Adventures in Horror Movie Collecting

The official count: 349...ish.

I say "ish" because some movies are hard to classify.  For example, I have that awesome Alfred Hitchcock Masterpiece Collection.  There's 14 movies in that thing, but I only counted four of them as horror.  On the other hand, I also have a fair bit of TV season sets, and they count as one each.  And then there are things that I DID list that are dubious in and of themselves, but f**k it, Predator and Alien have the primary intention of scaring audiences, thus, they're horror to me.  And then there's that godawful $12 "Horror Classics 50-Movie Pack" that I bought at the online equivalent of Family Dollar that upped that total in a big way.  It counts, dammit! 

At any rate, I've been collecting horror movies for a while.  Nine years, to be exact.  Admittedly, I've tailed off with this a lot in recent years in no small part due to me finally joining the 21st century and doing stuff like...subscribing to Netflix.  Shudder.  The first couple of years were no doubt the most fun I've ever had being a movie fan, starting off with the familiar movies of my youth, loading up on slasher films, discovering J-horror and becoming borderline obsessed, and finally branching out into European stuff with Dario Argento as my guide.  Also, by and large stuff was cheaper then.  Nothing was out of print like it is now, and people on Amazon and eBay weren't such vultures.  You'd be surprised how many of those DVD's up above were found for less than five bucks.  I'm guessing well over half.

Now?  On the sporadic occasions that I still buy horror movies (and I just added 38 films to the collection last week - more on that later), I sample a little bit of everything.  It's all been culled from this journey that I've been on since childhood, being fascinated with campfire scary stories, terrified as all hell by Jason Voorhees, and now as a curmudgeonly, nerdy adult.  But horror is a film genre that contains more variety than any other type of film, and as such, the Lick Ness Library (shudder #2) contains its fair share of slightly interesting stories. 

THE BREAD AND BUTTER: JASON, FREDDY AND MICHAEL
Yeah, any self-respecting horror fan owes it to themselves to have these guys in their collection.  I've now TRIPLE-DIPPED on the Friday the 13th series, first in the "Crystal Lake to Manhattan" crappy set, then the Deluxe Edition DVD set, and now the super-nifty Blu-Ray set.  I still have my original New Line platinum series NOES box set (complete with scratches that make it look like Krueger is attempting to claw out of the box on one side) from back in the day, and I'm perfectly satisfied with that.  Halloween, though, is a different animal.  For years, I was perfectly content to just have the first two movies and call it a day since, to me, that's where the series ends anyway.  But that new Blu-Ray set kept calling my name, like the sweetest Stevie Wonder song.  Eventually, I gave in, which means I now have the entire series in glorious 1080p HD - even those godforsaken Rob Zombie abominations.  Shudder #3.

BANG FOR THE BUCK: JU-ON
Long ago on a January night in 2008, I popped in the DVD of Ju-On: The Grudge, the O.G. Japanese version of the Sarah Michelle Gellar flick you all know and either love or loathe.  I paid exactly $2.98 for that DVD, and even less for its sequel.  I can say with complete confidence that I've gotten more entertainment out of these two discs than any other movies in my entire collection, because for the next couple of years that series became my life.  There wasn't much else to track down - a cheap set containing the first two prequel movies found with the help of an online forum acquaintance, the duo 2009 "Black Ghost/White Ghost" films, and the AmeriJap trilogy.  I've watched all of them at least ten times, but nothing will ever top the original two theatrical Japanese films.  Hell, sometimes I still give them a watch when I have nothing else going on, which is admittedly a pretty common occurrence.

THE NEVER-WATCHED AWARD: THE "HORROR CLASSICS" BOX SET
The AFOREMENTIONED Horror Classics 50-movie pack...ah yes.  Classics.  They might be classics, but not everything with that label has to be good.  I bought this set on Amazon for less than $15 as a nice, quick and dirty way to add a bunch of cheap public domain horror movies to the collection.  That's what it was intended for, and that's what I use it for.  Pretty much exclusively, since it has pretty much sat on my shelf ever since and done nothing else of note.  Now, I HAVE watched a couple of the movies contained within: Carnival of Souls and the original Night of the Living Dead.  Everything else has been neglected, and I don't know if there's enough wild oats in this world to make me devote 70 minutes of my life to The Giant Gila Monster.

