Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland (1989)

1989
Directed by Michael A. Simpson
Starring Pamela Springsteen, Tracy Griffith, Mark Oliver, Kim Wall and Daryl Wilcher

Looking through the archives here at Lick Ness Monster Central, it seems like I've reviewed every other Sleepaway Camp movie with the exception of this one...so what the hell, here it is - Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland.  Auspicious introduction, I know.

If I sound reportedly less than enthused, it's because this movie is a little drab.  It's not TERRIBLE or anything, just drab.  For vastly different reasons, the first two flicks in this franchise are infinitely memorable.  The first for its cheese factor, way-out-there characterizations and ending, and the second for its meta humor.  This one is more or less a by-the-numbers micro-budgeted slasher flick with some interesting wrinkles that would be hard to miss.  Writer-director Michael A. Simpson definitely knew that he had a winner with Pamela Springsteen as transgender spree killer, with the Boss' sister turning up the nuttiness factor to previously unheard-of levels.  So she's back, and the movie is better for it.  With that scatterbrained rant out of the way, let's get to the movie.

No wasted motion here, as within minutes of the movie starting, we get an amazing nude scene featuring the gorgeous Kashina Kessler and a kill scene as Angela Baker - having escaped the police after the massacre at Camp Rolling Hills in the second movie - mows down this victim with a truck.  Yeah, we've got a different vibe going on in Teenage Wasteland, as we haven't seen anything like this in this trilogy before.  Taking this chick's identity is only phase one in the plan, however, as soon Angela is posing as camper Maria at a camp run at the Rolling Hills site.

And now for a Lick Ness Monster side interlude: I have never - not once - commented on anything social or political here on the blog, even when the movies that I review do that very thing.  From day one, I've wanted this to be like the party cabin in a slasher film, and that junk has no place in this world.  And that's never going to change - because we're all friends. ;)  I say this because this is another area where Simpson changes things up in this go-round.  The second movie had meta-humor, and this one has attempts at social commentary. 

See, the new Camp Rolling Hills is now Camp New Horizon, a site where a sort of experiment is being run.  See, they've gathered up a bunch of well-off high schoolers and a bunch of troublemaking hooligans and want to try to make them get along.  We get an interview scene early on here as each character introduces themselves.  The only two who don't immediately stand out as future Angela fodder are rich girl Marcia (Tracy Griffith, the sister of Melanie, continuing the series trend of casting famous siblings) and East L.A. gangster Tony (Mark Oliver).  Both characters are likable enough, but truth be told...they're fairly forgettable.  Fortunately, there ARE a couple of ace victims that stick out in their brief screen time (or, as Jim Ross would say, maximizing their minutes).  Both of which fall on the troublemaker side - the weirdly named Arab (Jill Terashita) and switch-wielding tough guy Riff (Daryl Wilcher).  Riff in particular is pretty damn cool, and he also gets brownie points for being aces at a horror convention I went to.  Class act.

Plotwise, more or less it's a repeat of what we got in the last movie.  Angela offs everyone who she views as amoral, covering up their deaths with a Dark Knight-esque series of plot contrivances and conveniences.  Many years ago, I said that the kills in this movie weren't creative and someone blitzed me for it.  And it was semi-deserved.  There are some good, cringeworthy death scenes in this flick, particularly that "switching the cocaine with battery acid" trick or whatever the hell it was.  Having said that (and keep in mind I haven't watched this movie in a few years), there were way too many protracted bits of Angela just whacking someone to death with a stick or something.  I'm not a gorehound horror fan; I tune in to be scared and for good quirky characters.  But in a slasher flick, I really do think each death needs to be a good, creative set piece, and I think this aspect of the flick is kind of a let down.

There really isn't anything technically WRONG with Teenage Wasteland.  The setup, for how convenient it is, is actually pretty effective.  Springsteen once again devastates as Angela, seeming like the happiest person in the world while she's decapitating people.  Simpson again handles this movie's ridiculously low budget with aplomb, making it look fairly decent while also introducing some solid emotional stakes in the form of an on-site police officer who is the father of one of the victims in the previous installment.  Nonetheless, everything in this movie just feels kind of...samey, I guess, is the word.  Again, it's not BAD, it's just kinda there. 

** out of ****.  If you've seen and liked the first two Sleepaway Camp movies (and tons of horror fans do), this one is worth a look.  If you haven't, there's no reason to go out of your way to seek this out.

