Night School (1981)

1981
Directed by Ken Hughes
Starring Leonard Mann, Rachel Ward and Drew Snyder

Unlike a lot of the movies that I review here on the blog, there's no big sentimental back story when it comes to the movie in question today.  Mainly because I just saw it for the first time four days ago.  Seeking out the movie with that awesome "these are the best times, of our lives, these are the best times" flick from my youth (for the uninitiated, it was Killer Party) also yielded this particular cinematic masterwork from the golden age of slasher flicks.  Lo and behold, it wasn't released on DVD until 2011.  After watching it, I can kind of understand why.

As directed by Ken Hughes, Night School definitely has that trademark early '80s slasher movie atmosphere going for it.  It's dark, it's drab and it's dreary, and that all works to the movie's advantage.  Unfortunately, there are also a few things that work against it, which we'll be getting to in due time.  Enough chit-chat, let's get to the show.

The movie combines the tried-and-true slasher tropes with just a bit of giallo thriller, as we've got a "mystery killer" flick on our hands here.  It starts with a young teacher's assistant getting murdered (on a piece of playground equipment, no less) by a figure in full motorcycle regalia.  The head is dumped in a nearby can full of water, and that's our giallo-style clue that will continue to haunt us for the remainder of the running time. 

Within short order, we're introduced to our core group of characters.  Chief among them is detective Judd Astin (Mann), smart guy from Harvard who truthfully has a little bit of an air of superiority about him that comes off as dislikable.  Or maybe that's just the performance.  Leonard Mann toiled about in nothing roles for the vast majority of his career, and I've got to say that it's poetic justice, because the guy is simply not very good.  He's supposed to come off as heroic and inquisitive here, but instead just screams "douchebag" from the jump.  When another victim crops up, he sets his sights on anthropology professor Vincent Millet (Snyder) and his live-in assistant/girlfriend Eleanor (Ward).  Of the three principal leads, Rachel Ward easily has the most charisma and personality, and it's no wonder that director Hughes quickly focuses a lot of the attention on her character. 

For a slasher film released in 1981, we don't get much in the way of creative deaths.  That said, the movie does do a pretty decent job during its death sequences creating a sense of dread.  Complete with some of the most dreadful synthy music that I've heard in any horror movie, there actually are a couple scenes in this movie that made me wince - especially the long, drawn-out stuff after Ward is chased into her home by the movie's resident peeping tom.  The less said about that guy, the better.  All of the deaths revolve around the college coeds romantically linked to professor Miller, as the dude is a ladies' man of sorts who isn't satisfied by having the insanely hot and loyal Eleanor around. 

In a way, this plot device leads us to one of the most unsatisfying mysteries out of any horror film I've seen.  Roughly halfway through, it becomes painfully obvious who the red herrings are and who the killer will inevitably be, and it removes every ounce of suspense that the movie had going for it in the early goings with the synth score, the cool "curved" knife that the killer employs and the bits where the heads of the victims inevitably turn up in water.  Combine that with the fact that detective Astin manages to get more douchy and unlikable as the story uncoils, I found myself wishing for the movie to be over on more than a few occasions.

That's really a shame.  Night School really starts out strong, with a great murder sequence, a great Boston setting and an interesting concept for its killer that felt like a slightly cooler version of the Prowler from...um...The Prowler.  Whenever Ward gets a chance to speak, she does her absolute damndest to salvage the material, but she can't bring it up from the mediocrity that it was destined to become.  But then again, what do I know, as this movie has actually amassed a pretty decent cult following since 1981.  In which case, go for yours, brothers.

Oh, and don't even get me started on Astin's police partner.  He kinda looks like John Kapelos, and he'll kinda make you ant to throw a brick through your TV.  You've been warned.

** out of ****.  It's worth checking out for history's sake if you're a slasher movie diehard, but it's worth avoiding for anyone else.

The Stand (1994)

1994
Directed by Mick Garris
Starring Gary Sinise, Molly Ringwald, Jamey Sheridan, Rob Lowe, Laura San Giacomo, Miguel Ferrer and Bill "Patrick" Fagerbakke

I don't know if there is a single THING that defines my junior high years quite as much as The Stand.  This flick was hyped up to me for months on end by a friend who watched it during its initial TV broadcast in 1994, playing it up to a legendary status that only Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter had in my mind.  When ABC replayed it in the summer of '98, I was glued to the set and it didn't disappoint.  It eventually whet my appetite to read the MASSIVE novel that it's based on, and as the single biggest, most epic of all King's old-school novels, it's right up there with the three or four best books I've ever read.  Quite frankly, this is just an amazing story all around.