TV SHOWS RULE!
I own a few horror-related TV series in their entirety or near-entirety.  Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Night Gallery, Tales From the Crypt and The X-Files, to be exact.  I've always wanted to own the original Twilight Zone series as well, but now that I have Netflix, I'll just save my $100 and play it on repeat.  I've gotten a lot of mileage out of these sets.  For that reason, I LOVE TV on DVD.  For sheer volume, they can't be beat, and I really do need to start looking into more of this stuff.  What say you, guys?  Are Sleepy Hollow and Bates Motel worth buying?

THE CROWN JEWEL: UNIVERSAL MONSTER MOVIES
The most recent addition to the collection just arrived in the mail last week.  At the low-low price of $115, it was the box set containing all 30 classic Universal Monster Movies.  For a lesson in horror history, it doesn't get any better than this.  Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolf Man, the Creature From the Black Lagoon, if you know your film history, this is pretty much ground zero of where horror started.  While there are series and sets containing movies that I definitely LIKE more, this is easily the coolest thing that I have so far.  The presentation is just amazing, the extras and documentaries are fascinating as all hell, and it even comes with a very well-written little book detailing the entire history of Universal Pictures' Horror Dynasty.  For fellow horror nerds like me, I can't recommend this one enough.  As for the films themselves, reviews are forthcoming...this October.  /lightning crash

CURRENTLY OUT-OF-PRINT
Just last week, I sold my DVD set of Unsolved Mysteries for the whopping price of $400.  The last thing I ever expected when I BOUGHT that set was for its value to skyrocket after going out of print, but that's exactly what happened, and since I'd already watched it three times I essentially said f**k it, I'll take the quick bucks.  I'm not sure that I have anything else of similar potential in the collection, but I DO have a couple items that are no longer produced and could appreciate in value - the Sleepaway Camp Survival Kit containing the original trilogy of slasher classics and the Puppet Master DVD collection, which actually WAS highly valued for a few years before dropping recently because they've since released a newer, snazzier box set that has that stupid Demonic Toys movie in it.

THE FUTURE
Sometime within the next five years, I'm going to put together my dream project.  In my spare bedroom, no less, so if I ever have guests, sorry, you've just going to have to sleep on the couch.  Basically, I want a room in my house that looks just like the video stores of my youth, with shelves of DVD's lining the walls and the long, "artwork" side of the boxes all facing outward.  I plan on going all-out with this theme, planting a TV up in one corner of the room that can play any movie in any format; a section devoted to various horror books, both fiction and nonfiction; and posters lining the walls, from ones I have to expensive-as-shit rare ones that I'll have to buy just for the project.  It also means that I'll have to get some movies that aren't currently in the collection, because who's going to want to go into a room like this and NOT see The Exorcist or Dawn of the Dead?

Anyway, that's where I'm at as a horror movie collector in 2016.  When I give people that number of "349," there's usually an audible reaction that's a mix of "impressive" crossed with "wow, you're a loser."  I like being somewhere in the middle.  So, to anyone out there who likes horror movies and is beginning to think about dabbling into starting that physical collection, the only advice I have is that no collection is built in a day.  Be patient and spend wisely, and you can up that number pretty fast with movies that you actually WANT to watch and more than a few movies that you'll likely never pop in the DVD player.  Happy collecting!

The Presence (2010)

2010
Directed by Tom Provost
Starring Mira Sorvino, Justin Kirk, Tony Curran and Shane "The Pimp" West

For all of my fellow horror fans out there, I'm sure that you've heard some of these genius comments at some point in your life:
"Oh, this movie is in BLACK AND WHITE??!"
"That looks so FAKE!!"
"You have to READ this movie??  Screw that!"

And other assorted gems of observation that are too good to mention.  Because, you know, I wasn't aware of any of these things while watching these movies, and I'm not going to watch them anymore, so thanks for pointing out these startling facts!

The "special effects" comments are always particularly amusing to me.  Now, I know that film is subjective and everyone can think what they want, but...really?  Refusing to watch movies because they don't have $100 million budgets to blow CGI on?  My point: a movie's budget is never a reason to see it or not see it.  I genuinely can't remember the last big megadoom action blockbuster I saw that I actually wanted to watch again.  It really is quite ironic.  These days, Hollywood do anything that a writer can imagine with minimal effort.  But...

