, this is a movie that has to stand on the merits of what is on the screen, and if you've read any of my manifestos, you know that the Horror Nerd gets his rocks off based on emotional response to said films...and in this regard, this movie is a big letdown. All of the previous movies in the series (with the exception of the woeful "New Beginning") had elicited SOME emotional reaction from yours truly, be it because I identified with a character, or a death was particularly meaningful, or I just really, really thought Jason was badass. This movie, though, is pretty blase. While Tina is a fairly deep character, she isn't played particularly well by Lincoln. Obviously, the movie is building up to a showdown between these two characters, and while the special effects and action scenes in this movie's "Final Girl" sequence are electric, I wasn't terribly involved in it. The secondary characters are vanilla at best, and overall, I just found myself very indifferent toward the maelstrom of decay (credit "The Road Warrior" for that line) found within this movie. Well, except for Heidi Kozak and her amazing body. Her skinny-dipping scene has gotten a hearty workout from my DVD player.

Final verdict: good, definitely a solid '80s slasher film, but definitely not as good as the earlier "Human Jason" films, or the highly underrated "Part VI," for that matter. One final note of praise for this film, though: the sleeping bag kill is awesome. Still easily my favorite death in the history of the "Friday the 13th" franchise.:)

F13 Megareview: "Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives" (1986, Tom McLoughlin)

For all three of you who have been following this series of reviews like obedient lapdogs, you're no doubt wondering if I've got any more fascinating behind-the-scenes stories to tell you about the creative direction that the "Friday the 13th" franchise was going to take with this particular film. I don't. The reason? From this point on, the series is pretty straightforward.

In fact, some fans feel that the remainder of the F13 films after the black sheep of "A New Beginning" is pretty monatonous, and this is a nitpicky-but-true complaint. Speaking as someone who hopes to write movies for a living someday, I can't say that I blame the powers-that-be in charge of the series; the fans absolutely HATED "New Beginning." It's perfectly understandable that the ensuing writers in the series were gun shy, wanting to cater to the tried-and-true "Jason flick" status quo that was on the verge of being radically tampered with.

If you'll recall, the previous two films in the series seemed to be building up toward a reinvention for the tired "Friday the 13th" model. Jason officially died in "Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter," leading to an impostor killer in 1985's "Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning." The arc seemed to be clearly leaning toward introducing the Tommy Jarvis character as the killer in the series, leaving Mr. Voorhees in the dust forever. As I explained last week, this was not to be; horror fans were used to Jason, wanted him back, and basically ordered Paramount to bring our favorite hockey-masked psycho back from the grave. Long story short, Paramount obliged.

Having said all that, I have to admit that "Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives" is some kind of fun movie. It was written and directed by a guy named Tom McLoughlin, a highly arty mind with a background in Gothic horror, a huge fan of the series, and a creative writer basically given carte blanche to do what he wanted with the series, with only two guidelines: (1) Jason had to come back, and (2) don't make fun of the big guy, as McLoughlin had told series producer Frank Mancuso that he wanted to interject more humor into the proceedings. Following these guidelines proved to yield a successful film; there is humor, but for the most part it's actually INTENTIONALLY funny, something that felt incredibly refreshing within the confines of an F13 film. Put more simply, this movie is just a blast to watch. It's party movie factor is perhaps greater than any other movie in the series. Moreover, this movie is the only movie in the series to actually meet with some positive critical reception upon its release. At its peak, this movie enjoyed a 62% fresh rating on RottenTomatoes, the ONLY movie in the history of the "Friday the 13th" franchise to attain that coveted ripe tomato on my favorite movie website. While the negative reviews skewed toward the usual "stupid slasher movie" pander, the positive ones heaped praise on the movie's self-referential but wry humor, likable characters, and truly menacing villain.

Now that my usual four-paragraph introduction is out of the way, the film, finally.

First things first, this movie seems to retcon the ending of "A New Beginning," which ultimately showed Tommy on the verge of killing Melanie Kinnaman's character in that film. This flick has an early-'20s version of Tommy Jarvis (who is excellently played by Thom Matthews of "Return of the Living Dead"), still in some form of mental institution, still obsessed with the idea that Jason Voorhees is out there. Unable to live with the knowledge that his childhood tormentor could come back, he takes a trip to Jason's grave in order to destroy his corpse (which retcons the police chief's statement in "New Beginning" that Jason was cremated). Fortunately for the audience and unfortunately for Tommy, a freak accident results in Jason springing to life - undead and now completely impervious to pain. Before the opening credits roll, there's an incredibly awesome James Bondian stinger that you'll easily spot, and within five minutes, we're already more entertained than we were by Danny Steinmann's woeful "New Beginning."

Tommy returns to his childhood hometown, now renamed Forest Green (as the town didn't want to be associated with its infamous hockey-masked serial killer from the past), and does his best to convince the town Sheriff (character actor David Kagen who, just like everyone else in this movie's cast, really gives it his all) that Jason is back. Meanwhile, the Sheriff's daughter (Jennifer Cooke) is one of the counselors at the nearby Camp Forest Green, where the staff are engaged in the usual sex-and-drugs mischief, while a group of paintballers are on the warpath in the surrounding woods.

Indeed, there's plenty of murder fodder in this movie. Writer-director McLoughlin wanted an exact total of 13 kills in this film, one of the many sly references to the series itself that he managed to work into the script (there wound up being 16, as the studio felt that the movie was "too light"). This movie takes the quality-and-quantity approach, as several of the murders in this film are cringe-worthy on par with the brutal Tom Savini-helmed "Final Chapter." In particular, the triple decapitation, head twist and back breaking deaths were visceral. Throw in some excellent bone-crunching sound effects and you've got some stuff with the ability to throw your face into previously-not-thought-possible-by-you conditions.

And the Jason of this film is quite different from anything that had been seen in the series from this point backward. What many people fail to realize is that the Jason Voorhees of the early films that featured him as the villain (Parts II-IV) was completely human. Severely deranged and perhaps a tad stronger than average, but definitely human. This was the first film in the series to have a truly supernatural Jason, and stuntman C.J. Graham was definitely up to the task of bringing Uber-Jason to life. With many of the kills taking place in broad daylight, a Jason without presence would have really stood out, and this ranks as one of the quicker, more menacing Jasons in the series.

While I mentioned it briefly before, this is also some kind of funny movie. Jennifer Cooke's three fellow counselors at Camp Forest Green all have their moments (especially the male of the bunch, who gets some from smokin' hot Darcy DeMoss and gets to explain his theory of Native American tracking to a group of hapless kids). I also loved the caretaker of the graveyard that Jason's body called home; his expression when looking directly at the camera and, in essence, the viewer, while saying "some people have a strange idea of entertainment!" is priceless. The "smiley-face kill" is also groan-worthy, but nonetheless elicits a laugh.

More than anything, though, this movie actually manages to get your emotions. It makes us forget the "curse-transfer" that the series had haphazardly tried to accomplish in the previous installment, and due to the excellent writing of McLoughlin and acting of Matthews, Tommy Jarvis is a likable and relatable hero. It's very refreshing seeing a primary male protagonist in a horror film, and in the hands of a lesser director such a character can be seen as whiny and helpless, but Tommy is a character who has his s**t together, genuinely has a beef with Jason, and leaves us rooting for him. Cooke's character is also one of the better heroines in the annals of F13; she's not much deeper than a rebellious Sheriff's daughter, but she's far more tolerable than Dana Kimmell of "Part III."