There are times where I wish I'd experienced this story the other way around.  As in, reading the book first.  When I paged through the 1000+ pages of the book, all of the actors' faces were pasted in my mind already.  There is something to be said for letting your mind's eye be the director of any book you read, and the fact that I was picturing Molly Ringwald as Frannie Goldsmith...man, it was a real buzzkill.  Thus, if you're a Stand newbie, I'd highly recommend picking up a cheapo copy of the paperback uncut edition first.  Trust me - it's money well spent.  But even if you ARE a newbie, there's worse ways to get into this story and Stephen King in general than this here miniseries, so let's get started.

Split into four nights and four respective sections, the film tells the long story of the end of the world.  The real fun, however, occurs AFTER said massive apocalypse (which is refreshingly created using something OTHER than zombies).  With that, let's take a closer look at the four individual parts.

Part 1 - "The Plague"
More or less, this is a recreation of "Book I" of the novel.  The government has created a superflu virus that escapes its military base confines when a security guard bravely retreats.  Before you know it, the flu is loose in the American public, spreading from person to person and killing everyone it comes into contact with.  To be sure, there are LOTS of shots of people in hospital beds throughout this section of the movie, but fear not, kids, it's only an hour and a half.  We're introduced to LOTS of characters as the plague wipes through humanity.  Most prominent is Stu Redman (played by Gary Sinise in a pitch-perfect performance), good ol' boy from Texas who finds himself held captive in the center for disease control after showing a mysterious immunity to the illness.  There's also the aforementioned Frannie Goldsmith (Ringwald in the only out-and-out casting misfire), somewhat dangerous and rebellious musician Larry Underwood (Adam Storke), deaf-mute Nick Andros (Rob Lowe) and criminal Lloyd Henreid (Miguel Ferrer), all of whom dealing with the plague in different ways.  The closing bit is the highlight here, as Stu escapes his captors in a pretty damn nifty sequence.

Part 2 - "The Dreams"
Warning information for all: The Stand is very much a movie concerned with Christianity, so people uncomfortable with this, take heed.  The movie is in essence a story of the final battle between good and evil, with all of the main characters immune to the superflu being "drafted" to one of the two distinct sides.  How does this relate to "The Dreams?"  Well, the characters are informed about which side their destiny lies via...you guessed it...dreams.  There's saintly Mother Abigail (Ruby Dee, who is aces), a 106-year-old woman whose deep religious beliefs define her.  And then there's Randall Flagg (Jamey Sheridan, who nails the book's character better than anybody could have in 1994), a kinda-sorta Antichrist/Demon who represents the bad.  This section of the movie concerns every character's journey toward their destiny, with the section involving Nick and his new friend Tom Cullen (Bill Fagerbakke during his Daughber days) being the most captivating.  We're also introduced to philosopher Glen Bateman (Ray Walston)...and the movie's true ace in the hole, Nadine Cross.  Laura San Giacomo lends her acting talents and insane levels of hotness toward this character who becomes romantically involved with Larry, but the sinister nature of what lies beneath her character grows to become the shining star of the flick. 

Part 3 - "The Betrayal"
By this point, the groups have become established in different locales.  Stu, Glen, Nick and the rest of the good guys have taken up residence in Boulder, Colorado to establish the "Boulder Free Zone," while Flagg's minions are calling Las Vegas their base of operations.  A good portion of Night Three involves the residents of the Free Zone attempting to form a democracy again, with Stu serving as a de facto Mayor before an entire committee of residents are elected to serve.  The betrayal comes in the form of my favorite character in the novel - Harold Lauder, a gawky high school student who is in love with Frannie only to watch her walk away with Stu.  Combined with being left off the committee, this dude is mighty pissed off and wants revenge, and gets that opportunity when Flagg sends his would-be bride Nadine to...uh...persuade him into doing his bidding.  Corin Nemec did a decent enough job as Harold, although I do think that they could have found someone better for the role.  Since so much of this part focuses on him, this is probably the least of the four chapters.  Definitely not worth skipping or anything, but there's plenty of filler.  Although none of that filler takes the form of Laura San Giacomo wearing sexy outfits.  That stuff is amazing.