The movie in question today is excellent antidote.  The Presence is a super-nifty little thriller from 2010 that was shot for roughly how much it costs to buy a Whopper Jr. value meal, and it doesn't matter in the least bit.  It's creepy, it's atmospheric, and it has the awesomeness of seeing Mira Sorvino onscreen for virtually the entire running time.  If Robert Stack were still alive, no doubt he could have a field day with the mystery of what has happened to her career.  Of all the actors who could have been banished to Lifetime original movies, how this Oscar winner (who is also certifiably hot) wound up in this predicament...man, it's mind-boggling.  And I'll just leave it at that.  To this day, every once in a while she still gets the chance to show her acting chops, and if you're up for a tour-de-force performance look no further.

Folks, The Presence is all about LESS IS MORE.  Longtime readers know that if there is anything in a movie that gives me an erection, it's that very principle.  The first 15 minutes consists of almost nothing but total silence, as Sorvino (whose character is never named in the movie - IMDB lists her as merely "The Woman," and the same can be said for the rest of the characters) arrives at a lakeside cabin alone.  We watch her maintain the place, do chores, sleep, it's like the first five minutes of Jason Goes to Hell only we actually buy that it IS building to something. 

All throughout, the movie introduces its interesting visual quirk, as a ghost is watching her.  The audience can see the dude but Sorvino can't.  It really is unnerving how this is presented - it's like a J-horror movie if you've got the patience for that sort of thing (which a lot of people don't, sadly).  The ghost is played by Shane West, and he's got all kinds of rules that he must abide by.  No leaving the house.  No physically interacting with the living.  It's not spelled out exactly, but the fact that I was able to pick up on this is a testament to the script.  Where this is going is very intriguing on the first watch, but SLIGHTLY unfortunately this is where the boyfriend shows up.

Yes, sir, Justin Kirk of Weeds arrives, the longtime significant other of Sorvino's character, and it's here where we get a lot more development.  See, Sorvino had a very troubled childhood in the form of a father who sexually abused her, and we get all kinds of dialogue that clue us in that Kirk has wanted to marry Sorvino for a while but she has refused based on her natural distrust of relationships and having children.  The boyfriend is easily the weakest thing about this movie; the script tries to paint him as this likable, sympathetic guy, but he really comes off as more of a milquetoast annoying douche.  Fortunately, we're about to get hit with a twist that's way more interesting than him.

While the ghost watches somewhat jealously, a new entity makes its presence felt in the house.  A dark presence.  So dark that he is named "The Dark Man" on IMDB.  Ladies and gentlemen, our resident horror movie demon character, with Tony Curran hamming it up in just the right ways.  He whispers combinations of threats an temptations in Sorvino's ear about what Kirk's motivations are (and, again, the audience can see him but the human characters can't).  He also tempts West's ghost in a way, as the poor sap also has romantic feelings for Sorvino despite the fact that he has a ghost dick that is probably useless in this situation.  The way that the movie plays out from this point on is fairly predictable, but it's artfully done, a mix of melodrama and scary stuff that hits all of its marks exactly as it should. 

People, emotional investment is what movies are all about.  It's why I enjoy The Presence and don't care about The Avengers in the least bit.  I was REALLY invested in Sorvino's character in this movie.  A lot of it is on the script.  Tom Provost (who also directed) can definitely be proud of the story that he churned out here because it's a masterclass in pacing, starting off slow and gradually escalating until we get a satisfying climax.  When I start talking like a snooty film professor, you know we're dealing with some good stuff.  It also helps when you have an actor who really nails the way that a character is written, and that's exactly what we get with Sorvino here.  There are actors who would have been all "yeah yeah blah blah" with this role, but she was into it every step of the way and it shows.  Shane West's ghost character is also very intriguing and has an arc of his own to go through.  Hell, pretty much everything about this movie works.

Well, except for Justin Kirk.  That dude can fuck right off.

*** 1/2 out of ****.  It's LESS IS MORE by the letter, 90% story, 10% scares, and that's about as perfect of a ratio as I can think of.  Highly recommended.

The Screaming Skull (1958)

1958
Directed by Alex Nicol
Starring John Hudson, Peggy Webber and Russ Conway

Pre-MPAA horror movies.  They're a real mixed bag, I tell ya.  Sometimes, they're a mixed bag within the SAME DAMN FILM, and this is what we get with The Screaming Skull, a classic in all the wrong ways no matter how occasionally tedious it might be.

