Come June, the Friday the 13th film series will effectively be 35 years old. While we haven't had any news (that I'm aware of, anyway, but then again I'm nowhere near the upcoming movie hound that I used to be) about the next movie in the series about the most badass guy with mommy issues in the history of cinema, 2015 amounts to nothing short of a total celebration of this landmark in American horror. And I'm not just talking about the big guy himself. I love almost everything about this series, from the creepy backwoods locations to the "faux-Psycho" Harry Manfredini soundtracks to the victim characters and their propensity to engage in incredibly reckless behavior that leads to their untimely deaths.
It's that latter group that we're going to take a look at today. These films boast loads of great, memorable characters that stick out in your mind for all of the right and wrong reasons, but one of my favorite things about the series are those characters that get introduced...and then that's pretty much it. Sometimes, the series goes "body count over substance," and while I'm all about emotional investment, sometimes it's just hilarious when a character gets introduced with what any stuffy English major thinks is the beginning of an arc only to get offed like minutes later.
Thus, I present...
THE FIVE(ISH) MOST EXPENDABLE FRIDAY THE 13TH VICTIM CHARACTERS
5. Vinnie and Pete from A New Beginning
Really, you could pretty much just list Friday the 13th: A New Beginning and be done with it. The flick is infinitely fun to watch, but if you want to hop on the characters' bandwagons, this one is rough to watch as it brings characters out of the woodwork only to eliminate them with savage voracity minutes later. Case in point - the two greasers who serve as (SPOILER ALERT) crazy Roy's initial victims on his revenge/all out kill-crazy rampage fest. Immediately after Vic kills Joey, we're blessed with the bickering adventures of these two retro stylistos in the middle of the woods as their car breaks down, complete with Pete and his signature top 40 hit "Rad-a-Tooie." There are definitely sequences that go on LONGER in this movie, but these two are the ones that stick out immediately as "cannon fodder" from the get go.
4. Dan and Judy from The New Blood
The crux of Jason's seventh go-round is a birthday party being thrown for Michael at his family's lakeside house, and almost all of the victims have something to do with either this bunch or psychic mover-and-shaker Tina Shepherd. Except for these two. Totally random campers who find themselves on a totally random patch of woods that the totally randomly revived Jason just so happens to happen across. We get Dan doing his best Arnold Schwarzeneggar impression before heading out to get some firewood. Of course, he's offed, but it's Judy's death that really let fans know that director John Carl Buechler wasn't messing around as he grabs her sleeping bag - Judy fully enclosed - and bashes it against a nearby tree. To this date, one of the three or four best death scenes in any Friday flick, and legendary anciliary characters.
3. The Hitchhikers from Jason Goes to Hell
I always used to hate this movie, but a few more repeat viewings over the past couple Halloweens has changed my mind. It's different, but it's also got plenty of chutzpah, and it's also got some of the most hilariously expendable victims that the series has graced our presence with. In the first trimester of the movie, Jason (or rather his African-American stunt double) has made his way back to Crystal Lake, unbeknownst to the group of hitchhikers who catch a ride with our main protagonist Steven Freeman. Almost immediately after finding a suitable site and planting their tent spikes, it begets one of the tastier bits of in the series compliments of Michelle Clunie, followed by one of the sickest kills in any movie I've seen. Awesome stuff.
2. The WOULD-BE Hitchhiker/Banana Enthusiast from The Final Chapter
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter is one of the greatest slasher films ever made, bar none. It's fast-paced and brutal, with a group of characters ranging from funny (Jimmy and Ted) to genuinely intriguing (Corey Feldman as the improbable Jason killer Tommy Jarvis). Hidden in all that, however, is thais lovely little aside just as the madness is getting started, as the group of vacationing teens head out to Crystal Lake and refuse to pick up to the slightly dumpy woman on the side of the road who wants a ride. And she doesn't take insults from passer-bys lying down. I'll admit to feeling pretty bad for this girl, as the fact that she doesn't get the ride leads to her untimely death, compliments of an awesome Ted Savini stabbing closeup.
1. The Random Evil Bikers from Part III
Here we go. The solid gold Cadillac of expendable F13 victims. The folks above were hastily introduced. These guys, conversely, take over the movie for a stretch. When we first meet Ali, Loco and Fox, they're customers at a convenience store who give our resident nerdy hero Shelly a hard-time in front of his would-be girlfriend. This confrontation leads them to Higgins Haven where they have every intention of (I think) burning the barn down. Only...it doesn't quite work out that way. In a tense, epic sequence that lasts all of five minutes, all three of them get some glorious 3D death, and the characters that we spent the previous 10 minutes of our lives pontificating on what their epic back story was are gone. More or less. (SPOILER ALERT)
Of course, those are just a few. To be fair, this series was very successful at getting audiences to feel sympathy for some of its victim characters, particularly in the earlier films when Jason was human and the series wasn't intentionally poking fun at itself or its conventions yet. Sometimes, however, it's good when the screenwriters and film-makers simply let loose and threw some bodies in there just for the fuck of it. Variety is the spice of life, after all, and no series did it better than Friday the 13th.
As the year goes on, we're going to be looking at more hockey-masked madness from slightly askew angles. Stay tuned.
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