So where does that leave us with this movie? Lo and behold, when characters are in peril in "Jason Lives," we find ourselves legitimately tense, because we care about what's going on before us. It's a very tough concept for the horror writers of today to understand, no doubt, given that we are presented with film after film today that feature nothing but vaguely hateable twenty-somethings/teens who leave us with no sympathy at all, making us root for the goddamned villain. This is not the point of horror films, and rooting for the villain has never been my thing. And while McLoughlin definitely leaves his imprints on this particular film with his sense of humor and stylish Gothicness, he always remembers to give us at least one quirk for every victim character, making them stand out a lot more than just "Blonde #2" and "Busty Girl #3".

"Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives" is a mixed bag for many F13 fans; some see it as the point that it all started to go wrong for the "Friday" franchise, while others see it as a masterpiece of black humor. Those in the former camp are definitely wrong. At this point in the series, six movies in and wit ha fanbase crying for their already-dead villain back, this is the absolute best movie that could have arisen from its current status. While the movies seem to have a leisurely sameness about them from this point on, this is a very entertaining speed bump along the path that the series would take toward self-parody, and ranks as one of my top five movies in the franchise.

F13 Megareview: "Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning" (1985, Danny Steinmann)

Oh, "Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning." Without a doubt, a truly awful film in pretty much every way that a motion picture can fail - acting, directing, scripting, etc. Of course, when you realize that if you're really looking at the "Friday the 13th" series through the eyes of a snooty film professor you can say the same thing about almost every movie in the franchise, the criticism bears far less weight. I pin my dislike for this movie on one thing and one thing alone - this is the only movie in the series that I'm embarrassed to watch in the company of others.

*whew*

First things first - I've been looking forward to this review. Like, a real lot. I've been priming myself for the "Friday the 13th: ANB" manifesto ever since this whole marathon run of F13 reviews began. People forget just how difficult it is to be the Horror Nerd. It takes responsibility, not unlike Spider-Man. The power that I possess must be used for good, and if my God-given talents were to fall into the wrong hands, evil could rule the day and the terrorists could win. Or something. I guess all of the above (joking, I assure you) B.S. is a way of saying the following - here's hoping that this review doesn't disappoint in a premature ejaculation kind of way. Are you ready, horror fans? Are you ready for frantic running in the rain complete with wet shirts, impromptu R&B singing, nude scenes featuring not-very-good-looking women and a bunch of other crap way too goofy to even mention? You've come to the right place.

So, where did we leave off? In "Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter," we were introduced to the 11-year-old version of Tommy Jarvis, as masterfully (no joking here) played by Corey Feldman. A plucky kid with an interest in macabre masks, it shockingly wound up being the FREAKING KID who got the honors of being the first person in the series to honest-to-christ KILL Jason Voorhees. Nope. Not the usual virginal heroine. Not beefcake Rob, the Jason Slayer of "The Final Chapter." A kid, with dorky Coke-bottle glasses. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on the way you look at it), "TFC" had a semi-creepy ending where Jason, after receicing the coup-de-grace death blow from Tommy, begins to twitch his fingers, prompting the adorable little tyke to go absolutely batcrazy ballistic on Jason, mauling him over and over with a machete in a fit of psychotic rage. The movie then ends on an ambiguous note, with siblings Tommy and Trish still alive, but Tommy peering toward the camera in a move suggesting that not all may be right with our hero...

From here, we flash forward five years to this film. The movie opens with a rather stylish and scary nightmare sequence, with Tommy (version Kid, still played by Feldman in the one day he spent filming this movie) investigating Jason's extremely lonely tomb in the middle of the woods. Two grave-robbers show up to dig up Jason's body, at which point Mr. Voorhees promptly lurches back to life, kills the robbers, and advances on Tommy before he wakes up - now in his awkward teens and played by a guy named John Shepherd, who has more or less vanished off the face of the Earth since this film's release.

Yes, Tommy is a pretty disturbed guy. The incidents of the previous movie have left an indelible mark on his psyche. He doesn't talk. He likes to scare the crap out of kids with his still-pristine collection of devil masks (this is actually shown). He beats the holy hell out of people who make fun of him over breakfast (also shown). And he's generally a very greasy person. As in, copious amounts of actual sweat (see officially-licensed Flixter photo for proof). He's on his way to a safe haven for other troubled/mentally damanged teens.

In the opening goings of this movie, we meet a few of the secondary characters. Firstly, his charges. Matt (Richard Young, who puts way more acting effort into the role than director Danny Steinmann could have possibly asked for) runs the house, while Pam (Melanie "AFOREMENTIONED Wet T-Shirt Wearer" Kinnaman) is the second-in-command.

The official "Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning" Secondary Character Rundown (I really need the "2001" theme song to play every time I do something like this):

Reggie - Our kid hero for this round, Reggie "The Reckless" is a brash smartass, played by Shavar Ross (who would go on to play "Weasel" on "Family Matters"). As our movie's starring bro, you'd also expect him to die, but shockingly, Reggie winds up being the main hero of this thing since Tommy spends most of the movie sulking by himself and doing shockingly little in the way of, you know, killing the murderer. While he starts off abrasive and dislikable, trust me, this kid grows on you like Kentucky Bluegrass *bad metaphor drumroll*.

Jake and Robin - Most F13 films include a "secondary" couple who mack it for the first time during the course of the movie. Also, most F13 films include one extremely sympathetic character. "ANB" made the bold move of combining these archetypes into one, as stuttering, awkward Jake (Jerry Pavlon, who also puts way more into his role than Danny Steinmann deserved) pines for redhead Robin (Juliette Cummins of "Psycho III" fame), who rebukes his advances with the single most COLD shoot-down scene in the history of cinema. And then shows us her tiny funbags.

Eddie and Tina - I can't really call these two a secondary couple, since they're already well-entrenched in their sexual flailings long before the epic storyline of this film begins. These two really love sex. Really. Just why they're stationed at the halfway house is kept a mystery (just as it is for every other character in this movie besides Tommy - I can only assume that these two are here because they're nymphomaniacs), but they like to sneak out in broad daylight and do it in the surrounding woods. Tina, the brunette bombshell in the equation, is played by Debi Sue Voorhees, who has massive...assets, in her acting, if you catch my drift. Just...really...massive.

Violet - In a movie with smokin' hot chicks like Robin and Tina, it amazes me why punk-rocker wannabe Violet (Tiffany Helm, who also has a good role in "Reform School Girls") seems to enjoy the amazingly popular cult status that she does among horny fanboys everywhere. To me, she's not that attractive. She's not cute. And she's the only girl in the movie to not show us her cans. However, the one thing she DOES have going for her is the best dance scene since Crispin Glover's epileptic seizure in "Friday the 13th Part IV," set to the new-wave minor classic "In His Eyes." Add this to the list of truly great "WTF" moments in a film full of them.

Demon - I really shouldn't be doing a character write-up for a guy with such little bearing on the overall plot, but it's not like the vast majority of the above charlatains did, anyway. And that's a damn shame, because I really, really liked Demon. The one character in the movie that I genuinely wanted to escape with his life intact, Demon is Reggie's older brother coming by to visit his little bro and eat a few enchiladas (this is conveyed by the movie's masterful dialogue). He also has the greatest jheri-curl in movie history, and the single best movie song ever in the form of his touching ballad "Oooohh, baby....oooooh baby!" lovingly sang while taking a dump. Again, not joking. I should also point out that Demon is played by the same guy that would go on to play Juwanna Mann.

