My Five Favorite Horror Movie Babes

Lately, I've been throwing something into almost every review that has been met with rabid applause by all three people that read these reviews: The Skeevy Paragraph.  Generally speaking, it goes like this - I'm going through my routine, in the opening "describe the characters" section of the review when we get to a really, really Hot Girl.  Said mention is then followed by me utilizing the proverbial "record scratch" keyboard equivalent, putting everything else in the review on hold, and throwing out five or six sentences where I do nothing but fawn over said Hot Girl.  Some observers might say that this is sexist, but then again, nobody reads these things anyway.  All kidding aside, this paragraph is just done in good fun, something that just kind of happened to hit me a few months back as I seek to at least try to keep these reviews fresh.  Because...Christ, I've done almost 300 of them!  So give me a break, people.

However, this does not mean that the Lick Ness Monster doesn't appreciate an attractive female onscreen.  Far from it.  So, I'm just going to dedicate an entire post to the women of horror movie history, and what a genre this is if you're into such a thing.  There's no other type of movie that proudly features as many beautiful women as the horror genre.  Usually in various stages of undress, even.  So, with that, it's COUNTDOWN TIME.

Note that this isn't necessarily purely and simply my picks for the five most physically attractive women in horror movie history.  I tend to have a soft spot for people who stick around and play roles in a LOT of horror movies.  Ditto for people who are able to actually act, because that's the sexiest thing of all.  Having said that, if you're into hot women who have done their fair share of gratuitous nudity, you also won't be disappointed.

Cue the Cinemax After Dark muted trumpets...

5.  JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

In the words of 311, I've said it before and I'll say it once more - it's an absolute shame that Love didn't do more horror movies, because she truly could have been that generation's Jamie Lee Curtis.  The only reason she isn't #1 on my list is because she called it quits after the two I Know What You Did Last Summer movies, but those were more than enough to tide me over and make me a fan for life.  Jennifer just had it all - she could scream, she was likable, she could act, and she was gorgeous.  Imagine, say, a Halloween remake in 1998 instead of H20 and everything that came after with Hewitt as Laurie Strode.  Now that's money.  Now, she's still pretty damn hot these days, so maybe it's not too late.  Maybe a Dream Warriors redux with her in the Heather Langenkamp role?  One can only hope.

4.  PAMELA FRANKLIN

A veteran of a whole slew of movies that have been praised by critics and audiences alike, the Prime of Miss Jean Brodie definitely did her fair share of horror films.  And in every case, her appearance in something is the goddamn gold seal of quality as far as I'm concerned.  After that little aforementioned film from 1969 that garnered her a whole bunch of rave reviews, she embarked on a career that consisted of a lot of atmospheric, foggy British horror movies.  Some of them are bona fide classics, including The Legend of Hell House, Necromancy and And Soon the Darkness.  In most cases, you also get to see her naked.  But the thing about Pamela that's truly hot is her charisma, as she is someone that reaches out through the screen and projects her character like few women in the genre ever could.  +2 cool points for her.

3.  CHARLIE SPRADLING

Simply put, I simply cannot post a picture of Ms. Spradling from her absolute best moments on film, so I'll just post the picture that immortalizes what she truly was/is - Miss Full Moon!  I've proclaimed my love for the gloriously cheesy and low-budget factory that was Full Moon Features on this here blog before, and Charlie was their de facto spokesperson.  Her character (and tasty nude scene) in Puppet Master II was so popular with fans that she became the host of the "Video Zone" features that accompanied their releases, and let me tell you something...hearing her ungodly sexy voice extol the virtues of the 1992 Full Moon calendar sells me on it and it's 2017.  And then there were her movies.  From Puppet Master to Bad Channels to To Sleep With a Vampire, this busty vixen was always a crowd pleaser in everything she appeared in.

2.  ELIZABETH KAITAN

The first true-blue slasher film that I remember watching is Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, and even as a snot-nosed eight-year-old, I knew the insanely hot redhead from that flick was something special.  A former model from Hungary who broke into acting in the '80s, Elizabeth has definitely been in her fair share of horror films and B-movies: Silent Night, Deadly Night 2, Assault of the Killer Bimbos, the masterpiece Vice Academy series and Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity are a few personal favorites of mine.  Simply put, Elizabeth is one of those rare women who just stops time whenever she's the focus of a shot - she's simply that gorgeous.  She's also done her fair share of nude scenes which can easily be tracked down with a handy-dandy Google search, but I still love the red look from Friday VII the best.  Call it glandular.

1.  DARCY DEMOSS

Rare glimpse into the sad life of the Lick Ness Monster - again, there are pictures that I CAN'T post on this here blog or elsewhere on the interwebz, and...many of them are located right on my hard drive.  This is especially the case for Darcy DeMoss.  While there are definitely actresses who have been more prolific in the horror genre, boy, did she ever make an impression on this reporter.  Starting with Friday the 13th Part VI and then continuing with the remake of Bucket of Blood and Pale Blood (along with a whole bunch of softcore mid-'90s Cinemax stuff), Darcy is just simply instant caffeine.  Why, you ask?  Well, in addition to her striking beauty, she also plays a fantastic stuck-up bitch.  And just like women with the bad boy, the bad girl is always hotter.  Check out her modeling scene from Bucket of Blood for proof.

As always, of course, those are just my picks for the five hottest horror movie women.  Honorable mentions should also go to Jamie Lee Curtis, pretty much the iconic "final girl" of the genre, as well as her modern-day equivalent Katie Cassidy and scream queens such as Lynnea Quigley.  So, does this mean the end of the Skeevy Paragraph?  The answer to that question is...we'll see.  You might be seeing it LESS, but it still may Pop Up (hee hee...mature, I know) from time to time.  Happy horror-watching!