The Lick Ness Life

Well, here we go.  The final post on the ol' blog.  I have to be honest with all of the kind folks who have read this over the years and state that I'm actually a little nervous as I type this.  Call it the weight that comes with volume, because we're definitely talking a lot of volume here.  There's no need to sugarcoat it: it's been a long road with a lot of work put into it, my friends.  Nine years, 375 posts, and a regular schedule of a single entry per week since Halloween season of 2013.  There have been times where I've hated writing this blog, there have been times where I've loved it, and then there are times where I never want to look at my keyboard again after getting done with a particularly long post.

When I perused through my history in preparation for writing this here post, I actually kinda smiled at how much it's evolved over the years.  Variety is the spice of life, after all.  It goes without saying that movie reviews were my bread and butter, but I've also done my fair share of articles and lists.  Those lists are pretty fun, both because they tend to promote discussion and because they're really easy to write.  I can be a lazy fuck.  No matter what I wrote, though, it was all about one thing: promoting horror films to people who might not have been into them before.  No exaggeration, this has been my dream for a long time, because I genuinely think that watching horror movies is such an awesome experience that I wish more people would share it. And I still do.  With 10 subscribers and enough page views to yield me 75 bucks in almost a decade...I think it's pretty safe to say that I've failed in that mission.

It all started with one idea in the fall of 2007, just a few weeks after the death of my older brother, when  my franchise reviews started cropping up on various message boards.  Those eventually turned over into slightly deeper reviews via the Flixter app on Facebook.  'Memba that?  A few people on social media liked those reviews enough that I kept doing them, and at this time I was only reviewing the cream of the crop that horror had to offer.  This was my first idea - a sort of Horror Hall of Fame, because surely that hadn't been tried before.  In time I had enough of these reviews to create this here blog site in January of 2010 and throw everything I'd written on Facebook.  It consisted of reviews of a lot of my favorite and/or classic horror movies along with a brand-new franchise review of the Friday the 13th series.  The reviews got re-christened as the International Horror Registry, and I would do 50 of these.  Yeah, in those early days of the blog, I was only reviewing films that I enjoyed.  This includes Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, a movie that is awful by any standard but should be required viewing for everyone on the planet.

After a brief break in the middle of 2011, I was ready for a fresh paint of coat, and the blog was re-christened as "Blood, Guts and Tears."  Why?  Who knows.  It sounded cool at the time.  The Registry was retired, and I was ready to start promoting horror in a different way - articles.  That trend lasted all of three weeks before I missed reviewing movies, but it was time for the horizons to broaden.  Horror fans can't just take in the good, because that's where this genre is different from anything else out there.  The quality-to-crap ratio isn't good, but when it's good, boy is it good.  But we as horror fans need to know how to separate the good from the bad while also still enjoying the bad, and now I was taking on every movie that came my way.  This resulted in the big dividend that is Basket Case, a movie that I hated upon first watching it back when I was in high school and was ready to give another chance.  To this day, I consider this to be my best review.  I dug deeper into the story, cracked some serviceable jokes, and even gave a halfway-decent analysis of why this movie is unforgettable.  A lot of my reviews after this one tried to emulate it as the posts turned MASSIVE.  This was the XXL Era, and it was not for the faint of heart.

From that point on my involvement started to get more sporadic.  There was a lot going on in the Lick Ness Life at this time.  Buying a house and moving came first.  Then came writing an actual BOOK that still sits on my laptop because it isn't any good at all.  Somewhere in the middle of all that, I cranked out my review of The Shining, the film that I consider to be the single scariest thing ever committed to celluloid.  For six months, the blog went dark.  Then came the AFOREMENTIONED (yes! one final time!) October of 2013, where I was ready for my big comeback.  And it was a comeback that LL Cool J himself would be damn proud of.  I now had a much better name for the place, I had a bunch of new DVDs on reserve, and Lick Ness Monster's Horror Movie Mayhem was born.  And it didn't stop for the next half-decade.  Unfortunately, I tinkered with the format again and started writing these weird reviews where I gave out "tiered" ratings in different categories, and yeah, that experiment was bad.  Don't read the reviews from the relaunch through June of 2014, because they SUCK.

But you can't say that I wasn't consistent.  My goal was one a week.  And I kept at it for an entire year.  And then another year.  And another.  The number kept piling up, and once I decided to start writing reviews like a normal human being again they actually started to get good.  Bro.  One thing that I'll carry with pride going on in life is that I genuinely do believe that I've done my best stuff since last summer.  All it took was to finally get a good review formula (eight paragraphs, boys and girls - that's the key) down pat and to start picking out interesting themes to give me several weeks' worth of material.  From my recent run, the reviews that I'm most proud of are Crawlspace from my Halloween Empire-a-Thon and Track of the Moon Beast from this year's MST3K March.  The reason?  Both are films that I'm positive the VAST majority of non-horror aficionados have never heard of, and I did my best to make them sound entertaining and watchable.  Gotta love that Johnny Longbow.  But as the weeks kept coming and I spent every Saturday morning churning out another post with a two-week lead time, it gradually became clear that my heart wasn't in it anymore.  I had said everything that I needed to say, and there was only so many more ways of stating it.  Does anyone else want to hear another Jon Lickness rant about how soulless action and superhero movies are in the present day?  Didn't think so.

Looking back, there are definitely some reviews that I disagree with in hindsight.  For starters, I now consider Basket Case to be a true underrated gem and I would bump up my rating another half-star to a full *** 1/2.  The sequels, though...yeah, they're not so good.  I definitely think I overrated them due to the fact that I was able to procure some rare VHS copies, so they would get knocked down to ** and * 1/2 for the second and third films, respectively.  Oh, and Piranha 2010?  Wow, what was I thinking?  That movie was HORRIBLE, and I gave it four stars!  I was truly wrapped up in the hype of that one.  Since I'm a slasher fan first and foremost, I've grown to like Night School more with subsequent viewings and it's now a solid *** 1/2 from me.  Lastly, I think I was too kind to some of the lesser Empire Pictures movies.  Don't get me wrong, I still love Charles Band and his first foray into running a movie studio, but Troll and TerrorVision aren't getting nearly as much praise from me these days.  Both are hovering around the ** range.

Horror movies and scary stories in general have always been a huge part of my life.  This goes back to being in grade school reading R.L. Stine books to discovering J-Horror as an adult.  I wouldn't even want to see the sum total of every dollar that I've spent surrounding myself with this stuff over the years, but the most important expense that comes in life is the expense of time.  Each one of us only has so many days to walk around, age, and perish, and I choose to do it watching monstrous killers in hockey masks and vengeful long-haired ghosts wreak havoc on the screen.  I enjoy being scared, and deep down I'm convinced that most people share this sentiment.  Being scared is fun, because it's a reminder that each one of us is truly alive.  This is what the horror genre and horror movies in particular are all about, and if I've helped just a few people along the way see the merit in something with the power to make you jump and scream, it's been worth it.  Thank you for reading, keep the adrenaline racing, and long live horror!

My Ten Favorite Horror Flicks

Yes, folks, it's come to this.

Interesting peek behind the curtain, folks - in the notepad file that I always copy these from, I've had a modified version of this list in a little corner of the document for something like five years in the event of a true "in case of emergency, break glass" moment.  And while that never came to pass, I always knew that if the blog ever started seeing its final days that I had to do some kind of ultimate favorite movies list.  Now there's a wrestler name just waiting to happen.  I actually had to tweak the rankings a little bit before writing it, because while a lot of my faves have stayed the same over the years there are some new arrivals to the list.  And, spoiler alert, we have a new #1 from every other time I've done one of these.  How's that for a teaser?

With that masturbatory introduction aside, welcome to My 10 Favorite Horror Flicks.  Far from any kind of authoritative quality list, these are just the movies that I enjoy the most and have found myself loaning out to people the most over the years as an introduction to what horror is all about.  There are a lot of big titles here, and also a decent amount of variety, so consider this the crash course if you're new to the genre.  Plus, I've seen every flick here at least five times on the low end of the spectrum and more than 50 up top, so it's not like they don't have replay value.  Enough waxing.  On with the list!