Part 4 - "The Stand"
It's time for the final battle, and that final battle comes in the form of Mother Abigail's dying wish - that four of the main characters (Stu, Glen, Larry and Oklahoma yokel Ralph Brentman) head out for Las Vegas on foot.  Why?  Don't question God, dummy.  Director Mick Garris (who earlier helmed the Stephen King theatrical film Sleepwalkers, and would go on to direct the miniseries version of The Shining) does a great job maintaining tension throughout this segment, as parts of it are nothing short of gutwrenching.  In between the four main characters walking journey, we get the true creepification of Flagg.  He shows his pissed off side on a few occasions as his empire begins melting away from him, showing his true form in bits that are a little chuckle-worthy in these days of crisp, clean CGI.  Fortunately for all, the final half-hour is nothing short of electric and cathartic, just as much as the book's ending was, and I've got nothing but the highest praise for this section of the flick.  Very well done, and everything that I expected out of it then and now.

If it isn't apparent, I'm a big fan of this movie.  Every so often, the subject of a theatrical film comes up (or God forbid a series of masturbatory films, of which I'm sure the final part would be split up into two films to bleed moviegoers for the most money possible), and I can't understand why.  This nails the essence of the book better than just about anything else could have, cutting out some characters entirely, combining others, and streamlining the whole sprawling epic into something that the public could take in, interpret, and even become outright engrossed in.  For a six-hour movie, there is amazingly almost nothing that drags here with the exception of some of Part 3 (Boulder Free Zone meeting, I'm looking at you).  What we've got in between is an almost perfectly cast, occasionally suspenseful, and very powerful scary flick that manages to make its subject matter...well, matter.

*** 1/2 out of ****.  Six hours of time that fly by, and highly recommended for any horror, fantasy, and Stephen King fans out there.

Killer Party (1986)

1986
Directed by William Fruet
Starring Elaine Wilkes, Shery Willis-Burch, Joanna Johnson, Martin Hewitt and Paul Bartel

Boring backstory information: I saw the final 10 minutes or so of this movie way, way, WAY back sometime in 1991 when I was waiting for WCW to come on.  Lo and behold that I actually wanted to watch the end of the freakin' movie more than Jim Herd's post-Pizza Hut project of choice.  In ten minutes of riveting television, I was treated to a rabid demon woman, a creepy twist ending that indicated that the surviving girl was most likely dead meat, and a pretty damn catchy end credits song in "These Are the Best Times of Our Lives."  It's that damn SONG that's haunted me for damn near 25 years, and one "horror movie with 'these are the best times of our lives' song" Google search later I finally had the name of that TBS afternoon movie that scared the crap out of me all those years ago.

It's called Killer Party, originally titled April Fool.  Hence the title of that awesome White Sister song that plays over the movie's opening credits.  I'm somewhat sorry to say that it doesn't live up to the sterling expectations I had for it, mainly due to an almost suicidal build period that does nothing for any of the characters involved and drags to an almost comical degree.  It DOES pick up slightly in the final trimester, but only slightly. 

The flick starts off very promising, with the aforementioned White Sister song being the second part of what is a DOUBLE not happening-dream sequence beating the audience into submission.  The rest of the build, unfortunately, is nowhere near as much fun.  What we have here is a college acceptance movie, with our three principal leads being three would-be sorority pledges.  There's smart, sassy Vivia (Wills-Burch), somewhat nondescript Jennifer (Johnson, who despite her vanilla character is probably the best actress of the three - particularly when she enters full Demon Mode), and sweet Phoebe (Wilkes).  The three girls themselves are actually pretty likable, but the movie foolishly wastes them and makes most of the buildup about...other people.  Most specifically the fraternity brothers who spend their time committing pranks on the sorority and then trying to get in their pants mere minutes later.  Expert strategy, if you ask me. 

