Directed by Lewis Teague
Starring Robert Forster, Robin Riker, Michael Gazzo, Dean Jagger and Henry Silva
Before I get going with this review, I'm going to pull back the curtain once again in regards to how these things are written. I have a lot of down time at my job, and during that dead time I tend to dig out a few sheets of paper and jot down ideas for films and/or subjects to be covered here. I was all ready to go this week with a rare non-movie review post about things that legit frighten me in real life. Spoiler alert: I'm a huge wuss with no less than 1,478 irrational fears, many of them due to watching a lot of Unsolved Mysteries as a kid. But I quickly noticed that there was one recurring theme on that list. Namely, big scary animals. I've said this before, but film-makers, take note - when you make things like spiders, snakes and large predators scary, you'll get me almost every damn time. Except for those abominations on the SyFy channel. F**k them.
Which brings me to alligators, crocodiles and the movie in question today. I first saw Alligator some Saturday afternoon on one of my local channels many, many years ago, and it scared the crap out of me then. It actually inspired me to do a lot of research into the ACTUAL subject of the urban legend that it's based on - the story of alligators living in the New York City sewers - and the truth is no less fascinating. Google it. The movie definitely isn't perfect, but it still holds up very well today for one simple reason: giant reptiles are friggin' scary. I don't know exactly WHERE being eaten by a huge creature with giant teeth that can rip you to shreds within seconds ranks on the "bad death" list, but it has to be pretty high. And the creative team behind this film - director Lewis Teague and screenwriter John Sayles - understood that and then some. I really didn't intend this, but Sayles ALSO wrote last week's four-star classic Piranha. He's been nominatd for Oscars since then, but to me he'll always be the king of aquatic horror, baby. It's brie time.
While the plot of Alligator eventually does tread into some dirty territory, the thing about the presentation is that it's deadly serious and occasionally dingy. This is readily apparent from the prologue, as a young girl buys a baby alligator while on vacation in Florida and brings it back to her home in Chicago. The alligator is promptly flushed down the toilet by her snarling dad...and I think you know where we're going from here. What you might NOT think is just how the baby alligator becomes the monster of this creature feature, as it spends the next several years feasting on animal carcasses deposited in the sewers by a super-mega-evil company experimenting on animals with growth formulas. This would be the classic "derp" moment that brings us our Mrs. Deagle-esque human villain character, but we'll get to him later. In short order, the alligator - now fully grown to Brobdingnagian proportions and boasting an insatiable appetite to go with its size - starts attacking sewer workers, and we get to meet our truly Shakespeare-worthy characters in charge of tracking it down.
And boy, what a hero character this movie has. Folks, Alligator has Robert Forster. I've been a huge fan of this guy ever since seeing him in Jackie Brown, and yeah, I know that it wasn't his first movie, but at the very least you can see his face and know that he's bringing the goods. In this film, he's police officer David Madison. John Sayles must have a real hard-on for hero characters who don't give no f**ks, because Piranha had the drunk outdoorsman guy, and David Madison is the same type of dude. With all of the dead bodies piling up, it means that our investigator is going to need a plucky partner. Said partner is reptile expert Marisa Kendall, played by Robin Riker. The "derp" makes a return when we realize a very important thing - this is the same person who bought the alligator all those years ago. Coincidence, thy name is Alligator.
So far, I'm sure that you've noticed that this film is very similar to Piranha. Not that that's a bad thing; there's certainly not many low-budget creature features that you can choose to crib from, especially when you have the same guy behind the writer's desk. The movie compensates by giving us - I s**t you not - a QUIRKY ROMANCE between Madison and Kendall. This includes a scene where they visit Kendall's house, and Madison butters up to his new love interest's abrasive mother. No joke, there's like a ten-minute subplot in the middle of this movie where it turns into your average Julia Roberts crappy rom-com flick. Amazed, but not in the good way.
Now let's get to the creature itself. It definitely looks cool, and the body count has already more than reached its government minimum, so we've seen it in action. From what I can tell, the big gator was brought to life mainly through the arts of puppetry, forced-perspective photography and stop-motion animation, and there's only a couple scenes that look truly dated by today's standards. From a "monster" standpoint, it definitely fits the bill, so three cheers for conventional special effects!
Alright, back to the show. Thus far, all of the victims have been nameless sewer workers and other scrubs, but we need some truly sweeping emotional stakes for the second half of the film. The first guy that we get is Slade (Dean Jagger), the businessman who was the guy in charge of all the illegal animal experiments that created the beast. Dr. Frankenstein, this guy ain't, although it does give us a pretty satisfying kill scene later on. There's also a lab scientist providing the injections who hilariously has his wedding invaded by the gator (not kidding, folks, it happens). Last but certainly not least, we get the intervention of a grizzled monster hunter played by Henry Silva who is about as effective as Creighton Duke on his best day. Not his worst day, but his best day, although that's still pretty bad.
When holding this movie side-by-side with Piranha, this one definitely treads a lot more into hokey territory. And while that film definitely had its humorous moments, I think this one is just generally a lot more goofy in tone. Sometimes, that works, as the movie definitely has its laughs. But sometimes it also takes away from what should be a very freaky story. There are few things on Earth that scare me more than these animals; I've had no less than two nightmares in the past year where I suddenly find myself in a muddy river in some remote location and know - just know - that there's a giant saltwater croc on my tail. Then I wake up and cry. Well, maybe not, but that 25% exaggeration serves a purpose (I think) - this movie could have been really, really scary. And while the movie has good performances, good effects and an all-around fun pace, I can't say that I was frightened by it on this re-watch. So, yeah, the flaws are there, but it really is hard to go too wrong with this formula. Current film-makers, more aquatic horror, please!
As for a rating, let's give the flick *** out of ****. Good, but not great, but it also served as the precursor to Lewis Teague's next film - the certifiably terrifying Cujo, truly one of the best movies EVER in terms of taking something ordinary and making it freaky as all get out. But I've reviewed enough Stephen King movies on this here blog, so that one won't be coming for a while.
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