10.  Suspiria (1977, Directed by Dario Argento)

A few years back, I actually considered this to be the scariest movie of all time.  The ending is truly chilling.  While I can sleep like a baby immediately after watching it now, there is still no doubt that this is a bona-fide classic of the genre that remains Dario Argento's crowning achievement.  Jessica Harper is infinitely likable and relatable as American ballet student Suzy Banyon who shows way more bravery than I would have upon arriving at a prestigious dance academy in the middle of nowhere.  Surprise, surprise, this is no ordinary school.  Within 20 minutes we're treated to a murder sequence that still ranks as one of the most vicious of its kind, and while there are some good gory moments to be had it's the way that this movie is SHOT that truly makes it immortal.  Reds, greens, and kaleidoscopes of cinematography are all meant to make you feel unwelcome and jarred.  This is one of those flicks that qualifies as a pure experience, which I just can't imagine the upcoming remake managing to replicate in the least bit.

9.  Event Horizon (1997, Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson)

Back in my middle school days, this was a movie that I watched an untold amount of times.  To this day, it's still my favorite hybrid of sci-fi and horror ever made, and I'm not alone as this is a movie with major "cult" status that nonetheless took a while to get there.  The star power here is just off the charts, with Sam Neill turning in a tour-de-force performance as Dr. Weir, brilliant physicist who has invented a way for spaceships to travel through black holes and cut travel time to zero.  Also present are Laurence Fishburne as Captain Miller along with Kathleen Quinlan, Sean Pertwee and Joely Richardson as his crewmates who have been recruited to accompany Weir on a salvage mission when the one ship that has ever used his technology mysteriously reappears from the nothing.  This film can best be described as The Haunting or The Amityville Horror in space, and the script by Philip Eisner has a lot of fun with that concept as whatever the ship has brought back picks them off one-by-one.  Here's hoping we get that director's cut someday.

8.  Horror of Dracula (1958, Directed by Terence Fisher)

Ladies and gentlemen, the oldest film on the list.  I didn't become a huge fan of the Hammer Studios offerings until I was well into adulthood, but once I discovered them I definitely made up for lost time.  Of all the major characters that the British cinema factory churned out, though, my favorite is definitely their take on Dracula with Christopher Lee stepping into the title role as arguably the greatest iteration of the world's most famous vampire.  The first film in the series (known simply as Dracula over the rest of the world and Horror of Dracula here in the States due to some sort of rights issue) still stands as the best.  Director Terence Fisher shoots this thing with an ungodly Gothic atmosphere.  By 1958 standards, this was also a movie that shocked audiences with its graphic gore, done live and in living color.  Finally, every role here was cast and played to perfection with Peter Cushing dominating every scene he's in as Dr. Van Helsing and, of course, Christopher Lee himself despite having very few actual lines.

7.  Sleepaway Camp (1983, Directed by Robert Hiltzik)

This is definitely a film that won't be appearing on any authoritative "Best Horror Movies" lists done by respected film critics.  From a technical standpoint, this one ain't exactly a masterpiece.  If you can look through all the flaws and appreciate it for its quirkiness, characters and sheer emotion, you'll have a lot of fun.  From a plot standpoint, it's essentially every other early '80s slasher flick for 90% of its running time as teenage cousins Angela Baker (Felissa Rose) and her cousin Ricky (Jonathan Tiersten) arrive at picturesque Camp Arawak.  We watch the mostly silent Angela deal with the local mean girls and her first romance, all while several of the campers get offed by an unseen killer.  There are some downright dopey moments contained within, as some of the dialogue and acting is rather...suspect.  But just trust me and stick with it until the final credits roll.  No matter what hoity-toity complaints I can direct at this flick, I'll never forget it for as long as I live.  Oh, and then there's the ending.

6.  The Shining (1980, Directed by Stanley Kubrick)

Here's the movie that I NOW consider to be the scariest thing ever committed to celluloid.  What we have here is essentially Suspiria on steroids, with a big budget and one of the best damn directors ever in Stanley Kubrick taking the Stephen King novel and amping up the sheer bizarre to previously unheard-of levels.  From the first time we see Jack Nicholson as troubled writer Jack Torrance, you know that something isn't quite right with him.  There are a lot of fans of the book who just absolutely DESPISE this part of the film, feeling that this wasn't in line with the "guy going slowly insane" story that King presented.  In my mind, though, this makes what happens at the Overlook Hotel in this film that much more intense.  The gauntlet that little Danny Torrance goes through here, both in the onslaught that he takes from the hotel's seemingly infinite supply of creepy ghosts and the final external threat in the form of his insane daddy is unthinkable.  Add in tons of classic scenes and an all-time performance from Nicholson and you've got a win.

5.  Psycho (1960, Directed by Alfred Hitchcock)

This was the first black-and-white film that I ever got really, really into.  I discovered Psycho in sixth grade, right after I read the following line in an old Roger Ebert Movie Companion in his review of the original Halloween: "It's so violent and scary that, yes, I would compare it to Psycho)."  Whoa.  I had to see this movie.  Not only did I watch it, I actively searched out every bit of information that there was on its production and themes, checking out a few thick books on Hitchcock from libraries and watching a documentary about its making on PBS.  Folks, it warrants all of the attention that it gets.  Is it scary in 2018?  Not especially.  But it's still one hell of a powerful suspense tale as we follow likable heroine Marion Crane (Janet Leigh) for the first trimester of the plot only for a major swerve to be introduced in the form of Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins) and the leech-like relationship that his mother has with him.  This is another film that you'll never forget after the credits roll, with absolutely classic dialogue and characters.

4.  Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984, Directed by Joseph Zito)

This is another film that you're definitely not gonna see on any "All-Time Greatest Horror Movie" lists that pop up on, say, AMC or Sight and Sound or IMG's Official Circle Jerk of Film Snobs.  It IS, however, the absolute best of what the slasher movie subgenre has to offer, courtesy of the single greatest slasher movie franchise of all time.  This one encapsulates the true spirit of what Friday the 13th is all about better than any other movie in the series, offering up heaping helpings of sex, nudity, quirky teen characters, questionable decision-making, and, of course, a whole lot of blood and gore.  The three movies that preceded this one all had a bunch of stuff cut from them to avoid the dreaded X rating, but maybe they let this one slip due to relief that they thought the series was finally over?  Who knows.  All I know is that Jason Voorhees is simply a badass in his final foray as a human being before he went full Zombie Terminator, with Corey Feldman (!) getting the honors of being the guy to finally, unequivocally kill the bastard.  But not really.

3.  Jaws (1975, Directed by Steven Spielberg)

Now THIS flick, you will see on several of those officialized lists that I whined about in the previous paragraph.  And with good reason.  Jaws isn't just an awesome movie, it's a movie that changed the way that films are released.  For better or worse.  Before this baby came out, summer was when Hollywood would dump all of its crappy exploitation offerings.  Not that there's anything WRONG with crappy exploitation offerings, but it is when it is.  The big shark made summer movie season, well, summer movie season, and it's all courtesy of Mr. Spielberg and his dream that they could take a mechanical shark riding around on a track and make it scary and terrifying.  Not only did they succeed, they succeeded with flying colors.  They even took some of the stuff that didn't work so well in the original novel (unlikable characters and a side plot involving the Mayor being in bed with the Mafia come to mind) and improved them.  When Scheider, Dreyfuss and Shaw take to the sea to fight the shark, it's an event that you're invested in like no other.  Farewell and adieu.

2.  Halloween (1978, Directed by John Carpenter)

This was the film that occupied the #1 spot on my personal favorite list for many years.  The fact that it isn't anymore is definitely no slight to it, as you'll never find a better example of the phrase "less is more" anywhere else in the universe.  It wouldn't surprise me if John Carpenter had those words imprinted on every page of the script.  This was yet another movie that I first discovered at the end of my grade school career, and while I loved (and still love) the Friday the 13th series I noticed several things about this one that elevated it above that franchise.  Carpenter has a technique here that remains effective to this day.  The camera will remain static, then move, then come back, and something unexpected is in the background.  Of course, all these years later the story of babysitter Laurie Strode, Dr. Sam Loomis and his Captain Ahab complex and the Night that Michael Myers came home retains pretty much all of its ability to hook you in and knock you right over.  It's still essential viewing every October 31st along with its first sequel.  Which brings me to...

1.  Ju-On (2002, Directed by Takashi Shimizu)

Stop me if you've heard this one before.  A short time after my brother's untimely passing I start to collect horror movies.  It starts with all of the slasher movie franchises of my youth and some of "Best of the Best" recommendations that I gleam online.  Eventually, that gets old and I start to look into some of the films from Japan that had been really big in the U.S. a few years prior to this.  One wintery night in early 2008, I pop in a DVD that I spent $2.98 on and it's all history from there.  All of the films in the original Japanese franchise are awesome, but this one - the third in the series and the first one released theatrically - is the best.  Hell, it's my favorite horror movie of all time!  The thing that stands out about croakin' Kayako Saeki (Takako Fuji) and her son Toshio is that no one escapes.  It's a death sentence, and as each "Chapter" ticks by focusing on a single character and their run-in with with the vengeful ghosts it becomes clear that you're watching something special.  And it all wraps up in an absolutely perfect bow.