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers

1988
Directd by Michael A. Simpson
Starring Pamela Springsteen, Renee Estevez, Susan Marie Snyder, Valerie Hartman, Tony Higgins, Walter Gotell and Brian Patrick Clarke

Ah, Sleepaway Camp II.  Almost a decade ago when I started to get serious about collecting horror movies, the "Survival Kit" box set that contains the the first three movies in this legendary series were some of the flicks that got the most airplay in my DVD player, and for good reason.  Are they good?  Well, not really.  But they're all absolutely unforgettable, for various reasons.  The first movie (which I reviewed way back in the day when I still did the International Horror Registry thing) still has the most gut-wrenching ending I've seen in any horror movie, and when the time came around for Sleepaway Camp to get the sequel treatment, I can't say that they did anything other than completely surprise the few theatergoers who took this in before it became a video store staple.

I don't know much about Michael A. Simpson, the guy who took the helm for this and the next movie in the series (that started filming almost immediately after this one wrapped, IIRC).  Suffice to say, he's got an amazing sense of humor.  You know, folks, even with the knowledge that the ending of the original movie makes it one of the weirdest, most batshit insane movies of all time...believe me, this one tops it.  It's the only movie in the history of the world where Bruce Springstee's real-life sister plays a transgender serial killer who kills two campers dressed up as slasher movie villains.  If that's not a ringing endorsement, I don't know what is.

Here be spoilers.  In the shocking climax to the original film, we find out that Angela Baker - the shy, sweet, very Final Girl-y camper who dealt with bullies and first love throughout the 80-minute-or-so running time - was really a he.  And when I say a he, I mean about one step away from being a freakin' werewolf making guttural savage noises and holding a decapitated boy's head in her hands.  It's one of those things that isn't effective when you explain it, but trust me, it took audiences (and me) for a big-time loop.  This flick picks up several years down the line, as we learn that the story of Angela Baker is now a campfire scary story, that she had a sex change operation while in therapy and is now potentially on the loose.  Three guesses as to who the new counselor is at this movie's glorious '80s slasher movie summer camp setting.

Accoring to the ever-accurate Wikipedia, Simpson actually did ask Felissa Rose to reprise the role of Angela here, but she was off going to school or doing something much less important than slasher sequels.  So, we get Pamela Springsteen in the key role of Angela here, and while this movie is in ways just as big of a train wreck as the original, it's also got these weird redeeming qualities that still make it plenty watchable.  And yeah, Springsteen is one of those qualities.  She kinda reminds me of Rory Calhoun as Farmer Vincent in Motel Hell here, in that she's just so likable and nutty while at the same time clearly criminally insane, since the flick gives us our first murder sequence roughly five minutes in and never really looks back.

It doesn't take long for the movie to turn into an unintentional laugh riot, for better or worse.  The original movie had this quality as well, and it all has to do with the characters.  We've got a pair of peeping tom young campers who take pictures of nude girls and sell them off to the highest bidder, we've got the clueless camp runner Uncle John (Walter Gotell), and we've got the amazing mulleted cool guy counselor played by soap actor Brian Patrick Clarke.  All of these guys provide some nice moments that make this movie a decent time to watch with a few friends on the couch. 

It's also got a fairly interesting little main plot, as we actually do get a Final Girl of sorts in Molly (Renee Estevez, sister of EMILIO and Charlie Sheen) and getting a nice little teenage romance subplot as she and friendly cop's son Sean go through the gauntlet of teenage love.  Along the way, there's also a very interesting little monkey wrench in the form of slutty camp queen Ally (Valerie Hartman, who owns this role) who will remind you of the bitchy Judy from the original movie in how she provides a foil to Molly.  Yeah, it's a pretty paint-by-numbers plot.  In execution, it actually comes across moderately well.  But unlike the first flick, which was all about subtext and creep factor, this one is about the kill scenes and body count, and fortunately that's one aspect of Sleepaway Camp II that works really well.

The gist of it is this: this movie...has meta humor.  Now, meta humor is one of my least favorite horror tropes of recent years, as it seems like modern horror directors have gotten so hung up on being cute and funny that they forget horror movies are supposed to be creepy and scary.  This time around, Angela views herself as some kind of moral guardian who punishes the various campers for the usual slasher movie drugs and sex transgressions.  Now, this stuff isn't as clever as Simpson thinks it is, but the way that Springsteen performs these scenes - usually with a big happy smile on her face - makes this movie the cinematic equivalent of an Ultimate Warrior promo.  Yeah, it's insane.  But you can't take your eyes off of it.  It also helps that some of the scenes are legit cringe-inducing, so if you're a fan of acid deaths and plenty of red stuff, look no further.