Roy Burns - *SPOILER ALERT*

Yes, Jason Voorhees really did die at the climax of "Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter." And, indeed, this death was supposed to be final. Of course, I should also point out that they tried to do this on two separate occasions, as well, as originally "Friday the 13th Part II" was to be the only movie with Jason as the killer. The script for THIS film was originally slated to be "Part III," with Ginny, the surviving heroine of "Part II," to be in the Tommy Jarvis role as a disturbed survivor at a halfway house.

Alas, it was not meant to be, as Amy Steel (that's Ginny, for those too damned ignorant and/or lazy to be following this series of reviews religiously) backed out of the movie at the last minute, throwing that plan in a knot. And if you look at "Part III" (or "3D"), you can definitely see the similarities between that film and this one. The lakeside house. The bits in the gas station. And the final showdown in the barn. But the point of "Friday the 13th Part III" (or "3D") was meant to be the same as the previous movie - set up a crazy survivor for a "passing the torch" movie. And Chris, the screechy heroine of "Part III" (or "3D"), definitely does go criz-azy in the finale of the movie.

Only Dana Kimmell (that's Chris) wasn't quite the horror aficianado that the producers thought. So then, they had to do ANOTHER "set up a crazy survivor" movie in the form of "The Final Chapter." The character of Tommy Jarvis is actually pretty skillfully done, as he has certain parallels to Jason (no friends, the absentee father, fascination with the macabre, etc.).

So then we get this movie - finally, the movie where the "set up a crazy survivor" move pays off, with Tommy Jarvis as the mentally disturbed survivor in a halfway house where someone else not named Jason Voorhees is offing his fellow inmates.

So, you wanna know who he is?

Well, I'll tell you - it's the Paramedic who picks up the body of his long-lost son in the opening trimester of the movie, after said son is brutally murdered by another inmate in a fit of rage. Blaming all crazy bastards and everyone else in the surrounding vicinity for his son's death, crazy ol' Roy Burns dons the Jason mask and does a pretty commendable job, tossing off no less than 19 warm human bodies in the course of this movie.

*END SPOILER*

And thus concludes the "Friday the 13th: A New Beginning" Secondary Character Rundown. Hope you all enjoyed that, and please, enjoy the veal.

What's better, the Secondary Character Rundown serves in place of my usual plot description review portion, effectively killing two birds with one stone and enabling yours truly to fire out one more bad cliche. So now, I've come to the sad realization that I must pass judgment on this movie. It's a section of the review that you're no doubt dying to read, as your sophisticated, nuanced host uses his official smart guy armor to read into the impenetrable metaphors and symbolism of this film, pick apart its camera techniques and use of light and shade, and in other words sound like snooty film professor #101.

Before I do so without all the English major trappings (I promise), I have to state the following FACT: I love this movie. Don't get me wrong, it's absolutely terrible when held alongside the other movies in the "Friday the 13th" series, makes pretty much zero sense and has a bunch of scenes that make you want to throw your remote at the television, but it's undeniably fun to watch. By yourself, that is. This is a movie that just doesn't work in a crowd setting, unless your idea of a fun time is a whole bunch of awkward silence while everyone on the couch isn't quite able to muster up the correct words to make fun of a Michael Jackson clone singing his signature top forty hit "Ooooh baby." In which case, go for yours. I love this movie because it used to be shown ad nauseum on USA Up All Night, accompanied by Gilbert Gottfried's wacky skits serving as buffers in the commercial breaks. This film got a ton of airplay on the Fried's moviefest, and as such it's probably the movie in the franchise that I've seen the most. So, on a personal nostalgia quotient, I have to give this movie five stars.

Make no mistake, though, this movie is terrible, and has many things that will downright irritate you. For starters, this movie has a TON of characters. Way more than I mentioned above. This movie's fatal flaw is that it uses the following formula no less than five times - it introduces wholly dislikable sleazebag characters, spends approximately ten minutes building them up, and then has Roy do his Jason impersonation on them, which means that we just got annoyed for ten minutes for no good reason other than just the fact that director Steinmann felt like wasting time.

While I've mentioned it as a positive previously in this review, Steinmann came from the world of porn directing - and man, can you tell. The nudity is everywhere in this movie, and rather than arousing you fellow sad males out there, they inspire laughter. I realize that nudity is an essential part of the slasher movie experience, but "ANB" takes it to comedic levels. Sex, sex, and more sex appears to be the Danny Steinmann mantra. In fact, it is - I've heard him talk at a horror convention, and he's just as much of a sleazy sycophant as you'd expect him to be considering that he directed this movie (and wrote much of it).

What else am I missing? Oh yes - the hilarious non-mystery that is Roy Burns the mystery killer. If nothing else, it's another laugh-out-loud moment, but after Roy picks up his son's body, the action slows down, the camera zooms in on his face. Dick Wieand, the actor playing Roy, gets a deadly serious, steely gaze in his eyes, and we're left to wonder why this nonentity of a character is being given such a dark, impactful scene. The camera even fades out in a TV-style editing trick, and since the bodies begin cropping up immediately following this mystical "dum dum dum" moment, we spend the rest of the movie looking for the "real" killer since Roy seems like such an obvious choice. Only, the "real" killer never pops up, and we're once again left with Roy.

However, I must leave this hard-hitting analysis for a moment and get back to the story. As mentioned previously (I suppose one could say that it was AFOREMENTIONED), this movie, like "Part III" (or "3D"), has a final showdown in a barn. After all of the murder and mayhem in this film, it's down to Tommy, Reggie and Pam vs. Roy in Jason disguise. In a move that shocks no one, our three heroes are triumphant. The film has a creepy closing, however, as Tommy sees an apparition of Jason over his hospital bed, which makes me remember that I forgot to mention that Tommy has been having vivid hallucinations involving his childhood tormentor throughout the course of the movie, but it probably should have been implied. Anyway, Jason leans down, not menacingly, but approvingly, toward Tommy, whose face passes from fear to calm to acceptance. It's actually some very good acting by Shepherd, and a stunningly well-done and subtle scene meant to convey the "passing the torch" moment. The movie ends with Pam coming in to check on Tommy, who isn't in his bed. The door closes behind her, and standing behind the door is Tommy, now wearing the hockey mask. It's quite obvious that this was meant to be "it" - Jason was meant to stay dead, and the series was to continue, with Tommy Jarvis in the role of killer.

But remember that lengthy and boring explanation of the previous movies that tried to set up a crazy survivor for a villain switch? Three movies is how long it took due to various circumstances. Three movies where people saw Jason run, stab, slice and dice. People were used to Jason by that point. And when this movie came in 1985, the fanbase - both casual and hardcore - collectively let out a massive "F**K you" to the powers-that-be at Paramount Pictures, leading to this movie's transition ending being retconned in the next film. And yes, we got Jason back.

"Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning" is a fascinating movie to watch, for many reasons. It's a wonder that a movie can be so terrible yet so fun to watch, and it's a wonder that a series can not only recover from an abortion as horribly botched as this one, but be massively popular and profitable to this very day. Even factoring in the completely ridiculous pair of New Line films, this remains the series' low point, however, so if you're looking for effective characters, creative kills, badass Jason or any of the other hallmarks of my favorite horror series, you won't find them here. Still, this movie is essential viewing merely on the merit that you can ponder the series that could have been, if the producers hadn't caved in to fan demand and actually went with the new killer angle in the ensuing sequels. Just think how different the horror landscape would be today. "Freddy vs. Tommy" just doesn't have the same ring, does it?