There you go, peeps.  If somebody were to ask me what movies they should check out first if their goal was to get into horror movies, these would be the ones to start with.  And now that this is out of the way, join me next week as we take a look back at the long, bloody history of the blog and put an exclamation point on this whole experience.  Here's hoping it's more of a Final Chapter and not a Jason Goes to Hell.

The Final Slash

Stop me if you've heard this one before, but I'm just really, really sick of a lot of the stuff that Hollywood has doled out endlessly in recent years.  These days, it seems like all we get are superhero movies, Star Wars and the Fast and Furious films.  Of that latter franchise, I've seen a grand total of one movie.  Seriously, what keeps people coming back to them?  It's a complete and utter mystery to me, but clearly I'm in the minority since it's currently a nine-movie series with no end in sight.  Or is it just that they always gross eleventy billion dollars in China?  It just seems like it's been same old, same old for eons at the multiplex.  The message that needs to be gleamed from this particular intro paragraph: Superhero fatigue can't come soon enough for this reporter.

A while back, I wrote an article on this here blog called "A Film Exists.  Watching Not Required."  In it, I posited the theory that this is where us fans of the great, grand horror genre are a lot more savvy than the action blockbuster-viewing public at large.  Once we get sick of something, we let the bastards know about it and vote with our wallets.  As such, we get actual NEW STUFF every few years.  What a novel concept!  Yes, folks, horror fans force change, and as such it's a style of movie-making that is constantly in flux, evolving in ways way more than just the cosmetic differences of how many millions of dollars of CGI explosions can be hurled at the screen.  And there's more big changes to come, folks.  Thus, come with me as I gaze into the crystal ball and wax poetically about where I see the horror genre going in the upcoming years.

First and foremost, I wouldn't be surprised in the least bit if we see a lot more true-life styled horror in the upcoming years.  The movie Don't Breathe really was a refreshing film to come in the wake of all the ghost movies that dominated the scene for a few years, as while it was somewhat out there you could definitely see something like this happening in the real world.  Generally speaking, I'm tired of movies that focus on demons, ghosts and possessions.  Going by reactions that I see online, I'm not alone.  Focusing more on sickos that could actually be in our own backyards is likely to be the next wave that comes along, and I for one welcome it.

While found footage movies aren't quite the rage they used to be, there are still plenty of them to come down the pike every single year.  I don't see them going anywhere.  While we're pretty much done with the tried-and-true "documentary film gone wrong" approach, there is still some fun to be had with this little subgenre and you have technology to thank for it.  I can see a few movies popping up in cinemas and all the various online outlets in the not-too-distant future that take concepts like YouTube shows, Facebook Live and Periscope and just go batshit crazy with the idea of something going horribly wrong.  Much like the slasher movies of yesteryear, there is definitely ways to keep found footage movies off life support as long as you throw in a few creative wrinkles to the formula.

Time for a really out-there prediction.  Someone asked me recently when the next Friday the 13th movie was getting released, and my answer was "probably never."  Watching Paramount try to get that thing going is like watching a fine-dining chef trying to slow roast a piece of beef jerky.  Same thing goes for Nightmare on Elm Street.  However, due to the success of Stranger Things and retro-styled horror...I now see a possibility that these legendary stalwarts of horror could make a comeback.  Just imagine if some fine scholar at Netflix saw the possibility in doing more Jason or Freddy episodes, shot to look like '80s movies and with themes and special effects mirroring that period.  I actually don't think it's too far-fetched.

Speaking of the online giants, I also think we're going to get a lot more foreign imports.  While I wasn't a huge fan of Veronica, I'm clearly one of the few horror fans who wasn't, and there's a vast untapped globe out there just ripe for the picking.  These companies need content, after all.  The downside of this is that this is probably going to lead to another prolonged period of remakes at some point, since there is a pretty sizable chunk of people (including a lot that I talk to in person) who don't watch to watch movies with subtitles.  That's not to say that I won't watch them, but forewarning.  Remakes-a-coming in roughly five years or so.

The return of GOOD M. Night Shyamalan with Split set off a whole heap of possibilities in my mind.  Once the sequel is released (which will really be a lot more of an action film than a horror opus, admittedly), it remains to be seen if Mr. Night can maintain his newly-found mojo.  If he can, you can prepare yourself for your fair share of imitators just like everyone copied the "twist" post-Sixth Sense.  The result?  More heady horror, and a quality uptick.  I promise not to give Shyamalan the Lick Ness Monster Curse this time, and once again sincerely apologize for possessing the dreaded reverse Midas touch that is my opinion.

I've focused entirely on the good possibilities thus far.  Of course, not everything can be good.  I actually do feel that a lot of the bad trends in horror are pretty much played, as we're not seeing story-free torture porn films anymore and virtually every major horror movie of the past has been remade already.  However, the remakes we do get are gonna suck, as every time that a big Hollywood company touches something else they effectively strip it of everything that made it cool in the first place.  This doesn't just include the foreign movies that get the fresh paint of coat, either.  This new Suspiria?  You heard it here first, it's gonna be awful.  Same goes for the upcoming Twilight Zone reboot, as the atmosphere of the Rod Serling original just can't be topped.

Of course, this is all just my $.02 and I could be way off.  Going by my past performance record, that's probably a much more accurate expectation and we'll probably be seeing a lot of giant monster movies, or something.  One thing is certain, though: No matter where it goes, I will always look forward to more from my favorite genre, and I will always vote with my wallet whenever I get sick of the same old shit!  And with that off my chest, get ready for next week as I tackle my Ten Favorite Horror Films of All Time.  With pictures.

The Blood-Red Mine: Five Horror Movies Ripe from the Interwebz

I've talked a little about Creepypastas on the blog here before, but it bears repeating: some of the best horror stuff you'll find anywhere on the world right now is in these things.  I'll never forget the first one I ever read on some random message board.  The story, as sparse as it was, was all about a strange phenomena overtaking the entire world.  Not an epidemic, not ghosts, not zombification, but the earth.  As in, earth, not capitalized - dirt.  It just keeps rising and rising and rising, destroying everything that it touches.  Told from the perspective of a survivor hiding out on the roof of his house, it consisted of little other than watching his neighbors get sucked up by the dirt as he theorizes about why this is happening, eventually coming to the conclusion that it's a plight from God himself eating his own creation.  Brrrrr.  And then there's the Slender Man, a creepypasta that has become so popular it's getting its own movie soon.  Spoiler alert.

There's a lot of freaky stuff out there on the interwebz, though, and not all of it is via short stories told by semi-anonymous horror buffs.  A good deal of them, but not all.  There are a few true crime stories that I would not have discovered without the Internet.  You'd be surprised how many other freaks are out there who are into this kinda stuff other than myself.  Than again, maybe you're not.  Ever hear about the adult baby community?  And then there's the whole Brony...thing.  Nevertheless, there's a prime amount of material all within a few clicks that THIS REPORTER is convinced would make amazing horror movies.  Since it's been a while since I've done one of these "five suggestion" lists, you know what's coming.  Ladies and gentlemen...

FIVE STORIES FOUND ON THE INTERNET THAT WOULD MAKE A GREAT HORROR MOVIE

(1) The Elisa Lam Disappearance
If you've never heard of this true-life disappearance/possible murder/possible paranormal mindfuck of the highest order, Google it and be prepared to be amazed.  The final days and death of Elisa Lam is the kind of locked door mystery that mystery buffs pine for, but the single most perplexing thing about the whole affair is surveillance footage from inside the hotel where she spent her final days.  More specifically, from the elevator.  Apparently, there is an urban legend from Japan and Korea called "The Elevator Game" that involves visiting the floors in a tall building (of at least 13 floors) in a very specific order.  And if you do it right, you get to cross the line into the afterlife.  I think a film about an amateur sleuth who gets obsessed with this case and finding a similar disappearance would be awesome, ending with said protagonist playing the Elevator Game himself.  Whether or not he talks to the woman on the fifth floor is entirely up to the screenwriter.

