Directed by William Friedkin
Starring Jenny Seagrove, Dwier Brown and Carey Lowell
Way back in like, 1992, I remember watching the last 30 minutes of The Guardian on TBS. To a nine-year-old still hooked on Ninja Turtles and the NES, the sight of a levitating, demonic hellwitch chasing people through the creepy woods was freakin' traumatizing. Alas, that's the kind of stuff we get in this movie. I forgot all about that flick up until many years later when the "Boogeymen: Killer Compilation" DVD was released, and this was one of the featured movies. What the f**k? The plant chick? Man, it's a small world after all.
Now, the film is definitely no masterpiece. But in doing the research for this review, I'm actually surprised to learn that The Guardian - William Friedkin's first out-and-out horror movie since The Exorcist - was universally panned by critics at the time of its release. I'm a little remiss as to what exactly they were expecting with a movie about a woman connected to a cult of druids looking to steal a baby for some sort of world-controlling ritual. Deep down, I'm guessing a lot of these critics left the theater secretly wanting to nail Jenny Seagrove, the fantastically sexy star who should've used this movie as a launching pad to a Ric Flair-esque career of wining and dining. But...nope. The movie was "disjointed" and "uneven" and..."not scary." Well, the Lick Ness Monster doesn't let things like that get in the way of a good time, so count me in on this series' group of cult fans.
We open up on a very classy set of backstory title cards, informing us that the ancient druids worshipped trees. FORESHADOWING. Cut to the present day, where we get a creepy little exposition segment as a nanny abducts an affluent couple's child and brings it to the freakiest-looking tree you've ever seen in any movie. The Evil Dead ain't got nuthin' on the Guardian tree, bitches. The baby's face appears in the tree, indicating that it has been sacrificed...or something. And then the nanny turns into a wolf. What's going on, who knows, but it's exciting!
From here, it's time to slow down. We meet our star couple, Phil and Kate Sterling. Played by Dwier Brown and Carey Lowell, they actually have fantastic chemistry and come off as very likable people. You know, it's things like this that make me really depressed that more people don't watch or even respect horror movies. The job of an actor is to give their soul to any role that they have, and make their interactions with other people as realistic as possible. And a lot of these performances are - no joke - hidden in horror movies. So...that's the end of that little rant. Anyway, Phil has gotten a job in Los Angeles and Kate is pregnant, which means it's time to hire a nanny.
One guess as to who they hire. Yup, the same woman from the flick's prologue. Only, now she has a different name and is somehow even hotter. Her name is Camilla, and it's simply a tour-de-force performance from Jenny Seagrove. Yeah, she doesn't have much dialogue, and the character isn't terribly deep, but it doesn't matter. She's sexy in all the right moments and menacing in pitch-perfect tones, and I really am stunned that this didn't lead to bigger and better things for her as an actress. But...I guess Julia Roberts had to keep making disposable romantic comedy movies. Screw Hollywood.
According to the ever-accurate Wikipedia, the script was originally much more humorous, with Sam Raimi attached to direct. Once he dropped out and Friedkin was brought in, that changed in a big way, and what we get from here on out is some solid domestic drama sprinkled in between some decent scary scenes. Of course, Camilla immediately forms a strong bond with the eponymous baby (named Jake). She encounters three gangsters out in the woods and is attacked, only to kill them with sharp tree roots that she seems to be able to control. At one point, she is cut open and heals herself (while completely nude, natch) with the bark from the Guardian tree, a move that is discovered by one of Kate's friends who has a crush on her. Which is completely understandable...but it results in Camilla's army of trained attack wolves discovering his existence and killing him.
Oh yeah. Camilla has an army of trained attack wolves. Did I mention that?
Now, one complaint about this movie that I actually do agree with is that it's neve really spelled out exactly what the villains are here. Are they demons, elementals, just really, really dedicated Hot Topic customers? No one seems to know. We know that Camilla is trying to sacrifice another baby to the tree, but for what reason, other than just to keep it alive? The stakes are a little low here, other than just Phil and Kate losing their kid. Maybe if it had been spelled out to us a bit more that the sacrifice would result in the tree conquering the world or something, that would have helped the movie's standing in the eyes of critics? I'm a big structure guy when it comes to screenplays. Since we don't have a clear-cut goal, a lot of The Guardian is pretty choppy.
But then the finale hits. Simply put, it's awesome stuff. Floating women, Carey Lowell and Jenny Seagrove duking it out, a killer tree squrting buckets of fake blood. Sports fans everywhere will love it, and the Lick Ness Monster approves.
I'll be the first to admit here that this plot is preposterous. It's The Hand That Rocks the Cradle meets the "Goosebumps" book "Stay Out of the Basement." How could anything that combines these two unparalleled masterpieces of fiction be anything close to good? But Friedkin and the cast really do make it work. It's not a classic or anything, but The Guardian is worth a watch. And that is what you call stepping out on a limb and taking a stand.
*** out of ****. No closing sentence this time.
No comments:
Post a Comment