So, does the movie work?  Yeah, more or less.  It's not scary in the least bit, but I don't think Simpson was trying to do that here, anyway.  It's entertaining when it needs to be, funny in decent doses, and even has a nice little teen story that frames the whole thing together.  Or something.  Nobody ever said I was a professional critic here.  But for a micro-budgeted, mostly direct-to-video sequel, you could certainly do a lot worse than what we got here.  Oh, and it's got one truly hilarious moment late in the game when the jock counselor is burnt to a crisp only for his mullet to remain on the blackened skeleton.  Great stuff.

*** out of ****.  You've really got to be a big fan of slasher flicks to appreciate this one, but if you like these movies, this one should be alright.  Give it a shot.

The Sixth Sense (1999)

1999
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan
Starring Bruce Willis, Haley Joel Osment, Toni Collette and Olivia Williams

Remember when M. Night Shyamalan didn't suck?  Pepperidge Farm remembers. (/overused joke)

I'm not going to get into this guy's decline over the past decade or so, mainly because it's a steady spiral of suck that continues to this day and one that I'm actually convinced that I'm responsible for.  Yes, me.  Personally.  Because after getting out of the theater from Signs, his third movie in a row with genuine surprises, scares and characters that popped right off the screen with likability, I told my friend at the time that this guy was the best director currently operating.  And that was the point when he lost the ability to, you know, be good.  So if you want to blame somebody for The Happening, look no further.  Or maybe I just wanted to watch the world burn.  Sometimes, I don't even know.

But that's where we're at now.  This was 1999.  By all accounts, a simpler time, back when Stone Cold and The Rock were the coolest dudes on television and Smash Mouth was the radio's favorite band.  Summer rolls along and this nifty little thriller comes along that shocks everyone by becoming the highest-grossing movie of the year not named Star Wars on a relatively low budget.  It features Bruce Willis working on the cheap, a whole smattering of good performances and a slow, slow, slow pace, baby.  So slow that Prince has written numerous songs about it, which is something that I totally didn't make up just now. 

Meet Malcolm Crowe, played by Bruce Willis in full-fledged actor mode as opposed to the guy who occasionally sleepwalks through action blockbusters.  The script wastes no time giving us a reason to stick around, as this guy - a child psychologist who has just received some sort of bigwig award - retreats back home to celebrate with his wife before being accosted by former patient Vincent Grey (Donnie Wahlberg).  A jabbering lunatic who has some sort of huge vendetta against the psychiatrist who couldn't save him, this scene does seem to carry on for a long while - but in the good way, as Vincent shoots his former doctor before killing himself.

Flash forward one year, as Malcolm and his wife are now coldly distant.  His confidence is shattered, and that's when he gets a new patient.  Cole Sear (Haley Joel Osment) is a 9-year-old kid whose condition is eerily similar to Vincent's.  The movie does a fantastic job framing both characters and their respective struggles; Malcolm sees this case as his way to get back in his wife's good graces, while Cole's social standing and peculiarities (now there's a word that I don't think I've ever used on the blog before - the AFOREMENTIONED guy would be proud) immediately pop out as something that goes deeper than what we see on the surface. 

The relationship between Malcolm and Cole is definitely what gets the most minutes, and for good reason, because the chemistry and the performances here are just top notch.  I'm notorious by the 10 or so people that read this blog for my dislike of kids in scary movies, but Osment truly went above and beyond the call of duty here to make Cole something more than just a "creepy kid."  He's nuanced and appropriately weird for a 9-year-old with a psychiatrist, but he's also likable and engaging.  I'll just go ahead and say it - he should have won the Best Supporting Actor award over Michael Caine that year.  But Willis isn't far behind.  Hell, EVERYBODY isn't, as we also get a top notch turn from Toni Collette as Cole's worried mother.  In addition to being hella hot (does anyone use the word "hella" anymore?  Probably not), she's also got a charisma that pops off the screen, and I don't think it was ever utilized better than it was here.

Now, it goes without saying that pretty much everyone reading this knows what the movie's big slam-bang surprise was.  Roughly halfway through the flick, we find out from Cole that the reason he's so scared all the time is because he sees Dead People.  If I remember correctly, it was even used in the movie's commercials.  But it can't be overstated just how skillfully Shyamalan set up this reveal all those years ago.  First, he set up the characters, with both Malcolm and Cole being given plenty of sympathy and personality.  We had ample reason to care about their struggles.  And then he sprung the movie's main plot device on us.  And that's when he started showing us some of the ghosts that haunt Cole on a daily basis, and since we had a reason to care, those scares were actually pretty damn effective.