(2) Black-Eyed Children
This is another subject that I had never heard of in my life until something like a year ago.  And since I work third shift, there isn't a night that goes by where I don't go out to my car and think about it.  The first recorded story about children with jet black eyes has its roots in a series of mailing lists in the mid-'90s and Texas reporter Brian Bethel who related his dalliance with the little demons while exiting a movie theater late at night.  The basic legend goes like this - they suddenly appear late at night, either while you're in your car or (shudder) at your door.  All they want is to be let inside, but under no circumstances are you ever to let them in.  As you can tell, there is more than enough material here for a film to be made, and the way that I understand it is that this has already happened.  However, give this baby a budget, a decent cast and a script that takes place over a confined single night and you've got some solid nightmare fuel.

(3) The Deep Web
Just, the deep web in general.  No further explanation needed, but since I have to at least make it seem like I'm being persuasive with these things, I suppose I should elaborate a little bit.  Only something like 3% of the Internet can be found on Google.  The rest?  Well, a lot of it consists of stuff you might find via stuff like searching for hotel listings.  But then there's...the other stuff.  The stuff that you need that mysterious Tor browser that there ain't no way in hell I'm ever putting on my hard drive, because I've read the stories dammit.  A lot of these particular stories and videos fall into the "unbelievable" territory about a massive global conspiracy of deep web stalkers, but it doesn't matter, they scare me.  The movie is right there - give us a couple of young likable "righteous" hackers, have them run across the wrong people on the deep web, and begin some of the stuff that you may or may not have checked out on Tor, you sickos.

(4) The "Point-and-Click Mystery" Story
There are a few different variations of this particular creepypasta/Internet legend out there, but the most memorable one that I ever ran across involved a Jack the Ripper point-and-click game.  You know what those are, right?  Also known as "hidden object" mysteries, they're basic flash games that you can buy for something like $9.99 at every Wal-Mart in the country where you basically click everything on the screen.  Only this Jack the Ripper game apparently is SATANIC.  Taking place years after the protagonist's childhood memories of said game, he goes back to it only to find a much different version of the game that almost threatens to break through the screen and become much more than a game.  Hell, it even starts addressing the player by name.  Pretty much every aspect of the plot that you need is right there, so there isn't a need to get fancy with anything.  Give us a game about a famous killer, a likable hero and solid three-act structure and you've got a win.

(5) Obey the Walrus
Yeah, just give this a watch and try to get it burned out of your memory.  There IS a much longer version of the video out there without all of the intentionally creepy music and filters that gives the video a bit more context, but then again there are also parts of it that manage to get under your skin more than this one.  To be fair, there are also a fair amount of interviews with the actual person featured in this thing.  But if someone were to make a movie with this as their inspiration, you don't need to know any of that stuff.  This is the kind of stuff that J-horror is made for; a cursed video that first royally messes you up and then potentially kills you?  Get Hideo Nakata or Takashi Shimizu on the line, stat.  Of course, since this is MY fantasy world, those are the only two guys that I would want to take on this material.  Call it Sadako or Kayako for this generation, the urban legend that turns out to be real and makes you really, really dead.

That completes my final "horror movie ideas" post.  Get ready for more backbiting as we continue wrapping the blog up into a nice little bow.

Veronica (2017)

2017

Directed by Paco Plaza
Starring Sandra Escacena, Bruna Gonzalez, Claudia Placer, Ivan Chavero and Ana Torrent

It's pretty fitting that the final movie that I'm reviewing comes with Hype.  Capitalized because there was a lot of it.  It had been a LONG time since I heard about a movie strictly via word-of-mouth, with the kind of hushed tones usually reserved for kids telling other kids about how to summon the Candyman.  I heard about this flick from a small group of coworkers - none of which had seen the film, and all of them knew only the rumors.  That this was a movie that was, and I quote, "so scary that 99 out of 100 people can't finish watching it."  My response?  Bring it on, bitch.

Veronica is a movie that was actually released last summer in Spain, and took its native country by storm.  Slick and relatively big-budget considering the material we're dealing with, it didn't take long for the buzz to spread about it and for executives here in the States to take notice.  The most important executives to take notice, of course, are the ones who dole out big checks for the streaming rights.  Thus, if you've got Netflix, you've got access to this film, and that's where I saw it.  Remember back when I used to despise Netflix and swear that I would never, ever get it because it wasn't as pure as the virgin snow like the video stores of my youth?  Those were some good times here on the blog.  At any rate, this film got the Roman Reigns rocket push right out of the gate, and now a lot of people had seen it.  So what's it like?

Well, it's loosely based (and this is yet another example of a movie that uses the phrase "loosely based" as a cover for "pretty much entirely fictional in everything but theme") on a true story about a young girl in 1991 who mysteriously died after using a Ouija board.  In real life, she had a different name, but in the world of this film she is renamed Veronica.  The script gives us some nice early examples of "show, don't tell" as to why we should care about this character as we see her take care of her three younger siblings due to the fact that their father just passed away and the mother works long hours to pay the bills.  The character is admittedly very likable, and the actors playing the little kids (Bruna Gonzalez and Claudia Placer as twins Irene and Lucia, and Ivan Chavero as bed-wetting tyke Antonito) manage not to get too grating, a feat in and of itself when it comes to movies like this.

The plot kicks into gear in short order, with Veronica heading off to Catholic school where a solar eclipse is about to take place outside.  With everyone else on the roof doing their best not to look directly at the sun, Veronica and her friends take the opportunity to hold a Ouija seance in the creepy basement.  The goal: Contact Veronica's recently deceased father.  What actually happens: Something decidedly other than that, and I think you know where we're going from here.  Ruh-roh.  Also present in some of these early scenes is a blind nun character that everyone at the school refers to as "Sister Death," and her presence is admittedly a little unnerving the first few times you see her.  Undertaker-esque eyeballs tend to do that to the viewer.

Horror films that focus on Ouija boards and demonic phenomena are nothing new to fans here in the U.S., so it comes as no surprise as to what happens next.  Namely, a long slow burn section of the film where weird things begin happening to Veronica in and around the household.  There are two nightmare sequences that are played out in exquisite detail that are admittedly pretty bizarre, one where Veronica sees a vision of her father and the other where the younger kids, well, attempt to cannibalize her.  They were definitely prepared to go all the way with the weird in this movie, kids.  We also get some helpful exposition from Sister Blind Nun along the way to give us all of the information we need.  Namely, that Ouija boards are SRS, SRS, SRS business and that someone else now walks with Veronica. 

This all leads us to the epic finale sequence as Veronica attempts to shut the door on the demon with the help of her siblings.  I will give the movie some points here due to the fact that I actually cared about what was happening; all along the way, the script has done a good job showing us reasons why we should be invested in Veronica the person.  But I can't claim that I was biting my nails in tension as the battle with the demon plays out.  The emotional ending twist also fell flat for me, mainly because I thought I had seen the same bit done much better in Ju-On.  Now there's a blog callback that I haven't done in a long, long time.  I used to talk about those films a lot, didn't I?

To be fair, there was a lot to admire about this movie.  First and foremost is the performance of Sandra Escacena in the title role.  I've already given the screenplay its due as to taking its time and doing the work of getting you invested in this story, but it was still up to Escacena to pull it off, and she delivered.  Like a boss.  Watching her in this movie, I was reminded of how I felt about Lina Leandersson way back when I first saw Let the Right One In.  This young lady has a bright future, and let's hope that we get to see more of her.  From a film-making standpoint, this is also a pretty impressive little flick, as the directing, camera-work and atmosphere are all top notch.  In short, the movie looks great and it's competent in every way.

So why did I feel disappointed after watching it?  Well, I didn't find it scary.  At all.  Folks, let me tell you one of the great failings (and there are many) of Jon Lickness, horror movie ambassador to the world.  I've loaned out Sleepaway Camp to a few people, and with only one exception I promised them the most shocking ending in the history of cinema.  And in every case they gave the movie back to me stating that they saw it coming a mile away.  After all of those mistakes, I finally figured out that I was building the movie up too much, and eventually showed it to one friend blind.  And it ripped his face off just like it did with me.  Maybe if I'd seen this particular movie without all of that advance hype, I would have been a little more frightened by it.  But "the scariest movie ever?"  Yeah, not quite.  I was able to sleep like a baby immediately afterward.  Horror movies are the name of the game, and scary this movie is not.

With that, it's time to give out the final rating of my movie reviewing career: ** 1/2 out of ****.  I'm going out just like I came in - like an annoying contrarian.  So completes the month of May and the final series of recent movies that I wanted to cover before retirement, but we still have one month to go.  The next four posts are going to be special, as I prepare to wrap things up in a nice little bow for the few people who actually read these things.  Get ready...

