It doesn't stop there. Going to all of the latest horror releases at the multiplex used to be practically a requirement for yours truly. No matter the genre - ghost stories, found footage films, modern-day slashers, remakes - I would eat them up. September and October, in particular, were circled on the calendar months in advance as the time when Hollywood unrolled its latest batch of big-time horror offerings to placate all of us Halloween-induced fanatics. And it didn't feel like a job. This is very noteworthy considering that Friday night is my designated "movie night," a move that resulted in a "20 hours without sleep" me struggling - and actually managing - to stay awake in a movie theater.
It's been a long, slow process, but I'm not the horror guru I used to be. There was a time when I would regularly check out websites like Dread Central and Bloody Disgusting for the latest release dates, trailers, rumors etc., all with the express goal of getting the good, nasty details on upcoming horror movies with the end goal of being an informed theater viewer. Those days, it seems, are long gone, and when I think about the timeframe that this attitudanal switch took place, I can pinpoint pretty accurately what it was. So allow me to come back full circle from that first paragraph and say that I really miss the Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger of my youth.
Horror is a very vast genre consisting of many varied and defined subgenres. If you like to be scared and you've got a decent stomach, odds are that pretty much ANYONE can find something in the horror genre that they will enjoy, from over-the-top splatterfests to realistic films about serial killers. I don't think that many people would disagree, however, with the statement that the horror movie really has an unholy trinity of modern villains as its singular God. There's the father (Michael), the son (Jason) and the unholy ghost (Freddy). These three have come to define the scary flick for myself and two generations of horror fans, much like Dracula, Frankenstein and the Wolf Man defined it for past generations, and the fact that it has been more than three years since any of these three legendary characters have graced our theater screens is very troubling to me.
A very good online friend of mine once put what has happened to these horror icons in professional wrestling terminology. If he's reading this, hopefully he doesn't mind me outright stealing his point - suffice to say, it's perfect. All three of the AFOREMENTIONED characters have been recreated and reimagined in the past decade in remake form, and all three reimaginings (while varying in quality) have one similar characteristic. Instead of simply updating the familiar story for today with modern characters but similar styles and execution, these films have devalued their aces in the hole with stylistic shifts, changes just for the sake of change, and some truly head-scratching creative decisions. Here's where the wrestling metaphor comes in. Watching these films is like watching a wrestling company take its main event stars and continually job them out and/or put them in wacky, contradictory storylines, effectively killing off the drawing power of the chief reason why the fans pay their money to see the product in the first place.
Your opinion might vary, but the fact that only the redone Halloween universe made it to a second film (and depending on who you believe, the only reason that The Sequel That Shall Not Be Named even came to fruition was because Rob Zombie felt like making a 97-minute "fuck you" to critics of his first film) is very telling. If there was demand for more of them, Michael Bay and his goons would see to it that they would exist, believe me. My online buddy was right. 42 months after the release of the last film featuring any of these characters (the 2010 Platinum Dunes Nightmare remake), nobody is talking about them. And that makes the Lick Ness Monster a very sad panda.
But fear not, citizens. Nothing is beyond saving. Since this is October and we're trying to keep it positive, here's a guide for how we can bring these horror luminaries back to the forefront where they belong. Consider it "horror booking for dummies."
1. JASON VOORHEES
First things first - I don't think the 2009 F13 reboot is terrible. Having said that, it's not that good, either. For me, the true staples of the Friday the 13th series are fun, quirky victim characters and cool kills, and I think this movie failed to deliver in a big way in both of these departments. Instead of yet another reboot, what Jason Voorhees needs at this point is the one thing that the series has always prided itself on - reinvention while also being comforting and familiar. The movies started off being serious and scary and later morphed into being completely batshit "so bad it's good" entertaining, and I think it would be loads of fun to see a movie that goes back to basics and tries to be both. My answer? Jason Takes Christmas, with a group of teens spending the holiday at a cabin near Camp Crystal Lake only to run into the most uncheerful holiday spirit anyone has ever seen. It sets the action back in the familiar confines of the series instead of, you know, outer space, yet the very simple aesthetic shift of different weather conditions and the Christmas setting adds an entirely new dynamic to the story. Not to mention weapons (think pick axes, ice skate blades and tree toppers). One of my real-life friends once complained that this would mean losing the series' much-loved gratuitous nudity dynamic, but I respectfully disagree. How hard would it be for a couple of the more amorous teens to find a hot tub?
2. FREDDY KRUEGER
The Platinum Dunes Nightmare film did many things wrong, chief among them the harebrained move of making it seem for the majority of the film as though Freddy was FRAMED for the horrific crimes that got him summarily torched and turned into a dream demon. It also didn't help that the victim characters (and Rooney Mara in particular) showed about as much raw charisma as Jessica Alba on sedatives. This series was at its best when Freddy Krueger struck a good balance between schlock and slasher, exemplified best by Dream Warriors, the insanely popular third film. The template is there. Why not use it? Thus, this would be a different take on the Nightmare on Elm Street origin, starting the next film in the midst of a brutal string of mysterious suicides instead of the usual Freddy-Nancy story. Of course, these deaths would be the handiwork of the familiar guy in the red-and-black striped sweater. It would be a good idea to amp up both his manicness (but not to an over-the-top degree) and his power in this film, as he has two very determined and very charismatic final girls to contend with who make it their mission to rally the remaining teens to victory - Kristen Parker and Alice Johnson. Throw in a few interesting quirks for the remaining teens, some hard-hitting deaths, and this guy as Freddy and you've got a real winner with some solid sequel potential.
3. MICHAEL MYERS
This is perhaps the tallest order of all. Folks, the damage done to the character of Michael Myers in Rob Zombie's films is just simply mind-boggling, as the dreadlocked rocker took a character who was "the shape of evil" and humanized him. We spend almost 45 minutes with the unmasked, talking child version of Michael in the first movie, a move that takes away every bit of mystique and sense of danger that the guy in the Shatner mask possessed in the Carpenter-helmed originals. Still, it could be done. In this case, I don't think it could be anything less than yet another complete reboot, as the latter movies in the original series are also decidedly character-killing in their own regard. The best way to accomplish this would be to set the entire film in modern-day Haddonfield, Illinois, starting with Laurie Strode (who in this version is NOT introduced with a ridiculous series of vulgar jokes) going about her daily routine and eventually arriving at young Tommy's house to babysit. Commence series of killings, and introduce Sam Loomis midway through the movie. This way, Michael's past survives only in legend and in second-hand retelling by Loomis, restoring the mystique of Myers while also presenting the material in a slightly different manner. Another wise move would be to make Laurie's friends something other than completely detestable, F-bomb-spewing catty bitches who we actually, you know, DON'T want to see wind up chopped into bitty bits.
Ordinarily, this is where I would throw a summary paragraph in to wrap this little diatribe into a bow, but that's not the case this time, as much like New Beginning Tommy Jarvis I've got nothing to say. The above are my ideas to give these horror movie main eventers the push they deserve, and if anyone in Hollywood wants to use them they are welcome to do so free of charge.
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