"Leprechaun 2" - Alternate Tagline "One Wedding and LOTS of Funerals!"

Back in the day of the horror franchise reviews (and believe me, every time I type those words, I shudder), I got a few requests to cover the Leprechaun series.  I never did, partially because they just didn't interest me that much, and partly because some of the horror stories that I'd heard about them weren't of the good variety.  I'll never forget these sage words of wisdom from one of my fellow posters on the old Wrestlecrap message board:  "Oh man, the first Leprechaun is like a one-star affair.  You'd have to go into NEGATIVE star territory for the rest of the godforsaken things."

The dude wasn't lying.  Having now witnessed the first two filmsi n the franchise, man, the law of diminishing returns sure does kick in mighty fast in this series about an evil fantasy creature who really, really likes his gold.  While I didn't particularly care for the first movie, it was at least passable at points and contained a couple decent supporting performances.  Compared to the movie in question today, it's Citizen Kane.

Released roughly 15 months after its predecessor, Leprechaun 2 was the last movie in the franchise to be released in theaters.  Understandable, since it was nowhere near as profitable as the first film - it made a little over $2.3 million at the box office on a budget of $2 million.  There really isn't that much else to say about this flick from an informational standpoint - I don't know the director or any cast members besides Warwick Davis as the Leprechaun himself and Clint Howard in a very brief cameo as a tourist.  I'm not sure that it's entirely worth spending five minutes scouring Google for more dirt, either.

THE MOVIE!!

Did you know that every thousand years, a Leprechaun can claim any woman he wants as his bride on Saint Patrick's Day?  Well, according to the universe of these films, he can.  That's the introductory segment we get in this flick, as the Leprechaun chases down his loyal slave William O'Day and informs him of his marital intentions.  And...ugh. 

Maybe it's apparent, maybe it isn't, but the thing that I HATE doing in these reviews more than anything else is explaining the rules of fictional universes, particularly when these universes are as banal as this one.  Christ, my reviews are long enough already without having to recap barely significant crap like this just so that the story kinda-sorta makes sense - you'd think these film-makers could make these freakin' things easy once and a while.  *Takes breath*  Okay, so the Leprechaun can marry any woman he wants who sneezes three times, so long as nobody utters the words "God bless you" during this holy process.  Lo and behold, the woman he has chosen is O'Day's own daughter...and lo and behold, O'Day's conscience wins out as he saves his daughter at his own expense.  The Leprechaun kills his slave in retaliation, utilizing his Jedi-like powers to choke the dude to death with his VERY MIND. 

End introductory segment.

With that, we warp forward 1000 years to good ol' Saint Patty's Day in modern Los Angeles.  And man, you have not seen sad until you've met the stellar cast that we're about to be introduced to.  In a plot move that will surprise no one, Bridget Callum (Shevonne Durkin) is our main character, a teenage girl and descendent of the O'Day family living in modern Los Angeles.  I'd say more about her, but this would imply that she is something more than a talking skeleton.  Her boyfriend is Cody (Charlie Heath), who along with his uncle Morty (Sandy Baron) run a scammy "dark side of Hollywood" tour in the great, grand City of Angels.  We see this amazing operation in excruciating detail throughout the early goings of Leprechaun 2, consisting of driving around suburban neighborhoods while large Africa-American occupants douse the car with water.  If you want an endurance test of just how much tedium a human being can take, these segments of the film make a damn fine one.

Soon enough, Warwick Davis himself appears to barely rescue the film, emerging from a tree and immediately ripping the gold tooth out of some homeless bum's mouth.  Hey, he really likes gold.  If nothing else, I once again have to give it up for Davis - he singlehandedly saves this movie from getting the dreaded NO STAR treatment.  No matter how bad the material, he acts like it's important.  What a trooper.  Utilizing his ever-changing magical powers, he homes in on Bridget's location and commences Operation Nail the Blonde.  Because Leprechauns need nookie too, ya know.

At her house, Bridget is being accosted by Ian (Adam Biesk), a worker at a Go-Kart track that she and Cody had been planning on going to (he had to ditch her to run a tour, an event that is supposed to create all kinds of relationship drama but really just bored me to tears even further).  After striking out miserably, we get death scene #1, and to be fair, it's pretty damn cringeworthy.  For starters, Bridget appears in the garage of her house, beckoning Ian back to cocktease-land.  Only this time, she's not just teasing, as she takes off her shirt and exposes her body double's breasts.  As far as the illusions that the murderous imp conjures up, this one is something else, as mock Bridget's breasts are really LAWNMOWER BLADES.  And, as he leans in to kiss them...OUCH.  You know what they say, kids - if a hot chick attempts to lure you into her house with the promise of sex, she's probably just a leprechaun's fantastical murdering device.  Or something.

