Directed by George Mihalka
Starring Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier, Neil Affleck, Don Francks, Cynthia Dale and Patricia Hamilton
Out of all the films that got released as part of the glorious early-'80s slasher craze, this one definitely qualifies as the most oddball. Not from a plot standpoint; it hits every single note and hits it well. It has more to do with the presentation. There's no teenagers, high school reunions or woodsy locations to be found. Instead, we've got a bunch of sweaty miners and other assorted hard-working manly men in the middle of a big mining town. Which is made even better by the fact that every single plot point that typically appears in these movies is well-apparent despite the character switch.
Leave it to Canada.
My Bloody Valentine starts with your classic "sex kills" slasher movie segment, as a pair of miners descend into a shaft. One of them removes her facemask, and yup, I said "her." She soon starts stripteasing the other miner, and he responds by shoving his pickaxe directly into her chest. Clearly, this guy doesn't know that you're supposed to shove some other pointy object in a hot chick's direction, but nobody's perfect. Wow. That might have been the single most crudely moronic joke I've made here on the blog. A new high (low) has been reached!
Our group of characters from this point forward is introduced - the aforementioned collection of miners, along with their wives/girlfriends in the town of Valentine Bluffs. Classic. Also classic is the fact that we are in the preparation stages for a big Valentine's Day dance. It is here where we get our expository "past evil" segment of the flick, as the town mayor lets it out that this is the first such dance to be held in a long time. It seems that 20 years ago, some of the miners were buried in rubble due to the negligence of the supervisors who attended the dance. Also classic. NOT so classic is the twist that one of the miners caught in that rough situation survived via cannibalism. This guy's specter hangs over the rest of the movie, as everyone questions whether or not Harry Warden has come back for more vengeance (he offed the two supervisors responsible for his misery in the flashback sequences that establish this back story). All in all, it's pretty effective stuff.
What's NOT so effective is the whole love triangle story that overtakes the movie from this point forward. Our protagonist of sorts is the extremely vanilla T.J. Hanniger (Kelman), the son of the mayor who has just returned to Valentine Bluffs. His ex-girlfriend Sarah (Hallier) still harbors feelings for him, which results in her current beau Axel (Affleck) having all sorts of mean-strosity issues. In between the murders, this is the story we're blessed with. While it could have been pretty effective with some better scripting and acting, it's unfortunately very tepid, leaving us wondering when the next round of slash-n-dash is coming.
As for the murders themselves, they're a mixed bag. Yes, folks, you know the drill from this point on, as a slasher dressed all in miner gear starts killing everyone involved with the dance in inventive ways. The movie had some 9 minutes cut from its theatrical release in 1981 to avoid getting the MPAA's dreaded "X" rating, but fortunately the DVD that I have has everything restored. They might not be quite on the level of Tom Savini, but we have some pretty visceral stuff. The murderer's weapon of choice is (of course) a pickaxe, meaning that there is plenty of room available for some pretty nice graphic stuff. The nail gun fu is probably the highlight, a foreshadowing of the ***** classic Nail Gun Massacre that would find release several years later.
Well, let's wrap this dog and pony show up. The killer is actually NOT Harry Warden, but is one of the principal lead characters in the traditional "wolf in sheep's clothing" role. In this regard, this flick is actually more like a giallo thriller than a slasher movie. I'll give the movie credit there. The mystery killer thing is underdone in slasher movies, and some of the ones that DO use this trope (Friday the 13th Part V, anyone?) leave much to be desired when it comes to the surprise element.
If you can't tell, I'm not an especially big fan of this movie. None of the characters stick out, including the eventual killer, while only a couple of the deaths are memorable in any regard. Thus, I can't recommend this movie. Finally, horror movie scholars out there are no doubt aware that there is a remake of this movie. Now THAT I can recommend, partially because it's much bloodier and sleazier than this flick, and partially because it starts Jensen Ackles, who I want to play a cool-ass spy character that exists only on my laptop whenever I become Quentin Tarantino-famous. Watch out for that Jack Dodds film franchise, kids.
** out of ****. It's got its moments. Unfortunately, they're just that.
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