Folks, the horror genre is all about holidays. New Year's Evils, Valentine's Day Massacres, the whole Halloween...thing. Even Thanksgiving has a gigantic killer turkey dude in a movie that, amazingly enough, has a huge anti-drug message. And the name of that masterpiece is Blood Freak, which was reviewed in a little write-up called "Horror Movie Reviews: The Fun-Sized Edition" by this guy, and it's all right here on the Lick Ness Monster blog! [/shameless self promotion) But of all the holidays out there, I dare say that none has MORE horror movies devoted to it than the one that we're just days away from kicking off.
I don't know what it is about Christmas, but it just lends itself so well to scary stories. And so many VARIED horror stories. Christmas has slasher flicks, ghost movies, straight-up schlofkests and even a few anthology pieces to its name. Couple these movies together with twinkling nights and the very natural horror that goes with family gatherings and it's easy to see why there are something like 17 new Christmas-themed horror flicks that pop up on store shelves and online lists every year. I own something like 10 myself. In my entire horror DVD collection, I think that total is surpassed only by the number of times that I have purchased the Friday the 13th series, which currently stands at three. Kids, you don't want to turn out to be me.
But enough waxing. This Christmas, if you get tired of watching that annoying brat wishing so desperately for his BB gun and all the superfluous crap that happens in between, track down these five flicks and pop 'em in the ol' DVD player because they're guaranteed to liven up any office party or family gathering.
(1) Gremlins (1984)
The first movie that I remember watching, this is one of those rare movies that manages to achieve near perfection with everything that it's trying to accomplish. Big budget, big stars and the biggest producer who ever lived in Steven Spielberg are all on display here as Billy Peltzer is given a cute, furry and mysterious pet for Christmas and promptly breaks all the rules of handling it, leading to all kinds of chaos as a horde of gremlins invades this idyllic little town. Stripe, the leader of the gremlins, is just pure badass personified and a creature that has TONS of personality for an inanimate puppet. Really, though, everything about this flick works. Absolutely chock full of classic characters and scenes (love that gremlin in the microwave!), and a genuinely HILARIOUS script make this one of the most entertaining movies of all time. Plus, how can you not love any movie with Phoebe Cates AND Dick Miller?
(2) Black Christmas (1974)
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for everyone's favorite segment: LICK NESS MONSTER OGLES THE WOMEN OF HORROR FILM HISTORY. This week's subect: Olivia Hussey. She's always been a great actress, but she is also insanely hot and this did not change in later years in things like the Mel Gibson Hamlet and as Norman Bates' mother in Psycho IV. Here, she's the leader of a group of sorority sisters who find themselves trapped and terrorized by a killer with an insanely awesome telephone voice over the Christmas holiday break. Olivia alone is reason enough to check this out, but it's also a lesson in horror film history. There are a lot of people who actually consider this to be the FIRST slasher film in existence. Having said all this, stay miles away from the godawful 2006 remake. I don't know how you make a movie with Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Katie Cassidy, Lacey Chabert and Harriet the Spy suck, but they did it.
(3) Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
I don't know if it's fair to call this flick a "dark horse" candidate for a list like this since so many horror fans are familiar with it. But Silent Night, Deadly Night is a film that everyone should check out at least once in their life. Gloriously low budget and delightfully sleazy, this is the tender, tragic saga of Billy Chapman, troubled orphan who once witnessed his parents being killed by a killer dressed up as Santa Claus. He is then raised in a convent and grows up to have a seething hatred for all things Christmas. The cherry on top? His job as a toy-store Santa Claus. Oh, the irony. This movie definitely ain't high art, and it might not even be technically a "good" movie, but it's a must-see for just how earnest they were with this material and how INTO the role Robert Wilson was as Billy. Also, check out the sequel. Why? It has this.
(4) Tales From the Crypt (1972)
Everyone in my age bracket knows about the awesome TV series of the same name that dominated HBO airwaves in the '90s. One of my favorite episodes of that series was "And All Through the House," the story of a housewife who murders her husband on Christmas Eve only to be stalked and terrorized by an escaped mental patient in a Santa costume. Little did I realize at the time that this was actually the SECOND time this particular story had been filmed. Amicus Productions' Tales From the Crypt anthology flick features "And All Through the House" as the second of its five segments, and I actually consider it BETTER than the TV episode. Joan Collins is simply aces as the murderous wife and mother who desperately cordons herself off from the killer. In addition, the segment boasts really effective use of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" and a final twist that's simply horrifying. Fun for the whole family!
(5) Santa's Slay (2005)
Every list of great Christmas horror movies needs to have one intentionally awful film on it, and I can think of no better example than this cinematic masterwork from 2005. I remember seeing this beauty on video store shelves when I was in college, slightly stunned that EVERY SINGLE COPY was checked out and wondering what all the fuss was. Then I rented it, and something like 150 minutes later myself and a small group of friends all had huge smiles on our faces. The reason it took that long to watch? We kept rewinding various bits to laugh. The story here is simply legendary. You know Santa, the big guy you all love? Well, he's actually been forced to be good for all these years after losing a curling match bet to an angel. Only now he's free to kill again. And Evil Santa is played by WCW/WWE wrestler Bill Goldberg. Sound like fun? Believe me, they top everything you would expect.
Well, if you're a longtime reader of this here blog, you all know that I'm not one for poignant wrap-up paragraphs after lists like this one. This one isn't going to be any different. So Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Delightful Life Day...whatever, just have a happy horror season. See you all in 2017!
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