Watching this movie today is almost a sad experience for that reason.  This was a guy at the absolute height of his powers weaving a web that he clearly understood how to weave, even if the big plot twist came from an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark?  This story unravels at such a slow speed, likely a little too slow for people that are used to the Michael Bay school of film-making that was just starting to sink its teeth into action-blockbuster cinema around this time, but it's that pace that makes every scene, ghost encounter and surprise feel more important.  It's also got a very clear, concisely told A-B character arc for Cole here as he learns that the curse that he lives with isn't so much of a curse, complete with a crime-solving finale that is almost stand-up-and-cheer worthy. 

I don't pass out this praise often, but The Sixth Sense is still a must-see movie, and one of those flicks where everything fires on all cylinders - the direction, the performances, the writing, name it, it's f**kin' great.  How does a guy go from this to some of the most universally reviled movies in history?  It really is a fascinating conundrum, maybe even a better one that every first-time viewer went through with this movie.  So...maybe M. Night Shyamalan's career is the ultimate twist ending?  Greatest director of all time confirmed.

**** out of ****.  Scary and powerful at the same time, this is just a movie that's worth checking out.

The Five Movies I Won't Watch at Night

Boring life and times of Jon Lickness...um, time.  Two weeks ago, I decided to splurge on an Xbox One after skipping an entire generation of consoles.  And upon unwrapping that bad boy and tearing in to Arkham Knight, I also immediately unearthed one of my favorite college pastimes - game on the big screen, laptop playing a movie.  Only now there's no South Park DVDs required.  There's something even better - soulless Netflix.  Because you can never absorb too much media at one time.

Anyway, I was looking for something to watch during that initial marathon session.  The "Top Picks" section of Netflix is always one of my first stops, and The Shining was one of the featured movies.  It's been something like three years since I've taken that flick in, so I push that virtual play button and get ready for some good creepy.  And that lasted roughly five minutes, as that soul-destroying musical score begins that opens the movie, bringing back all those painful childhood memories when this movie freakin' TRAUMATIZED me.  The epic conclusion to the story is that I shut the movie off because, yes, 32-year-old curmudgeonly single guy Jon Lickness was getting scared.  But only because it was dark out - I swear.  (/false machismo)

I've spoken before about how people watch horror movies for different reasons.  Mine has been the same since I was a kid - being scared is fun.  Especially in the dark.  Nothing in the world ever sounded more fun than telling scary storeis in the dark, and that's the reason why the kids on Are You Afraid of the Dark? seemed like the coolest kids on Earth.  It's why I continue to take in as many of these movies as I can.  That feeling is one of a kind, and it's something that can't be manufactured with anything else.  Being scared is fun.  It makes you feel alive.

While there are a good many horror movies that legit frightened me on the first watch, there is a very select few movies out there that, to this day, I won't watch by myself at night.  Even though I know every beat, every plot twist, and every kill scene.  The reasons are different for each of these, but...they exist.  So get prepared to read all about how much of a wuss I am as we explore these flicks in no particular order.

First and foremost is the aforementioned The Shining.  In my estimation, this is the single scariest movie of all time.  If you ask a hundred horror fans what the scariest movie they've ever seen is, a lot of them will tell you this or The Exorcist, but I think this blows Linda Blair out of the water.  Stanley Kubrick was a director who just know how to go balls-to-the-wall with what he wanted to accomplish here, and...Jesus.  The music, the atmosphere, Nicholson's performance, the epic weirdness, the woman in room 217, Shelley Duvall's amazing pained facial expressions, the slightly ambiguous ending.  It's also yet more proof that "closer to the book" does not equal "better."

From Stephen King we go to the other guy that I consider to be the absolute master of horror - Italian giallo maestro Dario Argento.  I've reviewed quite a few of his films here on the blog, but Suspiria is, was and will forever be his masterpiece.  Leaving gory murder mysteries behind and instead focusing on supernatural terror, this is Mario Bava on steroids in all of the best ways.  What gets most people about this flick is the brutal opening murder scene that lingers on and on and on during the victim's torment, but the reason I won't pop this bad boy in past 7:00 p.m. is the music and the color.  Lots of reds, greens and blues fuck with your retinas here...and that ending.  Yikes.

