The Giant Gila Monster (1959)

1959

Directed by Ray Kellogg
Starring Don Sullivan, Fred Graham, Lisa Simone, Shug Fisher and Bob Thompson

February has officially crossed over into March, which means that we're no longer looking at horror movies that make you feel all tender and tinkly with love.  Thank God.  No sir, now we're looking at films that occupy a very special place in my heart.  Schlocky horror movies with (mostly) micro budgets, easily mockable tropes, and lines of dialogue that make you say "WTF" out loud.  If you're into internet acronyms, anyway.  Folks, it's MST3K March, and for the next four weeks get ready to read about some movies that have been featured on the legendary bad movie TV show Mystery Science Theater 3000.

I've proclaimed my love for this show many times on this here blog over the years.  But for those of you who don't know what the hell I'm talking about, allow me to introduce you to the world of cheesy movies, robots and riffing.  Originally airing on local Minneapolis TV in 1988, the show premiered on Comedy Central in 1989 and became that network's signature series for many seasons before eventually finishing up its original run on the Sci-Fi Channel.  Always filmed locally in my home state of Minnesota, the premise was pure genius - mad scientists have trapped a regular joe in space and are conducting an experiment to see if they can drive him crazy by showing him terrible movies.  Only he has a secret weapon: humor.  Along with two robot friends, said regular joe viciously rips on every movie that he sees and thus is able to survive, and we the audience get to witness the entire film along with them.  So not only is the show hilarious, it's also a really cool metaphor for not just casually accepting all the crap that passes as entertainment.  Remember, kids, just because it's there doesn't mean you have to watch it!  And the movie that I'm reviewing today is one that I consider to be one of the most fun...

There was a whole heap of "giant monster" movies in the 1950s, but The Giant Gila Monster...man, it's something else.  It had a budget of $138,000, which was a then-modest amount for a major motion picture but from what I understand was HUGE in comparison to most of the movies featured on MST3K.  It also wastes precious little time cluing us in as to why it's titled they way it is, since within the first 30 seconds of the movie we see a teenage couple making out on lovers' lane and promptly getting their car dumped down the side of a mountain by the giant lizard (actually NOT a gila monster but a bearded dragon filmed on small sets - clever use of forced perspective, admittedly).  Unfortunately, this also means that we're subjected to something like 65 minutes of terminal boredom peppered in between small bits the monster attacking things.  There's your plot, kids, goodnight.

Well, that's not all there is.  Your star character is Chase Winstead, chunk-headed 1959 cool dude who works as a mechanic by day and drives his cool hot rod by night.  He's played by Don Sullivan, and the script also takes advantage of his singing ability by including a couple of his original songs in the movie.  Chase has a girlfriend/wife (seriously, I can't remember which) played by the thickly-accented Lisa Simone, who amazingly enough was France's Miss Universe representative in 1957.  Given that fact, I'm surprised that this film didn't just embrace the trash factor by including a few scenes of her in a swimsuit, but I digress.  There's also a Sheriff played by Fred Graham (who humorously seems to view car skidmarks as his chief method of crime scene investigation) and a lovable town drunk who isn't exactly Otis from Mayberry.  Amazingly, this whole town seems to revolve around the mechanic shop/towing business.

One thing that sticks out about this movie is that it never really gets around to explaining just WHY there is a freakin' Giant Gila Monster running around, but yet there it is.  As far as set pieces go, director Ray Kellogg actually takes on some pretty ambitious stuff.  There's this one bit where the gila monster takes out the supports from an overhead railway bridge, causing a passing train to collapse into a dried-up river bed.  Throw on some overdubbed screaming sound effects from the supposed passengers and you've got some amazing stuff.  Throw in the MST3K jokes about the oncoming "dining car" and you've got some comedic gold.

The finale?  Well, Chase gets the opportunity to show off his singing prowess at a local sock hop, only for the gila monster to crash the teenage funfest.  The hapless Sheriff mutters something about how "we can't stop it," but Chase knows that it can be done, rigging his hot rod with nitro and piloting it into the thing.  Don't worry, he bailed first.  Lots of fire and happy music, the end.  And you just know that more skidmarks were created in that scene.  Yeah, it's not as funny when I make the joke.  Oh, and I just realized that there is this woefully out-of-place subplot involving Simone's daughter (?) and the new braces that she gets for her legs.  Yup, this story is in the movie, complete with a heart-wrenching song of celebration from Chase.

Surprise, surprise, there are actually some things in this movie that I like.  For starters, Fred Graham as the continually uninterested Sheriff who utters lines like "well, that's officially not my problem" over and over again when he's not talking about his precious skidmarks.  The guy just puts off such a vibe of "don't give no fucks" that it's kind of hard not to like him, or at least get plenty of mileage out of mocking him.  I know that Joel and the 'Bots did.  You've also got to give it up to the film-makers on this one for getting the most they could have out of a tiny bearded dragon and some miniatures.  There really isn't one LOL special effect moment in this movie - all of the funny stuff comes from character moments and Chase's unreal songs.

This movie was on MST3K for a reason.  Story wise, there's pretty much nothing.  It gives you the absolute bare bones of a narrative, a few monster scenes, and some good exploitation elements (in this movie, the hot rods and the songs).  It's hard to give a shit about any of that stuff.  It is, however, easy to get into if you're in that mood to have fun with it.  Any film with an impromptu "fixing a car" a capella song sequence is worth seeing at least once in your life, believe me.

Alright, now time to grade this movie on a quality scale.  In that regard, it gets a * 1/2 out of ****.  But since this movie comes in pretty much every public domain "50 horror movie pack" collections, odds are you'll have it in your possession at some point...so give it a watch.