The night of the big pledge arrives, where we get one of those classic Movie Greek Ceremony scenes that are about nine steps over the top.  Vivia commits a prank of her own during this sequence that actually saves the initiation for herself and her friends.  This leaves our terrific trio (I know...groan) in charge of the April Fool's dance on campus, which just so happens to take place in a creepy abandoned frat house where some kid died 22 years prior.  And it also just so happens that said kid was into occultism, and managed to potentially conjure up some kind of mystical demon. 

Watching the final third of the movie unfold, I really was struck by the very sad fact about that I've become an older, jaded horror fan.  I was a notorious scaredy-cat as a kid.  I'd watch the Friday the 13th movies fairly regularly, but fully admit that they caused me some near-sleepless nights in grade school.  This stuff would have probably terrified me back then.  Now, I've seen my fair share of tongue-in-cheek, goofy horror movies, and since this one wasn't throwing much in the way of over-the-top kill scenes or over-the-top nudity my direction, I found myself losing attention and desperately trying to think of other things to do.  And this makes me very depressed. 

As for the story, what we've got with the "kill portion" of this movie is Jennifer being possessed by the demon that Fraternity Kid managed to conjure up in the house.  None of the deaths are particularly creative, although we do get the use of an actual, honest-to-christ guillotine.  I'm always a mark for guillotine scenes.  The final chase is also pretty well done, particularly since it involves the three main characters and thus the three people in the movie that we actually give a flying fuck about.  It all builds up to that ending that I remembered from 1991, one that probably would have still managed to effect me as a battle-hardened 31-year-old.  But it wasn't enough to rag this movie's goofy build out of the doldrums.

The movie went in and out of theaters quicker than a hiccup back in '86, and it's not hard to figure out why.  The slasher movie craze was already on the wane by that point, and this not-very-sleazy entry in the genre probably wasn't going to entice many people to make the trek to the local movie house on Friday night.  Even with the admittedly pretty good soundtrack that it has.  Thus, while it has some good stuff acting wise from its three leads and a solid finale, this is a hard movie to recommend, nostalgia be damned.

** out of ****.  I can't help but think the reason that TBS was showing this in 1991 was because the rights were likely dirt cheap, and for good reason.  Worth checking out once; don't spend $13 on it like I did.

Tales From the Crypt: Series Retrospective

The following is a review that I wrote for the Freakin' Awesome Network Message Board (which was then known as the Official WrestleCrap Forums) back in 2009. I've been in a Tales from the Crypt mood again, and thought this would be an appropriate time to post this retrospective.

For those who follow this series of threads (and you all know who you are, as we make up what is simultaneously the most level-headed and passionate following on this entire board), you may have noticed that I haven't been posting many reviews lately. There's been a couple of "At the Cinema" reviews, but as for older movies, I've had little to say in the recent weeks with the exception of a rare comment about the fantastic reviews currently being done by YellowJacket and DSR.

The reason for that is simple - I've been watching Tales From the Crypt at a fever pitch over the past five weeks. And I've been so engrossed that I haven't bothered to dig out any of the older flicks from my collection.

Looking back, I can't believe that I hadn't added the season sets of TFTC to my library sooner. When it comes to TV shows with horror connections, The X-Files was, is, and probably shall forever be my #1, but this is a very close second. In addition, the series had been a major part of my childhood, and while I've told the story before, I might as well bore everyone with it again.

Along with Joe Bob Briggs, this show is the primary reason for my horror fandom today. I saw my first episode of Tales sometime in 1993 (I was ten years old at the time). See, my next-door neighbor back then had all the cool stuff, including HBO. I'd heard of this scary Tales From the Crypt show a few times in passing by that point, and since I'd just gotten done watching the Friday the 13th series for the first time, any and everything horror was fascinating to my young mind. So on one long ago Friday night, we tuned in to HBO at 11:00 p.m. central time. The episode was "Strung Along," where a ventriloquist with a much younger wife is given a heart attack by the sight of his dummy brutally murdering his wife. Of course, as per usual with this series, the murder would turn out to be a swerve, but I was both scared s***less and fascinated enough to continue watching. Thus, Friday night TFTC visits became a staple of my fourth and fifth-grade summers.

Looking back on that story, one thing cannot be ignored - while the show was airing on HBO, a channel that I didn't have access to, I'd heard of it. Hell, everyone I KNEW had heard of Tales From the Crypt, and it had been talked about in hushed tones a few times at grade-school lunchroom discussions. While everyone enjoyed Rocko's Modern Life and Doug (myself included) at the time, watching an episode of Tales From the Crypt made you undeniably badass for the day. Granted, we were only grade-schoolers, but to our young minds the aura surrounding TFTC was that this was a really, really big, important show.

