Ghoulies IV, featuring the return of Peter frickin' Liapis and the single most random fight scene in cinema history!

Alright, I'll just let cat out of the bag - I enjoyed Ghoulies IV.  Judging by the harsh reaction that it gets seemingly everywhere else on the interwebz, I'm one of the few (but not quite proud) souls out there who will admit to this in public.  Fans of the series just hate this movie, but for the life of me, I can't really figure out why.  Yeah, the Ghoulies barely serve a purpose in it.  Yeah, the plot is stupid and makes pretty much zero sense.  My response to this - the previous films were technically the absolute, drizzling s**t too...so your point is what, exactly?

At any rate, this is the last Ghoulies film.  And folks, I think this is one franchise that is pretty safe from the soul-stripping remake treatment, although that's also what I said about Black Christmas, so what do I know?  Still, it's difficult to imagine any genius producer out there picking up these films that all of five people (one of whom residing in the murky, eerie Lake Okabena) profess their love for, watching approximately six hours of (mostly) terrible acting, banal plotting and puppets who like to stare at hot college co-eds' mammoth funbags and seeing something commercially viable from it.  Thus, if you're a Ghoulies completionist, pick this one up and I'd wager 47 dollars that you're set for life.

The flick was unleashed on video store shelves in 1994, and is one of many, many fine craptacular horror flicks directed by Jim Wynorski.  Wynorski is one of my favorite bastions of bad cinema, having helmed the undisputed masterpiece (/Patrick Bateman) Chopping Mall along with 976-Evil II, the two Munchie films, and a whole host of Skinemax pictures and Syfy originals.  Long story short, I knew I was in for a treat seeing his name listed at the end of the credits.  Even better, this movie actually does serve as an actual, honest-to-goodness ENDING for the franchise.  It brings back Peter Liapis as Jonathan Graves, the part-time college student/part-time devil worshipper from the original film, and features a plot that, while quite moronic, does its damndest to tie up any loose ends that might be out there from the series.  All two of them.

THE MOVIE!!

Pop quiz - what is one of the Lick Ness Monster's favorite movie traits?  That's right, when it wastes absolutely no time getting going, and this is one of the reasons why horror movies rock.  Because when you've got a budget that wouldn't buy eight Whopper sandwiches, time is of the essence.  Within the first five minutes of Ghoulies IV, the impossibly hot chick in the above picture (played by Stacie Randall of Puppet Master 4 and Trancers 4-5 relative fame) bursts into one of those patented movie warehouses consisting of loads of boxes and other assorted knickknacks, kills two guards, steals a shiny red jewel, draws a pentagram on the floor, watches as a dark, shadowy figure emerges from said pentagram, and promptly messes up this whole ritual by passing the jewel inside the drawing.  Everybody got that?  After being berated by this guy (whose voice sounds like he should be telling Randall that there is no Dana, only Zuul), she receives her mission - there is ANOTHER jewel, and he needs it to become complete.  Or something.  What do you need to gleam from this?  There's a really hot girl on screen who likes to wear skin tight black leather for no apparent reason, and we're returning back to the devil worship theme of the first movie.

So begins Ghoulies IV, and within short order we're re-introduced to Jonathan Graves.  Eight years ago in the original film, he had really bad hair and liked to dabble with Satanic spells in his spare time.  Now, he's a gruff, rough and tough cop who doesn't play by the rules.  I said this in the review of the original film, but Peter Liapis is actually a really good actor; he's kind of like Michael Madsen without the 18,000-gallon daily alcohol intake requirement.  These early scenes with him establish his character as a maverick (including not just one but TWO shootouts inside convenience stores...yup, they exist), and also introduce us to his trainee, Scotty Mancuso (Bobby Di Cicco).  Remember Roger Ebert's Law of Economy of Characters?  Well, screenwriters don't introduce characters for no reason, so keep this in mind as Scotty unleashes a whole lot of bad comedy in the early goings of this film.

Yeah.  See that dude up above?  That's Jonathan Graves, and Dirty Harry ain't got nuthin' on him.  After another in a long-line of against-the-rules shenanigans, we then meet Jonathan's Captain.  And what an interesting little number she is.  Her name is Kate, and she's played by Barbara Alyn Woods, whom the DVD box proudly proclaims is on One Tree Hill.  I'll take their word for it since I've never watched a microsecond of the show.  At one point, these two were partners in more ways than one, and throughout the movie we get all sorts of angsty arguments between them that actually come across WAY better than one would expect in a movie like this.  To give you an indication of the material we're dealing with here, one of Kate's main complaints is that she thought "handcuffs were meant to restrain criminals and not to spice up your sex life!"  Liapis and Woods have excellent chemistry, and as a result, these scenes form a nice little emotional center of the film. 

Periodically, the action switches back to the hot chick in black leather, whom we find out from the Gatekeeper-voiced hooded dude is named Alexandra.  To be perfectly clear, a lot of these scenes are just filler.  What we can gleam from them is that she is attempting to bring devil dude over from the netherworld into the real world, where all sorts of s**t disturbing is likely to take place.  It might not be said, but it's strongly implied.

Since this movie IS called Ghoulies IV, you might be wondering where the pint-sized fun-loving demons are.  Well, they're here - they cross over into the real world at the beginning of the film when Alexandra's first ritual fails, and spend the rest of the movie making bad jokes, stowing away in vehicles, and attempting to get back to hell.  They also LOOK quite a bit different than they did in the previous installments, having morphed from semi-mobile puppets to dwarves in devil costumes.  They contribute absolutely nothing to the plot, and this is one of the many aspects of this film that fans routinely harp on.  My reaction?  Meh.  Yeah, their scenes are stupid, but they're pretty damn harmless.  So suck it up, Poindexter.