I've watched Lucio Fulci's House by the Cemetery three times now, and there's also no way that I'd ever brave watching this thing in the dark.  Weirdly enough, this isn't even the movie that most Fulci fans would rank as his best; most of them prefer City of the Living Dead or The Beyond, and while I highly enjoyed those, they can't hold a candle to the creep factor that this one boasts.  If I saw this movie as a KID, I can't imagine what this would have done to me.  This movie proudly features a child in mortal danger and facing a truly nightmarish situation - the monster in the basement, and it's done repeatedly.  And this kid isn't even annoying.

Most critics out there don't consider to be the first film version of Dean Koontz' Watchers to be anything special...but I dunno, I really like it.  This was one of my favorite movies when I was in grade school for a lot of different reasons, and as goofy as it is, it's still one that I don't like to think about after dark.  The concept of the Oxcom is something straight out of Rod Serling's imagination brought to life.  A violent beast follows a nonviolent one in an attempt to kill it, thus damning pretty much everyone that the virtuous creature meets to a violent death.  Combined with what this thing LOOKS like, even cool Corey Haim can't save it.

Which brings me to the only American slasher film on this list.  Now, slasher films are my comfort food - they're fun, but almost none of them frighten me.  I rented Sleepaway Camp back in 2006 due to the promise of getting some fun slasher action.  Amazingly, I knew NOTHING about the legendary ending that this flick has when I watched it that first time, sympathizing with the character of Angela like no other and laughing along at the movie's many corny jokes and moments.  And then that ending hits. 

Yeah.  Imagine listening to this movie on your headphones at 3:00 a.m. with THAT visual on your TV screen.  'Nuff said.  Not doing it again.

Anyway...those are the movies that actually make me feel trepidation when popping them in the ol' DVD player.  Anyone reading this care to share some of yours? 

Killer Legends (2014)

2014
Directed by Joshua Zeman
Starring Joshua Zeman and Rachel Mills

It's a first here on the blog - an Honest-to-Christ Documentary.  Not only that, it's pretty damn good!

Sometimes it's funny the things that you unearth on Netflix without even actively looking for it.  Killer Legends popped up in the "Recommended for You" section, and I've got to hand the automaton drones at this faceless company credit, because they picked out a good one.  The subject of urban legends has always been one that I've been fascinated by, dating all the way back to my childhood love for the "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" books and those amazing illustrations that used to haunt my nightmares.  A lot of the stories in those books could be classified as urban legends.  And then the movie came out, complete with one of the worst ending twists of all time.  Fortunately, Joshua Zeman is ALSO fascinated by this subject, and has rescued this stuff in perhaps the best way - telling us stuff that's real.

Real life is scarier than fiction 99 times out of 100, and this flick is living proof.  With that, the movie.

It's a documentary with a simple crux.  Take four legendary Urban...um...Legends, and tie them in with some creepy true crime stories of the past that may or may not have inspired the stories in the first place.  Writer-director Joshua Zeman is the main man in front of the camera, along with researcher Rachel Mills.  Both are immensely engaging and likable, and while they might be on screen a BIT too much, they don't hammer you over the head with their presence.  Presentation wise, it's kind of like Law and Order meets a slasher flick, and I mean that in the good way.

The story of the escaped mental patient with a hook for a hand is explored first.  Welcome to Texarkana, where a legendary serial murer spree took place in the 1940s that remains unsolved to this day.  It really was the classic "lovers' lane" murder scene brought to life, as a dude that the press dubbed the "Phantom Killer" attacked and killed several parking teenagers over a three-month period.  If these incidents sound familiar, there's a reason for it, as this was the basis for the 1976 Charles B. Pierce movie The Town That Dreaded Sundown.  Now THAT's a flick that I really need to get around to reviewing.  This segment consists of some very fascinating stuff, exploring both the murders and the town of Texarkana's to-this-day fascination with the murders and the film that made them famous.

Next up is the story of the Candyman, complete with sections of the 1992 masterpiece to remind us what we're dealing with.  This segment, however, is more concerned with some literal candy and the story involving children being handed razor-bladed or poisoned Halloween candy.  The narrative leads us to one of the most tragically evil things I've ever seen.  Ronald Clark O'Bryan's son turns up dead after eating a pixie stick, and a furor erupts when O'Bryan asserts that the candy was poisoned.  Well, it WAS poisoned...by O'Bryan himself, in a heinous insurance fraud plot.  This segment tells the true story masterfully, weaving the insightful comments from Zeman and Mills in seamlessly with archival footage of the O'Bryan trial and interviews before his execution.  Electric stuff all around.

