Piranha (1978)

1978
Directed by Joe Dante
Starring Bradford Dillman, Heather MEnzies, Kevin McCarthy, Keenan Wynn, Barbara Steele and Dick Miller

There is something on the ol' Lick Ness Monster archive that honestly amazes me.  'Memba the summer of 2010, when Alex Oja's remake of the film in question today hit theaters?  I 'memba.  Promising a whole bunch of blood, boobs and general mayhem, it was one of the first films of this great 3D revival that has somehow turned into general practice since then.  I also remember James Cameron in all of his douchebaggery stating that this was "exactly the type of film that SHOULDN'T be in 3D" (/sniff).  Because only stuffy polemics about planets full of giant blue dudes deserve that treatment.  Well, for the first time, I re-watched said movie on TV recently.  And it's pretty bad.  The thing on my blog that amazed me?  I gave it FOUR STARS when it came out.  Man, what was I thinking?

Yeah, that movie is some kind of disaster, alright.  Bad characters, bad script, nonsensical editing, it's all really some kind of beautiful disaster.  It makes me even sadder when you consider that the 1978 original is arguably my second favorite aquatic horror movie of all time.  The remake might be this amazing conglomeration of bad stuff, but this one has everything going for it.  It's produced by Roger Corman, the legendary low-budget guru who once said that he could take a sandal, a loincloth and a spear and recreate the Roman Empire.  It has a cast of actors that actively seem to care.  And it has Joe Dante in the director's chair.  This dude is simply one of my favorites.  By and large, his films all have this great mixture of humor and horror, and 50% of the time, it works every time.  He spent much of the '70s as Corman's protege, and this was his big break into "major" movies.  Quotation marks because this is a movie about mutated killer fish.  Get ready for some fun.

You have to read something an average of seven times before committing it to memory, so here we go again: The most important part of the script is the first ten pages, and Piranha has an opening sequence for the ages.  A happy and horny teenage couple make their way into an abandoned government facility where they find a giant water tank.  Seems like a perfectly good idea to do some skinny dipping, doesn't it?  They strip down, begin the opening stages of macking it, and are then summarily attacked and gutted by an unseen force in the tank before agents try in vain to stop what's going on.  And it's an undisputed masterpiece.  In all seriousness, it certainly catches your attention and lets you know that this isn't your ordinary Jaws ripoff.

This prompts the arrival of insurance investigator Maggie McKeown (Heather Menzies).  You wouldn't think that an insurance investigator character would be one of your linchpins in a movie like this, but there she is, and she actually manages to hold her own.  The REAL star of the show, though, is the guy that she hires to guide her around the wilderness.  Paul Grogan (Bradford Dillman) is kind of this mix between a drunk, a rugged outdoorsman, and a guy who pretty fairly does not give a s**t.  Welcome to the "Ruh-roh, Raggy" portion of the movie (third week in a row!), as they find the facility.  Once there, Maggie wants to see what's in the tank and promptly drains the water.  Derp.  One guess as to where this leads...

Yes, folks, the nearby lake/touristy community and summer camp where Paul's daughter is in attendance.  Yeah, emotional stakes.  There's a bit more buildup before we reach all of the great stuff in Piranha, most of which involving the back story of just how these fish came to be.  The specifics aren't important - it's all Vietnam War government experiment cover-up stuff that you'd see on The X-Files.  What's important about it is that it's quick and painless, and that the "chase" element is actually suspenseful.  Meaning, Maggie and Paul actually chase down the fish on their journey to the lake and try to cut it off, only to get thwarted at every turn - including this one really nifty sequence as the duo, along with the government researcher who has kept this whole project going, rescue a small boy on a raft and then watch in horror as the fish turn on the wood itself.  Great stuff.  They also succeed in shutting off a spillway that opens up their access to the population, and then realize that there is a tributary.  Derp again.  Of course, while ALL of this is going on, we also get graced with the presence of the second best thing to God himself, Dick Miller.

Ahhh...Dick Miller.  A legendary Roger Corman collaborator in front of the camera who has played a character named Walter Paisley something like 67 times in various Corman productions (no joke), the dude is definitely one of my favorite "that guy" actors of all time.  So many memorable characters and lines can be given to this man.  The occult library owner in The Howling, the gun shop dude in The Terminator, Murray Fudderman...he's done everything but Miami Vice.  This time around, he fulfills the Mayor Vaughan quotient, and he does it to PERFECTION, maintaining while all of this mayhem is going on that the tourist situation can be saved.  It really is this character that raises Piranha above its budget and into the realm of the truly awesome, because he's simultaneously hilarious and despicable.

And that third act, where the weaponized fish reach the summer camp and then the water park?  Awesome.

This is one of those movies that is comprised of a lot of different things together that SHOULDN'T work - and yet they somehow do, and they work fantastically.  The acting by both Menzies and Dillman is solid and to the point, and Dick Miller is simply unforgettable.  The kill scenes are genuinely suspenseful, and while you won't be pissing yourself in terror or anything, there are definitely more than a few cringe-worthy moments.  Again, though, I have to go back to that tried-and-true cinematic universal that practically gives me an erection - three-act structure.  This movie has it, and it plays it out to perfection.  When your flick has a defined beginning, middle, and end, it makes the ending actually feel satisfying.  Seeing fish gut a whole bunch of people can be satisfying, believe me.  And not just because I'm a psychopath.

Rating time.  Wait for it...**** out of ****.  This flick is just a damn fun time that I can't recommend enough.  And retroactively, I award the 2010 remake * 1/2 out of ****, and that extra 1/2 * is solely for Kelly Brook's boobs.