F13 Megareview: "Friday the 13th Part III" (1982, Steve Miner)

Ah, 3D. As of this moment, Hollywoodland is currently in the midst of a second golden age of three-dimensional feature films, launching various animated, horror, and action flicks at us (like, literally, at us) on seemingly a monthly basis. One of last year's best films of any genre was "Up!," a touching, charming, and hilarious Pixar tale that just so happened to be presented to us in eye-popping 3D. As shocking as this will be to more than a few of you young-'uns who weren't brought up with the obsessive need to find out any- and everything about your favorite films and pop culture...um...things, we ALSO went through quite the little 3D renaissance in the early-'80s. No less than the "Jaws" franchise itself presented a 3D entry, with a film that was originally supposed to be a "Jaws" parody (in the end, of course, they played it straight). But it surprises many when informed what the early-'80s 3D box office champ was.

"Friday the 13th Part III" was Frank Mancuso Jr.'s attempt to cash in on the 3D gimmick, and needless to say, it paid off big dividends, as it kept the incredible momentum that the series had gained with its first two installments and paid it forward even more (it out-grossed "Friday the 13th Part II" by a solid $13 million). Like the original films, it stars nobody, with only Tracie Savage having gained any sort of lasting notoriety as she is currently a respected California news anchor. The director, Steve Miner, has gone on to helm a few more films, most notably the 1985 Sean Cunningham-produced horror vehicle "House" and the 1992 Mel Gibson drama "Forever Young." Of course, none of the ancilliary complaints about "Friday the 13th Part III" even mattered to the movie audiences of 1982, as this movie's 3D gimmick inspired far more ticket sales than previously thought possible for its thin premise and poorly acted - and poorly written - script.

It does me absolutely no good to tell you that, technically, this movie is pretty bad. The script by Martin Kittrosser is minimal at best, although we do get a few more of those almighty glimpses of characterization that is so often lacking in many higher-budgeted and respectable horror films of today. The direction is also suspect; Miner hadn't quite refined his craft yet at this point in his career, and many of the camera movements and cuts are a little jarring and uncoordinated. And the acting - oh God, the acting. Even Leonard Maltin, a critic who praised the movie upon its release, dubbed the acting "amateur night," and that's a fitting description, with Roger Ebert himself asking if Miner had found the entire cast on street corners. As it turns out, the movie's most beloved character other than Jason - chubby prankster Shelly - was cast when Mancuso spotted him handing out tickets at a showing of "The Road Warrior" and had an epiphany moment, muttering to his spouse that they had found their Shelly. So eat it, critics.

But you know what? Ignore all that - all of "Friday the 13th Part III" was an excuse to cram as many 3D moments into one film as humanly possible, and in this regard, the movie doesn't disappoint. I own a copy of the 3D DVD of this film, and suffice to say, it makes LOADS of difference watching this movie the way it was originally intended. As a kid, this movie scared the crap out of me, but I found it funny back then that the movie features things constantly being thrust into the TV's frame of view. Now, of course, that makes sense. EVERYTHING in this movie is viewed as an opportunity for audience participation in the form of three-dimensional interaction; before the movie's slaughter begins, we get 3D bunnies, TV antennas, bedsheets, cars, bats, yo-yos, hair (in the form of Shelly's legendary afro), and, amazingly enough, several more things. Of course, once Jason shows his face and begins offing the new cast, we get 3D pitchforks, axes, spikes, and other assorted implements of destruction. On an eye candy level, and the way that this movie was intended for its original 1982 theatrical audience, this movie works its intended purpose and then some. Awesome stuff.

What sentence is coming up next? Longtime Horror Nerd readers will know.

The film, finally: We open up on a solid montage of clips from "Friday the 13th Part II," most specifically the ending moments when Ginny gives the sack-hooded Jason Voorhees the coup de grace and stumbles to safety with her kinda-sorta boyfriend. The camera cuts back to Jason's shack in the woods, who casually removes the blade thrust in his shoulder and drags himself away. So begins the long tradition in "Friday the 13th" films of Jason Voorhees surviving everything that protagonist chicks throw at him.

From here, we meet the new cast, and what an auspicious bunch this is.

Chris: Played by Dana Kimmell, this is our lead protagonist for this go-round. She's relatively hot (not factoring in almost 30 years' worth of aging), but aside from that...she's definitely no Ginny Field. Not only because Dana Kimmell cannot hold a candle to Amy Steel in the acting department, but because the character comes across as screechy, whiny, and even a little shrewy. I'm sure that this isn't the way the character was written, and I like that she's given some depth in the form of her questionable background (and even possible RAPE at the hands of Jason - yes, it's implied), but the way it's pulled off doesn't quite work. Too bad.

Rick: Paul Kratka plays Chris' love interest, a pretty nondescript character all things considered. Pencil in "generic boyfriend material" and you've pretty much got Rick, who offers very little to the plot other than just listening to Chris' legendary monologue about the aforementioned night from the past where she ran across a pre-murder spree Jason Voorhees in the woods. Of course, he also offers the movie's most hilarious death, as Jason squeezes his head until his freakin' eyeball pops out of the screen - like, again, right at you in 3D. Oh yeah, *SPOILER*

Andy and Debby: The movie's secondary romantic couple, these two are written as the "cool" people of the bunch. To be sure, Tracie Savage was pretty damn sexy back in the day. In addition, she actually shows some acting chops despite the crappy material, particularly her droll response when Andy inquires about the logistics of hammock sex. Andy, in true F13 guy fashion, again also offers little except for shoving a yo-yo into the 3D camera lens repeatedly in the movie's most annoying moment.

Shelly: Larry "Mr. Awesome" Zerner, currently an entertainment lawyer of all things, portrays the movie's best secondary character. The story from earlier in the review is true - he was indeed a movie theater ticket taker before getting the job in this movie, and one look at Mr. Zerner's dimeanor back then was more than enough for Mancuso to trust this pivotol (yeah, right) role with the unproven actor (who, unbelievably, had an agent). And he...is...freaking...awesome. Most F13 films have one very sympathetic character, and this is Shelly's role in "Friday the 13th Part III." He's an aspiring actor who keeps a suitcase filled with practical gag aids, and is along on the group's trip to a small lakeside haven because Andy, his roommate, hooked him up on a blind date with Vera (Catherine Parks), a hotty Latina who wants nothing to do with the lovable loser...at first. Shelly gradually wins over Vera as the movie goes along, but, regrettably, before he's able to get himself laid.

Amazingly enough, there's a few more characters/murder victims in this film, including a random group of evil bikers who nearly sink the movie halfway through and two ex-hippie tagalongs hanging out with the college students on their trip.

What else do you care about with this movie? Well, the kills are decent - certainly better than what we got in "Friday the 13th Part II." My favorite is Andy's death. It seems that Jason is allowed one extremely grotesque death per movie, and when we finally see the ending result of the Andy body impalement, it makes for truly visceral stuff. I really, really wish that Shelly's death would have been onscreen, as it would have made for a big emotional gut-punch, but as it stands the 3D deaths compensate for it. One of the random bikers - interestingly enough, a chick - has a death scene that creeped the ever-living crap out of me as a fourth grader and kept me out of barnyard rafters for years afterward.

There's one more very important thing worth mentioning - this is the movie where Jason Voorhees gets the hockey mask. And he gets it because of Shelly. I won't mention the specific details, so you'll have to watch the movie if you're an F13 virgin to find out the grisly details of this one. I will say, however, that when Jason, largely unseen for much of the movie, saunters out onto the dock near the lake house wearing the hockey mask for the first time, it makes for a classic "reveal" moment. It also doesn't hurt matters that what immediately follows is an epic "spear gun to the eye" death scene.