Creep and Creep 2 (2014 and 2017)

2014 and 2017
Directed by Patrick Brice
Starring Mark Duplass, Patrick Brice and Desiree Akhavan

We're approaching a lot of "lasts" here on the ol' Blog.  Of which, I'm sure that exactly zero people care about.  Well, we're about to be looking at the last found footage movies that I'm going to review.  To be fair, I have a really long, love-hate relationship with this particular subgenre of horror.  I've been tired of them for a long time, and while they've kinda gone by the wayside in more recent years, there's still a decent amount of them floating around out there because they cost roughly five bucks to make and always turn a profit.  And some of them have been great.  But I walk away from a lot of them these days just thinking that the movie would have been way, way better off without the gimmick of someone walking around with a camera "filming" everything as if it's real.

In the few horror circles that I stalk around on, these particular movies actually have a decent amount of hype.  Creep and Creep 2 get a lot of praise for the performance of Mark Duplass, the lead guy who used to be one of the stars of The League and now runs a production company with his brother.  But these flicks are the brainchild of director Patrick Brice, who even co-starred in the first one along with Duplass.  I watched both movies back-to-back on the same night, an easy enough accomplishment since both are only about 75 minutes long.  They're kind of a strange beast; there were points, especially during the first movie, where I found myself hitting the pause button to check to see how much time was remaining.  But they gained momentum, and then...I thought about them when they were over.  Movies that can do that are hard to find.  So what are these movies about, and why exactly are they Creepy?  Let's find out.  Advance warning - this review is going to be spoilerific.  Like, to the max.

Well, as I previously mentioned (I suppose one could say that it was AFOREMENTIONED - aren't you glad that some of these stupid non-jokes are approaching their final days?), director Patrick Brice is your de facto protagonist in the first film.  His character's name is Aaron, and he is a videographer answering a Craigslist ad promising a decent payday if he'll only follow this mysterious guy around for a day.  Said mysterious guy is, of course, Mark Duplass under the guise of the name "Josef."  Quotation marks because there be a lot of surprises on the way.  Brice himself is likable enough in his role, but Duplass just owns this role.  You know from the first time you see him that there's something lurking under his tragic front story involving dying of cancer and recording a video for his family.

What you need to know about that first movie is this: as it goes on, it becomes apparent that Josef changes his story seemingly every ten minutes.  There are sections of it that terminally drag, particularly the whole bit where the characters go out to a local watering hole and then a restaurant for a little game of "truth and more truth."  It reaches its zenith when nightfall arrives back at Josef's amazingly large home in the woods where he tells a weird story about the fate of his wife that eventually results in Aaron hightailing it home.  The end result?  He starts getting...some DVDs in the mail from Josef, escalating into a shock ending that admittedly did catch me off guard but left me with the simple question that Josef, now exposed as a full-on serial killer who has done this sort of trick with tons of people in the past, poses to the audience - why not simply look behind?  It was a decent ending that admittedly had me intrigued for more.

The second movie carried forth on that momentum.  Unlike the first, where I was admittedly just waiting for the entire running time just to see what this dude's M.O. would turn out to be, this one was much more suspenseful specifically because you know what a sadistic f**k this guy is.  You look back on various incidents from that first movie and think just how much he enjoys scaring his victims first before killing them, and now the character really is someone that you can hate.  The setup this time involves Sara, a web show producer played by Desiree Akhavan whose series involves finding the people behind Internet personal ads and showing the world how strange they are.  As such, the ad that she gets asking for a videographer for a day and that it's a big plus if they're a fan of Interview With the Vampire is right up her alley.

This time around, the filmmakers and Duplass himself (who co-wrote the script this time around) seemed to have a lot more fun with the premise.  For starters, the character is remarkably honest with Sara from the first meeting save for a few small details, and she plays right along with the game of shooting a documentary about the world's most famous serial killer that no one knows.  There actually are a few bits where we feel the slightest amount of pity for this guy, but they're always pushed back by his constant need to scare Sara only to get the tide turned on him on more than one occasion.  For the better part of an hour, this is actually a pretty snappy little thriller, but it's one where the ending is kind of a letdown.  In that way, it's kind of an exact opposite of the first, which left me flat for its middle section only to be rescued by a slam-bang finale. 

Overall, I definitely think these are movies that are helped by the fact that they are short.  Most found footage movies are pretty short, but it's absolutely crucial to these two flicks.  We're dealing with a pretty thin premise here, after all.  It's not like we're looking at demonic possession or something.  Much like all films in this genre, you also have to get by the simple question of "why is this person still filming?"  This is especially bad in the first, when Aaron just keeps on keepin' on with his documentary of being scared despite having enough evidence that he could have called the police on no less than six different occasions before he actually does and summarily tells them nothing.  Suspending disbelief here is kind of a chore, so don't act like I didn't warn you.

Amazingly enough, though, the Creep movies manage to, well, creep past their hokey setups and stick with you despite some of the head-scratching things that the protagonists do.  There are things here that will stick with you after the end credits roll; two particularly memorable bits are a really long sequence of dialogue in the second film where Duplass espouses the virtue of his favorite song and the story that may or may not have inspired him to become a serial killer and the scene that introduces the wolf mask that he frequently wears in the first film, complete with a name ("Peach Fuzz") and a dance.  Did I mention that this dude wears a wolf mask?  Well, he does.  And it's laughable in the best way.

I award these films *** out of ****, mainly for the performances, the memorable bits of dialogue and my belief that we've all had a friend something like this guy.

Split (2016)

2016
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan
Starring James McAvoy, Anya Taylor-Joy, Betty Buckley, Haley Lu Richardson and Jessica Sula

I remember a time when I used to enjoy going to movies.  Like, actually going to theaters to see them.  It seems like a long, long time ago, way back to that mystical wayback land of the early 2000s when the Lord of the Rings movies ruled the roost and the rabid anticipation for each new superhero movie to get released.  Remember that?  Remember when they were special and there weren't 27 of them per year?  But there was another ever-present thing from that time period that I was always jacked for every time it came up - the new M. Night Shyamalan movie that was about to be unleashed.

I'm sure I've told the story on this here blog in the past, but fuck it, here we go again.  Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and Signs.  Those flicks were a breath of fresh air to me throughout high school because they were so different from any "scary" movie that I'd seen previously (although the second one isn't quite a scary movie, but stick with me).  Yeah, they had their moments of legit tension.  But they were such satisfying slow burns that spent a LOT of time on their characters and getting you emotionally invested in what you were watching.  And I loved them.  And then I made the mistake of calling Shyamalan the best director currently working, and then his career immediately took a dive for the shit.  As such, I didn't hold out much hope for Split when I heard that it was about to be released and didn't give it a chance.  But then, word of mouth came along.  Curiosity got the better of me.  And I paid the $14.99 to buy a digital copy.  Well, does it live up to the hype?

The movie opens with a scene that grabs your attention within the first five minutes.  We meet popular high school students Claire (Haley Lu Richardson) and Marcia (Jessica Sula), hosting a party of sorts where shy, withdrawn Casey Cooke (Anya Taylor-Joy) is also present.  Casey is waiting for someone to pick her up...and waiting...and waiting...and nobody shows, leaving it up to one of the girls' dads to drive her home.  Spoiler alert: he never makes that drive, as the dad is knocked out by mysterious man who soon incapacitates the three girls with an aerosol spray.  Cue opening credits, and I'll admit to actually being excited to see that big, giant masturbatory "Directed by M. Night Shyamalan" marquee again.

Essentially, Split is a horror flick about these three girls being trapped in an undesirable situation and trying to get out.  They wake up together in a room locked inside a smaller room, and they're aware of the guy on the other side who likely wants to do bad, bad things to them.  Spoiler alert #2: Some bad, bad things do happen in this movie, but the movie has some fun dealing with the personalities of the captives.  Almost immediately, Casey stands out as the star of the show, and played by a very game Anya Taylor-Joy she's a firecracker.  I'll admit to not caring all that much for her two companions, but amazingly enough they grew on me as the running time ticked by.  And then there's James McAvoy.

