Track of the Moon Beast (1976)

1976

Directed by Richard Ashe
Starring Chase Cordell, Leigh Drake and Gregorio Sala

Ok, kids, I'm giddy about this one.  In the annals of bad movies, there are few of them that manage to achieve the true levels of badness that Track of the Moon Beast manages to achieve.  Bad plot, bad dialogue, bad acting, this one pretty much has it all.  It's also got one of the downright funniest characters you'll ever see in any horror movie for reasons that we'll be getting to in due time.  In short, a damn fun time all around.  It's also easily in my top five MST3K episodes, so if you've got the time...trust me, YouTube this episode.  It's #1007, for reference.

This is all surprising, because there is actually a pair of talented people associated with the making of the movie.  First is screenwriter Bill Finger.  Yes, THE Bill Finger, the one who pretty much created the Goddamn Batman.  Granted, his other screenwriting credits included The Green Slime and Death to Planet Aytin, so maybe his otherworldly creative powers were restricted strictly to creating superheroes on an illustrated page.  It also has Rick Baker doing the makeup effects, and while the budget was definitely low enough that the future big-time makeup FX wizard didn't have much to work with, he does a decent enough job considering the constraints.  No, sirs, what made this film suck was a pace that felt so slow that it doesn't even qualify as a slow burn and one of the most out-there premises you'll ever see.  Let's jump right in to the world of giant meteorite-powered lizard men, shall we?

Meet Paul Carlson, recently-graduated mineralogist out in the nondescript deserts of New Mexico attempting to find stuff in the dirt.  Which is weird, because that sounds like what archaeologists do.  At any rate, he is interrupted from his dig by one of the most confusing pranks you'll ever see committed to film before meeting up with his old buddy, Professor Johnny Longbow (Gregorio Sala), and meeting his future love interest, big city reporter Kathy Nolan (Leigh Drake).  Amid some stilted dialogue while finding out about a coming meteor shower, the bond grows quickly between Paul and Kathy and they head out from a legendary stew supper prepared by Johnny to a nearby mountain where Paul is struck in the head by one of the meteorites.  Cue sad, somber transformations.

Before we get into the rest of the film's plot, I just have to take a pause here to discuss the character of Johnny Longbow.  There have been a lot of amazing side characters in the films featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000, but in my humble estimation NONE are better than this guy.  It's hard to explain just what makes him so priceless, but here goes - he's just one of the most pompous guys you'll ever meet without being over the top, constantly ready with some out-there story or legend to explain everything at a moment's notice.  My favorite bits are when he states that Paul still has a "lot to learn," prompting Kathy to ask him what and for his response to be one thing.  There's a good half-dozen moments in the movie involving Longbow trapping some poor sap with his amazing wisdom.  I know it's hard to convey, but take my word for it, you'll be laughing at this guy every time he's onscreen by the end of this movie.

So the plot goes like this.  The meteorite affects Paul's brain chemistry, and he begins turning into a giant lizard every time the sun goes down.  A few locals get offed, and Longbow and the surly local sheriff have no clue who could be doing the killing.  This is interspersed with the heartwarming romance between Paul and Kathy, featuring lines like "Paul, why did this have to happen to YOU??!".  Eventually, the bodies begin piling up as the characters notice that Paul's sudden day sickness episodes are increasing.  MORE eventually, they are able to conduct an experiment (that involves locking him up overnight in a hospital as he transforms) proving him to be the killer.  A killer with scales, fangs, and really, really big claws.

The script also throws the interesting emotional wrinkle that the meteorite will eventually kill Paul.  As a result, the finale takes place as a kind of chase, with Paul breaking out of the hospital and heading for the hills, presumably to kill himself.  Since Kathy has known him for a grand total of 72 hours, she knows exactly where he is heading - the same mountain where he was struck by the meteorite in the first place.  This gives us one of the most baffling finishes in movie history, with a bunch of hapless cops after Paul at the same time that Johnny Longbow fashions the mightiest weapon in his arsenal to take SuperPaul down.  Did I mention that Longbow is also a master archer?  Man, he is a LEGEND.

OK.  I know that I've complained about this movie for a good solid six paragraphs already, so let's get to things that I liked about it.  For starters, man, Leigh Drake (the chick that played Kathy) really had some great legs.  The director realized this early on and exploited it for all it's worth.  If the skeevy paragraph were still a thing, believe me, it would get a workout here.  Amazingly, I also find myself strangely caring about this story, no matter how bad it was.  You actually do buy Paul and Johnny as longtime buds, with the romance angle giving the finale some tragic level of emotion.  But this movie was featured on MST3K, wasn't it?

Oh yes, it was, and for good reason.  Remember how hot I just said Leigh Drake was?  Her hotness quotient carried some sort of directly inverse relationship where it concerns her acting ability.  Whenever she looks into the camera, I swear it feels like she's about to suck your soul out through the television.  Chase Cordell wasn't much better.  And Gregorio Sala...well, he's Johnny Longbow, so I can't complain too much about him.  The rest is just as horrific, from that godawful synthy score to the victim characters that pop up in one scene only to never be mentioned again.  For an indication of what we're dealing with here, Lizard Paul's first murder is of his neighbor who gets in an argument with his wife after coming home drunk one too many times.  Both of them are dead a minute later and nothing of value was lost.  There's also a tent filled with a bunch of old guys playing cards, and one of them gets their arm ripped off live and in color.  It's even funnier when you see it.  You get scenes like this, and Johnny Longbow.  In short, it's one of the greatest Satellite of Love experiences for a reason.

Rating time.  Track of the Moon Beast gets a * out of ****.  It's bad in just about every way that a movie can be, but fuck me if it isn't entertaining anyway.  Check this out on all 50-movie public domain movie packs available to you!