"Friday the 13th Part III" is kind of a mixed bag for me. While not as good as the classic original film or as tense as the sequel due to our emotional investment with its protagonist, it's nonetheless a solid entry in the early "Human Jason" F13 films. While I mentioned in the review of "Friday the 13th Part II" that the Jason of that particular film was merely good at stabbing people, the Jason in this film appears to have hit the gym and picked up some brute strength. He also RUNS, for Christ's sakes, a practice that wouldn't be seen again for the rest of the series. That bit of novelty aside, there are definitely worse films in the franchise. Pick up the movie in its 3D form and you'll have a good time with a few friends, both for its intended and unintended purposes. You'll be wowed at just how many things the film-makers can "pop" one minute and making fun of Dana Kimmell's acting the next.

F13 Megareview: "Friday the 13th Part II" (1981, Steve Miner)

A tiny-budgeted, modestly cast but briskly directed - and unrelentingly gory - little shocker called "Friday the 13th" is released on the day bearing its namesake. In a packed summer which also saw the release of "The Empire Strikes Back," said movie becomes a huge hit on a nationwide basis, eventually grossing more than $39 million dollars domestically - and that's just at the theaters. It sets off a firestorm of controversy among critics declaring it obscene and immoral (the latter of which coming from no less an authority than Gene Siskel), but this furor only seems to add fuel to the fire that is "Friday the 13th." In terms of profit margin, it's easily one of the most successful films of all time. And considering how little it would cost to repeat this formula - unknown cast of nubile, attractive teens or twenty-somethings, only one set (a remote forest setting), and a good makeup artist - it came as little surprise when the first in the long, and some say never-ending, series of sequels to "Friday the 13th" was announced.

One thing I forgot to mention in last week's review of the original "Friday the 13th" was its shock ending showing Jason Voorhees - the long-deceased son of Betsy Palmer's character - jumping out of Crystal Lake and scaring the ever-loving bejesus out of Alice (Adrienne King), the film's heroine. Of course, the sequence is nothing but a dream, and original director Sean S. Cunningham freely admits that it was nothing more than a "ripoff" of the classic "hand popping out of the grave" shocker ending to Brian De Palma's "Carrie." Nonetheless, due to this ONE scene that was in the movie as nothing more than a lark, we now have the "Friday the 13th" franchise. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to meet Jason, the not-quite-so-deceased son that Pamela Voorhees had been attempting to avenge all these years by killing all the nasty, fornicating, Godless teens entering Crystal Lake over the years. And I guess since Jason loves his momma so much, he figured he'd take her job description...

The movie begins with a flashback to the ending of the original "Friday the 13th," showing the awesome Tom Savini-created beheading death of Pamela Voorhees and the aforementioned shock ending. Alice, the star character of the original, is dreaming these scenes in remembrance. She wakes up and has a phone conversation with her mother, once again reminding us of something that horror films used to do very well - namely, build up sympathy for its victims, as we get the sense of Alice's nobility. The scene ends with Alice getting a vicious icepick through the head, shown in grisly detail. We don't know who did it, as only the killer's hands are shown, but yeah, we totally know who did it. So begins the rampage of the fully-grown, adult Jason Voorhees, logic of just how the hell a mongoloid who was never educated and grew up in the woods presumably eating fox ears and rabbits knew how to locate a woman living far away from Crystal Lake without anyone noticing him be damned.

The storyline here is essentially the same as it was in the original "Friday the 13th," except after Alice's death we shoot forward five years. Paul Holt (John Furey) is opening up a counselor training center directly adjacent to the legendary "Camp Blood" (the nickname for Camp Crystal Lake in these films, for F13 virgins). A new colorful, assorted cast of teens and college students arrive at the center for counselor training...but the real reason they're there is the same reason that all kids seem to go out of their way to be in the woods in "Friday the 13th" films. Namely, it's far away from prying adult eyes, and there's plenty of opportunities for smoking weed, drinking alcohol, having premarital sex, and other taboo things. And if you've seen a single slasher film in your life, you know that killers don't like teens doing any of these things. It's a surefire way to get yourself killed in a heartbeat.

Anyway, it's around this time that this movie unleashes its ace in the hole in the form of Ginny, played by Amy Steel, who serves as Paul's second-in-command at the training center. In the massive history of the "Friday the 13th" franchise, I believe that Ginny STILL stands as the best character in the entire series with the exception of Jason himself, and ranks as one of my five favorite "final girls" in all of horrordom. Watching many modern horror movies, our main "group" in a horror film is almost exclusively made up of vaguely hateable characters that leave us rooting for the damned villain. For as much crap as critics just LOVE to sling at "Friday the 13th" and its many sequels, this is a series that almost ALWAYS did something BETTER than many other, more "respectable" films...namely, get you to care about its protagonists. Much of the credit must go to Steel; to this day, I can't believe she wasn't in more films. She's a terrific actress who doesn't get nearly enough credit for single-handedly making this one of the most beloved entries in the series. But the character is also scripted well - instead of just being the hottest chick and thus Jason's main adversary, Ginny is a smart, witty, and strong character. She's also a child psychology student who has a few theories about Paul's campfire ghost story involving the legend of Jason, granting the movie a nice depth and true enmity/understanding between its villain and hero. Nonetheless, five gold stars for Ginny Field.

Eventually, after all of our characters are introduced, we get our excuse for slaughter - half of the counselors decide to go into town to get blitzed, while half stay behind to watch the camp. When this movie's round of deaths begin, accompanied (just as it was in the first film) by a rain storm, I wasn't QUITE as enthralled with this film as I was with its predecessor for a couple reasons. Interestingly enough, at one point, this was my favorite "Friday" film; it no longer claims that title. It's still very comfortably in the top three, but it doesn't do quite the job of the original film in pulling the grand switch on the audience. Perhaps this is the nature of the beast when it comes to sequels, but the supporting cast in this film (with the exception of Mark, a perfectly normal, everyday guy who just happens to be in a wheelchair) just isn't as involving as Kevin Bacon and crew.

Second, the movie doesn't deliver on the visceral level quite as much as "Friday the 13th." It surprises many who read my reviews, but I'm not a goremonger. I believe that blood, when used effectively, really makes an impact; when it's thrown on the screen just for the sake of having more red stuff floating around, it gets tiresome. But there are certain things we expect from a "Friday" film - we need to see blood. "Friday the 13th Part II" had one of the most talented makeup effects teams in the entire series, with lead makeup man Carl Fullerton supervising a young up-and-comer named Stan Winston in creating the movie's grisly death scenes. And...the MPAA murdered this movie, cutting away at the moment of impact of every slice and dice. Of course, EVERY "Friday" movie until the remake had to have scenes removed to avoid an NC-17 or R rating, but this is the film where it feels the most noticeable.

Of course, these are really minor gripes. The movie's real money sequence is what ranks today as perhaps the absolute BEST "Final Girl" sequence in the annals of slasher films; the near fifteen-minute chase/showdown between the mysterious man in the sack mask and Ginny is truly electric stuff, combining our genuine like for the character in peril and some pretty damn ingenious writing and ways of prolonging the suspense.

As for ol' Sacky himself (yes, folks, he doesn't get the hockey mask until Part III...so you're just going to have to keep reading these things if you want that captivating story), the Jason in this film is...different. It's very interesting watching this first film with Jason Voorhees as the lead villain, and how raw the character is before he became locked in as the cultural icon we know today. Looking less like a terminator and wearing farmer's overalls, this Jason is decidedly human, which he is for the first three films where he serves as lead killer. He doesn't kill his victims with brute strength; he's just very, very good at sneaking up and stabbing people. As played by Steve Dash (Warrington Gillette is credited for the role, but in reality only played the role for the scene where the unmasked Jason bursts through a window to snatch Ginny; Dash did all the rest), this Jason has a wild menace that's unlike anything else in the series; definitely not the BEST interpretation, but definitely the most unique.