DVD collection masturbation time: I own a few insanely cheap "50-movie-in-a-pack" type horror movie bundles.  For something like ten bucks, you get 50 movies on roughly ten discs.  The movies are, almost without fail, absolutely awful, as they're public domain stuff that anybody can release.  One of the drawbacks of having an insanely large movie collection is that there is no way that you'll ever watch every single thing you own, and I don't know if there's enough wild oats in this world to make me watch ALL of these flicks in rapid-fire succession.  Of the ones I HAVE seen, though, The Screaming Skull is one that I actually don't particularly mind.  It definitely fits into the "so bad it's good" category for yours truly despite virtually every film critic disagreeing vehemently.  You've also got to hand it to any movie that had the balls back in the day to make its ad campaign that it was so horrifying that it could literally KILL you.  That is some grade-A chutzpah right there. 

There's two things that this movie has going for it: it's really simple, and really short, clocking in at just a hair over an hour.  If every movie were this length, Jon Lickness would be a very happy man.  That simple plot, in a nutshell: newlyweds Jenni (Peggy Webber, who also starred in another "so bad it's good" classic The Space Children) and Eric (John Hudson) are moving into a really, really big countryside home.  Weird stuff starts going down.  Shocking climax.  One of the joys of movies like this is the unapologetic basic-ness that we see played out in front of us, and this flick fits the bill in spades.  Both characters are distinguishable enough, I guess, although I've got to hand it to Peggy Noonan for taking on this movie with way more energy than she could have.  And for being super hot in the "1958 mom" kind of way.

For a movie that seemingly zips by at light speed, it's amazingly all about that build, that build, with treble.  That horrible joke gets unleashed because the music in this film is the kind of dreadful, dreary funeral dirge that is clearly meant to drive right into your gut and make you feel all sorts of painful fear.  Instead, it's just kind of blah.  We get clued in to some of the stuff that led up to the events of this film, as this is actually Eric's second marriage.  His first wife Marion died after slipping and cracking her head open on the ground (not making that up, it's said in pretty much as many words in the movie's Oscar-winning screenplay).  The movie is planting those seeds of doubt in your head about what is going on, as Jenni begins having all kinds of weird happenings involving skulls.

Yup, skulls.  The movie is called The Screaming Skull after all.  And now, ladies and gentlemen, for everyone's favorite read-by-8-subscribers segment of Lick Ness Monster's Horror Movie Mayhem: the Boring Life and Times of Jon Lickness.  As a kid, I absolutely loved reading about ghosts, UFOs, bigfoot, all of that stuff.  I checked out every book at the local library (remember those?) on this very subject, and many of them had stories involving a haunted screaming skull in some long-forgotten English palatial estate.  The story terrified me to my very soul, and I always wondered why someone hadn't made a movie pretty much depicting this real-life case to the letter.  Well, somebody had!  Only...we got this.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

The movie takes the mystery angle, but alas, it's not much of a mystery.  It's actually kind of hilarious, as Jenni thinks that the ghost of Marion is haunting her.  She hears a scream.  She sees a skull.  Rinse, lather, repeat, and that's the middle section of this movie.  We also get our single red herring here in the form of the groundskeeper Mickey, played by the director himself.  So we've got a new bride with a background of mental health problems, a mentally challenged groundskeeper, and a husband who may or may not be murdering his wives for their money.  Spoiler alert.  Which of these threats is the correct one?  Is there truly a ghost, or is it all in Jenni's mind?  And if it IS a ghost, who is it trying to torment?  Do you care?  The answer is...not really.  Except for that scene where Peggy Noonan strips down to her underwear.  That scene is absolutely captivating.

What IS pretty good is the movie's climax, which the first couple minutes of this movie brag might just put you in a casket (exact quote).  Now, it's not THAT good.  But it does provide a pretty satisfying payoff, complete with a chase involving the movie's vengeful ghost (spoiler alert #2) chasing around both Jenni and Eric at different points.  There's plenty of creepy visuals here and a soundtrack that does a good job evoking the sense of dread that had been sorely lacking up until this point.  I can't say that the movie left me feeling unsatisfied.  And a dude throwing a chair at a walking skeleton is hilarious.

As you can tell, this movie is definitely not good.  It was shot on the ultra-cheap, and it shows.  The acting is pretty bad with the exception of Webber, but that's probably just me perving on a woman born in 1925 (because I'm such a winner).  And the mystery and twists are all telegraphed from a mile away.  Still, I can't give this movie the BAD label, because I remember it when it's over.  For that, I award The Screaming Skull ** 1/2 out of ****.  It's definitely worth a watch for some solid entertainment to fall asleep to.  As long as you don't start with the final ten minutes or so.