Having gotten sick of his uncle's bullshit games, Cody shows up at Bridget's house, very apologetic and wielding flowers.  With very little intrigue, Bridget quickly sneezes three times, and before Cody can say the magic soul-saving words, the Leprechaun himself appears and knocks our hero out cold.  This series isn't very big on intrigue, if you haven't figured it out.  With very little fanfare, the Leprechaun claims Bridget as his bride and absconds to his (actually somewhat cool) underground lair, where we get yet another tedious rule - apparently, Leprechauns can only screw if all of their gold is present.  Yeah.  Since one of his gold coins was dropped in the struggle with Bridget, that sets the rest of our plot back in motion - and believe it or not, we're only halfway done with the movie at this point.

*SIGH*

So Cody - wielding the missing gold shilling - is now a fugitive, as the cops have shown up at Bridget's household and discovered Ian's body along with a note from Cody.  He and Morty are soon chased out of their own house by the Leprechaun, now in full-on murderous "I WANT ME GOLD!" mode.  They go to a bar, where of course tons of little people dressed as leprechauns are out and about celebrating the holiday.  It's here where we get one of the only decent sequences in the film, as super con man Morty challenges the Leprechaun to a drinking contest, switching out his own drinks with soda water while Davis does his damndest "drunk" impersonation.  It elicited a chuckle or two from me, anyway.

Right after this, we get a scene in a coffee shop where the Leprechaun sobers up.  Oh, and the waiter in this little sidebar is played by Michael McDonald, the man best known as Stuart from MadTV as well as approximately 14,000 other characters.  In my humble opinion, the dude is quite the comedian and a decent actor to boot, and he makes the most of his 90 seconds of screen time in Leprechaun 2 - even when he's getting stabbed in the hands and having hot steam blown on his face.

Alright, time for a bit of back story setting up the third act of this movie.  Earlier in the flick, Cody had been arrested for running a red light while running the dark side tour.  While in jail, the very same homeless bum who had first seen the Leprechaun was there for an unrelated reason, saying that he saw a creature emerge from a tree at Houdini's ruins on the outskirts of Los Angeles.  Convenient, eh, that our heroes know EXACTLY where the villain's lair is?  I also should have pointed out that the Leprechaun's weakness is different for this go-round - this time, anything wrought iron is his kryptonite, leading Cody and Morty to attempt to retrieve a giant wrought-iron safe from the Go-Kart track.  Because that's what they should be spending their time doing.

This does, however, lead to Morty's death scene in one of those moronic tributes to the ol' "Monkey's Paw" story.  Cody is able to trap the Leprechaun in the safe, at which point Morty gets greedy, locking his nephew in a store room and milking the beast for three wishes.  I won't recount the entire story, but the sequence ends with the Leprechaun freed and Morty's stomach cut open as he lays in a pool of his own blood.  Another life lesson from Leprechaun 2: if a Leprechaun grants you three wishes, don't be a dumbass and realize that he's probably going to do something extremely devious.

Time to wrap this up.  Cody breaks out of the storeroom, and we get our ending sequence back in the underground lair, complete with the heartwarming reunion between Cody and Bridget - which I might have cared a lot more about had they had more than five minutes of screen time together before this.  There's this LONG, very Nightmare on Elm Street-esque process where the two lovebirds attempt to find their way out of the lair, only to find themselves back where they started time and time again.  Cody finally agrees to give the Leprechaun the coin in exchange the coin for Bridget after she turns on the charm and smooches him.

Surprise, surprise - Bridget was really the Leprechaun!  He makes off with his gold and his bride, ready to bring Bridget to a fate worse than death when Cody suddenly rises up and shoves an iron crowbar through his chest.  See, earlier in the movie, one of the dwarves at the bar had given him a gold coin made of milk chocolate, and in a Vince Russo-like swerve, that was what he had given the Leprechaun, thus making him still invulnerable to the Leprechaun's holy powers.  And...that's pretty much it, folks - the Leprechaun explodes, Cody and Bridget escape the lair and declare their love, happy times for all.  And I can go on back to being a sane person.

FINAL ANALYSIS: Sitting down to watch this movie, I expected it to be bad - but nothing could have prepared me for the levels of suckitude that Leprechaun 2 manages to reach.  The characters are terrible.  The acting, with the exception of Davis and McDonald's all-too-brief cameo, is atrocious.  The story defies to make any amount of sense.  And...it ain't scary.  In the least bit.  Two movies into this series, and I've already lost the will to live.  1/2 * out of ****.