Troll (1986)

1986
Directed by John Carl Buechler
Starring Noah Hathaway, Michael Moriarty, Shelley Hac, Jenny Beck, Sonny Bono (yes, really), Phil Fondacaro, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss (yes, really!) and June Lockhart (yes, really!!)

Now we're getting into the meat of the Empire Pictures filmography.  The video store success of Ghoulies really must have been like some sort of satellite beckoning the low-budget movie gods, and low and behold studio started giving Charles Band that most holiest of holy things: greenlights.  A whole lot of 'em.  The movie in question today was released in January of 1986, and this was a year in which they would seemingly churn out a new movie seemingly every month.  Empire was the Hammer Studios of the '80s - they were a factory, and Troll was tailor-made for their assembly line.

First things first: I saw this movie way back in the late '90s when we actually used to have a semi-decent video store in my hometown during a summer in which I rented a ton of old horror movies.  I remember not really liking it then.  On this watch, I actually found it to be semi-enjoyable.  Maybe not in the way that I want to immediately watch it again, but the movie's goofy charm and glorious HD presentation did a lot for me this time around.  That, and I've now seen a bunch of Full Moon films.  Troll is prototype Charles Band.  It's "blink and you miss it" short at 85 minutes, it's chock-full of goofy characters, and it's got some really flashy effects for the time period.  If you're looking for a decent time that exactly require your full attention while watching, look no further.  It's also got some cast of actors.  More on that in a bit.

The thing that everyone should know about pretty much everything connected to Empire Pictures and Charles Band: these movies have unapologetically basic plots.  I've said this before about many other films, but it goes doubly true for these guys.  They take something like two minutes to set up and get going, and Troll is no different.  By the time you're half-done settling in to watch this thing, we've met the main family.  Stereotypical Mom, Dad, teenage son and little girl daughter.  Most fascinating is the fact that the dad and the son are both named Harry Potter.  Yes, really (got it in again!).  Considering that I chose to watch Lord of the Rings instead of that film series, I've definitely gotta hand it to this movie when it comes to my favorite iteration of this character's name.  Also amazing is that the son is played by Noah "Atreyu" Hathaway, a couple years removed from The Neverending Story and now fully in teen idol mode.  The character that he plays is a big magic and Star Trek fan, so -1 points for realism in terms of cool kids there.  The mom is played by Shelley Hack, who kind of looks like a budget version of Catherine Hicks here minus some of the sex appeal.

After that fascinating little introductory scene that manages to introduce all of those fascinating character traits, we meet the Troll when little girl daughter (named Wendy, and also kind of a budget version of Kristie Klark) goes into the laundry facility of their new apartment complex.  This movie was directed by John Carl Buechler, a well-known horror movie effects guru, and you can tell that this guy was his creation from fur-covered head to...um, fur-covered feet.  The thing was impressive for its time, especially in how expressive the face was.  But here, he's after taking over the entire freakin' world, and it starts with little Wendy as he uses his magic ring to possess her spirit.  Yes, really (#5!).  It escalates from here as the movie almost self-destructs with just HOW stupid the main family is here with Wendy, watching her wander all around, disappear for hours, act like a completely different person and still say things like "I think Wendy isn't quite herself lately."  Nobody ever said horror movie characters were smart, but this is really more a fantasy flick, so that's slightly less of an excuse.

And now for the requisite "plot unspooling" paragraph, complete with bonus commentary on all of the side characters contained within.  See, the Troll is really an ancient wizard who, for some convoluted reason, must transform the apartment complex by taking possession of all of the residents with his ring in order to conquer the world.  This is completed when said apartemnt turns into a green, lush fairy world.  But it's the residents of said apartments where this movie is really something else.  Sonny Bono is in this movie, introduced in pretty much one scene so that he can die, but boy is he unforgettable.  He's kind of a Hugh Hefner-esque playboy dude who takes pride in macking it to the ladies, and it's glorious.  We've also got Julia-Louis Dreyfuss as a sort of nondescript hot girl who gets transformed into a goddamned NYMPH (complete with a nearly-nude Dreyfuss running around in the simulated forest).  There's Phil Fondacaro, the guy who would later show up as Sir Nigel Penneyweight in Ghoulies II, and his story arc is actually kind of emotional.  And then there's everyone's favorite TV mom June Lockhart as a mysterious old woman who turns out to be a righteous witch overseeing the apartment complex as the guardian of good in the universe keeping the troll/wizard at bay.  She does this by sitting back oblivious as all of the residents are turned into green slime all around her.  Nobody ever said she was a good witch.

By this point, it should be apparent that I'm getting ready to wrap up the plot description, so here goes.  All the while, Hathaway has been hanging around watching his little sister do strange things and spent forty-five minutes saying things like "she looks like my sister, but she isn't!"  He's made friends with Lockhart and asked to be trained in the ways of good witchery.  With all of the other characters transformed into mystical creatures (via some admittedly good-for-the-time practical effects courtesy of Buechler), it's time for the big showdown.  And...it's kind of a letdown.  No spoilers, but I don't think it makes a whole lotta sense.  Maybe it's just me.

This movie isn't scary at all, but it really isn't supposed to be.  There are some horror ELEMENTS to it, considering that a good portion of the middle of the movie consists of Wendy (that's possessed little girl for those keeping score) showing up to people's apartments, turning into the Troll, and stalking and transforming them.  But it's more a wizard/sorcery kind of story.  At that, it's alright, but this movie's little moments will make sure you never forget it. 

Empire and Full Moon movies are like that.  They might not be technically GOOD, and I've spent more than a few of them desperately trying to think of something else to do.  But after the credits have rolled, I find myself thinking about them and often laughing.  For an indication of what we're dealing with, there's a five-minute reverie in the middle of this thing where all of the newly-turned troll creatures have an impromptu music video, and it's just as amazing as it sounds.  Couple that with Fondacaro doing his thing, lots of animation and stop-motion style special effects, the dad of the main family randomly dancing and singing karaoke to himself for something like seven years (yes, really - that's the last one, I promise) and a whole bunch of other stuff and I kind of want to watch this again.  In twenty years.

Rating time.  This flick gets ** 1/2 out of ****.  Not a masterpiece by any stretch, but it's definitely worth a watch at some point if you've got 80 minutes to spare.  Check it out.