Lo and behold, it's Jonathan and Kate who wind up investigating the warehouse murder scene, where Jonathan recognizes not only the Pentagram but a peculiar painting outside the warehouse.  This brings back all sorts of bad old memories, as well as a whole lot o' anguish and emotional pain wracking his inner being.  If you're wondering where a lot of the 84 minutes' worth of running time of Ghoulies IV went, it's right here, as the two cops go back and forth between a few murder scenes and Jonathan debates whether or not to tell his old flame about his demonic past. 

There's another principal character that I need to introduce you to - Jonathan's current girlfriend, a hooker named Jeanine (Raquel Krelle) who is almost as tired of Jonathan's narcoleptic sleepiness as Kate was/is.  Seriously, Jonathan dozes off with such frequency in this movie that one has to wonder if he doesn't suffer from some previously unknown kind of chemical brain imbalance that prevents his brain matter from being able to recharge as well as a normal human being.  I know that he drinks a lot, but still.  After passing out before some celebratory sex can be had, Jeanine steals the object that the film's plot cruxes on - the OTHER jewel seen in the movie's prologue that Alexandra wants oh-so-badly - and, just because it's so red and shiny, begins wearing it around her neck.  The Law of Economy of Characters strikes again!

And it strikes AGAIN in short order.  After waking up and seeing his prostitute girlfriend off, Jonathan is called to yet ANOTHER box-laden warehouse by Scotty.  Did I mention that Alexandra had appeared to him in his car and entranced him into doing her bidding?  Well, she did, and this is a trap that Admiral Ackbar himself would be damn proud of.  Jonathan and Alexandra exchange threats before she unleashes Scotty on him.  All appears lost until Jonathan remembers his devil-infused powers, and defeats his bewitched partner by shooting blue lasers out of his fingertips.  Yes, sir, that's what he does.

Jonathan finally comes clean to Kate after this incident, and it's here where we get a bit more background.  In the time frame following the first film but before he presumably entered a law enforcement program, Jonathan and Alexandra used to date, engaging in blood sports, black magic and all other forms of debauchery.  I'll give it to Jonathan Graves - he knows how to get him some poon.  Eventually, Jonathan grew out of the phase, but, in his own words, "Alexandra couldn't get enough."  Eventually, she tried to kill him, which led him to commit her to a mental institution and leaving her with a nasty and decidedly anti-human disposition.  The dark lord of the Sith that she worships is in reality the embodiment of Jonathan's dark side, and getting the gem means bringing dark Jonathan - named Faust, cleverly enough - into the real world and banishing real Jonathan to Hades.  End exposition.

Since evil demonic twins and Pentagram-infused rituals are starting to pick up in frequency, it's time to enter the movie's final trimester.  In one of the finer plot copouts I've seen, Alexandra sacrifices a random extra to Faust and is able to decipher the location of the gem.  Within minutes, she has tricked and kidnapped Jeanine, which is a fine bonus for us the film viewer as Alexandra carries Jeanine over her shoulder like a burlap sack, affording us several nice looks at her panties in the process.  Double secret bonus to the movie here.

Through some convoluted way, Jonathan and Kate are able to figure out the location of the final ritual - the very mental institution that he dumped her off at after deciding that Hot Topic-style Paganism wasn't for him.  And after ditching Kate and making his way there, we get perhaps the single greatest scene in movie history, as Jonathan is ambushed by a lady in red whom we have never seen before and a gigantic sumo wrestling-style fighter.  I could post a lengthy blow-by-blow of this scene, but suffice to say, this is one you have to see for yourself.  It's SO inexplicable and out of nowhere that any recap will just spoil it.  Take my word - Jonathan Graves vs. Imposing Sumo Wrestler Guy is comedic GOLD.

Out in the institution's courtyard, Alexandra has Jeanine tied to a ceremonial altar, and soon enough is able to swap Jonathan with Faust for the officially-sanctioned sacrifice that will spell victory for the bad guys - until Kate shows up.  It's here where the Ghoulies finally get to do something (YAY!), snatching the gem from around Jeanine's neck and tossing them to Kate.  Somehow, our heroine also knows that she can shoot energy blasts out of the gem, promptly blasting both Alexandra and Faust to hell, opening a porthole in the process where real Jonathan and Scotty reappear.  Since this is the final movie in the series, and clearly shoots for the Wayne's World-approved Mega Happy Ending, Jonathan and Kate rekindle their love, and there's no need to feel bad for street walker Jeanine, either, since she finds a quick rebound in Scotty.

Then, in what is legit a pretty damn good moment for the series, the Ghoulies themselves wave goodbye to the audience, telling us that they will be back in Ghoulies IV Part II

Ordinarily, this is where your humble host goes off on some big long-winded soliloquy and puts on a whole bunch of masturbatory smart guy armor to give hard-hitting analysis of the movie in question...but really, what more do you need to know?  As stated numerous times already, the flick was absolutely napalmed by pretty much everyone who saw it, but I don't really see what the huge problems are.  It's got two very good performances from Liapis and Woods, genuinely likable characters, and a simultaneously fun and ridiculous plot that somehow manages to feel like a fitting sendoff for the series.  I'll take that over a Twilight reboot featuring a guy from The Social Network any day.  Thus, I'll give this one *** 1/2 out of **** for all the wrong reasons - pop this one in on a rainy day and you won't be disappointed.

Well, that effectively ends the Ghoulies saga in the life of the Lick Ness Monster, so what monster hunter is lined up with a harpoon and oxygen barrels now?  Well, let's just say that in the power of the night...streets are calling...