"Friday the 13th Part II" is a pretty damn good film. It's perhaps the best movie in the series in terms of straight horror, and it's one of the most-seen films in the franchise. For some reason, this flick gets a ton of airplay on cable movie channels. I mean, a real lot. More than any other "Friday" film and "Nightmare on Elm Street" film put together. There's a chance that this isn't an accident- "Friday the 13th" virgins are probably best off starting with this one. As it stands today, it's a suspenseful introduction to a different monster who is decidedly less monstrous than what he would become in later films. And since you're watching a film about a backwoods killer holding a grudge against all camp counselors because one of them killed his mother, the fantastic performance by Amy Steel as the lead heroine serves as a very unexpected icing on the cake.

F13 Megareview: "Friday the 13th" (1980, Sean S. Cunningham)

Alright, horror hounds, we're going to try something different. For approximately three months, your humble host is going to slice, dice and machete his way through the entire "Friday the 13th" series for your amusement - or nonamusement, I'm not quite sure which. Either way, get ready to absorb a whole heapin' helping of everyone's favorite hockey-masked momma's boy, Jason Voorhees. And just so none of you get really annoying with nitpicky questions, I am covering EVERY movie in the series - the Paramount series (1-8), the New Line entries (JGTH, X, and F v J), and the 2009 remake. By the end of this experiment, I'm likely going to be so sick of this series that I could vomit with rage...but then again, I might not. After all, I've seen most of these films at least fifty times already, so what's one more go gonna hurt?

Before we get this party cabin hopping (see, I'm getting in the "Friday" spirit already), some general series thoughts:

- Firstly, I LOVE the "Friday the 13th" series, and have a ton of personal history and nostalgia for the entire undertaking. As a fourth grader who was fascinated by horror movies but still young enough to be scared by them, they scared the HELL out of me back then. Now, they're calming, almost comforting; hell, I pop the damn DVD's into the ol' player when I'm trying to nod off during the daylight hours. These movies are like my best friend.

- Of all the home run horror franchises, this one is the best SERIES. Yes, "Friday the 13th: A New Beginning" is a truly wretched picture, but it's still loads better than the worst movies in other horror franchises ("Nightmare on Elm Street 2" and the direct-to-DVD "Hellraiser" films, I'm looking at you).

- On some level, I find it amazing, and awesome, that this series - so less cerebral than the "Hellraisers" and "Saws" of the world, is the one with the most sequels. And they've all been released theatrically.

- 1998 was the best Halloween in the history of mankind. Why? Because it fell on a Saturday - a Saturday when Joe Bob Briggs was still in the midst of his ungodly MonsterVision run. The result was legendary: the first six F13 films (minus "Final Chapter") all back to back, with a top-of-his-game Joe Bob popping off one liner after one liner during one evening of pure awesomeness.

So, without further adieu, the first film in the series, which I've never inducted into the registry. The only film, thus far, to be in the registry is my favorite movie in the series ("The Final Chapter"), and this movie is also getting the nod. However, none of the others will be - this particular three-month diversion isn't IHR-associated. This is just me punishing myself for all of you, so I hope you're happy - but in the case of "Friday the 13th" in its original incantation, no punishment is associated in the slightest, because this is just a classic, unbelievable film that never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes - and this is incredibly rare - a movie can be incredibly groundbreaking, innovative, and influential without even really trying to be. "Friday the 13th" was this film, and it is, without a doubt, the most important horror film ever made.

Without "Friday the 13th," think of what doesn't exist - there's no "Halloween" sequels, no "Nightmare on Elm Street," no early-'80s slasher boom, no "Scary Movie" or "Scream" series, no virginal heroine trend that continues to this day...the entire cultural landscape was altered because of this movie, ushering in a new era.

So there we were - this movie's release date. Friday, June 13, 1980 - the dawn of the '80s, the dawn of the modern slasher film. I'm often asked what I consider to be the first slasher film, because there are many different possible answers to that question. Some say that "Halloween" is the first great slasher film, and while it is indeed my favorite movie of all time, there's absolutely no blood contained in it. Others cite films from the earlier '70s like "Twitch of the Death Nerve," "Black Christmas" or "The Bird With the Crystal Plumage," while others list the proto-slashers of the '40s. To me, the answer to this question HAS to be "Friday the 13th." While "Twitch of the Death Nerve" was the first movie to take the truly grisly details of onscreen murder and be unafraid to show it in all of its excruciating glory, its storyline (a lame heist plot) was not befitting the slasher template. "Friday" MADE that template - it invented the formula. The cast of nubile, attractive teens, the remote forest location, and, of course, the moral that if you have sex, you will die, and very painfully.

"Friday the 13th" was actually released on the same day as "The Shining." Now I ask this - which movie had the bigger impact? Well? TWELVE MOVIES. I rest my case. "Friday" demolished Kubrick's film at the box office and, in fact, its box office take during that wicked summer was second only to "The Empire Strikes Back." Now there's a trivia fact that will amaze more than a few people. The reason? Go back to that last point in the previous paragraph - what this movie had going for it was, and this still holds true to this day, the single best ad campaign in the history of cinema. Everybody saw the television commercials for this movie, and everybody got it: kids having sex, and kids in turn being butchered for having too much sex. I know that this is so cliche now that it is laughed at, but every cliche came from somewhere - writer/director Sean S. Cunningham took the sex and death connection that he knew would be ripe for controversy and played it to its fullest, resulting in previously unheard-of buzz for this tiny movie that Paramount Pictures risked a fortune on by picking up and releasing nationally.

The film, finally: We open up at Camp Crystal Lake, 1958 - two attractive camp counselors retreat from a staff party to make out and, presumably, copulate. They are interrupted by someone they both appear to know quite well, and are both killed offscreen by said person. This opening is very effective because the killings aren't shown - the audience is lulled into a false sense of safety, almost saying to themselves "that wasn't that bad" after seeing the TV ads hyping the film's violence. These would be the only bloodless murders in the film, and from this point forward, the fate of every unfortunate victim in "Friday the 13th" is progressively worse.

Flash-forward 22 years to the movie's 1980 present day. Openly admitting that he cribbed from Hitchcock's classic "Psycho," Cunningham opens the present story with a character named Annie hitch-hiking to Crystal Lake Campground, where she is to be the new summer camp's cook for the oncoming open season. Within twenty minutes, she is dead, her throat sliced open by another unseen assailant.

Meanwhile, our principal cast - the counselors set to work at the just re-opened Camp Crystal Lake - have made their way to the site. Each has an instantly recognizable personality, and amazingly enough (especially for you younger horror fans used to the character-writing traits of today's screenwriters), all are likable and engaging. There's nice guy Bill (Harry Crosby, son of Bing - and that's no joke), practical joker Ned (Mark Nelson), lovebirds Jack (Kevin Bacon in his first starring film role) and Marcie (Jeannine Taylor, who has a smokin' body), ditzy blonde Brenda (Laurie Bartram), and shy, innocent Alice (Adrienne King). "Friday" was the first movie of its kind to use this technique which, once again, has been ripped off so many times over the years that it is now cliche - Cunningham paints many different archetypical kids, with the idea being that everyone in the audience can find someone to relate to. It's safe to say that since "Friday the 13th" still sees constant airplay on cable to this day despite the endless series of ripoffs and tributes, the technique works.

