Horror Nerd Cinema Bonus: "Piranha 3D"

Every once in a while, a film comes along that just completely encapsulates...and unequivocally GETS...the genre that it is paying tribute to. "Piranha 3D" is just that movie for not only the aquatic horror film, but for old-school horror at large. As it stands, the movie has a 0% chance of wooing the Academy, and rightfully so. It matters little. A film with this much knowing, non-condescending humor, genuine love for its source material, and nonstop need to please its intended audience deserves recognition, which is fortunately exactly what it's getting on horror websites and message boards the world over from a crowd of people notoriously hard to please.

The first person we see in this film is Richard Dreyfuss. But not just Richard Dreyfuss playing his usual Oscar bait role that he's parlayed for the past fifteen years or so. Oh no. Crusty old fisherman Richard Dreyfuss, now much more Robert Shaw than Matt Hooper, singing a heart-wrenching rendition of "Show Me the Way to Go Home." Within minutes, the character is dead, but this one scene alone clues us in as to just what we're about to experience in the proceeding 85 minutes. Namely, one hell of a fun time that knows when to take itself seriously, when to be totally off-the-wall goofy, and when to throw caution to the wind and toss obscene amounts of glorious gratuitous gore/nudity at the audience that was raised on those very things.

It will do this reviewer very little good to actually explain the plot of this film. The plot of Piranha 3D is completely secondary to its desired effect, so here's the absolute bare bones version: a freak accident sets free a huge horde of prehistoric, vicious piranha fish on Arizona's Lake Victoria, which is also home to a massive Spring Break party complete with MTV-style veejays and a sleazy "Girls Gone Wild"-esque entrepreneur played by Jerry O'Connell. Our heroes are Sheriff Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue) and her nice guy son Jake (Steven R. McQueen). To add some emotional levity, Jake finds himself unlucky-in-love with fellow local Kelly (Jessica Szohr), and our main plot of the film finds these characters out on a boat surrounded by the bloodthirsty fish. There's your setup and payoff right there. Where the movie goes above and beyond is actually tribute combined with tried-and-true horror film-making at its finest, but let's start with the former.

Creator Alexandre Aja sought to craft something that fans of slasher films and the horror movies of yesteryear would appreciate, and in this respect, "Piranha 3D" is the ultimate success. There are other films in recent years that have purported to bring back the concept of "old-school horror." "Hatchet" featured those very words on its DVD cover. However, these other films managed to be more annoying than nostalgic, giving us little more than the same stereotypes in wholly unimaginative ways. Yes, there is tons of gore, grisly makeup effects, and bare naked flesh on display within the confines of this particular horror tribute, but Aja shows great invention by upping the ante of what we're used to and catching us off-guard with the ways he presents the usual genre staples. How many other horror films have there been where the big-titted slut character is also a sympathetic girl attempting to hook up our hero with his crush?

Which brings me to point #2 - its effectiveness as a horror film. Seen in its proper form, this movie will get you to wince in pain on more than a few occasions. There's a ton of blood and carnage in "Piranha 3D," and a lot of deaths that look like they really friggin' hurt. More than that, I actually CARED about what was going on with the main group of characters, particularly as the movie makes the bold move of bringing young children into the fold in the form of Jake's grade-school age brother and sister. The stuff where these characters are doing things other than serving as piranha bait actually managed to engage me on something other than just an elementary level, in and of itself an accomplishment. Watching the movie unfold, I found myself comparing it to "The Final Destination," which had far less imaginative use of 3D and far less care put into its primary group in peril. Put alongside this movie, that film looks truly pedestrian.

But forget everything above. For those like myself, who grew up on Joe Bob Briggs, lots of Bob Keane and Phil Tippett special effects, and tuning in to half-fuzzy HBO channels in the hopes of catching a few glimpses of boobs, this is the movie for you, and it made me smile a big, goofy cheshire cat George Clooney smile on more than one occasion. The horror aspects of the movie will make you cringe, the never-ending parade of hot bodies serve as the ideal diversion to the story of 12" fish with razor-sharp teeth, and Kelly Brook...let's just say that Alex Aja wanted to have the best-looking girl he could possibly find in this movie, and he damn well may have found her. And she's actually not too shabby in the acting department, either!

As a rocking good time at the movie theater, "Piranha 3D" gets **** out of **** and my highest recommendation. Joe Bob says check this one out.