Of course, as it turned out, we were right. The series was created in 1989 by five men whose names read like a who's who of Hollywood - Richard Donner, David Giler, Walter Hill, Joel Silver, David Geffen and Robert Zemeckis. With such amazing clout on the executive producing front, TFTC rose above the normal anthology show. Almost every episode was either directed by or starred someone that anyone who considers themselves a casual movie fan would recognize - and sometimes not just casual fans. Arnold Schwarzenegger tried his hand at directing an episode, as did Bob Hoskins and Michael J. Fox, to name just three. Demi Moore, Tom Hanks, Ewan McGregor, Daniel Craig, Sam Kinison, Kirk Douglas and Teri Hatcher all had various guest-starring roles in the series over its seven seasons. The series had many other well-known horror names who cut their teeth on the series, as well, with makeup FX master Kevin Yagher creating the Crypt Keeper's well-known visage and future Hellraiser series czar Rick Bota serving as the director of photography on many episodes.

The show had a very distinct style and look. Emulating the E.C. horror comics from the '50s that the producers had been huge fans of, each episode started with that awesome tracking shot from the front door of a spooky house all the way to the lair of the Crypt Keeper (awesomely voiced by John Kassir), who in turn would introduce the story about to unfold in a manner not unlike the comic version of the E.C. Comics hosts. Once an episode started (which were based on stories from the magazines "Tales From the Crypt," "Vault of Horror," "Crime SuspenStories" and "Shock SuspenStories"), the atmosphere truly took over. Perhaps the most phenomenal thing about Tales From the Crypt is how the producers and directors knew what they were going for with every frame and accomplished it so seamlessly. They took comic stories from forty years ago and updated them to modern times, but also never forgot to add the tongue-in-cheek fun factor and sense of humor to the episodes, as well. And when the show was trying to be scary, it was f***in' scary.

While many fans disagree, I actually do feel that the first season of the show was the best. It featured episodes directed by producer heavyweights Donner, Zemeckis and Hill, as well as Tom Holland (Child's Play), Mary Lambert (Pet Sematary) and Howard Deutch (The Great Outdoors, The Replacements). At only six episodes long, I distinctly remember every show in the series' inaugural season, from the series opener "The Man Who Was Death" to Lambert's grotesque "Collection Completed." Nonetheless, what a way to kick off a series.

Tales From the Crypt would produce a total of 93 episodes during its seven-season run, always a fixture in the summer programming block on HBO. During this time, the series became so popular that it eventually spawned two theatrical films - 1994's Demon Knight starring Billy Zane, which is one of my favorite horror films of the '90s, and 1996's Bordello of Blood with Dennis Miller. Both movies retain the same "bad things happening to bad people" motif of the series while also remembering the pure goofy sense of humor that the show prided itself on. While Bordello of Blood may have strayed too far into the goofy, it's still an undeniably entertaining horror film that I dig out at least once a year.

While there was a clunker here and there, overall, I can't say enough good about Tales From the Crypt - so now a couple of nerdy lists. And these were VERY hard to pin down.

LICK NESS MONSTER'S TOP TEN TFTC EPISODES:

1. "And All Through the House" - Robert Zemeckis-directed update of a short that was ALSO filmed in the 1972 Tales From the Crypt movie. Zemeckis' real-life wife Mary Ellen Trainor plays a wife who murders her husband on Christmas Eve, only to be stalked and terrorized by a Santa Suit-clad psycho (the phenomenal Larry Drake). Naughty or nice?

2. "The Man Who Was Death" - Bill Sadler turns in an excellent performance as a prison executioner who REALLY loves his job, taking it to the streets after the State bans capital punishment. Excellent characterization and use of voice-over make the inaugural TFTC episode immortal.

3. "Maniac at Large" - This episode has perhaps the best swerve in the entire series, as a timid librarian (Blythe Danner) burns the night oil at a shift while a brutal serial murderer stalks the streets. Extremely tense and well-written, directed by John Frankenheimer.