It's hard to call his character any sort of real name.  Mainly because there are 23 of them.  The title of the movie comes from the fact that he suffers from dissociative identity disorder, and that the guy who kidnapped the girls is "Dennis," an obsessive-compulsive neat freak who has a thing for underage girls.  We also get to know "Patricia," a slightly scary matriarch; "Hedwig," the child-side of the character's personality; and "Barry," the dominant personality who is a fashionista and makes a pile of money selling art.  The usual trappings of a movie like this occur as the girls attempt to escape while we get bits of McAvoy interacting with them.  Spoiler alert #3: McAvoy is fucking boss in this movie.  Like, legit it's one of the best horror movie performances I've ever seen.  On paper, some of the things he does here should make you laugh, but he manages to come off as creepy in all the right places and even relatable in some others. 

The movie has a framing device that it keeps going back to in regards to McAvoy's relationship with renowned psychologist Karen Fletcher (Betty Buckley), who believes that DID is the key to unlocking human possibilities.  When you think about it, it really is amazing how a blind person can have an alternate personality that regains sight, isn't it?  Well, it can also be scary, as the periodic bits where we hear about a latent 24th personality named only "The Beast" become more frequent.  The final thirty minutes or so of the movie where "The Beast" shows up are absolutely electric, and while I wasn't exactly pissing myself in terror and was able to sleep like a baby immediately afterward I'll admit to being on the edge of my seat watching our characters in peril attempt to evade this guy.  And man, he has powers and abilities that rival anything the Ultimate Warrior or Hulk Hogan did in the WWF's glory days.

As a psychological horror flick, Shyamalan really managed to craft something special here.  There are scenes in this movie that would have been either utter bores or unintentionally hilarious in some of his mid-period misfires (and there's no need to bring up the names of those films - "you eyeing my lemon drink?"), but they're handled with care and restraint here.  There are also little touches that get you to genuinely project yourself up there on that screen, especially with the character of Casey.  Every once in a while, we get a glimpse into her childhood and a hunting trip that gives us all the reason we need as to why she is such a shy, introverted person.  Spoiler alert #4: this stuff also gives us an ending that while it is happy on paper also leaves us with a feeling that kicks you right in the gut unlike anything I've seen in a long time.

Yeah, dear readers, this is a movie where pretty much everything fires on all cylinders.  You get the camera work and directing chops from Shyamalan that manages to catch your eye without pounding you over the head how hard the guy was trying to create an artsy shot, you get solid performances up and down the board and a truly legendary one from McAvoy, and you get a script that shows pretty much never-ending invention and logic.  The cherry on top?  A final scene that gives us a kick-ass setup for something that I'm actually looking forward to watching in a theater.  And yes, I plan on making the 45-minute drive for this particular upcoming film, due out sometime in 2019. 

Rating time.  Wait for it...**** out of ****.  A stunning return to form for M. Night Shyamalan years after I'd written the guy off.  Let's see if I can avoid giving him the Lick Ness Monster curse this time around.

Cult of Chucky (2017)

2017

Directed by Don Mancini
Starring Fiona Dourif, Michael Therriault, Adam Hurtig, Alex Vincent, Jennifer Tilly and Brad Dourif as the voice of Chucky

When I was a kid, I loved the hell out of the original trilogy of Child's Play flicks.  Hell, I still do.  Watching those movies always takes me right the hell back to my childhood, back to a time before my biggest fears were things like turning 35 in a couple months.  Buzzkill.  They used to play those films on USA CONSTANTLY around 1993/94, and every time they came on I was all over the channel like a moth being drawn to a light.  I liked everything about them; the characters, the atmosphere, the humor, and, of course, Brad Dourif doing the voice of the main man himself and managing to both creep the f**k out of me and make me laugh.  Sometimes within the same scene.

I also enjoyed the Bride and Seed movies that came later, no matter how much they ramped up the goofy.  But then came Curse of Chucky, reviewed on the blog a while back and coming out many years after the series had been dormant.  The tone this time was totally different; Don Mancini, the man who has either directed or written every single movie in the franchise (and is back once again for this particular movie in both capacities) decided to bring the series back to its dark roots.  For my money, though, that movie was WAY darker and more serious than even the original movie.  Instead, it just felt more like the gritty reboot that has been done to death in Hollywood over the past 15 years - albeit one with a fantastic adherence to continuity.  Well, now we're all the way up to the present day, and it's time to continue the epic story of serial killers trapped in dolls and all of the people that his life affects.  It truly is a Shakespearian tale.  Let's get to it.

Well, in Curse of Chucky, we had a much more contained story within the family home of Nica Pierce.  She was played by Fiona Dourif, Brad's real-life daughter (and man, there is a strong resemblance), and by the end of that movie she was framed for the murders of her entire family and sent away to a mental institution.  Four years have passed, and Nica is still around, still played by Fiona, and she now believes that she was responsible for all of those deaths and that Chucky was just a manifestation of her psychosis.  The script actually does a decent-enough job setting up the institution as the setting for everything that is to come, to say nothing of some of the cameos we've already enjoyed.

See, Alex Vincent is in this movie.  The man, the myth, the legend.  The guy who once played Andy Barclay in the first two movies is now back as an adult after the awesome post-credits sequence from the last one, and he is in possession of the original Chucky's head.  Which he constantly tortures, no less.  Yeah, this ain't exactly the time period where Chucky used to beat teachers to death with rulers.  In a move that comes as a surprise to absolutely no one, people soon start dying in that mental institution, and we get kind of a dual-setting storyline where Nica deals with the presence of Chucky and her own slipping psychopathy while Andy deals with...doing something about it.  Again, truly Shakespearian.

And boy, what a cast of characters we have at the institution.  It's lorded over by Dr. Foley (Michael Therriault), and God is he annoying.  He's got a face that can strip wallpaper, and he's a perv.  There's another patient who goes by the moniker "Multiple" Malcolm (Adam Hurtig), with whom Nica shares a sex scene (holy Christ) and who eventually believes himself to be Mark Zuckerburg.  Honestly, this happens.  And once the Chucky doll shows up at the place, there's another patient who believes it to be her baby.  That storyline is creepy in the bad way, in that it actually gets under your skin and makes you feel kind of dirty.  I think Mancini was aiming for poignancy with this storyline, but wow, does it fail.

This movie really is the Chucky show.  Slowly but surely, it's revealed that there are no less than three of them running around in the institution in some nice nods to series continuity that fellow nerds like myself will pick up on.  That's where the movie gets its name, and it's where this movie gets its climactic scenes.  Eventually, Andy makes his way to the scene of the crimes.  And eventually, we get some showdown scenes and Chucky once again trying to do that familiar voodoo chant.  Only there is kind of a twist this time that feels like it was pulled directly out of Don Mancini's ass and is explained away in about .5 seconds flat.

Yes, kids, we have another Lick Ness Monster review that's decidedly negative in tone, but if you want some counterbalance I seem to be in the minority about these newer Chucky movies.  Yeah, they're darker and they're deadly serious.  A lot of people seem to like the approach, but I think it kills what made this series unique.  If you want some positives, though, there's plenty to talk about here.  In addition to Brad Dourif doing yet another home run job as the voice of Chucky, we get Jennifer Tilly (still smokin' hot at 50+ years old) returning to the series in scenes that steal the show.  The effects work on the various Chucky dolls are also top notch, and some of the kills are pretty cringe-worthy.  Not scary in the least bit, but cringe-worthy.

So what don't I like about this movie?  Well, it's not fun.  That was always what I could count on the [i]Child's Play[/i] movies of my youth for - a fun time in front of the TV.  There's this pervasive sense of darkness that just eats up any and all fun to be had, and also a kind of mean-spiritedness.  You want proof of that?  Just watch this movie and get a load of how it ends.  But remember to stay tuned after the credits for another fun cameo; it was definitely a big crowd-pleaser for this reporter.

Rating time.  This flick gets a ** out of ****.  Yeah, I know that the Internet horror community consensus says differently, but this newfangled Chucky universe just isn't for me.

Tales From the Darkside: Series Retrospective

1983-1988

Created by George A. Romero

There's nothing quite like anthology shows.  From the days of my youth doing my damndest to find my way over to a friend's house on Friday night for Tales From the Crypt to my college years absorbing Twilight Zone reruns on at midnight on SyFy to burning through Thriller on the DVR as a geeky adult, these things have been eponymous with my life.  Supposedly, they're bringing the latter series back, but I really don't have a whole lot of hope for that one.  A lot of these shows were that special brand of lightning in a bottle taking place in their own time period that just can't be replicated.  Case in point: Tales From the Darkside.