The creep factor turns up another notch with the next story - the Babysitter Killer.  Once again, film footage lulls us into the narrative, with stuff from When a Stranger Calls, Halloween and Black Christmas setting the mood.  Zeman and Mills then travel to a small Missouri town where two unsolved rape-murders took place in the 1950s.  Both involved babysitters, and both were absolutely brutal.  We get an autopsy photograph of one of the victims that will stick out in your mind after you turn out the lights.  We DO get some social commentary here, as the fact that both victims' deaths were blamed on a pair of African-American criminals who were most likely innocent of the murders is explored.  This did take me out of the movie a little bit, but it's a minor complaint.  Another winner.

And then we get the most fashionable nightmare fuel this side of the zombies that I'm still sick to death of.  Ladies and gentlemen, creepy clowns.  I wasn't even aware that there is a story circulating in the Chicago area that there is a gang of clowns abducting children.  Now I do, and now I'm terrified.  As opposed to focusing on any one particular story, we get several tracing the journey of the clown from happy-go-lucky Three Stooges clone to something with an actual phobia name.  Bozo the Clown's haunted TV set and John Wayne Gacy are explored in depth, but the story that really hits a home run is the tragic tale of Showmen's Rest, the final resting place of many clowns and circus performers who burned to death after a train accident.  One word can describe that idea: BRRRRRRRRR.

It's been a while since I've seen a scary film that made me type out such a prolonged praise dump.  I never would've dreamed that it would come from a documentary.  Zeman deserves a ton of credit for his approach to this material; in the hands of a lesser director, it really could have read like a boring history lesson.  But the presentation, the hosting, the investigation and most especially the choice of chilling background music makes for some extremely riveting, scary stuff.  The standouts are the story of Ronald Clark O'Bryan and the visit to Showmen's Rest, but you'd be really hard-pressed to find much in Killer Legends that will bore you.  And if you watch it at night like I did, it'll scare the daylights out of you.

*** 1/2 out of ****.  Highly recommended for people who like some true-life with their scary stuff.  Hell, I'll recommend it even if you don't.

The Prophecy (1995)

1995
Directed by Gregory Widen
Starring Christopher Walken, Elias Koteas, Virginia Madsen, Eric Stoltz and Viggo Mortensen

Alright, kids, it's time to take another AVGN-style trip back to the past.  The Prophecy was a movie that got a fair amount of hype back in 1995.  It was a Miramax movie, and the Weinstein bribe-the-press factor was in full force for this one.  The advance raves were pretty...uh, ravey, with critcs by and large treating this WAY better than your average fantasy-horror film.  And it had Christopher Walken in one of his legendary Saturday Night Live hosting gigs to promote it.  If I remember correctly, it was even a season opener.  So this movie's name was definitely out there.

To be sure, it's a very well put-together little flick with an enormously appealing main hook: former seminary student who loses his faith finds himself in the middle of a modern-day war between the angels in heaven, with the fate of humanity at stake.  It's also got an amazing cast of actors (seriously, look at that list above - it's got Christopher Walken, Virginia Madsen, Casey Jones, Brundlefly II and Viggo Mortensen when he's not being a douchebag) all of which do anything but sleepwalk and give this material every ounce of emotion that they could muster.  Ordinarily, I'd be all over this sort of thing.  Thus, it's kind of a mystery why this one fell a little flat with me.  Or maybe I just need to stop watching movies on Friday morning after I've been through an entire work week on something like 12 combined hours of sleep.

Actually, I CAN pin the blame on one thing.  This movie takes a LONG time to get going.  Something like 45 minutes into the movie, it still felt like it was setting everything up.  Secondly, it's got a SLOW pace.  And when I say slow, I mean SLOOOOWWWWW.  That can be great when you're dealing with a movie that has sporadic bits that are really scary.  While there are parts of The Prophecy that are definitely tense, it's not going to make you piss yourself in terror.  So two strikes there. 

While Walken's name is the first on the marquee, it's Elias Koteas who is your star here.  The opening gives us a ceremony inducting two young men into the Priesthood.  Thomas Dagget, Koteas' character, can't bring himself to go through with it after seeing horrific visions on the altar.  Flash forward several years, where Dagget is now a detective with the LAPD who finds himself investigating a series of bizarre, mutilated, supernatural f**ked up dead bodies, many of whom are affected in some way by angels.