For the next thirty minutes, we are once again lulled into a false sense of safety after the death of Annie (which the remaining counselors are unaware of) - we watch these kids be kids, in essence. We watch them form quick friendships with their new co-workers, play jokes on each other, and enjoy a nice frolic in Crystal Lake itself. We wonder if Ned's clumsy advances on Brenda are going to pay off, and we find ourselves genuinely liking the onscreen couple of Jack and Marcie due to the actors' outstanding chemistry, and wonder if the two nicest characters are going to realize what they have in common. The key here is likability - we genuinely LIKE every member of this group, and there's a great effort by Cunningham, as the director, and Victor Miller, the screenwriter, to make us identify with these carefree souls cut off from the rest of society.

And then a thunderstorm signifies the ending of the day, and the coming of night. And then these kids begin dying, in incredibly gruesome, graphic, and gory ways.

Therein lies the horror of "Friday the 13th." It was described by one prominent film critic at the time as "the Pepsi generation gets hacked to bits," but this is an injustice to the dramatic arc that Cunningham was trying to accomplish. "Young kids," Cunningham said, "you know, teens and college kids, all seem to think that they're invincible. And usually, in most high schools, there's some incident, like a drunken car crash, that kills one of their classmates. All of a sudden, that feeling of invincibility is broken, and they realize that someday they will die. That's what 'Friday the 13th' was about - the fear of death before your time."

Truer words were never spoken, as the methods of death were re-invented with this film. In 1980, Tom Savini was a hot, up-and-coming makeup artist who had just completed work on the effects for the 1978 zombie epic "Dawn of the Dead." Cunningham called Savini, telling him that he wanted his death effects to look as realistic and horrifically bloody as possible, and Savini did not disappoint. In particular, Bacon's death - a spear through the bed/throat, complete with a geyser of blood emanating from the wound - is an epic kill to this day, and one of many visceral moments in this film that leave you wonder just how the hell the film-makers pulled it off without the aid of the lazy CGI that can be relied on today. Looking back at this film, after you've seen an axe to the head, an arrow through the eyeball, and a decapitation right before your very eyes, you're suddenly taken aback by the value of quality handmade effects. It looks real, because, at some level, it actually did happen. Savini's mastery of puppetry, facial molding, and, of course, the liberal use of stage blood is unparalleled in movie history, and it's no accident that his career skyrocketed after the release of "Friday the 13th" (to the point that he later was awarded the directing gig on the well-received remake of "Night of the Living Dead" in 1990).

In short, nothing as raw and savage as "Friday the 13th" had ever been seen by as many members of the American public before. I mentioned earlier in this review that Paramount Pictures took a huge risk on this movie. Before "Friday the 13th," horror and exploitation films were usually released in "rock and roll" fashion, playing in perhaps 30 theaters every week, and moving from one area of the country to the other. "Friday the 13th" did not have any big-name stars, a high budget, or a previously-thought marketable premise, and yet Frank Mancuso, the head of Paramount at the time, believed in this shocking little horror movie that he truly enjoyed and decided to give it the 2,000-theater release that major movies got. The move paid huge dividends, as evidenced by its box office take, never-ending series of sequels, and influence that continues to this day.

In all likelihood, I've seen "Friday the 13th" more than fifty times during the course of my life. It was one of the first slasher films that I ever saw, as my first viewing occurred during one of the USA network's Friday marathons in the fall of 1993. It scared the ever-living crap out of me back then, not only for the killings, but because I truly liked the character of Alice. It should come as no surprise if you're at all familiar with the slasher genre that Alice is the last remaining character in this film to face off with the film's villain. I knew that even THEN as a dumb fourth grader, and it didn't matter at all. I wanted Alice to succeed, and the first-ever slasher film "final girl" chase sequence is truly dynamic stuff, even taking into consideration Alice's ineffectual barricade against her assailant.

And yeah, that's right, casual movie fans who may not know what the hell I'm talking about when I call the villain in this film "the assailant" - the original "Friday the 13th" contains a mystery killer, and no, it ain't Jason. As played by Betsy Palmer, the character of Pamela Voorhees conveys to us a genuine depth in a monologue that gives us the reason why she kills - and, in essence, sets up the rest of the series. Of course, Palmer has been known for talking down this role and the film itself since then, saying that the script was "shit," but that still doesn't take away the fact that she truly went above and beyond in a bit part to make what could have been a one-note character a legendary horror villain that even has its own friggin' action figure.

"Friday the 13th" is a landmark in American cinema, and Leonard Maltin, I don't care what you say about this being a wretched film, or what you, Roger Ebert, have to say about this being a piece of theatrical trash. This is a great film. Not in the way that it should have walked away with a bagful of Oscars, but there can be many ways a film can be great. I find that the best movies are the ones that make you FEEL something, anything - they can make you angry, or happy, or sad, or, in this case, horrified and, at times, grossed out. Without "Friday the 13th," there is an entire genre that would not exist today, and we as horror fans (and movie fans in general) owe Cunningham, his production crew and cast, and the brave Paramount executive who chose to market this micro-budget film as a potential summer blockbuster a huge debt.

IHR Induction #19: "Gremlins" (1984, Joe Dante)

There might be no movie more firmly rooted in my childhood than "Gremlins." While "Children of the Corn" has it beat for "first movie that actively scared the crap out of me" honors, this HAS to be one of the first movies that I ever saw. They used to air this beast right around Christmastime every year on NBC, and every single year I would whip out one of the handy-dandy blank tapes that my folks kept around and commence committing it magnetically, watch the hell out of it for the next month or so, get tired of it and tape over it...only to repeat the whole process again the following year. Of course, now I own the film on DVD, but with all of my Christmas season viewings of "Gremlins," I've now seen the movie approximately 75,000 times. I'm still not bored. This is still one of the best horror comedies of all time, better than (prepare to shell me, horror fans) the certainly good but, in my humble opinion, slightly overrated "Shaun of the Dead."

The cast and crew read like a who's who of 1980s culture. It was one of the MANY projects at the time with some vague Steven Spielberg connection (he produced it). The director, Joe Dante, was responsible for the werewolf classic "The Howling" (now there's a movie that's long overdue for an IHR nod) as well as the best segment of the Spielberg-produced "Twilight Zone: The Movie" (Dante's was a remake of the ungodly "TZ" episode "It's the Good Life"). You had Corey Feldman in front of the camera being his usual extremely entertaining self in his long, awesome string of mischievous bastard roles, completely justifying why I'm a huge fan of the guy to this day. Phoebe Cates, who was THE it-girl at the time of this movie's release after immortal roles (and not just for her acting) in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" and "Private School," shockingly did an about-face to play tough-but-sweet bartender Kate Beringer. And then there's Zach Galligan.

In short, nonstop fun from start to finish. "Gremlins," as a Spielberg project, was also blessed with a big special effects budget and some very talented people working behind the scenes to bring its titular little monsters to life, resulting in some of the more gross moments to hit theater screens at the time of its release. Especially considering that this flick carried a PG rating, and thus no doubt traumatized several innocent children in the audience. Not me, though. I thought this movie was pure awesomeness even as a five-year-old.

For the culturally impaired, the plot: as the film opens, Randall Peltzer (Hoyt Axton), is attempting to find a Christmas present for his son in Chinatown, Manhattan. After pawning off his latest invention "the Bathroom Buddy" on an unsuspecting old shop owner, he is shown the present that he seeks - a Mogwai, a fuzzy, cute little animal unlike anything Randall has ever seen. And for any child of the '80s, you know the rules for handling a Mogwai:

(1) Don't get him wet;
(2) Don't shine bright lines on him;
(3) And most importantly, WHATEVER YOU DO, don't feed him after midnight.

