Greetings again, fellow horror fans, and welcome to the first official manifesto of Jon Lickness, the living dead horror nerd (cue lightning from the sky).As my first official credo as upstanding dictator/chairman/CEO of the horror nation, I'd like to repudiate several claims from...well, pretty much the entire remainder of the civilized world. Face it, people, it's us against them. We're the us, and they're the them. And them - you know who they are. The everyday people. The normals. The people who go to the multiplex or the video store and rent, well, "Rent," or "P.S. I Love You," or "Insert Random Parody Movie Movie Title Here." As horror fans, we're castigated; we're thrown down to the depths of the low, we're looked down on, and occasionally, we even get claims from people that we may hold up in at least a LITTLE bit of respect that our genre is stupid, decaying, or even dying.
We hear it all the time, and perhaps even more disheartening, the news doesn't even come with a similar message each time we hear it. But I, the living dead horror nerd, your ever-faithful public servant, am hear to provide you with a free-of-charge public service (yep, unlike President Obama, my public services don't have a hidden tax levi). Tired of the constant caterwauling that the horror genre is in its final stages, and soon we will have no place to turn for our precious blood, sweat, and final girl fix? Well, Chairman Lickness has a few words for the doubters (a.k.a. the normals): horror ain't going anywhere, bitches, so you might as well get used to it.
What follows is a blow-by-blow recap of things you may hear from the enemy, and several well-articulated (because, you know, I study and research these statements extensively) arguments to combat them.
(1) I can't believe you watch horror movies...you see so many of the damn things on the store shelves, all those stupid direct-to-DVD films that are all completely the same.
The answer: This will be a recurring theme in these answers, but for starters, you're not telling me anything I haven't heard a million times before, jagoff. The "quantity over quality" argument is not a recent adage, and this trend will definitely not lead to your fantasy - the obliteration of the horror film in favor of countless art house films where we wonder...just what the hell happened afterward. Before this day-and-age of direct-to-DVD horror films, we had the explosion of the direct-to-VHS market in the '80s filled with sleazy horror films. And before that, we had the grindhouse, drive-in, B-cinema market of the '60s and '70s. There were also some excellent minds at work in these venues.
(2) How can you watch movies where the effects look so obviously fake? It really takes you out of the movie, and it just makes ME laugh!
The answer: The argument that bad effects = bad movie is just a phenomenally stupid one. Newsflash - Michael Bay's movies are all budgeted somewhere between $150 million and the gross domestic product of Liechtenstein. And you know what? His films are absolutely fucking terrible. If nothing else, I actually PREFER the excellent, handmade, legitimate effects work of Tom Savini or Bob Keane to some CG creation. For starters, we, the horror film viewing audience, have had some pretty dire effects to watch for decades, but if a film is actually, you know, WRITTEN and EXECUTED well, who cares about the special effects?
(3) Horror films are obviously dying, because more and more of them are now strapped to a PG-13 rating that caters to teens, who will scream at every cheap jump scare. If you take away the blood, gore, and profanity, it's not a horror film.
The answer: As for the teens reacting to jump scares, see almost every horror movie ever made ever. Adults have typically frowned on the films since their inception, and again, the drive-in and matinee markets were typically hotbeds for teenage activity, just like watching a horror flick at the multiplex on Friday night is today. And the blood, gore, and profanity argument? Trust me, if you can't build suspense as a director, having naked, blood-drenched lesbians drop the f-bomb fifty times in 30 minutes isn't going to help you. GOOD horror makes film-makers WORK. The PG-13 rated "Drag Me to Hell" is both legitimately frightening AND a rockin' good time at the movie theater; at my viewing, everybody left with a big smile on their face. You can't say that about "Crash," Mr. Stuck-Up English Major.
(4) The genre is dying, and you can tell, because they're running out of ideas for new horror movies. Look at all these remakes!
The answer: Yes, there are more remakes being done now than in, say, the 1940s. There's a lot more movies TOTAL being made in the 21st century than that period, as well. And need I remind you, constant criticizer, that many CLASSICS of the genre are remakes? The 1930s Frankenstein and Dracula films: remakes. John Carpenter's "The Thing": remake. Cronenberg's "Fly": remake. The horror genre has always had a predilection toward using old ideas and telling them in new ways.
The remake argument is likely the one you will hear the most...there has definitely been a decent smattering of the things over the last few years. You'll also likely hear the usual "ghost girl" complaint, but more than anything else, the horror genre has shown a remarkable adaptability over the years. It has gone through phases, peaks, and valleys, with boom periods in the '70s, '80s, '90s, and...what is this decade, anyway? The oughts? The 0's? Yes, people are getting sick of Japan-style horror thrillers now...but in the '80s, people were getting JUST as sick of slasher films. Each decade brings a new signature style, and I for one cannot WAIT to see what is in store for the teens (at least I know what to call THAT decade).
And as for original films, constant horror criticizer and normal citizen, there's been PLENTY of good ones recently. You just have to look a little deeper than the new release section at Blockbuster. "Let the Right One In" was one of the five or six best movies last year. Horror film. Takashi Shimizu's "Ju-On" series is one of the most intense experiences you'll ever have in front of your television. Horror films. "The Strangers" showed us that stillness can be just as scary as a mad villain plowing through walls. Horror film. The new wave of 3D movies like "My Bloody Valentine 3D" and the upcoming "Final Destination" film promise us a fantastic time at the movie theater that few can rival. Horror films. And while I personally wasn't a big fan of it, "Hatchet" brought us something old and something new, with horror legends Robert Englund, Kane Hodder and Tony Todd all in front of the camera in a grand salute to the slasher films of yesteryear in today's setting. Horror film.
In conclusion, people have been predicting the death of the horror genre for many years now...just like many of the arguments listed above, they're nothing new, just regurgitation. They've cropped up at many different points over the history of cinema...just with a different fantastic and usually fantastically popular horror icon as the current target. Twenty years ago, it was Freddy and Jason. Today, it's Jigsaw. Given these parallels, there is no reason that NOW, all of a sudden, the horror genre is going to quietly march to its grave and rest in peace.
The chairman has spoken.
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