4. "Strung Along" - All these years later, and the first episode I saw is still just as memorable and frightening. In general, I think ventriloquist's dummies are freaky (see the season 2 "Ventriloquist's Dummy" episode for further proof), and the final scenes of this episode are very horrific stuff.

5. "Well Cooked Hams" - Billy Zane plays a struggling magician who kills his mentor (Martin Sheen), and eventually steals his most famous trick "The Box of Death." Because you know that will turn out well. A fantastic performance by Zane and the final swerve are the hallmarks of this episode.

6. "Only Skin Deep" - For the single CREEPIEST episode that TFTC ever did, look no further. A man with a history of abusive relationships (Peter Onorati) picks up a mysterious masked woman (Sherrie Rose) at a party. Very darkly shot and written, with a terrifying denounment.

7. "Yellow" - Another Zemeckis-directed story, featuring Eric Douglas as a cowardly soldier facing the music for abandoning his fellow soldiers in battle. The twist? The executioner is his own father (played by his real-life father Kirk). While not strictly a horror tale, this is gripping TV.

8. "Easel Kill Ya" - After a struggling artist (Tim Roth) sells a painting depicting a brutal murder to a morbid collector, he begins to seek out real-life murder victims for the sake of his art. Roth and William Atherton (as the collector) add very human nuances to their characters.

9. "Mute Witness to Murder" - Gut-wrenchingly tense tale of a woman (Patricia Clarkson) who witnesses a murder and goes mute. Lo and behold, the psychiatrist who now cares for her (Richard Thomas) is the same man who committed the murder.

10. "Lover Come Hack to Me" - My favorite version of the "gold-digger gets what they deserve" story done in several TFTC episodes. Stephen Shellen plays a man who plans to murder his new bride (Amanda Plummer) on their honeymoon - but, of course, this plan meets disastrous consequences.


THE FIVE WORST TFTC EPISODES:

1. "This'll Kill Ya" - Admittedly, it's hard picking bad episodes of Tales From the Crypt, and there's nothing bad about this tale of laboratory backstabbing - it's just very meh, not very memorable, and blase.

2. "Oil's Well that Ends Well" - Lou Diamond Phillips and Priscilla Presley are two con artists who attempt to convince several Southern boys that there is oil under a cemetary. Not particularly scary or inventive, although John Kassir turns in a memorable acting performance.

3. "Operation Friendship" - I've read a few reviews praising this episode, but as Tate Donovan struggles with his imaginary friend in his romantic entanglements, I just found the whole thing too over-the-top even for TFTC. Call it glandular.

4. "For Cryin' Out Loud" - While the episosde features some phenomenal talent (rocker Iggy Pop and comedian Sam Kinison), for some reason I just couldn't get into this tale of a man whose conscience becomes a rather loud voice (which, of course, is Kinison).

5. "Lower Berth" - I won't get into the deep-seated psychosis why I didn't like this episode; needless to say, it's mighty nerdy. As for a brief description, this is an origin story of sorts for the host of our show, the Crypt Keeper.


So, there you have it. Tales From the Crypt, created by several Hollywood bigwigs, meant as a shrine to the great, grand genre of horror. It also kick-started the careers of several promising young actors in the process, spawned two feature films, made the Crypt Keeper a legitimate television icon, and gave us a massive collection of truly fascinating, frightening episodes of television. Throw in the fact that the series aired on HBO, and thus featured the freedom to feature all the graphic violence, gore, and nudity any horror fan could want, and you've got a real winner.

As for a rating, A+, ****, 10 out of 10, whichever way you slice it, Tales From the Crypt was 100% pure awesome.

Girls of Summer: The Five Hottest "Friday the 13th" Dames

Welcome to Part 2 of the 2015 Friday the 13th compendium of knickknacks and...other stuff.  Last time I did one of these, we looked at the various disposable victim characters of the series.  Most definitely, the disposable victims are a big part of F13 lore.  Now, we're moving on to another one of the big aspects that make this series so unequivocally awesome - the hot chicks. 