I don't know why, but I keep getting tempted to type those annoying :) smiley faces after several of the phrases in this review. I guess I'm just in an optimistic mood.

Logistics of the third rule aside (isn't it ALWAYS after midnight), Randall takes the Mogwai home to his family. We meet the wife and mother (Frances Lee McCain), and the son, Billy (Galligan). Billy himself is a kind-hearted son working at a bank to support his family, along with Kate (Cates), his primary love interest.

"Gremlins," as a movie which attempts to convey the sense of small-town America, gives us a large, colorful, eclectic cast of characters; the two standouts in the bunch that the film gives us in the early-goings are Mrs. Deegle (Polly Holiday), an old shrew who carries considerable financial influence in the town and hates Billy's poor dog with a passion; and, of course, Mr. Fudderman, played by the immortal Dick Miller (for the trivia-interested, Miller has cameo roles in every single film that Dante has ever directed), the town drunk who has a few stories about gremlins from his WWII days that he's just dying to share. While "Gremlins II" isn't the greatest film in the world, it's awesome on the merit that it turns Fudderman into a total badass.

There's your setup - and now the meat. Of course, Billy eventually inadvertently breaks one of the rules when Feldman's character accidentally spills some water on Gizmo (the name given to Billy's cute little Mogwai), causing the furry tyke to shoot several cocoons out of his back which soon multiply into other Mogwai. Unlike the angelic Gizmo, however, these Mogwai have decidedly NASTY sides to their personality, most noticeably the Mohawk-adorned Stripe, who seems to be the leader of this new batch of fur-sprouters. I really liked "Gremlins" when I was a kid, but I friggin' LOVED Stripe - he may have been the first horror villain that I enjoyed on his badass quotient alone, and for good reason. He may be small, but with the masterful effects work employed by Spielberg's top-notch crew, he has a distinctive personality and a true malevolence that is sadly lacking in many of the CGI creations of today's cinema.

To make a long story short, Stripe is eventually able to trick Billy into feeding him, and his cronies, a batch of chicken after midnight - which leads to them turning into gremlins - ugly, clawed instruments of destruction with the goal of turning Billy's small town into a war zone. With gremlins now running amok, it's up to Billy and Kate to step in and save the day...

Like most of the super-mega-successful movies of the '80s (especially the ones connected in some way to Spielberg), "Gremlins" is a textbook example of the classic three-act structure that sadly most modern action and sci-fi extravaganzas throw out the window. Start out with a basic situation, raise the stakes in the middle sections, and break out all hell in the finale. As such, this is phenomenal entertainment, and one of the essential Christmas-themed horror films of all time.

IHR Induction #18: "Silent Night Deadly Night" (1984, Charles E. Sellier Jr.)

When it comes to horror, the Horror Nerd is a slasher aficionado first, and all other things are secondary.

As such, "Silent Night Deadly Night," for yours truly, is THE Christmas horror movie. Unlike the previous week's inductee "Black Christmas," it was released in 1984 right in the middle of the great slasher film boom, and didn't have to worry about any pesky things like paving the way, plot, story, or character development. Don't get me wrong - there are some of those things in this movie, but they're hardly there to be showcased. "Silent Night Deadly Night" was meant as THE Christmas slasher cash machine in the vein that "Halloween" was for...um, Halloween, and "New Year's Evil" was for January 1st. As that, it's dynamite - hey, I say that every holiday needs a great slasher film to serve as its accompaniment, and this is a movie that gets automatic airplay in my VCR in the week leading up to December 25th.

This movie is pure cheese. It's unapologetic about this goal, aiming only to entertain and to keep you from falling asleep. As such, this film has also attained cult classic status over the years, both for the raw entertainment value of this film and the internet meme that arose from the "rampage" scene in its sequel. You know the "Garbage day!" video that one of your annoying co-workers likely sent you at some point on Youtube? Yup - we have the "Silent Night Deadly Night" series to thank for that.

But that film's focus was on Ricky Chapman. In the original film, our central character is Billy (seriously, what is it with the writers of Christmas-themed horror films and antagonists named Billy?) Chapman, played by Robert Brian Wilson, average ordinary worker at Ira's toy store. His past, however, is anything but ordinary - in the movie's opening chapters, we see a curious episode involving his catatonic grandfather telling him that Santa Claus punishes wrongdoers, followed by a horrific incident involving a man dressed in a Santa suit involved in a robbery gone wrong. In a bizarre twist, the robber winds up murdering Billy's parents, leaving him and his younger brother wards of the state at a Catholic orphanage.

I'm sure that I've used this phrase before, but I don't care - it fits. This being a slasher film, I think you know where the film goes from here - Billy feels his homicidal urges, and hatred for all the nasty, mean, and fornicating teenagers surrounding his life, rising up within him. This, of course, leads to typical 1980s slasher movie kill-crazy rampage past the halfway point of the flick's brisk 85 minute running time.

In that rampage, there are some excellent kill scenes. If Joe Bob Briggs were writing this review, it would go something like "Christmas light fu, box cutter fu, hammer fu, Rambo-style bow and arrow fu, taxidermied-deer-antler fu, a seven on the vomit meter - so Joe Bob says check this one out!

Yes, "Silent Night Deadly Night" is visceral, awesome fun on pretty much every level. As expected, the acting - with the exception of the vivacious and talented Linnea Quigley as the requisite "teen making love" character in the film - is pretty much atrocious across the board. If you're like me, however, this isn't a bad point when it comes to slasher films at all. According to the Horror Nerd and other hopeless losers, the whole act of viewing a slasher film is an experience - and if you take away the bad acting, one of the best parts of the experience is gone. It's what gives these films - which so many of us grow up on - their innate charm, which this film has in spades. It's easy to see why this film has gone on to be a cult classic, as we're hit with a bevy of unintentionally hilarious moments.

And while he's not a very good actor by any means, Wilson accomplishes the impossible by making Billy a fairly deep - and even fairly relatable - lead villain. Not that I - or any of you - have ever wished of being a killer dressed in a Santa suit, but the movie does delve deep into Billy's psyche early in the movie, and Wilson is able to convey this depth to the audience when the movie hits its rampage-filled second and third acts.

Of course, I wouldn't be able to review this film without mentioning the long series of sequels that have been churned out over the years. Of these, the most notorious is "Silent Night Deadly Night 2," from which the aforementioned Youtube "Garbage day!" scene is taken from. The third film is pure hilarity and epic in its badness, featuring the killer Ricky Chapman (yes, Billy's younger brother would be featured as the villain in the second and third films in the series) showing telepathic powers. Yes, really. The fourth is the "Halloween III" of the series, having nothing to do with the previous films, and concerns a vicious man-hating cult of killer vixens, while the fifth is an interesting and intermittently creepy Christmas toy-themed horror film.

So just read the above paragraph again - how can you go wrong with this series?

"Silent Night Deadly Night" is a movie that you will either love or hate. There is no middle ground. I, for one, love the hell out of it, as it is one of the many movies that I saw for the first time on TNT MonsterVision during the heyday of Joe Bob's run on cable television, and appreciate the genuine love for movie-making that emanates from its every scene. It's not even a GOOD movie if you're looking at it from the angle of a snooty film professor - but you don't need those negatrons. You have me, and the Horror Nerd says this is essential watching.

And immediately afterward, track down the sequel and laugh yourself into hysterics. PUNISH!