Angels, you ask?  Why yes.  Angels.  The first of these we meet is Simon, with Eric Stoltz in full Pulp Fiction hippie mode.  We start to get the basis for the conflict between the angels.  It seems that one faction, led by the ever-so-gaunt and ever-so-influential Gabriel (Walken), were none too happy about God's (capitalized because it's God, bitches) decision to give human beings souls, leading to some very unsightly heavenly congestion.  Simon, however, continues to serve obediently.  The main crux of the storyline involves finding the dead body of a sadistic Korean War veteran, with Simon hiding this guy's soul in the body of a little girl while Gabriel needs to possess the soul himself to increase his power on the Earth realm.

Speaking of Gabriel, yup, it's Christopher Walken in full-on villain mode.  As always, he's awesome, with his start-stop vocal delivery and impeccable physical mannerisms owning this role every time he's onscreen - which, actually, isn't very much.  I'd say he's far less featured than Koteas, Stoltz and Virginia Madsen's characters, with the freakin' little girl who plays "hide the soul" also getting a fair amount of camera time.  This would be another strike against the movie, as it seems like The Prophecy suffers a little from "too much going on" syndrome.  Proof?  I haven't even mentioned Madsen's character yet, a teacher who contributes very little to the plot other than befriending the girl who is now in hiding from Gabriel.  Or Adam Goldberg as a suicidal loser who Walken recruits to help him out in his mission.

Now, the movie DOES pick up when Mortensen shows up as a surprisingly helpful Satan, with Koteas also suddenly becoming a lot more important to the goings-on.  I actually wish that the movie had focused a bit MORE on Thomas Dagget; it's a very sympathetic and fascinating character, and I'm always a big sucker for the "recovering faith" plot in movies like this.  I don't know.  As big of a fan as I am of Virginia Madsen, I'd say that her screen time could have easily gone to Koteas here and nobody would have really noticed.  But I'm getting off track.  The third act, with the s**t hitting the fan and Gabriel's army causing all sorts of chaos.  But boy, is it a long build to get there.

This is definitely a strange movie, one that I can actually commend Gregory Widen for his ability to take on such a huge subject.  It's not the most coherent story in the world; at times, it's pretty damn confusing and we're left to kind of guess what's going on.  When it's on, it's on, and that would be anytime Walken is onscreen pontificating on the nature of human beings (or "THE MONKEYS" as he refers to them) or the sporadic fights between the angels that lead to severely mutilated bodies.  Unfortunately, though...that build.  That meandering, meandering build.  If you're sleepy, watch the first half of this movie, because it's guaranteed Zquil.

** 1/2 out of ****.  I'd recommend it for a watch if you're into more religious-themed horror like I am, or if you're a big fan of Christopher Walken.  But this one leaves a LOT of its amazing potential on the table, and that's kind of depressing.

Ghostbusters (1984)

1984
Directed by Ivan Reitman
Starring Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Sigourney Weaver, Harold Ramis, Rick Moranis and Ernie Hudson

Yeah, yeah, I know.  It's not a horror movie, yada yada yada.  But I'm reviewing it anyway, because (a) it's got more legit frightening things in it than a lot of horror flicks that I HAVE seen, and (2) it's my blog and it has 7 followers.

Well, maybe you've seen it and maybe you haven't, but the trailer for the upcoming Ghostbusters remake is out there.  To put it bluntly, yeah, it hasn't gone over very well.  The negative fan reaction has been both passionate and hilarious, and the official trailer video itself has more dislikes than likes.  And there's no point in dilly-dallying around it: it's justified, because the movie looks f**kin' atrocious.  All the charm - gone.  All the intelligence - gone.  All the sense of fear and dread - gone, and then some.  That, and it looks like Leslie Jones is simply going to be screaming all of her lines.  The whole trailer makes the movie look like a sledgehammer to the head, and it's a sledgehammer that's nowhere near as much fun as one that Triple H would wield (/tomatoes).

Enough about that.  Since fans are so upset about the way that this movie looks, it clearly must mean that the original movie is beloved.  Well, it is, and for good reason.  1984, a prime original cast Saturday Night Live group of cutups, fantastic handmade special effects, enough quotable lines to choke a donkey, it's awesome.  See that poster above?  Simple, classic, and utterly effective, as the hype that this movie had in the buildup to its release built to a fever pitch.  The result?  A $250 million box office gross on a $30 million budget, a place in the National Film Registry, and getting the 2016 Paul Feig bastardized remake treatment.  So what works so well in this movie?  Let's take a look.