Slasher movies are made up of many different aspects, all of which are represented perfectly within Friday the 13th movies.  The theme that a lot of them share is that they break some kind of taboo, something that you're not supposed to see when you're a little kid and you first heard about and/or saw these movies with a freaky dude in a hockey mask for the first time.  First and foremost was the promise of blood.  Somewhere in there is some curse words.  And last but definitely not least is some good old-fashioned gratuitous nudity.  For a Friday the 13th movie, gratuitous nudity is kind of a vital element.  Not just because it's fun to look at, but because it served a very important purpose - letting you know that this series wasn't f**king around, and that anything was possible.  Meat cleavers to the face, decapitations, red-hot pokers through the stomach...all of that, and more, can happen, because the chick got naked already anyway. 

Either that or I'm just trying to make myself sound way smarter than I really am for enjoying this aspect of the series so much.  You be the judge.  With that, let's get to it.

LICK NESS MONSTER'S FIVE HOTTEST GIRLS IN THE FRIDAY THE 13TH SERIES

5.

Marcie (Jeannine Taylor) from Part 1
Before I get started here...you know, kids, I was debating just how pervy to be when writing this article, and decided to scale it back.  Somewhat.  Anyway, I've always had a soft spot for Marcie.  Partially because she's in the original, and partially because she's the original movie's resident Bad Girl.  I'm a firm believer in this theory: just like women with Bad Boys, the Bad Girl is always hotter.  She makes up one-half of the flick's beefcake couple along with Kevin Bacon and gets the privilege of being in the series' original sex scene, expose her cans, and parade around in the ensemble you see above as an added bonus.  It was a moment of clarity for 13-year-old Lick Ness Monster.

4.

Vicky (Lauren-Marie Taylor) from Part 2
It's likely that most fans prefer Kirsten Baker out of the amazing trilogy of Part 2 hotties, but for whatever reason I've always preferred Vicky.  Again...I just think it's the characterization.  Just look at that image above, devilish smirk and all.  That entire sequence, as Vicky goes about preparing herself for sex with Mark, is simply golden.  Secondly, I'm actually really surprised that Lauren-Marie Taylor herself never made it bigger as an actress.  She ripples with charisma throughout her admittedly brief screen time here, and while she did some soap operas and other things, surely the macho-bravado action movies of the time could have used her for some good love interest roles.  Make this happen, fanfic writers.

3.

Samantha (Judie Aronson) from The Final Chapter
TFC has an outstanding gamut of qualities.  It covers the bases of the slasher flick better than any other movie in the series, and it definitely doesn't disappoint in the smokin' babes quotient.  Of these, Judie Aronson is definitely the hottest and gets ample opportunity to show it off via a pair of skinny-dipping scenes.  Of course, I should also mention that the character of Samantha herself is the movie's resident Bad Girl (noticing a trend yet?), beating out the likes of the wholly uninteresting twins who take over the movie's teen-centric subplots.  Truly the best of every world, especially that Aronson herself would only get hotter in later movies and this was your chance to see her in the buff.

2.

Robin (Elizabeth Kaitan) from The New Blood
Another movie, another Bad Girl.  This time we've got the special attraction of a redhead, always a plus in Lick Ness Monster Land.  Robin and her gawky friend Maddy are both vying for the affections of the criminal-esque studly guy in the movie, and Robin's seductive confidence wins out.  Not hard to see why, given just how ridiculously hot she is.  Much like Lauren-Marie Taylor, I always felt that Elizabeth Kaitan herself was just one decent role away from hitting the big-time considering her charisma and obvious...other assets, if you know what I mean.  If you're questioning whether or not I've spoken to an actual human female within six months by now, I won't hold it against you.

1.

Tina (Debi-Sue Voorhees) from A New Beginning
When I actually have difficulty finding a picture that adequately conveys someone's hotness, there's no question that it's your #1 pick.  Without question, Tina is the hottest girl in the entire F13 pantheon.  She's the movie's Bad Girl.  She gets naked.  Like, we're talking, well.  And from the stories told in the excellent "Crystal Lake Memories" book, the scene was originally much more "Strong R" than what we got - which was plenty.  Debi-Sue Voorhees circa 1985 was just simply stunning, from her angelic face to her perfect curves to her ridiculous cup size.  As such, I can't fault director Danny Steinmann in the least bit for going full-on perv when it came to shooting that sex scene. 

No wrap-up text needed.  Guys of the world, no horror fandom is required to get entry into Friday the 13th fandom.  In addition to hilariously inept victim characters, if you're a fan of hot, minimally (and sometimes less) dressed women, look no further than these movies.