OK, guys, I'm giddy about this particular review.  For starters, I'd seen a few episodes before but didn't take in every show until I bought the complete series on DVD roughly a a year-and-a-half ago when all of the horror discs were marked down in the post-Halloween selloff.  I've watched a few episodes here and there ever since with the plan on writing a big overview, but other things kept getting my attention.  The moral of the story is that this is definitely the longest review-in-waiting that I've ever done.  No joke, that big multi-disc set that I picked up for twenty-five bucks at Wal-Mart has been perched on top of my dresser next to the DVD player for ALL THAT TIME.  I really don't know why it's taken me this long to watch every episode, because the show is really, really good.  In fact, I'll go even further and say that it's probably my favorite thing that I've ever seen associated with George A. Romero.

For the uninitiated, Romero is a really popular and influential guy in the horror community.  The creator of the modern-day zombie film with 1968's Night of the Living Dead and a whole heap of movies that followed in its wake, he's undoubtedly played a really huge role in the development of horror in the 20th and 21st centuries.  Sadly, he also passed away in the time that it took me to watch this series.  In the early '80s, this show was the result of the success of the Romero-directed anthology opus Creepshow.  The origial idea: Creepshow: The Series.  The title that the show would eventually take was perhaps even more of a nod to the EC horror comics that served as that film's inspiration, as what the creators and producers were shooting for was nothing short of a live-action horror comic book.  A pilot was produced that aired two days before Halloween in 1983, and it was successful enough to be picked up by CBS and distributed via syndication throughout its main run from 1984-1988.  So what made this show such a huge cult success?  Let's get to looking at the show's entire run, beginning with the pilot episode.

While I don't think that the episode is a particularly strong one, there's no doubt that I would have been TERRIFIED of that initial Halloween-themed pilot show.  The story is about this old miserly guy who holds an entire town hostage with his IOU system (hey, they're as good as cash).  The catch?  If any town child can explore his spooky house and find the IOU's, their debts are forgiven, but the crotchety fuck terrifies the poor kids with animatronic ghosts.  Man, what an asshole.  Of course, this Halloween there are all kinds of REAL ghosts out for the dude, and this was the format that the series would follow from this point forward.  Set up an intriguing and potentially scary situation, build it up and pay it off.  In short, A+ back-to-basics storytelling!

The first season introduced that ungodly theme music, with the camera gliding through the eerie woods complete with a soul-destroying voiceover: "Man lives in the sunlit world of what he believes to be reality. But...there is, unseen by most, an underworld, a place that is just as real, but not as brightly lit...a dark side."  BRRRRR.  There was some good stuff to be had as Tales From the Darkside found its footing.  My early favorites were "The Odds," with Danny Aiello as a bookie who never turns down a bet and Tom Noonan as the mysterious wagerer determined to break him; "Mookie and Pookie," with the gorgeous Justine Bateman in an early role who believes her deceased brother's spirit is now inhabiting her computer; and the Stephen King adaptation "Word Processor of the Gods" that takes the familiar "everything a creator creates becomes real" trope played out to perfection.  Jessica Harper, Harry Anderson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar show up in various episodes that are worth checking out, but everything here pales in comparison for what was to come.  Get ready.

While Season One featured a lot of talented people in front of the camera, Season Two brought us not only Romero but a bunch of his friends helping out behind it, and it shows.  The Halloween episode this season entitled "Halloween Candy" was directed by makeup maestro Tom Savini and is another instant classic about a rotten bastard who enjoys tormenting trick-or-treating children before running into a Satanic goblin.  Yes, this actually happens.  Romero himself wrote the episode "The Devil's Advocate," starring Jerry Stiller as a radio show host who wakes up in a strange, warped version of his studio before being tormented by calls from the past.  Stiller is just aces here (as always), but amazingly there's more.  "Lifebomb" is a story with one hell of a twist as a work-a-holic cuts a deal with an insurance company that virtually guarantees that his bad ticker won't kill him, but this guarantee comes with a hell of a cost.  Finally, Seth Green stars in "Monsters in My Room," a tale that any kid can relate to about the proverbial demons that lurk in your bedroom when the lights go out. 

At this point, I remember taking a long break from watching the series, but I remembered how strong that second season was.  When it was time to dive back in, I was ready, and what greeted me was "The Circus."  This was another Romero-scripted episode and was an excellent season starter as William Hickey plays a cynical reporter who doesn't believe the stories about the strange creatures on display at a traveling circus.  Three guesses how that turns out.  We also get an honest-to-goodness Christmas episode this time as two kids demand a Christmas tale from their parents - and in "Seasons of Belief," what they get is the "Grither."  One of the kids is played by Jenna Von Oy, a.k.a. Six from Blossom.  I think the focus of this season was more about creepiness than the normal slam-bang payoff, and the change of pace worked.  The proof of this is "Everybody Needs a Little Love," an adaptation of a Robert Bloch short story with Jerry Orbach as a lonely divorcee who becomes obsessed with a mannequin.  Said mannequin does not look like Elaine Benes.

Bloch would also be responsible for the story that opened the final season - "Beetles," where an archaeologist unearths an ancient sarcophagus and doesn't believe the dour warnings about what doing so could do to him.  Classic Mummy's Curse-style story, right there.  A few episodes later, Clive Barker joined the pantheon of horror luminaries on the show when he adapted his short story "The Yattering and Jack" for the series.  The episode is played for laughs and actually succeeds on a few occasions, and I'm not even going to spell out the story for this one.  Trust me, look it up.  Stephen King would return to write "Sorry, Right Number," where a woman gets a frantic phone call and struggles mightily to help the person making the call.  Imagine that Halle Berry movie, but good.  Fantastic writing contained in that previous sentence.  Also, remember how bad that Cameron Diaz movie The Box was?  See, I got the impression that the movie was essentially a horror anthology episode painfully stretched to 90 minutes...and that was proven here as Jodie Foster directs "Do Not Open This Box"!  Yet another big success as the show's run comes to a close.

Amazingly enough, though, we're not done, as two years later we were graced with Tales From the Darkside: The Movie.  I reviewed it previously here on the blog, and I won't do the entire blow-by-blow, but the short version is this: as a climax to the series, it's pretty much perfect.  And as Tom Savini put it, "THIS is the real Creepshow 3." 

That quote really sums up the entire experience of watching this series.  It seems like each successive generation of horror film-makers brings back the things that they loved from their childhood.  Right now, it's the things covered in this particular review.  1980s horror.  Back then, it was the horror comic books of the 1950s, and this show did that to absolute perfection.  Not every episode was a home run; to be fair, there are a fair amount of episodes that are fairly boring and not scary in the least bit.  But a ***+ half-hour of television at least every other week is more than acceptable ratio.  If you find this thing on the cheap like I did, it's definitely worth plunking down a couple of ten-dollar bills to have in your collection.  It's a really fantastic time capsule of that whole magical period in horror history and...wait for it...I actually prefer this to Tales From the Crypt now.  The difference?  Occasionally, Crypt would get cynical with its source material.  This was ALWAYS a celebration, and that's just such a rare, refreshing thing. 

Check this show out, kids, it's well worth 18 months of your life.

Puppet Master: Axis Termination (2017)

2017

Directed by Charles Band
Starring George Appleby, Tonya Kay, Paul Logan, Kevin Scott Allen, Tania Fox, Alynxia America and Daniele Romer

Full confession time: when I decided to cover the last few Puppet Master flicks, I was expecting the worst.  I mean, I've seen some of the latter Charles Band films to come down the pike, and they're not terribly impressive.  Imagine my surprise when I find out that they're actually a pretty fun little trilogy of movies.  Not great, definitely not spectacular, but fun, and Axis Termination is more of the same, if not just a step below the David Lean-esque quality that we've come to expect from this epic series.  Wait, what?

A decent amount of time would pass between Axis Rising and this one; five years, to be exact, or enough time for Charles Band to save up enough free Big Mac coupons to set aside the $1 million or so budget that these movies require.  Once again, they manage to push that budget to the absolute maximum, as we get a movie that actually looks semi-professional.  I don't know exactly how interesting the story is when it comes to making these movies, because they really are pretty cookie-cutter.  Got a few actors willing to work for scale and a fair special effects guy to animate the puppets?  You're good, bro.  Then again, there are days where I would love to be a fly on the wall for the making of an actual movie about killer puppets who happen to be good guys.  It can't be easy to make these movies watchable.  How watchable?  Let's get to examining the story.