Meet misfit parapsychologists Peter Venkman (Murray), Ray Stantz (Aykroyd) and Egon Spengler (Ramis).  Each of them has an instantly recognizable personality that fit their actors like a glove.  You'd guess that Murray would be the wiseass, Aykroyd is the deadpan scientist, and Ramis is the eccentric nerd, and you would be correct on all counts.  Each of the main three is awesome here, but Murray particularly devastes, especially in that classic opening scene with his character where he conducts an ESP experiment that consists of him shocking the hell out of a poor sap while doing his best to weasel a date out of the other test subject.  It's one of at least 10 classic comedic sequences contained in Ghostbusters, and it's all built around the characters and their intelligence.  If you're in the mood to laugh, look no further than this flick.

After capturing video (and some ectoplasmic slime, which Venkman eloquently states is like blowing your nose and keeping it) of a ghost at the New York Public Library, the guys summarily lose their University grants and are forced to take their knowledge and skills into the real world.  But Venkman has a plan - they've collected enough data to be able to actually trap ghosts.  His idea - professional ghost eliminations, and a potential massive franchising opportunity. 

The movie turns into loads of fun in a hurry.  Staking their headquarters in an abandoned firehouse, the movie starts hitting its marks fast and furious.  The first elimination is an ungodly sequence in an expensive hotel with a legendary ghost based on John Belushi himself.  They use weaponized nuclear blasters to stun and trap the ghosts, traveling around town in a beat-up hearse vehicle complete with an overloud siren.  Kids in particular just seemed to really connect with this aspect of the film, as this job looked like all kinds of fun to...well, pretty much anyone in my age bracket.  Yeah, I had the toys.  More than a few of them, in fact. 

That's the basics, but it's in the particulars where Ghostbusters really shines.  Underneath the frenetic action and comedy stuff with the Ghostbusters going about their job, there's also a fantastic overarching plot.  Dana Barrett (Sigourney Weaver, aces here as always) is experiencing all kinds of trouble in her Central Park West apartment.  It starts out showing us very little - brief glimpses of bizarre dog-like demons in her refrigerator of all places.  Dana becomes the team's first client and a romantic interest for Venkman, and also the beneficiary of the movie's most scary sequences. 

Now, the ghost librarian in the intro scenes scared me enough as a kid, but those demon dogs...yikes.  They haunted my nightmares.  Watching this flick today is a wistful experience for that reason, as it hearkens back to the times when a big-budget action-comedy like this also wasn't afraid to do things that might, you know, scare people.  Especially kids.  Despite my own frightened states, I popped this VHS tape in the VCR something like 100 times as a kid.  As the incidents pile up, Ray and Egon are able to research Dana's building and find out that it was built as a vortex to summon an evil deity known as Gozer into the modern world.  The purpose?  The end of the world, and it all goes down soon.  Along with recent recruit Winston Zeddemore (Ernie Hudson, who does a great job as the guy who explains the Ghostbusters' techno-jargon to the layman audience), it all builds to a final showdown at the top of this Gothic skyscraper with the scariest androgynous demon chick in cinematic history.

There's so many classic touches in this flick that it's hard to list them all.  Dana has a nerdy neighbor played by Rick Moranis who might be one of the five or six funniest characters in movie history, an accountant named Louis Tully who blathers on endlessly about the money that he saves by inviting strictly clients to a party and using it as a tax write-off.  We get a fantastic little story of misplaced identity when Gozer's demonic minions possess both Dana and Louis, leading to stuff that's simultaneously disturbing and comedic.  And then there's the slimy human villain, an EPA bureaucrat played by the pest-like William Atherton.  This dude is like WWE's Hornswoggle times a thousand; he's oh-so-hateable, and it's great.

Really, the whole movie is great.  At the end of the day, it's also a textbook example of classic three-act structure, with the added bonus of having immensely likable characters, funny jokes and thrilling action stuff.  Oh, and it's got stuff that will scare the bejeebers out of kids, but do it in a way that keeps them coming back for more.  There were a ton of really talented people involved in the making of this movie, and director Ivan Reitman claims that roughly halfway through filming, he realized they were in the midst of something special.  That confidence is apparent throughout the entire running time, because Ghostbusters devastates like an unlicensed nuclear accelerator.

**** out of ****.  One of my ten favorite movies of all time, and a certified classic with loads of soul and edge.  Check this one out.