Horror Movie Reviews: The Fun-Sized Edition!

Alright, kids, we're going to do something different this week.  Here's the thing: there's a bunch of movies that various people (yes, they do exist) have requested reviews for.  These requests have fallen on deaf ears.  Epic story, huh?  But it's pretty much the truth. 

There are flicks...that I just really, really don't want to commit the 90-or-so minutes it takes to pump out a review, because I feel like I just don't have a whole bunch of insight to add to the equation.  Sometimes, it's a series that everyone else seems to love but I just don't get at all, and doing the review would feel like me being annoying just for the sake of being annoying.  More on this later.  Then there's a long-running series feels more samey than Friday the 13th ever did on its worst day, and at a certain point, there's just not a whole lot you can say about it that feels new or entertaining.  Also, more on this later.  And then there's just some truly oddball stuff that are almost impossible to review with anything resembling a straight face.  For whatever reason, I just don't want to tackle these things, partially because I'm lazy and partially because I just don't have the much-needed life skill of pretending to care about stuff.

Until now.

Folks, we're going to be running through a bunch of movies in this write-up.  Some of them are quite popular.  It's going to be quick and painless, and these reviews are going to be completely BS-free.  Get ready to sit under the learnin' tree.

The Saw series:  Now, the first movie is a bona fide modern classic.  This flick was SO refreshing when it dropped back in 2004.  Dark, creepy, atmospheric, and a truly awesome final twist to boot.  For the uninitiated, they're all about this guy who attempts to teach people "moral lessons" via all these Goldberg Variation-style death traps.  Sometimes, they succeed.  Sometimes, they wind up with a bear trap ripping their jaw open or something.  But anyway, the series starts off strong and then nosedives in faster and faster fashion, beginning with the third film.  You know, when your main villain (the amazing Tobin Bell) dies and you still manage to get four additional films, you've officially reached the point of beating the dead horse.  The sixth film even tries to branch out into SOCIAL COMMENTARY by featuring a whole bunch of didactic stuff about health insurance.  Overall, though, this is just the most convoluted movie series of all time, and not in the good way.  Jigsaw has his spider's web all up in everybody's ass in this series.  Shawnee Smith was great as his first apprentice, but it was all downhill from there.
1 - *** 1/2
2 - ***
3 - **
4 - **
5 - *
6 - *
7 - * 1/2

Blood Freak:  What an amazingly odd movie this is.  Released in 1972, it's essentially an anti-drug movie wrapped up in a horror tale, where a Vietnam veteran played by Steve Hawkes befriends a young woman, gets a job, starts smoking pot...and then participates in a test.  A test unlike anything you have seen in any movie ever.  Yes, kids, Hawkes eats some experimental turkey meat, which causes him to wake up sprouting a turkey's head in place of his own.  And he's still addicted to drugs.  And killing the f**k out of any motherf**ker who gets in his way.  Now, for a movie that's all about saying no to drugs, one has to wonder just what substance the makers of this film were on when they came up with this concept.  A couple coworkers have seen this and wanted me to check it out.  I did...but it was just too weird for the full Lick Ness Monster treatment.  My critical take: It's pretty bad, but you'll never forget it.  ** out of ****.

Day of the Dead and Everything That Came After:  This is actually something different.  Much like James Rolfe, I'm going to do a NON-review.  I've seen George Romero's original Night of the Living Dead, and while it's not my favorite movie of all time, it's pretty damn good.  Dawn of the Dead also has its moments.  But for whatever reason, I've never once had the urge to pick up the third movie in the trilogy, partially because I was already burned out on zombies by the time I started to seriously collect horror movies and because everybody I know who has seen it tells me that it's just really, really heavy-handed in its message.  Like, even more than Dawn of the Dead was.  Romero keeps making these movies almost right up to this day, but...yeah.  Never seen 'em.  So what say you, Lick Ness Monsters?  Any of these latter-day Romero splatterfests worth checking out?

Speaking of zombies...

The Evil Dead trilogy:  Here it is.  You're finally getting it.  I'm talking about The Evil Dead.  Brace yourselves.  Contrary to what I might have led you to believe, I don't actually hate these movies.  Having said that, I don't find them to be particularly enjoyable.  My experience with these films is that they work well in small doses; I've seen each movie twice, and while I can sit through one at a time, there's no way I could ever binge-watch all three.  The films are about a heroic character named Ash (Bruce Campbell) and his bloody and catchphrase-laden fight against the "Dead"-ites.  The first movie treats this concept seriously and fails miserably, setting the tone for the rest of the series as director Sam Raimi just amps up the intentional cheesiness to the Nth power.  Overall, the humor is incredibly hit and miss.  And while I like the Ash character, I don't have anywhere near the boner for him that a lot of fellow horror fans do.  But the movies are definitely worth watching once, because, again, they're unique.
1 - **
2 - ** 1/2
3 - **

And now for some POSITIVE Sam Raimi talk...

Drag Me to Hell:  This 2009 chiller starring Alison Lohman and Justin Long is a movie very much in the vein of the Evil Dead series, mixing a semi-creepy story with bizarre humor.  Sometimes, it works.  Hey, we have a movie here with a literal ANVIL KILL.  Sometimes, it doesn't.  I think the ratio of good-to-bad here is much better than Evil Dead, however, mostly due to the fact that it features actors who are by and large much better than that series.  The plot concerns a young bank manager (Lohman) who denies an old gypsy woman a loan.  In return, the woman places a curse on Lohman that threatens to...you guessed it...drag her to hell.  It's kind of like Thinner, only with more deaths and a bit higher stakes.  Fortunately, the cast seemed to really have fun with this material, as both Lohman and Long come across as quirky and even semi-likable at points.  I don't think the movie is that scary, but it's resonant enough that it will keep you interested.  My only other complaint was this movie's release date: May.  This movie screamed to be released during Halloween season.  *** out of ****.

And finally...

The Ring films:  To this day, the kids love these movies.  Well, at least the first one.  The 2002 American remake of the certifiably awesome J-horror classic is right up there with the best horror movies of the '00s.  The simple concept: watch a cursed videotape, die horribly one week later.  It's all about the execution from here on out, but fortunately the execution is good.  It's got the same slow burn, the same well-placed jump scares, and the same creepy villain character that haunted your dreams from the original.  In addition to that, Naomi Watts was all kinds of awesome as the lead heroine, a single mother doing her best to save both herself and her young son from the unwitting death sentence they find themselves in.  'Dat second movie, though...ouch.  I was so stoked for it on release that I skipped out on film class (the irony) to watch it.  I don't regret the decision, but for all the wrong reasons, because it just isn't good.  Although it does have that unintentionally hilarious deer attack scene, something almost worth wasting my tuition money in and of itself.
1 - ****
2 - *

Thus concludes the first ever-round of Lick Ness Monster ultra-short reviews.  I finally managed to get the Evil Dead series out of the way and dealt with and SHUT SOME OF 'YA PEOPLE UP about it already.  And we had a good smattering of technically good, technically bad and so-bad-they're-good style movies.  Who knows, maybe if I get enough requests, I might do a sequel.  Now that's horrifying.