If you can count on one thing with the Axis trilogy of Puppet Master movies, it's that old characters are about to die off.  Like, severely.  The last two movies were the story of Danny Coogan and his girlfriend Beth, perfectly nice World War II-era patriots who became the new masters...of puppets.  Well, they die here within the first two minutes of running time after a clever ruse that a fifth grader could come up with courtesy of those dagblasted, consarnit Nazis.  It really is kind of a buzzkill; they were likable characters, but it doesn't really matter much since I thin they're only mentioned two more times in the movie from this point forward.  What you need to know is that the magical elixir of Andre Toulon that re-animates inanimate objects is now in Nazi hands, and we need a new crop of characters to combat them.

And boy, what a bunch of characters this movie throws at us.  I'm somewhat grateful for this, because it's enough to fill up two whole paragraphs of this eight-stanza review!  First, let's look at the Good Guy side.  Your star is Dr. Ivan (George Appleby), a dwarf who is also a powerful psychic.  Let me tell you something about dwarves in movies (brother), no matter how bland and/or terrible the material around them is, they always play the role to the full hilt.  Just look at anything starring Phil Fondacaro or Warwick Davis for further proof.  Dr. Ivan also has a hot daughter (Tania Fox) and an ungodly beautiful assistant played by Daniele Romer who gives us this amazing sequence where she does some magic topless that would have set off the Skeevy Paragraph if I did that thing.  Oh, and they're rounded out by the movie's requisite military guy (Paul Logan), but he's barely worth mentioning.

The opposition.  Well, this movie definitely has plenty of them.  Tonya Kay is pretty much the star of the show in this go-round as Dr. Gerde Ernst.  Screen time?  Yeah, she has plenty of it, with her bad German accent rolling out at us the entire time.  The guy in charge of the Nazi operation this time is Krabke (Kevin Scott Allen), a dude who is the foil to Dr. Ivan in regards to psychic power.  They also still have the Nazi puppets (and it still makes me all kinds of happy to type those two words together) introduced in the last film to play around with.  Who else?  Well, if I remember correctly, there's also this freaky chick who uses sex as a weapon to go along with needles for fingers, or something.  I don't know, it's been a week since I watched it as I type this, and this sounds like the kind of detail I should remember, but I don't.  Nobody ever said I was good at this job.

And...that's pretty much it, folks.  These three movies all followed a pretty similar formula, and this one is no different.  The Good Guys have their faction in one location, the Nazis have their camp in another, and eventually they meet up for a big climactic battle.  Fortunately, the puppet fight this time around is pretty good, although I'm getting a little tired of seeing the Leech Woman "spit a leech down some unsuspecting sap's throat" kill.  Mostly because it's legit one of the only things I've seen in a movie that grosses me out. 

There really isn't a whole lot else to say about this movie, other than the fact that if you liked the last two flicks, you'll probably like this one as well.  It's got a couple of likable heroes in Dr. Ivan and his daughter and a bunch of truly detestable villains to root against - and this includes Bombshell, Weremacht and Blitzkrieg, a.k.a. the Nazi puppets.  Still happy, dammit.

Having said that, there are also some things that knock this one down a peg from the other Axis films.  Every movie in the Full Moon pantheon has sections that drag; it kind of goes with the territory when you're dealing with budgets this small.  The method this time is to have this weird power struggle between Ernst and Krabke.  This reaches a head in an extended sequence where the latter uses his mystical powers on the former, only for her to reverse it and talk down to him for something like 17 hours.  These parts of the movie in Nazi HQ are frequent, slow, and kinda boring, so don't say I didn't warn you.

Time to dispense that oh-so-holy rating.  ** 1/2 out of ****.  That makes this one not quite a "thumbs up," but if you've seen every PM movie up until this point, why the f**k not?  And with this series down, we now have two more months to go here on the blog.  Next month, I'm going to be looking at...a whole lot of different stuff!  Stay tuned.

Puppet Master: Axis Rising (2012)

2012

Directed by Charles Band
Starring Kip Canyon, Jean Louise O'Sullivan, Oto Brezina, Scott Anthony King, Stephanie Sanditz and Brad Potts

The plan for Axis of Evil, the movie reviewed last week right here on the ol' blog, was to start a new "mini-franchise" for Full Moon, and that's exactly what it did.  By and large, the movie was solid in both plotting and execution, and fans of the whole merry band of murderous (yet righteous) puppets seemed to applaud the move as well.  Thus, two years later, we were blessed with another budget that couldn't have possibly been more than a million bucks tops along with a production team that consisted of Charles Band and about six other people.  The result?  Another fair-to-good action flick with some fun horror-y moments.  In other words, pretty much exactly what you expect from this studio and this series.

The thing that works about this flick despite it being pretty stupid once again on a surface level is that it has a different tone from the last one.  Axis of Evil was a movie about its heroes; this one is pretty heavily focused on the villains.  Each Puppet Master movie kind of has that feeling if you go through the whole series, but I won't bore everyone with the bloody details of how this comes to be.  Partly because I don't feel like typing it out, and partly because I don't think anyone would care.  I suppose this introduction would get a good solid B- from the official movie review arbiters of the universe consisting of James Beradinelli and the ghost of Roger Ebert.  With that, let's get to the blow-by-blow.

You know, when I sat down to watch this flick, I really was expecting to see a movie with the same characters as the last one played by the same actors.  After all, it came out in 2012, a mere two years after Axis of Evil.  Well, imagine my surprise when I find out that Danny Coogan and his girlfriend Beth had both been recast.  Yes, sir, instead of the pieces of cardboard that we grew to know and love earlier, they are now played by Kip Canyon and Jean Louise O'Sullivan, and I've got to say that this was an improvement.  For those keeping score, Danny is our star character in these movies, a nice, unassuming guy with a bad leg who longs to serve his country and is unable to, while Beth is kind of his feisty sidekick.  Only this time the actors are able to pull it off with a modicum of success.  So +2 cool points to the movie in this regard.

Time to start yacking about the story in this film.  Ozu, the Japanese villain that we grew to know and hate, has captured Tunneler and is trying to broker a deal to hand him over to the Nazis in return for...cash, or something, I honestly can't remember.  Anyway, she is shot and killed.  I am one damn good film reviewer.  Said Nazi is named Moebius, he's played by Scott Anthony King, and he is AWESOME in his role.  The thing about this little mini-trilogy is that they really do feel like classic Universal monster movies in that they have "mad scientist" type villains who are WAY over the top played by actors who totally embrace the cheese.  But he's not all that this movie has up its sleeve.

See, Moebius has his own secret lair in Chinatown where he begins conducting experiments to replicate the life-giving properties that the puppets possess.  And it's here where we meet his assistant of sorts, Uschi, played by the certifiably gorgeous Stephanie Sanditz.  She has the world's thickest and fakest German accent to go along with the thickest and fakest boobs, and she is something else.  Their job is to oversee the experiments of Dr. Freuhofer (Oto Brezina), kindly old get who is trying to create his own puppets both out of a need to see his captured family again along with his lust for Uschi.  A truly Shakespearian plot, if I say so myself.

So what happens in this movie?  Well, the truth is that we get long stretches where not much does happen.  The short version?  Danny and Beth are now under the protection of the military and get babysat by the dog-faced Sergeant Stone (Brad Potts).  Slowly but surely, they catch on to what Moebius is planning, leaving it up to them and the puppets to stop.  The really cool thing?  Freuhofer eventually succeeds in creating new puppets, meaning that Blade, Leech Woman and the rest of them have some truly formidable opponents: NAZI PUPPETS.  Just typing those two words makes me happy.  I'm not going to spoil what their gimmicks are here, but suffice to say, they're amazing.

I'm well aware that the tone of this review has been very positive, but I think I need to point out once again that I LOVE movies like this.  In this day and age where every movie above a certain budget shoots for that ever-lofty goal of attaining a  quality score of 7 out of 10, a series of flicks about killer puppets that are also the good guys and totally embrace being the good trashy fun that it encompasses are A-OK in my book.  The effects on the puppets are again top notch.  Almost every actor in this film is pretty much cast perfectly, especially Sanditz.  Every time she's onscreen you can't look away, for both good reasons (her smokin' hot body) and bad ones (that accent, tho).

Much like I point out how I love this whole series, I also need to reiterate that they aren't for everybody.  There are some people who disagree with me about how much fun this franchise is.  Seriously, the gall of those people to disagree with ME!  Joking aside, they definitely serve a niche audience.  If you're not in the weird cult of movie fans who find weaponized puppets killing the fuck out of a bunch of Nazis entertaining...yeah, stay away from this one.

Final rating: *** out of ****, the same score that the previous movie enjoyed.  It's absolutely no better or worse, and it will give you more of what you want if you're a fan of the [i]Puppet Master[/i] films.  Check it out.