Horror Nerd Cinema Bonus: "Whiteout"

"Whiteout" is one of those truly maddening films that has a fantastic concept and a fantastic leading lady more than capable of carrying an entire movie, and then lets you down with a movie that is just so completely by-the-book and predictable that every single one of the major plot developments is telegraphed from a mile away. Admittedly, it had been quite a while since I'd seen a movie quite THIS pronounced in its level of formula - the last one that I remember is "The Messengers," the extremely crappy 2007 thriller that begat Kristen "Sourpuss" Stewart's acting career, but I digress.

This movie is Kate Beckinsale's movie; she is the focus of nearly every single scene, and for good reason. One, she's hot, and two, she can act, so much chutzpah to director Dominic Sena for realizing where his golden goose lays with this one. In "Whiteout," Beckinsale portrays U.S. Marshall Carrie Stutko, a character with a (come on, like you didn't see it coming) tragic past who is stationed at a remote Antarctic base by her own request. Of course, we also get all of the usual sappy scenes explaining said tragic past and all sorts of banal dialogue about how she's "punishing herself," but for what it's worth, I quite enjoyed Beckinsale in this movie. And not just for those lovely shots of her ass that were hinted at in the trailer.

Anyway, the plot thickens when the semi-normal world of the Antarctic base is rocked by two separate threats - one, an impending super-duper mega uber winter storm, and two, the fact that bodies begin turning up in increasing slasher movie fashion. It's from here that "Whiteout" really begins to roll the rails; the ads that I saw for the movie are incredibly misleading, as I came in expecting a decent retread of Carpenter's "Thing," and what we get from here on out is an incredibly lame whodunnit where the villains might as well be wearing "I AM AN EVIL BASTARD" t-shirt from the first reel. Seriously, if you didn't call the killers in this movie...toss away your movie fan card.

If you can't tell, reviewing this movie is tough; virtually everything in this movie ha been seen in half a million thrillers before, from the maybe/maybe not love interest to the incredibly lame motive for the crimes that the finale of this movie gives us. But unlike some of the other reviews I've read, I don't think "Whiteout" is a horrible film; it's just incredibly BLAND, and I was surprised to learn after watching it that this film was based on a graphic novel. Perhaps this material would have been refreshing in the medium of megadoom superheroes, but in the movie world, it's just another disposable, blase action pic with a slightly more picturesque setting.

Worth the price of a DVD rental only for Beckinsale's performance...save your money on the theater experience.